Visitors at the hospital/at home

oldersis

I have seen some posts in various threads about having people visit at the hospital, or at home after the birth and I thought maybe this topic deserved its own discussion. Ladies, I am here to tell you that this is your experience and you are absolutely allowed to say what you do and don't want. Some people love a delivery room full of people and don't care if their FIL is there while their cervix is getting checked or they are getting stitched up post-delivery. Yay for those people and you do you.

HOWEVER

If you don't want a bunch of people on crotch watch, or running into the room right after you squeezed an 8 pound baby out of your vag or had a csection, or staying in your home expecting you to entertain them/hand over your baby (even though they swear they are just there to help) while you figure out breastfeeding and change your giant postpartum pads...that is totally your call. You get one chance to experience this birth and postpartum time. There is no do over. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your baby. You can do it in a way that is firm yet respectful and if people aren't respectful in return, they are telling you something about themselves that it is valuable to learn before the baby gets here.

[Stepping off soapbox]

kaymariec

I think pregnancy is a true test of people's character. My husband and I come from completely different cultures. His family expects to come stay with us right when we bring baby home and they would all happily show up at the hospital, kids too, to watch me Labor. My family, on the other hand, is about privacy and if I say leave me alone they will, no questions asked. It's hard to explain to someone that you and the baby need space. I guess it really says something if they are offended by your preference. It really puts stress on me having this baby knowing I'm going to piss of his entire family. 

elev2017

We went on a maternity tour of the hospital last night and I was really relieved to hear that they only allow three designated "support people" in the labor and birth room, and for a C-section, one support person in the operating room and two in the recovery room. They also do not allow any additional visitors for at least an hour after the babies are born. I think in general my family and DH's family will be respectful of my privacy, but twins are probably going to be a bit of a spectacle so I think I could get a decent amount of visitors. Aside from our immediate family, I just don't plan to tell anyone the babies have been born until the next day, then I think I'll be happy to see people.

balletnerd

I love this group because it makes me not feel so alone in this! I posted in one of the other threads... but basically we just made our wishes known to our Mother in Law and she did not take it well at all. We asked if it was possible for her to get a hotel (she lives across the country- said she can't afford it and we said ok) But we wanted to discuss our expectations and that we wanted some privacy and to figure out things on our own. Also- that we didn't want anyone in the waiting room at the hospital- it would be much more helpful to have someone at our house taking care of our animals (3 dogs 1 cat). She doesn't want to fly out to be a "petsitter". So isn't sure she is coming anymore... ugh. Stay strong ladies! It sucks having this conflict but I feel strongly about my DH and I having some private time with our first baby! It just sucks that she is taking it as we think she is a horrible mother and going to push all her views on us. That we don't want her there at all which is not true. Ok rant over haha

dkizz82

I was so anxious about visitors. First of off I had an unplanned, emergency c section. I posted on Facebook that we were about to have the baby and we would not welcome visitors until the following day. Of course my mom and my mil and fil were there the whole time BUT the in laws saw her while I was in recovery and then they left to give us time. 

Set your rules. Tell people before hand. And.... your nurses can be the bitch. They will totally do that for you. Tell them you don't want visitors and they'll send people away. 

I also asked people to leave when it was time to breastfeed. Ain't no body got no time to be entertaining when baby is hungry. 

Our hospital has "rest time" every day and there are no visitors allowed. Just check with your hospital and see what they allow and don't. 

failuretofly

I'll share my experience. My mom came to visit 2 days after DS was born for 2 weeks. I didn't fight it because I thought that's just what "you're supposed to do" and everyone makes it seem like newborns are so terrifying that you absolutely must have "help" or you'll surely die. 
I also had asked my ILs NOT to come because I was worried about hormones and feeling the need to entertain them and such... 
Turned out my mom (the walking ball of anxiety and stress) was the absolute worst person i could have had there. She was zero to minimal help beyond stealing the baby out of my arms every second he was content and posting a million pictures of him to Facebook. 
Needless to say, I am asking the ILs to come stay for a month or so when the baby arrives to help with DS, the dog and the house. They are MUCH better at respecting boundaries than my mom and wouldn't dare overstep. And they always take the initiative to help in meaningful ways. Those are the kind of people you want around. People who have zero ego and are genuinely there to help the way YOU need and not to feed their own needs. 

