Just an update since I mentioned I was going to see a new OB and possibly switching practices-I absolutely love the new OB. She took her time with me to learn my history and actually shared that she and I have basically the same loss histories- she had 3 first trimester unexplained losses, followed by 2 healthy pregnancies on progesterone supplements. She sent me for an ultrasound because she didn't want me to stress if we didn't find the heartbeat quickly on the Doppler, and she discussed options such as NIPT/NT scan/etc with me as well as what my overall goals were for this pregnancy/what I would want to do differently than my last delivery and helped me decide what options were best for us. Meeting with her made me realize how impersonal my old OB's office really was and I'm so glad I found this office.
so I've been sick with a horrendous cold for three days and I definitely feel better today but it comes with feeling nervous that my illness hurt the baby. I'm 10w3s. I don't feel nauseous really but I had bad insomnia last night. But today there's no boob pain at all. So I have myself worked up into a good lather because I'm sleep deprived. So I went online and found a doppler on one of those fb sale things. The person is willing to meet me in the parking lot at work to sell it to me (so I'm not murdered). And it's only 30$.
Well I made the mistake of telling my sister and she goes you're going to make yourself crazy. Comments like that make me nuts because I truly thing until you've had a pregnancy loss you don't understand. You don't understand the fear of carrying a baby that has already died. I carried my baby for 4 weeks not knowing it had died. I'm traumatized. And people call me crazy and paranoid. Could the doppler make me nuts? Yes. But could it help my horrible anxiety? Yes. I'm sitting at work shaking with anxiety and now anger and hurt because it's so true that no one truly understands pregnancy loss and the horrible fear you live with every day. That all our planning could be over in an instant.
@maureenbioni, *hugs* I'm so sorry, and you are completely right. What your sister said was insensitive and thoughtless. I don't think she meant to hurt you, but she doesn't understand that your anxiety is already making you feel crazy so she should have said something constructive instead of criticizing the way you have decided to ease your anxiety.
My doctor offers lessions on how to use dopplers, maybe you should ask yours if they offer help until you get comfortable finding baby? If not, there are plenty of YouTube videos to help you figure out how to locate baby, and what all the sounds are.
I also think you are going in with the right mind frame. Yes, the doppler might make it worse, keep an eye out for increasing anxiety and know that it is very difficult to locate that tiny heartbeat so early. Be patient, and know when you are causing yourself more harm than good. Don't expect much until after 12 weeks.
I really really really hope that the doppler helps you. Sometimes we just need a break from the constant worry
@maureenbioni if it gives you any piece of mind at all - I was freaking out all last week about losing my breast sensitivity. it is still completely 100% gone. I had an ultrasound on the weekend and the baby is fine.
I know it's hard... especially when you've had a MMC (I had one also) but the only thing you can for sure do for yourself right now is to relax and try to keep yourself calm and at peace...
@maureenbioni I'm also going to do a mass Facebook cleanup before I mention my pregnancy at all. Hopefully it'll make me feel better. I told DH if I decide to post it's because I'm asking for prayers/well wishes. I'll take as many as I can get.
I'm so sorry you're struggling. Lots of creepy internet hugs to you.
I'm also having a really tough time. A year ago tomorrow I started bleeding and found out we lost our baby. I'm starting to have flashbacks. Last night as I walked down the hallway the smell just reminded me of those days. I'm crampy for whatever reason and it's making me truly feel insane and panicky. I feel sick today and I don't know if it's pregnancy or anxiety.. or both. I'm sad and I'm scared and as much as I don't want my babies to go to school, I need August to end. So many icky memories the next 2 weeks.
Any appointments coming up? I see my OB tomorrow... just a follow up for my blood test and ultrasound this weekend. Very unlikely I'll get to hear/see the baby again so soon.
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)
I'm okay.... I WAS doing excellent on Saturday after hearing the HB and seeing my little baby on the US measuring right on track. Today however, I'm having lower back pain and some cramping - this has me upset again as I haven't had these symptoms before today. We are nearing our final loss milestone in a few days and I can't wait to be past it AND have another good ultrasound. Once i have both those things - I think I'll be able to rest a little easier.
GTKY: What is your favorite season and why?
I love the fall. I love th the colours. I love the smell of the crisp air. I love the hats! I work in fashion and it is by far the best season for our industry. I can't wait to order a hot chocolate on a cool day wearing a cozy sweater and people watch on a busy street. Its a fav moment of mine every year and I look forward to it.
