I gained more weight nursing then I did in pregnancy I also had a real drop in supply if I didn't eat starch. I'm really hoping this time around will be different, because I don't think I can handle gaining more weight right now.
@LiveNLove44 fingers crossed the stars will all align and you'll get your dream house!
@npkat so exciting about finding a hb! Grow baby grow!
@justkeeptrying you're so creative...I literally told my friends tonight by saying 'thanks for bringing the wine but I can't drink it until March'
Ok, this a long long random, so please bear with me ladies...this is not to start debates, I merely want to use this space to let out some thougts...
I have a twin sister, she is my best friend. I love her dearly. She married a narcissist 10 years ago and with 2 young kids in the picture she started to realize he did not prioritize family, or her, and they fought constantly the past two years. It was a toxic toxic situation...a lot of emotional and verbal abuse going on. Borderline physical.
So a year ago:
-she started telling me that she was probably going to end the relationship ... they had tried therapy and other methods, nothing was working. -I supported her and told her I would stand behind her as I could tell no one was happy, including the kids -a few months later she told me she was in love with someone else...I guess it happened around the same time she was falling out of love with her husband (they are still together) -I don't support adultery or affairs, but everyone's circumstance is different so I didn't judge, I supported her and told her I wouldn't tell anyone (which I haven't) and told her I was happy for her as she seemed happy -it took a long time, but she finally moved out with the kids, her husband stayed in the family home and has the kids a couple days a week -her husband told his parents what was going on, his mom then tried to commit suicide and the note blamed it on my sister -my sister and her husband just sold their house, her husband then got so upset about everything that he drank, drove, and got a DUI so can't drive to work, kids school, etc for over a month (also a secret I can't tell)
Here's the thing, we have had drama free lives growing up...we were rule followers, so this is all so foreign to me.
I guess my question is, I realize my sister has it the worst, of course, but all of this drama is starting to wear on me and on our relationship...I no longer want to hang out with her as I feel she's become a bit of a different bitter person, and with me being 11 weeks pregnant, nauseaous, with a toddler, working full time, just having moved houses, I'm having a hard time having patience for her very misbehaved kids, so am avoiding hanging out with them.
I want to support her, while also taking care of myself and my emotional and mental needs ... anyone have any advice?!?!?!
@mountain_girl Wow. That's a lot to deal with and it definitely is exhausting to try to support someone through that. I'm assuming that you're talking about an actual narcissist in the clinical sense. Sounds like the narcissist doesn't fall far from the tree. I haven't read it but I have heard good things about the book, "Divorcing a Narcissist". It may be helpful for both of you to read it. They are a whole different ballgame. It helps to understand a bit more.
I do think that it's appropriate to tell her that she likely needs counseling and so do the kids. For her, being that involved with a narcissist for that long can be really damaging and might be part of why she is acting the way she is. For the kids, the damage of having a narcissist for a parent plus the general upheaval is likely why they're acting out. I mean, their grandmother attempted suicide, blamed it on their mom, mom has a new boyfriend, they're being shuttled from place to place, dad got a DUI and can't drive... at its very best, divorce is hard on kids. This is quite a bit worse. Even if you think they're too young to know and understand, they still pick up on the fact that things are wrong and that the adults in their lives are stressed.
It's appropriate for them to all get into counseling and the fact of the matter is that you're not equipped to deal with what she has going on in her life. It also helps to solve your part of the problem. You can just say, "I don't know what to tell you. This is beyond what I know how to deal with. Have you found a counselor yet? You need an expert."
Try to walk the line between taking care of yourself and also maintaining the relationship & not making her feel abandoned. Even though the blame for the suicide attempt is completely preposterous, even just that part of this would eat at a person. She needs help right now. Figure out the things you can do and do them. Maybe make a weekly coffee date with something you have to do afterwards to force it to be kept to the time you planned. Good luck.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
@mountain_girl@kiki75 gave great advice! I am sorry you are going through all of this, but you have been a great support for your sister. This is all such a sensitive issue and I hope things get better for everyone. Good luck.
@mountain_girl@kiki75 had some great points, and I think you should take those to heart.
I think one of the things that you could do to help is to offer to take the kids off her now and then to give her some time and space to herself, and simultaneously give the kids a mental break from all the drama and tumultuousness. Even just a day or 2 off from that could mean the world to kids who are living through something like that.