kate0506

I Intend to be fully honest with people this time round and do what I want to do, and feel at ease and relaxed with my choice.
With my first son we lived with my parents as we were waiting to move into our new house and my mother is extremely controlling. Right from the start she told me that she was going to be with us in the delivery room. Hubby and I were adamant that we just wanted it to be an intimate and special experience just the two of us, but I knew my mum would throw a hissy fit if I told her she couldn't be there. When it came to the day, I had to rush to the hospital when she eventually left the house to go food shopping and didn't let her know anything until I'd had him a few hrs later. My hubby rang her and said it was all a mad rush and there was no phone signal in the hospital to ring her. At least we managed to have it our way, but it was extremely stressful trying to act like I wasn't having contractions and waiting to escape. Safe to say I've learnt from my mistake and this time she's been put on stay at home babysitting duties thank God  .
Trust me ladies, you do things your way and don't let people control your birth, you really don't need that pressure.
Apologies for the long boring story  

cait5413

@kvacmack makes a great point--who is coming to stay can make a big difference. We live away from both of our families, so neither was at the hospital (and if we had still been living near them I probably wouldn't have told anyone I went into labor if I thought they wouldn't respect our wishes not to show up). I didn't want anyone there but DH. My parents came up for one night the day we got out of the hospital and brought us dinner that night. My Dh's parents came a few weeks after DD was born and stayed for about 6 weeks BUT they came because we asked them to. I needed to be back at work 2 days a week and DD was too little to go to daycare. They took short weekend trips just about every weekend so that we did get some time away from each other, they helped cook and clean up, and they helped walk DD around when she was fed and dry but wouldn't sleep. It's still somewhat hard having people in your house for that long (for me, anyway), but our house is big enough so that we didn't feel like we were on top of each other all the time, and they were a big help to us. 

This time, my mom will come up for my scheduled c-section to be with DD and stay a few days while we are in the hospital. DH's parents will come up around New Year's and will help out when I go back to work in January. (I'd be fine with them not coming til closer til I go back to work, but they are eager to see DD and the new babe since their last visit was at the beginning of August.) Since we live in the south and they live up north, they will be happy to get away from the real winter weather. They'll probably take some weekend trips again and then go down to visit family in Florida once the baby is old enough for daycare. No one will be at the hospital and I will not have my mom bring DD by until DH and I have had some time alone with the baby. Luckily, everyone is on board with our plan. 

Also, DH is super supportive and will totally tell his parents to get out if I need him to (sometimes he takes this a little too far). He adores his parents, but he is solidly on my team and will support me 100%. 

Kirss

Last time we had some visitors at the hospital, but no one really over stayed their welcome. I should also say my water broke a day before my scheduled C/S, so I'm not sure if that had anything to do with anything. It was NBD for us. Then when we had visitors at the house they brought me food, and never really over stayed their welcome either, so it was a win win. This time I'm sure it will be the same story, although I'm not sure how close EDD is to the holidays will play a role, but still I'm sure I'll be happy if they bring me food. 

disneyfan0511

We have already let our families know that we are not allowing visitors outside my parents and our children while we're in the hospital. I will be recovering from a c/s, it's cold & flu season, and I just want some time to relax and bond as a family of 5. Everyone has been understanding. In some ways we're lucky because this is our third baby it's less exciting for everyone, but I also just need some quiet time to transition, rest and recover. 

failuretofly

OH! @disneyfan0511 reminded me!
Since it is cold and flu season, we will have an absolute, zero question, rule that ANYONE who stays with us the first few weeks will have their flu shot and ensure their pertussis vaccine is up to date.

flowerpower5838

Do NOT allow someone to stay in your home if they are not going to actually HELP you. Holding the baby so you can make dinner or do laundry, etc. is not helping. We were SO lucky that both of our mothers were absolute godsends and let us do our thing and get into the groove and being parents while they were there to truly offer actual help and support.