Not sure I go here or not...but at the beginning of my pregnancy we found out it was supposed to be twins, but then we lost a twin. I thought I was doing ok with it, but I can't get it out of my head. The feelings of happiness, and sadness at once.
How far along are you? 10w 3d
Any appointments coming up? Tomorrow. And I have had the worst anxiety about it, which isn't normal for me.
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here) I guess I answered this already at the top.
GTKY: What is your favorite season and why? Fall, cool, crisp air. Pumpkin everything, yummy smells, and Thanksgiving!
I'm sorry to see so many ladies struggling this week. Hugs to you all! I'm so thankful we have one another here for support.
Remember to take things one day, one minute, one second at a time. Today, we are pregnant.
No one understands what we've each been through. So we must cope in whatever way we need. If that means dopplers, or no dopplers. Extra blood work, or no blood work. Taking medication, or avoiding everything under the sun.
We do what we need to do to cope until we feel at peace.
@kalawa, I am so so sorry to see you here, but yes, this is where you belong. I understand those mixed feelings of grieving for your baby, and feeling guilty that your are grateful you are still pregnant. I even went through a short period that I was angry that I was still pregnant. I felt like I could grieve properly. All feelings are possible and valid.
Its been 2 weeks now since I found out I lost one of my twins, and although I am still deeply saddened by the loss of my baby I have also started thinking about names for my other baby. That was a huge step for me.
I dont know if we will ever be able to celebrate or enjoy our pregnancy, and I know I will have times where I think 'what if', but hopefully there will be joy in the end for all of us.
*hugs, mama. You have found a group of friends here.
@chasingroygbiv thank you. I actually did that when I found out I was pregnant. I went through and deleted everyone I wasn't super close with. To me I don't believe anyone who wouldn't truly be there for me deserves to share in our pregnancy.
I have bad bad days too. I used the doppler today and found the heartbeat. It brought peace to my thoughts today but I also know if I don't find it tomorrow it doesn't mean anything. I hope you can find some peace tonight. ❤️
I'm praying for us all and hoping that while we struggle at times with the losses, we have safe spaces / people like this (and in person) where we can take a moment to mourn.
Me: 39 DP: 49
TTC since Jan 2017 BFP #2 7/11/17 | EDD 3/24/18 BFP #1 5/2/17 | EDD 1/12/18 | MC 5/18/17
Any appointments coming up? I am waiting for DH to come home with the car as I spotted brown this morning so I am off to the ER (I am away from home this week!)
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here) I was trying to talk myself off the ledge about the fact that I have had NO real symptoms for about a week after having some slight nausea, exhaustion and sore boobs. Now I had some brown after going to the bathroom and I am back to feeling like I have no hope. So nervous and worry that nothing is cooking in there. We shall see in a bit...
@bklyninri Take a deep breath. Brown spotting is usually no big deal and it's normal to have minimal symptoms and then have them get better. It's the right time for symptoms to lighten up right now. Let us know how it goes.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
Any appointments coming up? 8/21 ultrasound, 8/29 first official OB/GYN appt
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here) This pregnancy has helped me with my grief process. Up until now I had been mourning the loss of my 3 1/2 month old, as well as mourning the loss of being a parent with my new husband. We both are very happy about the pregnancy, but each visit (we've had just one ultrasound so far) we are reminded of our son Mars. He was born last November, so it feels like we JUST went through this.
GTKY: What is your favorite season and why? Fall is my favorite season... I like the cooling weather... but I know November will be a very hard month for us, as that is when we welcomed our son last year.
Mama to: Zane William 9/17/03 Vance Xenophon 5/17/06 Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17 Nova Marsela 3/14/18
hdaley re: facebook - I haven't been able to handle it or any social media since we lost our son. I have some friends who had babies around the same time we had ours and I can't look at them right now - and celebrate all the things they are doing like standing and eating and taking first steps... I just cant. I am also 40, approaching 41 and so early, we are waiting a long time before we let the cat out of the bag...I'm okay with that because I know I have my passenger with me and thats all that matters for now... In fact, I don't even think I will want a shower this time...I think I'm not going to feel comfortable until this baby is 6 mos old - maybe we will do a very very delayed "sip and see" long after we have this baby.... sure I want to celebrate this little person, I just am still so wounded.
Mama to: Zane William 9/17/03 Vance Xenophon 5/17/06 Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17 Nova Marsela 3/14/18
Thanks @kiki75. I am ok and taking some deep breaths!
