New-again lady (child & loss mentioned)

allyall10

Hey ladies,
This will be long, so please stick with me.  I am here because I am literally just scared to try again.  I will get into why, but wanted to get that out of the bag first.  I. am. scared.  Scared to do all the meds again.  Scared of a no again.  Scared of a yes that turns out badly again.  It's all just too much.  And I feel we all shouldn't have to go through this.  I feel it's made me stronger.  But possibly not strong enough.

I found out when I was 24 that I had premature ovarian failure.  The diagnosis came pretty quickly in my journey and threw more than a few wrenches in my life.  My first appointment with my first RE went well, but ended up with him telling me I basically HAD to use a donor to get pregnant.  Or adopt.  We made that decision to start the process and my office used fresh donor cycles at that time.  Fantastically, everything went like a dream the first time.  We now a Kindergartener!  My son is awesome and the love of everyone he meets.  We assumed that things work out well and this was just how we needed to get pregnant.

However, when we tried again, things went bad.  Try #2 with Donor #1 was from a distance and the progesterone injections bruised me badly and made me hate the process.  My husband was deployed.  I did it all with a 1.5 year old.  And it ended up in a positive pregnancy test, then a blighted ovum.

We moved to a different state and a different office and tried again with Donor #2.  Try #1, Injections did the same thing.  It was  negative.  And I CRASHED hard off the meds.  Thought I was going to end up being treated for depression, but my progesterone crashed to almost nothing.  Try #2 ended up in another blighted ovum.  The doctor was confused, ran some tests, and then gave me no new info or hope for things working out.  My uterus is apparently fine.

So I find myself now with RE #3.  He's telling me it's not my fault and my body will become pregnant if given the right embryo.  I have 3 frozen embryos in RE #2's office.  We're trying to get RE#3's opinion on the quality to see if it's worth even trying with them.  He has assured me no shots if he does my protocol.  He has also told me that I can have them shipped to him, or he will simply monitor me for RE #2 if we decide to have it done with him.

However, I am just plain scared to try again.  It's a hard road, as you all know.  And it sucks.  And I should be grateful I have a child, right? (which I totally am, so why push my luck).  But, we'd like to try again.  I am just scared to actually do it.  I thought coming here to get my thoughts out, find some support, and offer support to others who are in my same boat might just fill my cup enough to help me through this one way or another.

Thanks if you made it this far!

JamieH2000

Wow, what a journey you have been on. I can only imagine how hard it was to go through the news of POF at 24. I am 29 and now using an egg donor too, and its been hard, but I'm sure even harder at 24. I am scared too, and I haven't even been through the losses that you have. It gives me hope to hear of your DE success, but also makes me scared since DE isn't a guarantee. You should definitely join us on the IVF with Donor Egg thread, as a couple of us are just starting cycling soon and/or transferring soon.  I wish I could say more to help, just know that you aren't alone and we will all be here for you no matter the outcome!

allyall10

@JamieH2000 Thank you for your kind words.  I will join you on that thread if I can find it.  I'm hoping just being in a community of people with similar issues will offer me some peace in one way, shape, or form.  It seems once again that everyone around me is pregnant and I seriously just don't want to get my hopes up to have them crushed.

tosh24

I'm so sorry about your losses and that you find yourself here again. This process can really take a lot out of a person.

I feel "in between" quite often. Like fertile women will NEVER understand what it means to go through the physical, mental, and emotional anguish of years of fertility treatments and pregnancy loss, but some women struggling with primary infertility think we should just "shut up and sit down" because we have a kid already. It sucks and it's lonely. The whole thing about having fertility issues is the loss of the dreams and visions you had for your life and that remains true whether you are struggling to conceive your first, or struggling to conceive a sibling. We can be thankful for our kids and still struggle with the heartache of life not turning out the way we had planned. So definitely do not discount your feelings because others think you should be thankful that you have one child already (of course you are!).

I also feel scared and defeated most of the time. After 2 losses, I've started wondering if I should just give up and move on. The grief, the dashed hopes, the financial burden, the marriage strain...it all just gets to be too much sometimes. I try to visualize myself as an old lady sitting in my rocker and I think about whether or not at the end of my life, I would regret not continuing with another cycle. That helps me to make my decision most of the time, because my answer is always "yes" no matter how awful I feel lol. A friend of mine went through 3 failed IVFs and she said her "decision tree" was like a triangle with each point labeled "emotional", "mental", and "physical". She said she didn't decide to call it quits until she maxed out on all 3. As long as there is at least one of those point that you don't feel "maxed out" on (even if you feel maxed out on the other two), she said you will always feel like trying just one more time. (I guess you could throw finances in there too since if you max out on that one, the other 3 don't matter, but I digress).

Good luck with whatever you decide.