My experience — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

My experience

PPD, thought I would share my story to help others. Sometimes it isn't text book symptoms. After my daughter was born, I felt 100% disconnected, like I was on the outside of myself looking through a window at my old life grieving myself. I never experienced not wanting to be a mother or resenting baby, but it was opposite, it felt like I was over whelmed with love and compassion, my heart broke and I wept about everything. Example, I would see a young mom with a baby without a coat, immediately start crying wondering if child was really cared for. I would weep/sob over the homeless, children and my PPD amplified my concern, love and compassion. It was over the top. I was sensitive and so overwhelmed with emotion I cried a lot. My husband however did not get any of that though. I resented him, hated him and felt like I could not handle him. I felt like he was abandoning baby and I fiercely loved baby, I would not let him hold her and I would sleep in a recliner and hold her all night, afraid that if I put her down she would feel abandoned. I went extreme hyper vigilant protection mode, never slept. I Felt inadequate and guilty bringing a child into the worl knowing how mean the world can be and someday baby would grow up and face death as we all do. I felt fat, ugly and terrible about myself. My feelings were strong, irrational and I had to take things day by day, journaling my emotions. I had to make a plan for myself, because I was in a hormonal psychological war. I had to remind myself when intense feelings came on, to stop and remind myself this is normal and it will pass and everything is fine and my husband is not a monster. I journaled, and getting outside the home with baby was a huge plus it helped emencly not sitting around. I struggled breast feeding which made me feel like a failure too. It was a tough time. I felt better after 5 months. I suffered alone and I didn't need too. Get help, get rest take care of yourself and nobody will judge. Talk to your friends, spouse, reach out!! Reach out!! Intense feelings will eventually go away, you will feel like your old self again....just got to get through storm. It's a lot faster if you have support.


Re: My experience

  • I have had severe major depression for more than  half my life.  I used to feel misunderstood and incredibly lonely. I am due in a few weeks and during the seond trimester I went through one of the most extreme relapses (I was put on bedrest and homebound for an entire month).  I switched medication and am continuing therapy.  From January until last week, I was feeling vibrant and energetic.  However, I am feeling very anxious, inadequate, and thinking irrationally again.  I stress myself to the point of sickness and I just want to shut everyone out until my baby is born.  Oddly, I think my baby is my miracle.  He is saving my life.  I have this distinct feeling that my world is going to be happier than ever once he arrives.  I understand that my chances of suffering from PPD are great and large, my feeling is that, like you, I will have separation anxiety and stress.  And oh, my poor husband, I know I am going to be a helicopter over his parenting.  Any advice on how I can avoid this or have a discussion with my husband to keep him in the loop.  Feeling embarrassed that these feelings are resurfacing.

  • @jaxsmommy2018 I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I don’t have too much advice to give as I’m visiting from the IVF board during a period of waiting. But I have suffered from clinical depression for most of my life and also plan on staying on my medications while pregnant. It’s great you’re continuing therapy and that you’re reaching out to people on this board. I also feel for my husband as the hormone based fertility treatments we’ve done reeked havoc on my emotional state. I had to increase my meds after the IUI. 

    All i I can say is please don’t feel embarassed. You are a brave and strong person who is pregnant while dealing with a chronic illness. I would try to talk to your husband as objectively as possible and let him know you can feel your mood shift and may have unexpected feelings after the baby is born. Maybe you can give him a concrete thing to do like take baby between feedings as often as possible when you’re feeling low. And maybe he could give you a signal like rub your hand gently if he feels you’re getting a little bonkers? :)

    Practice whatever self care has worked well for you in the past while you wait out this last bit of pregnancy. Aromatherapy? Stretching? Reading? Maybe you can cook some things to freeze to help make life easier for your little arrival. 

    Good luck and take care of yourself xx!!

    Me: 32  Husband:  46

    TTC since:  7/2015

    8/2016 Severe MFI

    5/2017 and 7/2017 IUI #1 & IUI #2 BFN 

    2/2018 IVF #1 

    4 healthy embryos frozen- 3 female and 1 male

    FET #1 male on 3/20/18

    Beta 3/29/18

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