As for your sister, I had a similar experience with a narcissistic SM, and I got to a point where I had to create distance with my dad, for years, because the "support" I offered wasn't getting either of us anywhere, and it was harming me and people in my life to try over and over again. It is different with a parent as opposed to a sibling, but there is some crossover, I think. If you try the coffee date thing and the suggestions of therapy to her as kiki suggested, and that stuff works for her AND for you, that's great. But don't be afraid if that fails to be temporarily more distant from her. It doesn't make you a bad person, or selfish, it makes you a survivor. And if she knows you and cares about you as much as you know and care about her, once she is out of this she will understand and respect that you had to take care of yourself and your family and that you would have been shortchanging yourself and other people in your life by constantly putting her first. I'm not saying to abandon her, I'm just saying, don't let this overtake your life. It is an easy and common trap to get into "taking care of someone else's mess" mode and that doesn't sound like an option for you no matter how much you care for her and want her life to be better. You have your own toddler, pregnancy, and relationship to manage. You're not doing anyone any good by not putting those things first.
Headed to the zoo, praying I can hold it together both energy and stomach wise. DH actually has the first day off that he's had in months and Summer is almost done. Come on Mom, you can do this.
@mountain_girl that is a lot to face in a family, no matter the circumstances of each individual, and I think it's really important to acknowledge in your mind how it wears on you, but to share that with her wouldn't help her situation and might be harder on your relationship. Sharing that here or with your other friends might help you to work through it without having to tell your sister that her life's challenges exhaust you (because I can imagine they are beyond emotionally taxing for her). I know you mentioned that some of these things are secret, so I guess it will be tricky to determine where you find space to process these events.
With that said, and I think others have mentioned this too, it's important for the long term strength of your relationship with your sister and family if you can find a way to simultaneously support her in a way that takes something off her plate, if even for a short while, but does not put more emotional responsibility on you to "fix" anything. I like the idea @vflux33 mentioned of finding a way to take the kids. Is there a way you could bring them to an activity that doesn't require too much of you, other than monitoring and driving? Doing that might help more than you think, and it could also be the main part of how you stay connected during this time if the emotional toll is too much at times for you. Does she live close?
I'm sorry you're facing these family challenges at this time; there's never a good time to face them, but I know while pregnant can be the hardest sometimes. Positive vibes your way!
@kiki75, @DDRRT1982, @vflux33, @LiveNLove44 thank you thank you sharing your personal stories and advice. I feel like some of you are either counsellors or meant to be counsellors?! I really appreciate your suggestions...counselling could definitely be a possibility, though $$ is really tight for her, so might have to in the future...and I could definitely help more with taking the kids, I'm honestly just not comfortable with it as they constantly have to have a referee (they physically fight a lot), and the younger one will run off...saying this, I should definitely make more of an effort to help in this way. Thank you again, i really appreciate you taking the time to 'listen'
NEVER HAD A CAESAR? I live off of them and they have been my cover so far this pregnancy
rim a glass with celery salt 1-2 Oz vodka dash of Worcestershire (optional) dash of tobasco (optional) dash of lime juice (optional) fill with clamato juice garnish (such a huge variety depending on your preference.... traditionally it is a celery stalk but people use spicy green beans, pickles or olives, pepperoni or jerky, cocktail onion... the list goes on)
they taste really good as a mock tail with no liquor. only issue is they are quite high in sodium.
eta- spelling
Omg this sounds delish! I've never heard of it, but if you replace the vodka with a Mexican beer, you've got a Michelada, which is super popular here -- so good!!! And I have ordered it with NA beer while pregnant, but the clamato juice wasn't going over so well, so I won't do that again.
I miss drinks!
***March '18 October Siggy Challenge: Halloween Costume Fails***
I've never had the Caesar you guys are talking about, but while I was out with friends they ordered me a witch's brew. It's apparently really popular but I couldn't drink more than a few sips, it was like pure sugar!
I waiting for my dr's office to call with my NIPT test results and they called me while I was at work. I just got off and now they're closed until 9 am tomorrow which is when I start work again. I won't be able to call until my lunch break. I'm dying to know the results/and the sex and I'm going to go crazy now that I know the results are in!
Me: 30 DH: 31 Married: May 2008 DD Born: March 2018 DS Born: April 2019 Due with #3 December 2020!
Hi guys! I kind of fell off the face of the earth for the last month or so... is it okay if I come back? I didn't post a ton before, but I really enjoy this board.
Re: Weekly Randoms - Wk of 8/21
I also had a real drop in supply if I didn't eat starch.
I'm really hoping this time around will be different, because I don't think I can handle gaining more weight right now.
@npkat so exciting about finding a hb! Grow baby grow!
@justkeeptrying you're so creative...I literally told my friends tonight by saying 'thanks for bringing the wine but I can't drink it until March'
Ok, this a long long random, so please bear with me ladies...this is not to start debates, I merely want to use this space to let out some thougts...
I have a twin sister, she is my best friend. I love her dearly. She married a narcissist 10 years ago and with 2 young kids in the picture she started to realize he did not prioritize family, or her, and they fought constantly the past two years. It was a toxic toxic situation...a lot of emotional and verbal abuse going on. Borderline physical.
So a year ago:
-she started telling me that she was probably going to end the relationship ... they had tried therapy and other methods, nothing was working.