After talking with my DH, we decided that heading to the ER wasn't the right move. This isn't an emergency, although I sometimes may feel that way! We are going to see what happens and try to wait it out till my appt next Thursday (it is the 12 week scan at 11.5 weeks). I know I can't control any of this. I had a m/c at around 7 weeks a few years back. This pregnancy is just so different than my first when I had my DS. I know that anything can happen but that doesn't mean that the worst is happening. This was a complete surprise for us and I guess I just need to be grateful for the time I have been able to say..."I'm pregnant!"
@bklyninri It is so, so hard to accept that every pregnancy is different and that it's okay. In some ways, I want this one to be like the last even while hoping it isn't. I had symptoms last time that I haven't had at all this time and other symptoms that I didn't have last time that I do now. Just keep swimming.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
@hullabalou & @bb3vj3n thank you... im so sorry that everyone in this little thread is struggling with being happy and positive with this pregnancy carrying around prior losses... I am at the point where I keep checking for blood...so paranoid.
Mama to: Zane William 9/17/03 Vance Xenophon 5/17/06 Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17 Nova Marsela 3/14/18
4 more days until I pass my very last loss milestone. Feeling blessed and deeply sad all at once. Wish I didn't have to wait another 2.5 weeks for my next ultrasound.
Just wondering, we had chosen names for our last baby - and we never got to use them. We decided together it would be too painful to use them this time and have been trying to think of others. We have some in mind.... but I still love the names we chose last time and I'm second guessing myself...I just don't want to upset DH by bringing it up. He has been so happy since we saw the baby on the weekend and I don't want to break his high... what do you all think? Should I wait a while before I bring it up? I mean... realistically we have 30 weeks to go before we really have to decide anything. I'm thinking I should wait until the fear of loss is a little more firmly behind us...
Thanks ladies for welcoming me. @senora76 so sorry for your loss.
I have had QUITE the day today. I get to my MW appt and we do all the history, etc. and are just going to try for a heartbeat on the doppler...when I start TW gushing blood. Everywhere. She brings me to a private bathroom to change into pants another midwife has found me, and gives me a pad. I had no cramping or anything. So after, she thinks we should still look for a heartbeat, since she feels that it could have been the second sac finally expelling, or a hematoma. She did find a strong heartbeat. Such a horrible rollercoaster of emotions. I am still bleeding, but no cramps or clots. And it slowed down a lot after the initial gush. I do have an ultrasound tomorrow. I just need whatever positive thoughts and prayers you ladies can dig up!
It was exactly this hour a year ago that I started bleeding and left for the ER where they were awful to me. They said, and I quote, "we aren't going to go through the trouble of calling in an ultrasound tech at night, if you're going to miscarry you're going to miscarry and nothing will stop it." Obviously, jerks, but I would like to know one way or the other before I go home. In my heart I just knew— and I was right.
@kalawa thank goodness you were with your midwife when that happened and you had someone with you to help you through what must have been terrifying. Lots of
@chasingroygbiv, I feel like medical staff need to go through mandatory sensitivity training. If they can't have normal human empathy, then maybe we can at least train them to fake it. It was absolutely vulgar and unnessicary for someone to say that to you while you were going through that.
@kalawa, I'm so sorry that happened but thankful you were in the best place you possibly could have been. Glad you saw a strong heartbeat!!
@chasingroygbiv, medical professionals can be the absolute best or the absolute worst. *TW* I almost punched the doctor who called my baby a "spontaneous abortion". I know that's what a miscarriage is sometimes referred to in the medical community. But abortion to me means choice. I had no choice in this. Stupid term. Horrible! *End TW* I'm so sorry they were so insensitive to you.
@bb3vj3n, DH and I haven't started discussing names yet. I think we are both scared to bring it up. And honestly there's so much time to come up with names that I'd rather wait and give us some time to emotionally prepare. Our last loss was at 15 weeks, so we might not start talking names until our 20 week anatomy scan.
@bb3vj3n we didnt name our son until he was born and was going to be named Viggo until he was born and we saw his red hair and went with Mars... This time around my husband mentioned if this is a boy we'd go with Viggo, but I don't know how I feel about that now that we losr our Mars, I sort of want to start from scratch... although I do love the name... I'm conflicted as well. @kalawa I am glad you saw a strong heartbeat! n my last pregnancy, I had a subchorionic hemmorage which was essentially 2 huge bleeds at 11 and 13 weeks- so much blood it splattered on the floor in a puddle- and flowed for days after...I didnt think it was possible to sustain a healthy pregnancy after losing so much blood, but it was....its very scary, but please keep the faith, take it easy, drink a ton of water...