Here is what worked in my particular situation: We live about 4 hours from our parents (and the rest of most of our family so we didn't have to worry about any rando visitors thankfully). They both left when I was admitted to the hospital and went straight to our house. We sent updates via text but requested that they wait for those updates as opposed to texting/calling us and they respected that. DH texted when it was clear it was "time" and let them know that we expect to have privacy for at least an hour after (I think it ended up being about 90 minutes). We saw them for a bit in L&D, they were will us when we moved to the recovery room, we said our goodbyes and they went home (our home). They both visited the next morning (staggered so they could each have some time) and then MIL left that day. My mother stayed with us for about 10 days as DH had to go back to work fairly quickly and then my MIL stayed the next 5 days or so. This ONLY worked because they were more supporting actors than lead characters so to speak. They truly made things easier for us and it'll be an easy decision to do that again, but if one had been a baby hog or scoffed at me breastfeeding in front of them, etc. it would certainly be a different story.

I know this sounds awful but (as long as your spouse is on board) who cares if they are mad at you? It will blow over. They will manage to come and see their grandchild on your terms. And if they don't, trust me, if it wasn't this it would have been something else that caused drama/a riff/etc. The boundary setting starts now. Don't be a pushover and stand your ground. 

ngarciabyu

flowerpower5838 said:

Do NOT allow someone to stay in your home if they are not going to actually HELP you. Holding the baby so you can make dinner or do laundry, etc. is not helping. We were SO lucky that both of our mothers were absolute godsends and let us do our thing and get into the groove and being parents while they were there to truly offer actual help and support.

Here is what worked in my particular situation: We live about 4 hours from our parents (and the rest of most of our family so we didn't have to worry about any rando visitors thankfully). They both left when I was admitted to the hospital and went straight to our house. We sent updates via text but requested that they wait for those updates as opposed to texting/calling us and they respected that. DH texted when it was clear it was "time" and let them know that we expect to have privacy for at least an hour after (I think it ended up being about 90 minutes). We saw them for a bit in L&D, they were will us when we moved to the recovery room, we said our goodbyes and they went home (our home). They both visited the next morning (staggered so they could each have some time) and then MIL left that day. My mother stayed with us for about 10 days as DH had to go back to work fairly quickly and then my MIL stayed the next 5 days or so. This ONLY worked because they were more supporting actors than lead characters so to speak. They truly made things easier for us and it'll be an easy decision to do that again, but if one had been a baby hog or scoffed at me breastfeeding in front of them, etc. it would certainly be a different story.

I know this sounds awful but (as long as your spouse is on board) who cares if they are mad at you? It will blow over. They will manage to come and see their grandchild on your terms. And if they don't, trust me, if it wasn't this it would have been something else that caused drama/a riff/etc. The boundary setting starts now. Don't be a pushover and stand your ground. 

Pretty much all of this. My mom and MIL came and left as we requested and did nothing but help. My MIL stocked our freezer full of freezer meals, helped watch my son, watched my baby so I could sleep (when DH had to go to work) and even helped me decorate for upcoming holidays (DS was born in November). My mom cleaned and just always made sure my house was in order, we had food stocked up, I mean everything. Aside from our parents, we don't have a lot of people around us that would be interested in visiting us in the hospital. I had a very strict no visitors during labor rule, and only brief visits during recovery. And thankfully everyone was like "yes that's best." I have no clue how I would react if someone made me feel bad for trying to force me out of my comfort zone. 

Mandayno

I LOVE feeling like I have all of you strong women as a support system!!! 

Bailey1823A

We don't live near family but it was a nightmare at the hospital with my first. With number two both my mom (who we invited down to be with my older daughter) and in laws were here at the same time even though I didn't really want this. Ended up with mastitis and mil was a bitch the whole time about not being able to hold baby much with me breastfeeding. Also I had to hide in another room to nurse. This time I'm saying fuck it. People will visit when I say no overlapping. Anyone who is sick or what not will not be allowed to be there and no shots equals no holding baby and I will nurse wherever I want in my home! Definitely stand your ground cause I wish I had with my first two! 

