DH with depression

tinjp78

Yesterday, I was all smiles and excited for this month for I'll have my first FET. But today, it's a bit different.

Ive been optimistic from the beginning of this IVF journey but the toughest for me is handling my DH, he is bipolar. I'm hurt too when he is hurting. I can handle the shots and all that comes with it but this thing with my husband is something else. I only knew about it early this year and I'm still adjusting to everything.

i don't know how to handle my emotions now plus I'm preparing for my FET. I told two friends and they are also praying for me and my DH.

Sorry for sharing this dark story of mine. I just wanted to let it out. 

cseley321

My husband has similar problems, and sometimes I feel like this process is harder on him, but just in a different way. I do all of my own shots, go to appointments alone. He does go to my actual FET procedures, but that's it. We have dealt with early loss throughout this whole thing and it wears on him heavily. I just try and refrain from talking about the process and now I am trying to be careful not to get his hopes up. I shared with him 2 months ago when I had a positive HPT only to find out it was a CP.

We as women are going through a lot right now, and I think our SO's sometimes may feel powerless and react in different ways to cope. Some try to become more involved, some (like my husband) tend to withdraw.

With all that being said, I know how you feel and I know it's hard. Best wishes for your upcoming transfer

dragonette505

@tinjp78 @Crystal321 No advice, but sending hugs... I know its hard on our partners and so much tougher if there are extra needs

@tinjp78 please know we are here for you and if you feel you need extra support please rely on us too

funkykey

@tinjp78 - IF is hard on the STRONGEST of marriages. Dealing with it when having another layer of mental illness on top would be/is BRUTAL, and bipolar is a tough one too.

Hang in there! Even if you only knew about it early this year, I'm sure there was a lot of concerning behaviour before the diagnosis. I hope you are taking time to take good good care of yourself, and that you are establishing some loving boundaries with DH.

tinjp78

Thank you very much for being here for me and for taking the time to share your thoughts. I'm learning so much from these boards and the support is helping me much. Thank you all for the love. I'm happy to find you guys and I'll hope for the best things to come our way.

a78saha

@tinjp78 @Crystal321 wishing you all the best.  I do  shots, go in for u/s and bloodwork on my own.  This is due to my husbands work schedule its too hard to coordinate. I dont have a problem with it but when you go through the ups and downs of ivf it can get lonely... do i have enough eggs... how large are they... whats my lining looking like... what are my levels... will this round get cancelled...not to mention all the effects if meds... 

But i think its lonely either way.  My husband isnt bipolar but he feels helpless in the process he tries to keep up and help where he can.  Truth is ivf is lonely because of what we put our bodies through.   Thats why sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better is reading about other womens experiences.  Then im like shoot ok its not just me...

tinjp78

Thank you @a78saha for sharing your thoughts. Please know that you are not alone. I've posted my feelings here about my husband because I was hoping to get some encouragement, and I got them. The ladies here just so precious, makes me feel somebody really understands what I'm going through. Best of luck to your journey and I hope you get to know you more in the other boards

coco305

Thank you for sharing this @tinjp78
please know that we are here to help at every step. I agree 100% with @a78saha ivf is a tough and lonely road, and I can only imagine how much tougher it is while having to be strong for someone else. I think it's great and noble that you put your DH first, he needs the support and he is a lucky guy to have you as his wife

[Deleted User]

@tinjp78 you are such a special soul and we are so lucky to have you here as a member of the boards! ❤  your positivity and optimistic outlook shine through, even in the toughest times.  And you know all too well how tough this can really be.  My husband will lash out in other ways sometimes, like hes overreacting to every day stuff, and I can't help but think all this stress is weighing onnhim, but like others have said, he's powerless to "fix" any of the if stuff.  It's taxing and it's hard on any man's ego, because he wants to be there and be strong for his wife, and here we have no choice but to turn to the doctors and trust that they know what they are doing lol.  I definitely feel like before his surgery, I had to be the strong one and not break down, because it would hurt his heart too much to see me in pain, and he would blame himself for our situation.  Now that at least his surgery was successdul, it's gotten easier, but I still use the boards and my nurse or doctor to voice certain things, because it's just not where his head is at.  He's very practical.  He has to focus on his work, the day-to-day that needs to get done.  And I fosuc more on this.  He will focus on a pregnancy when it's actually happening, where in my mind I have already been pregnant for two years!!!  ;)  so as extra hard as it is with his bipolar, please know that this stuff is just very different for men and women, no matter what.  We just need to find whatever works for us as individuals to get through sometimes.  I actually went to a free counselling session at my clinic, and have mentioned to H about us going in together for a couples one.  Maybe worth looking into if your clinic offers services like that, too??? ((((Hugs))))  you're doing a great job!