Mama to: Zane William 9/17/03 Vance Xenophon 5/17/06 Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17 Nova Marsela 3/14/18
@kalawa I hope you have a great ultrasound today. So glad that you got to hear a strong heartbeat yesterday.
@bb3vj3n, we didn't use any of the names we considered with our earlier losses for our son. I just felt like those names would never really "belong" to him, as crazy as that sounds. But I have known friends who lost children and used their name as a middle name/etc when they had another child. I think it just depends on if the thought of using that name makes you feel joy or sadness.
@Cowboycorgi@justkeeptrying It was awful and just added to the sadness of that day. I think if you cannot show a patient in such circumstances some sympathy, you're in the wrong department and maybe even profession. Go work at the DMV.
Just got home from our first ultrasound. Heartbeat nice and strong at 155 and an adorable little bean in there. I am a little nervous because the ultrasound dated me 5 days behind LMP dates. However, I know I normally have a long cycle and OB didn't seem concerned. She kept my due date as it was. But PGAL brain has me sort of spun up about it.
@mintea, yay!!!! Try not to stress about the measurement. My DS also measured 5 days behind. By 20 weeks he measured 11 days ahead. He came 1 week after his due date. Just focus on the strong heartbeat!
@mintea FWIW, when I ovulate on my own, it would generally put me at about four to five days behind LMP. If you typically have a longer cycle, it's probably because you ovulate later in your cycle. I'm sure that there are a few outliers but generally, the LP (after ovulation) is going to be limited to a maximum number of days so if you're cycle's longer, it's coming in the pre-ovulation phase.
@kalawa I'm so glad that happened when you were able to immediately have someone tell you what the deal was and that they were everything you would hope for in people and especially medical staff when that happened. Tender mercies, y'know?
@chasingroygbiv Why don't they...idk, just have someone on shift who is at least trained enough in ultrasounds to do that? I mean, sure, if you want someone who can verify how a cervix is looking via ultrasound, get someone who has all the training but what an embryo is measuring at and if there is cardiac activity doesn't seem that complicated. Even if they couldn't do that, how hard would it be to sit down, and tell you respectfully, "I'm so sorry. We can't get anyone out tonight who is qualified to do the ultrasound and we don't want to send you home with misinformation. Unfortunately, there's nothing we could do at this point if you are miscarrying. Hang in there until tomorrow." Orrr... tell you when you walk in and save you the ER charge. For my friend, it was about $3,000 to go to the ER, get an inconclusive US, and get a Rhogam shot as an "it can't hurt" thing. Hugs to you. It's trippy AF to have the timing line up so much with our last March babies.
@bb3vjn I would just let this one simmer a bit. Wait until you're both feeling pretty secure in this pregnancy and then see where the name conversations take you. Eventually you could say, "I know we had talked about not using (the other names) but I keep coming back to them in my mind. What do you think?" For all you know, he could be feeling the same way and would be relieved you brought it up. For me, it would kind of depend on how 'set' a name was. If we had known it was a specific sex and had had it down to two names that we had been trying out, I might shy away from those names. But, since we weren't at that place, I don't have any plans to change the lists I had been keeping.
@justkeeptrying I really wish that the medical community would change terminology. I mean, people with RPL are technically "habitual aborters". Which is obviously hurtful in reference to desperately wanted babies but it's also a pretty terrible sounding label to put on someone if someone who doesn't know terminology were to see that. To actually say that to a patient? What goes through a person's mind?
I'm sorry you guys have had such terrible experiences with medical staff during your time of need. Hopefully if they weren't just temp staff (like ER staff), you've since moved on to other practices with a lot more compassion. And, go ahead and write a letter. It doesn't matter how much later it is. If that is still weighing heavily on you, it's okay to write a letter and say, "You may have addressed this already. I wasn't in a place where I was up to writing a complaint before but I do want to save the next person from the experience I had." It's cathartic.
