Postpartum Depression

My experience

PPD, thought I would share my story to help others. Sometimes it isn't text book symptoms. After my daughter was born, I felt 100% disconnected, like I was on the outside of myself looking through a window at my old life grieving myself. I never experienced not wanting to be a mother or resenting baby, but it was opposite, it felt like I was over whelmed with love and compassion, my heart broke and I wept about everything. Example, I would see a young mom with a baby without a coat, immediately start crying wondering if child was really cared for. I would weep/sob over the homeless, children and my PPD amplified my concern, love and compassion. It was over the top. I was sensitive and so overwhelmed with emotion I cried a lot. My husband however did not get any of that though. I resented him, hated him and felt like I could not handle him. I felt like he was abandoning baby and I fiercely loved baby, I would not let him hold her and I would sleep in a recliner and hold her all night, afraid that if I put her down she would feel abandoned. I went extreme hyper vigilant protection mode, never slept. I Felt inadequate and guilty bringing a child into the worl knowing how mean the world can be and someday baby would grow up and face death as we all do. I felt fat, ugly and terrible about myself. My feelings were strong, irrational and I had to take things day by day, journaling my emotions. I had to make a plan for myself, because I was in a hormonal psychological war. I had to remind myself when intense feelings came on, to stop and remind myself this is normal and it will pass and everything is fine and my husband is not a monster. I journaled, and getting outside the home with baby was a huge plus it helped emencly not sitting around. I struggled breast feeding which made me feel like a failure too. It was a tough time. I felt better after 5 months. I suffered alone and I didn't need too. Get help, get rest take care of yourself and nobody will judge. Talk to your friends, spouse, reach out!! Reach out!! Intense feelings will eventually go away, you will feel like your old self again....just got to get through storm. It's a lot faster if you have support.

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