bethann1022

@tinjp78 I just wanted to give you my support and share with you that I truly do understand where you're coming from and how difficult this can be also.  My husband is also Bipolar, and while he has been stable on medications for about a decade, he still struggles differently with emotions.  We had our first IVF Retrieval in early December 2016 and then did our first FET in January (beta was on my birthday, February 2nd, BFN) and while this was very difficult for me, he handled it very stoically.  He was simply ready to accept it was negative and move on, when I would ask how he felt, he would say disappointed, but it's okay, it was our first try."  And then when the second FET a month later was BFN, pretty much the same response.  Meanwhile, I was so hopeful it would work each time, he just did not share my positivity and when I would try to express it would just say "we'll see what happens."  I know he cares, but I think it is just very different for men who aren't getting the daily blood draws, ultrasounds and shots and won't be carrying the actual babies within themselves.  After our second failed cycle, DH and I started couples therapy, while our relationship was pretty good, it was tough to feel so alone on this journey and to not understand why he couldn't share my positivity that it can and will work.  About 5 sessions in, I had a complete breakdown.  I started sobbing when we were just talking about something simple, like how we spend our free time or something.  At first I didnt truly understand the depth of my sadness, my disappointment, and kept saying "I don't know why I'm crying like this, I'm usually strong". and my DH actually spoke up and said "I think it may be partially all the hormones, and you've also been through a lot these last two months."  It hit me that even though he sometimes appears distant, or does not fully comprehend how difficult this all is, that he really does, he just handles it differently in order to cope.  I'll never forget our therapist's response explaining it to DH, " While infertility and a negative cycle is disappointing and hard for the man, for the woman, it is utterly heartbreaking and gut-wrenching.  It is truly bred within them to have the strong desire, the need and the ability to carry and grow their offspring and when it does not come naturally, it is absolutely devastating to her."  This gave us both a deeper understanding of how tough it truly is, while most of the time I present as strong to family, friends and even him, sometimes I do have breakdowns and it may present as irritability, anger, sadness or other emotions and he has come to accept it, acknowledge it and try to comfort me when needed.  

I have also come to really appreciate the support on these boards, through my first two cycles, I was only a lurker, but still felt as though I was supporting these women through their journeys, albeit silently.  But by the third FET cycle in May, I knew I needed more support and also needed to be able to give my support to others who truly understand.  I was relying on my best friend, my parents and my husband support and none of them truly understood what I was going through.  These boards have been a lifesaver, to be surrounded by people who truly understand the struggles, the heartbreak of IF is beyond amazing, but to also have others who graduate to the other side just continues to give me so much hope that this will work for each of us when the time is right and we can and will all continue to fight this awful battle that none of us deserves.  

While my DH is wonderful, as I'm sure is yours, and at times it is very difficult when he is negative and you are positive, just remember you are both just trying to survive and cope the best ways you know how.  While I can face the negatives head-on, can utilize my coping mechanisms, can continue to work, and put all my focus onto the next round and remain as hopeful as possible, I have accepted that he cannot.  If he put as much into it as I did emotionally and mentally and it did not work, he would be devastated to the point where he would most likely not be able to function on a day to day basis and would not be willing to endure any more cycles, out of fear of heartbreak.  Remember, he still supports you and the journey you are on together, he just has a different way of handling it and accepting it.  Good luck and hopefully this will be our month my friend!

cseley321

@bethann1022 Your situation reminds me a lot of my own in some ways. When my husband starts getting anxiety, he completely shuts down. He will miss weeks of work at a time and just sleep 16 hours a day.  It's rare, but it happens. He got let go from a job a long time ago becase of it. He is not on medication anymore though because the side effects were too much. He handles it well most of the time, but when it gets to be too much, then it's like a train wreck.

Last night I brought it up to him asking if he wanted to do another cycle aftet this. He said no, but he would leave the final decision up to me. He basically just asked me that if I am anxious about it not working, not to tell him. TW - we already have 1 IVF baby, so his way of coping is to be happy that we lucked out on one baby and anything extra is just a bonus.

I would love to have his full support on this, but he is just not able to get as emotionally involved or it may send him over the edge again, and we can't afford for him to risk losing this job

tinjp78

@BusinessWife @coco305 and @bethann1022 Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I don't know how to reply to your messages. I just want to say that my heart is full and I can't believe that even though we haven't actually met face to face, I feel your care and support. Everything in my life this year is extremely overpowering, I've not experienced anything like this in my 39 years of existence. But you ladies here give me the courage to move on. I hope and pray for all the best things to happen in our journey this year. 

Love,
Christine