Today marks a year since I went to the doctor expecting to see a heartbeat and walk out with a cute little picture and an information packet. Tomorrow is my nephew's first birthday. What a long, strange, difficult year it's been.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
@kiki75 Exactly! How difficult would it be to see that one person knows how to run an ultrasound machine? I asked that and they said "there's not enough need." Okay, well, I can't possibly be the only person though. Or have someone on call? I mean isn't that a common practice or no? Weird. I will never go back to that ER for anything pregnancy related. Goodness knows they cant help me anyway...
@chasingroygbiv What is wrong with people? People really do suck sometimes.
@kalawa Sorry you had to go through that, but super glad that you were at the best place possible. So happy to hear that there was a strong heart beat.
@kiki75 Milestones are tough. I'm hoping it gets easier for all of us.
@mintea Focus on the good heart beat. Even though it's easy to say, but try to relax since doc isn't worried about it.
I have my second u/s with my RE tomorrow. If all goes well, I get to graduate! The anxiety definitely creeps in. Today and the day before I got my first u/s, I think of things like "Today may be the last day I'm going to be pregnant." I wish I was naive. I wish I was able to announce to everyone. I wish I can do cute things like buy baby stuff. I'm trying to focus on the NP saying that I have a 90% chance of having a take home baby.
***TW*** Me: 36 DH:35 Married: 7/10/2016 TTC#1 - May 2016 BFP 9/6/2016 - Missed MC 10/20/2016 BFP 5/5/2017 - CP IVF #1 - June 2017 - Transferred 1 fresh 4 AA embryo. 7/9 Beta #1 - 161 Adam Born on 3/18/18
@kiki75 - thinking of you today and wishing you peace.
@SP128 - good luck tomorrow! what is graduate? like out of the RE office and into a regular OB? I hear you so much on the wishing to be naïve. Oddly enough, I have had a baby since our loss (she's two now). I don't remember being this skittish with that pregnancy about telling people and planning. Which is weird because that was more proximal to the loss.
@bb3vj3n and @senora76 - when we were pregnant with the baby we lost we were going to name it Evelyn if it was a girl and didn't have a boy's name picked out. When I miscarried I told my husband I wanted to call the baby Evelyn, because though we didn't know sex it's technically a unisex name and also because it means "wished for child." When we got pregnant with our rainbow baby I got very upset when DH suggested the name Evelyn. To me it felt like it was minimizing and forgetting our lost baby. We ended up with a little girl and gave her a completely different name. This time around, however, I am feeling so pulled toward the nickname Evie if it's a girl. I would want her to have a formal name too and Eve just feels too short to me maybe. But I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to use Evelyn. I'm not sure.
Re: PGAL Check-In - 8/10
so I've been sick with a horrendous cold for three days and I definitely feel better today but it comes with feeling nervous that my illness hurt the baby. I'm 10w3s. I don't feel nauseous really but I had bad insomnia last night. But today there's no boob pain at all. So I have myself worked up into a good lather because I'm sleep deprived. So I went online and found a doppler on one of those fb sale things. The person is willing to meet me in the parking lot at work to sell it to me (so I'm not murdered). And it's only 30$.
Well I made the mistake of telling my sister and she goes you're going to make yourself crazy. Comments like that make me nuts because I truly thing until you've had a pregnancy loss you don't understand. You don't understand the fear of carrying a baby that has already died. I carried my baby for 4 weeks not knowing it had died. I'm traumatized. And people call me crazy and paranoid. Could the doppler make me nuts? Yes. But could it help my horrible anxiety? Yes. I'm sitting at work shaking with anxiety and now anger and hurt because it's so true that no one truly understands pregnancy loss and the horrible fear you live with every day. That all our planning could be over in an instant.
im sorry to explode I'm just struggling today.
My doctor offers lessions on how to use dopplers, maybe you should ask yours if they offer help until you get comfortable finding baby? If not, there are plenty of YouTube videos to help you figure out how to locate baby, and what all the sounds are.
I also think you are going in with the right mind frame. Yes, the doppler might make it worse, keep an eye out for increasing anxiety and know that it is very difficult to locate that tiny heartbeat so early. Be patient, and know when you are causing yourself more harm than good. Don't expect much until after 12 weeks.
I really really really hope that the doppler helps you. Sometimes we just need a break from the constant worry
I know it's hard... especially when you've had a MMC (I had one also) but the only thing you can for sure do for yourself right now is to relax and try to keep yourself calm and at peace...
hope you feel better soon xo
I'm so sorry you're struggling. Lots of creepy internet hugs to you.
