August 2017 Moms

I don't know what to do.

My husband and I have been together for a year. I gave birth to DD in August and I am completely lost at the moment. I gave up my career to stay at home with DD because of relocation issues, a decision I now regret. My pregnancy was a nightmare. I would black out or pass out constantly, horrible full body pain, trouble breathing, my family disowned me because I got married so no support system, I was in a place that was unfamiliar so no friends. He would not help me with chores, cooking, clean up.. anything. I was on my own, when I would bring up issues (not helping, being on his phone constantly, being hostile or condecending)  he would snap at me, yell, tell me I was just being emotional. Every disagreement was my fault, I was "Just emotional". Towards the end of my pregnancy he could constantly pressure me to have sex, my pelvic, vaginal and back pain was unbearable and I would tell him that I wasn't feeling well. He would ask if we could just kiss, a compromise I thought was fair. That would always lead to him placing my hand on his penis, he would rub himself against me, grope me or attempt to remove my clothes. It didn't matter how much pain I was in, how sick or tired I was. Almost each night was like this. Some nights I was so tired of it I would give in just so he would go to sleep. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I felt used, like that's all I was good for. August comes, I am passed my due date so they schedule an induction. The birth goes pretty smoothly. Whilst still in the hospital my husband would sleep through the night, through the crying and all. He wouldn't even keep me company, one night I was just so exhausted and in pain I set my daughter down and began to cry. The nurse came in, saw my husband sleeping away and said she would take my daughter so I could shower and collect myself. We go home and he takes paternal leave. The entire 10 days he does not help with feedings, dishes, cooking, grocery shopping. I am exhausted and going out of my mind. His response when I say I need help? It's not his fault that he's tired, he can't force himself to stay awake. I do everything and he doesn't bat an eye. I was rarely able to rest post partum. All of this led to me tearing my stitches open which was incredibly painful, so much so that I couldn't even urinate or walk properly. I was able to go to the OB but they could not close them due to risk of infection. Still no help. This reoccurring theme of not helping, not being emotionally supportive, not being appreciative or even kind has continued to this very point. He does not help with feedings when he comes home or at night. He vaccums the house maybe twice a week, cleans mirrors, surfaces and the bathroom once a week, puts laundry in washer and dryer  (I told everything) once a week. That is all. I get about 3 or 4 hours of sleep of I'm lucky. He does not care. I ask him to keep up with chores, I tell him that emotionally I don't feel fulfilled and he says that he's trying his best. He can't even clean up after himself. I am so exhausted, and sad, and  I feel so alone. I don't know what to do, I've told him what I need and he doesn't do any of it longer than a few days or he'll day it's my fault that I'm upset because I expect too much. He had called me a bitch, cursed at me, called me a fucking psycho, and shoved me back  into the wall, with DD in my arms, with the bedroom door when i was trying to shut it. That instance he kept trying to take DD out of my arms aggressively and I was trying to get away from him.I just want to feel appreciated, loved, and needed. I feel like nothing. I don't know what to do, j have np one to talk to.

Re: I don't know what to do.

  • Sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like he really sucks and may be abusive to you, emotionally if not physically with the shoving. My husband had a little trouble the first week or two with helping do chores but has improved so much now. I think men do take longer to bind sometimes and when they're used to us taking care of them they sometimes don't get how difficult it is for us to continue right after delivery. It sounds like you might be suffering from postpartum depression as well, based on how you expressed discontent with leaving a career to be a sahm. I urge you to talk with your doctor about your feelings to get help for your own emotions and for the baby's sake. As for your husband, I don't know how to approach that to help him understand or change. Are his parents involved? Could you speak with your MIL about what's happening and maybe she or his father can talk to them about how they dealt with the changes that come with a baby? Idk if that would help, but it might. 
  • I would be on the first flight out of that relationship. He sounds like a shit bag and you need to get a better life for you and the baby. 
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