-I supported her and told her I would stand behind her as I could tell no one was happy, including the kids
-a few months later she told me she was in love with someone else...I guess it happened around the same time she was falling out of love with her husband (they are still together)
-I don't support adultery or affairs, but everyone's circumstance is different so I didn't judge, I supported her and told her I wouldn't tell anyone (which I haven't) and told her I was happy for her as she seemed happy
-it took a long time, but she finally moved out with the kids, her husband stayed in the family home and has the kids a couple days a week
-her husband told his parents what was going on, his mom then tried to commit suicide and the note blamed it on my sister
-my sister and her husband just sold their house, her husband then got so upset about everything that he drank, drove, and got a DUI so can't drive to work, kids school, etc for over a month (also a secret I can't tell)
Here's the thing, we have had drama free lives growing up...we were rule followers, so this is all so foreign to me.
I guess my question is, I realize my sister has it the worst, of course, but all of this drama is starting to wear on me and on our relationship...I no longer want to hang out with her as I feel she's become a bit of a different bitter person, and with me being 11 weeks pregnant, nauseaous, with a toddler, working full time, just having moved houses, I'm having a hard time having patience for her very misbehaved kids, so am avoiding hanging out with them.
I want to support her, while also taking care of myself and my emotional and mental needs ... anyone have any advice?!?!?!
thx for 'listening' !!!
I do think that it's appropriate to tell her that she likely needs counseling and so do the kids. For her, being that involved with a narcissist for that long can be really damaging and might be part of why she is acting the way she is. For the kids, the damage of having a narcissist for a parent plus the general upheaval is likely why they're acting out. I mean, their grandmother attempted suicide, blamed it on their mom, mom has a new boyfriend, they're being shuttled from place to place, dad got a DUI and can't drive... at its very best, divorce is hard on kids. This is quite a bit worse. Even if you think they're too young to know and understand, they still pick up on the fact that things are wrong and that the adults in their lives are stressed.
It's appropriate for them to all get into counseling and the fact of the matter is that you're not equipped to deal with what she has going on in her life. It also helps to solve your part of the problem. You can just say, "I don't know what to tell you. This is beyond what I know how to deal with. Have you found a counselor yet? You need an expert."
Try to walk the line between taking care of yourself and also maintaining the relationship & not making her feel abandoned. Even though the blame for the suicide attempt is completely preposterous, even just that part of this would eat at a person. She needs help right now. Figure out the things you can do and do them. Maybe make a weekly coffee date with something you have to do afterwards to force it to be kept to the time you planned. Good luck.
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
I think one of the things that you could do to help is to offer to take the kids off her now and then to give her some time and space to herself, and simultaneously give the kids a mental break from all the drama and tumultuousness. Even just a day or 2 off from that could mean the world to kids who are living through something like that.
As for your sister, I had a similar experience with a narcissistic SM, and I got to a point where I had to create distance with my dad, for years, because the "support" I offered wasn't getting either of us anywhere, and it was harming me and people in my life to try over and over again. It is different with a parent as opposed to a sibling, but there is some crossover, I think. If you try the coffee date thing and the suggestions of therapy to her as kiki suggested, and that stuff works for her AND for you, that's great. But don't be afraid if that fails to be temporarily more distant from her. It doesn't make you a bad person, or selfish, it makes you a survivor. And if she knows you and cares about you as much as you know and care about her, once she is out of this she will understand and respect that you had to take care of yourself and your family and that you would have been shortchanging yourself and other people in your life by constantly putting her first. I'm not saying to abandon her, I'm just saying, don't let this overtake your life. It is an easy and common trap to get into "taking care of someone else's mess" mode and that doesn't sound like an option for you no matter how much you care for her and want her life to be better. You have your own toddler, pregnancy, and relationship to manage. You're not doing anyone any good by not putting those things first.
With that said, and I think others have mentioned this too, it's important for the long term strength of your relationship with your sister and family if you can find a way to simultaneously support her in a way that takes something off her plate, if even for a short while, but does not put more emotional responsibility on you to "fix" anything. I like the idea @vflux33 mentioned of finding a way to take the kids. Is there a way you could bring them to an activity that doesn't require too much of you, other than monitoring and driving? Doing that might help more than you think, and it could also be the main part of how you stay connected during this time if the emotional toll is too much at times for you. Does she live close?
I'm sorry you're facing these family challenges at this time; there's never a good time to face them, but I know while pregnant can be the hardest sometimes. Positive vibes your way!
I miss drinks!
I waiting for my dr's office to call with my NIPT test results and they called me while I was at work. I just got off and now they're closed until 9 am tomorrow which is when I start work again. I won't be able to call until my lunch break. I'm dying to know the results/and the sex and I'm going to go crazy now that I know the results are in!
Married: May 2008
DD Born: March 2018
DS Born: April 2019
Due with #3 December 2020!
I also miss alcohol. Lol