I'm also having a really tough time. A year ago tomorrow I started bleeding and found out we lost our baby. I'm starting to have flashbacks. Last night as I walked down the hallway the smell just reminded me of those days. I'm crampy for whatever reason and it's making me truly feel insane and panicky.
9w5d
Any appointments coming up?
I see my OB tomorrow... just a follow up for my blood test and ultrasound this weekend. Very unlikely I'll get to hear/see the baby again so soon.
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)
I'm okay.... I WAS doing excellent on Saturday after hearing the HB and seeing my little baby on the US measuring right on track. Today however, I'm having lower back pain and some cramping - this has me upset again as I haven't had these symptoms before today. We are nearing our final loss milestone in a few days and I can't wait to be past it AND have another good ultrasound. Once i have both those things - I think I'll be able to rest a little easier.
GTKY: What is your favorite season and why?
I love the fall. I love th the colours. I love the smell of the crisp air. I love the hats! I work in fashion and it is by far the best season for our industry. I can't wait to order a hot chocolate on a cool day wearing a cozy sweater and people watch on a busy street. Its a fav moment of mine every year and I look forward to it.
How far along are you?
10w 3d
Any appointments coming up?
Tomorrow. And I have had the worst anxiety about it, which isn't normal for me.
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)
I guess I answered this already at the top.
GTKY: What is your favorite season and why?
Fall, cool, crisp air. Pumpkin everything, yummy smells, and Thanksgiving!
You are absolutely welcome here. No need to doubt yourself. A loss is a loss and we can all understand and help support you. Sending you warm wishes!
Remember to take things one day, one minute, one second at a time. Today, we are pregnant.
No one understands what we've each been through. So we must cope in whatever way we need. If that means dopplers, or no dopplers. Extra blood work, or no blood work. Taking medication, or avoiding everything under the sun.
We do what we need to do to cope until we feel at peace.
Today we are pregnant!
I understand those mixed feelings of grieving for your baby, and feeling guilty that your are grateful you are still pregnant. I even went through a short period that I was angry that I was still pregnant. I felt like I could grieve properly. All feelings are possible and valid.
Its been 2 weeks now since I found out I lost one of my twins, and although I am still deeply saddened by the loss of my baby I have also started thinking about names for my other baby. That was a huge step for me.
I dont know if we will ever be able to celebrate or enjoy our pregnancy, and I know I will have times where I think 'what if', but hopefully there will be joy in the end for all of us.
*hugs, mama. You have found a group of friends here.
I have bad bad days too. I used the doppler today and found the heartbeat. It brought peace to my thoughts today but I also know if I don't find it tomorrow it doesn't mean anything. I hope you can find some peace tonight. ❤️
BFP #2 7/11/17 | EDD 3/24/18
BFP #1 5/2/17 | EDD 1/12/18 | MC 5/18/17
10w 2d
Any appointments coming up?
I am waiting for DH to come home with the car as I spotted brown this morning so I am off to the ER (I am away from home this week!)
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)
I was trying to talk myself off the ledge about the fact that I have had NO real symptoms for about a week after having some slight nausea, exhaustion and sore boobs. Now I had some brown after going to the bathroom and I am back to feeling like I have no hope. So nervous and worry that nothing is cooking in there. We shall see in a bit...
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
Any appointments coming up? 8/21 ultrasound, 8/29 first official OB/GYN appt
How are you doing? (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)
This pregnancy has helped me with my grief process. Up until now I had been mourning the loss of my 3 1/2 month old, as well as mourning the loss of being a parent with my new husband. We both are very happy about the pregnancy, but each visit (we've had just one ultrasound so far) we are reminded of our son Mars. He was born last November, so it feels like we JUST went through this.
GTKY: What is your favorite season and why? Fall is my favorite season... I like the cooling weather... but I know November will be a very hard month for us, as that is when we welcomed our son last year.
Zane William 9/17/03
Vance Xenophon 5/17/06
Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17
Nova Marsela 3/14/18
I am also 40, approaching 41 and so early, we are waiting a long time before we let the cat out of the bag...I'm okay with that because I know I have my passenger with me and thats all that matters for now... In fact, I don't even think I will want a shower this time...I think I'm not going to feel comfortable until this baby is 6 mos old - maybe we will do a very very delayed "sip and see" long after we have this baby.... sure I want to celebrate this little person, I just am still so wounded.