SoxGirl982

With my first, it was just DH and I at the hospital for DD's birth. My parents live about an hour and a half from us and IL's are about 15 minutes away. My mom stayed at my house so she could be closer. About 3 hours after she was born, my mom and my in-laws came to see her (my dad had shingles and wasn't able to come.) They stayed for about an hour and a half but MIL was clearly trying to run the show. I was in labor for over 25 hours and totally exhausted and MIL clearly wanted to be entertained and be the only one to hold DD. the next day my mom and brothers came to visit and brought us breakfast and coffee. They stayed for less than an hour and then left. In laws along with DH's brother, step brother and their wives all came at the same time and played pass the baby for over 2 hours. Whenever someone was "done" holding her they gave her to MIL. Got into a fight with MIL bc she invited her sister (DH's aunt) to the hospital even though we said no one but parents and siblings. This aunt is a chain smoker and refused to not smoke prior to coming to the hospital so I put my foot down and said now. MIL was pissy with me and kept making comments. I was nauseous and exhausted and just wanted to get some rest. I ended up going into the bathroom and throwing up. Nurse came in and kicked everyone out. My mom spent the first 2 days/nights with us and was a godsend. She cleaned our entire hourse, took the dog for walks, cooked, and took DD so I could nap every so often. After that, our first few weeks at home were very difficult. We had far too many visitors and IL's were always over. MIL gave DD her first bath at home (DH had wanted to do it) and I cried for hours. 

This time will be totally different. We will be at a new hospital less than 4 minutes from our house. My parents will be coming to stay with DD. No one will be there for labor and delivery except for myself and DH. DD will be the first to meet her sister and we will just have time together for the 4 of us. After that, only my parents and IL's are allowed to visit in the hospital (the rooms in the hospital are less than half the size of the rooms at our previous hospital). We will schedule visits with our siblings to come and visit in the first week at home. My mom will be staying with us for a week or two after DH goes back to work (he's only going to end up having a week and a half off from work.) IL's must give at least 2/3 hours notice when they want to visit and must respect when we say that it's not a good time/day. No other visitors until I feel ready. And everyone must have flu/tdap shots if they are planning on visiting the hospital/our home. This was a major point of contention with DH's step father when DD1 was born (January baby).

I didn't stand my ground when DD1 was born and just did what everyone else wanted me to do. I was uncomfortable, scared, and constantly doubted my abilities as a mother as a result. I also had major PPA. This time around I will be doing things in a way that works best for myself, DH, DD1 and the new baby. Everyone else comes second to the needs of our family. I hope all you ladies figure out what works best for YOU and your families too! Childbirth/having a newborn isn't a show or a spectator sport. You do you and everyone else around you just needs to adjust  

whiska

flowerpower5838 said:

Do NOT allow someone to stay in your home if they are not going to actually HELP you. Holding the baby so you can make dinner or do laundry, etc. is not helping. We were SO lucky that both of our mothers were absolute godsends and let us do our thing and get into the groove and being parents while they were there to truly offer actual help and support.

snip

Right on. I think this is key for me.  If I thought for a second that my mom or MIL would actually be helpful, I would love for them to come stay.  But my mom will just sit there and like Statler and Waldorf make comments about the ways I'm fucking up (she would think it's hilarious), and my MIL would just do the "hold the baby" thing while I do all the housework.  I'd rather just be by myself with H and baby, making the best of that time to bond and get our bearings, than have to deal with either of them or get any housework done.  And I don't give two shits if that hurts their feelings.  If they really cared they would change their behaviors/attitudes about the whole thing and offer to do concrete tasks while here.

My sister would be genuinely and truly helpful, but she has 3 kids of her own and this will be the holidays so basically, no in-home overnight visitors for me!

Last night H brought up them coming the weekend before Christmas to stay (this is our tradition with them) and I just wanted to be like, "Dude, what part of no visitors for a month do you not understand??" but I was like, "Let's not make plans. We'll see."

Also, I found some info on due dates that I'll put over in the Symptoms thread. Relevant because we have no idea when baby will come relative to Thanksgiving and Christmas, but maybe math can help me have more realistic expectations  And H too!

mdcd44127

@SoxGirl982 I actually teared up while reading your story, especially at the part about your MIL giving DD1 her first bath when your DH had wanted to. Thank you so much (to you and to all the ladies who have posted here, too many of you to tag at this point) for sharing your experiences, good and bad, and helping us prepare for this new adventure and all the complications that can arise when family is involved. 

eazybreezy225

If you come to my room, don't expect me to be "modest" for you.
You will see my tits.
If you didn't want to see tits, you shouldn't walk into a recovery room of a maternity ward where moms are pumping and/or breastfeeding.

When i had DD1, the hospital had these people from a photography place (365 , I think?), go room to room asking people if you wanted newborn pictures taken of your baby... I totally had my tits out when they walked in. But I seriously didn't care... I ignored the hints the photographer lady was giving me about them and just let it all hang out. Lol.