Zane William 9/17/03
Vance Xenophon 5/17/06
Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17
Nova Marsela 3/14/18
After talking with my DH, we decided that heading to the ER wasn't the right move. This isn't an emergency, although I sometimes may feel that way!
We are going to see what happens and try to wait it out till my appt next Thursday (it is the 12 week scan at 11.5 weeks). I know I can't control any of this. I had a m/c at around 7 weeks a few years back. This pregnancy is just so different than my first when I had my DS. I know that anything can happen but that doesn't mean that the worst is happening. This was a complete surprise for us and I guess I just need to be grateful for the time I have been able to say..."I'm pregnant!"
@senora76 I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
Zane William 9/17/03
Vance Xenophon 5/17/06
Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17
Nova Marsela 3/14/18
Just wondering, we had chosen names for our last baby - and we never got to use them. We decided together it would be too painful to use them this time and have been trying to think of others. We have some in mind.... but I still love the names we chose last time and I'm second guessing myself...I just don't want to upset DH by bringing it up. He has been so happy since we saw the baby on the weekend and I don't want to break his high... what do you all think? Should I wait a while before I bring it up? I mean... realistically we have 30 weeks to go before we really have to decide anything. I'm thinking I should wait until the fear of loss is a little more firmly behind us...
I have had QUITE the day today. I get to my MW appt and we do all the history, etc. and are just going to try for a heartbeat on the doppler...when I start TW gushing blood. Everywhere. She brings me to a private bathroom to change into pants another midwife has found me, and gives me a pad. I had no cramping or anything. So after, she thinks we should still look for a heartbeat, since she feels that it could have been the second sac finally expelling, or a hematoma. She did find a strong heartbeat. Such a horrible rollercoaster of emotions. I am still bleeding, but no cramps or clots. And it slowed down a lot after the initial gush. I do have an ultrasound tomorrow. I just need whatever positive thoughts and prayers you ladies can dig up!
Hugs all around. So many difficult days.
It was absolutely vulgar and unnessicary for someone to say that to you while you were going through that.
@chasingroygbiv, medical professionals can be the absolute best or the absolute worst. *TW* I almost punched the doctor who called my baby a "spontaneous abortion". I know that's what a miscarriage is sometimes referred to in the medical community. But abortion to me means choice. I had no choice in this. Stupid term. Horrible! *End TW* I'm so sorry they were so insensitive to you.
@bb3vj3n, DH and I haven't started discussing names yet. I think we are both scared to bring it up. And honestly there's so much time to come up with names that I'd rather wait and give us some time to emotionally prepare. Our last loss was at 15 weeks, so we might not start talking names until our 20 week anatomy scan.
@kalawa I am glad you saw a strong heartbeat! n my last pregnancy, I had a subchorionic hemmorage which was essentially 2 huge bleeds at 11 and 13 weeks- so much blood it splattered on the floor in a puddle- and flowed for days after...I didnt think it was possible to sustain a healthy pregnancy after losing so much blood, but it was....its very scary, but please keep the faith, take it easy, drink a ton of water...
Zane William 9/17/03
Vance Xenophon 5/17/06
Mars Florencio 11/15/16 - 3/6/17
Nova Marsela 3/14/18
@kalawa I hope you have a great ultrasound today. So glad that you got to hear a strong heartbeat yesterday.
@bb3vj3n, we didn't use any of the names we considered with our earlier losses for our son. I just felt like those names would never really "belong" to him, as crazy as that sounds. But I have known friends who lost children and used their name as a middle name/etc when they had another child. I think it just depends on if the thought of using that name makes you feel joy or sadness.
DD #1: 2012; MMC: 2014; DD #2: 2015; It's a boy! 3/31/2018
@kalawa I'm so glad that happened when you were able to immediately have someone tell you what the deal was and that they were everything you would hope for in people and especially medical staff when that happened. Tender mercies, y'know?
@chasingroygbiv Why don't they...idk, just have someone on shift who is at least trained enough in ultrasounds to do that? I mean, sure, if you want someone who can verify how a cervix is looking via ultrasound, get someone who has all the training but what an embryo is measuring at and if there is cardiac activity doesn't seem that complicated. Even if they couldn't do that, how hard would it be to sit down, and tell you respectfully, "I'm so sorry. We can't get anyone out tonight who is qualified to do the ultrasound and we don't want to send you home with misinformation. Unfortunately, there's nothing we could do at this point if you are miscarrying. Hang in there until tomorrow." Orrr... tell you when you walk in and save you the ER charge. For my friend, it was about $3,000 to go to the ER, get an inconclusive US, and get a Rhogam shot as an "it can't hurt" thing. Hugs to you. It's trippy AF to have the timing line up so much with our last March babies.
@bb3vjn I would just let this one simmer a bit. Wait until you're both feeling pretty secure in this pregnancy and then see where the name conversations take you. Eventually you could say, "I know we had talked about not using (the other names) but I keep coming back to them in my mind. What do you think?" For all you know, he could be feeling the same way and would be relieved you brought it up. For me, it would kind of depend on how 'set' a name was. If we had known it was a specific sex and had had it down to two names that we had been trying out, I might shy away from those names. But, since we weren't at that place, I don't have any plans to change the lists I had been keeping.
@justkeeptrying I really wish that the medical community would change terminology. I mean, people with RPL are technically "habitual aborters". Which is obviously hurtful in reference to desperately wanted babies but it's also a pretty terrible sounding label to put on someone if someone who doesn't know terminology were to see that. To actually say that to a patient? What goes through a person's mind?
I'm sorry you guys have had such terrible experiences with medical staff during your time of need. Hopefully if they weren't just temp staff (like ER staff), you've since moved on to other practices with a lot more compassion. And, go ahead and write a letter. It doesn't matter how much later it is. If that is still weighing heavily on you, it's okay to write a letter and say, "You may have addressed this already. I wasn't in a place where I was up to writing a complaint before but I do want to save the next person from the experience I had." It's cathartic.
Today marks a year since I went to the doctor expecting to see a heartbeat and walk out with a cute little picture and an information packet. Tomorrow is my nephew's first birthday. What a long, strange, difficult year it's been.
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
Dx: PCOS
Married: June 2013
TTC#1: January 2015
BFP #1 8/24/15 | MC 9/3/15 at 6w2d
BFP #2: 12/12/15 | DD born 8/29/16
TTC#2: June 2017
BFP #3: 7/15/17 | DS born 3/20/18
Hugs to you today. Such a difficult time.
@kalawa Sorry you had to go through that, but super glad that you were at the best place possible. So happy to hear that there was a strong heart beat.
@kiki75 Milestones are tough. I'm hoping it gets easier for all of us.
@mintea Focus on the good heart beat. Even though it's easy to say, but try to relax since doc isn't worried about it.
I have my second u/s with my RE tomorrow. If all goes well, I get to graduate! The anxiety definitely creeps in. Today and the day before I got my first u/s, I think of things like "Today may be the last day I'm going to be pregnant." I wish I was naive. I wish I was able to announce to everyone. I wish I can do cute things like buy baby stuff. I'm trying to focus on the NP saying that I have a 90% chance of having a take home baby.
Me: 36 DH:35
Married: 7/10/2016
TTC#1 - May 2016
BFP 9/6/2016 - Missed MC 10/20/2016
BFP 5/5/2017 - CP
IVF #1 - June 2017 - Transferred 1 fresh 4 AA embryo. 7/9 Beta #1 - 161
@SP128 - good luck tomorrow! what is graduate? like out of the RE office and into a regular OB? I hear you so much on the wishing to be naïve. Oddly enough, I have had a baby since our loss (she's two now). I don't remember being this skittish with that pregnancy about telling people and planning. Which is weird because that was more proximal to the loss.
@bb3vj3n and @senora76 - when we were pregnant with the baby we lost we were going to name it Evelyn if it was a girl and didn't have a boy's name picked out. When I miscarried I told my husband I wanted to call the baby Evelyn, because though we didn't know sex it's technically a unisex name and also because it means "wished for child." When we got pregnant with our rainbow baby I got very upset when DH suggested the name Evelyn. To me it felt like it was minimizing and forgetting our lost baby. We ended up with a little girl and gave her a completely different name. This time around, however, I am feeling so pulled toward the nickname Evie if it's a girl. I would want her to have a formal name too and Eve just feels too short to me maybe. But I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to use Evelyn. I'm not sure.
DD #1: 2012; MMC: 2014; DD #2: 2015; It's a boy! 3/31/2018
Me: 36 DH:35
Married: 7/10/2016
TTC#1 - May 2016
BFP 9/6/2016 - Missed MC 10/20/2016
BFP 5/5/2017 - CP
IVF #1 - June 2017 - Transferred 1 fresh 4 AA embryo. 7/9 Beta #1 - 161