Randoms- Week of August 7

omarismyhomeboy

Have any thoughts, questions, feelings, fears? Spill them here!

This is a good place to ask questions to a broader audience than the weekly trimester check-ins so those with experience can chime in!

Jeansis

Anyone dealing with feelings of jealousy about other people's pregnancies? This was a regular thing for me before and during IF treatment, and it has unfortunately lingered even though I am now pregnant. I am struggling with this even more right now because of a friend's pregnancy (up in the middle of the night right now because I can't stop thinking about it). She said she never wanted kids for years, and then changed her mind really recently, and got pregnant right away. It is bothering me quite a bit. I think it bothers me because I am the opposite. I have always wanted kids and it has taken me years and a lot of work to get pregnant. I guess that's where the jealousy is coming from. I feel so guilty about it, though! I feel like being pregnant should make me grateful and I should not have these feelings at all, but I still feel pangs of jealousy when friends/family/acquaintances tell me they are pregnant and especially when I learn that it was a short process/easy for them. Anyone find a good strategy for dealing with these kinds of emotions? I have been trying to focus on gratitude more to overcome it, but I am still very bothered by it. 

Polythene Pam

@Jeansis I had that yesterday actually a friend said she'd never want kids close together, that's nuts, why do that. Clearly changed her mind as she announced her second pregnancy yesterday. Felt that pang of "that must be nice to not struggle!"

Honestly though I remember everyone's got SOMETHING. I got pregnant easily with my first but had just lost my mom and like to think my mom gave me my daughter. A friend has kids like bunnies but is dealing with a brother with severe depression. We all have our good and bad, so I try to be grateful for all the good. Pregnancy emotions really kick things up a notch though too

JWatt5

I just had this happen with my own sister - she got pregnant with one month of trying and when she told be I literally said "how do you just do that?"  So confusing having your own blood have no problems at all - I think I told the 3rd tri girls then I said "well maybe after surgery, I'll get pregnant on my own too." (If we decide to go for a second) Much different perspective.

On the flip side - my best friend just got her first appointment date at the same fertility clinic and my heart is just aching for her. All I can do is be there for her but her first appointment date is currently my inducement date - I feel like I'm slapping my best friend in the face even though I know she doesn't feel that way. But we all know how hard these emotions are. 
Its OK to be jealous. It's OK to be confused. I needed a good cry, a big vent session with DH and still...I'm jealous of my sister so I think I'll also just need some time I'm sure a baby in my arms will help any day now too hehe 

omarismyhomeboy

I absolutely have residual negative/difficult feelings about 'normal' fertility and pregnancies. When my friends talk about trying for their second, I get a flash of jealousy about how normal and easy more babies will be for them when for me its going to be quite another thing. 

But mostly I hate a lot of TV pregnancy storylines and commercials! Those ClearBlue commercials they constantly run on Hulu- I have to mute them every time even though I'm lucky to be 36 weeks along. Getting pregnant wasn't like that for me and I'll always feel differently about it. I just try to accept I will have this bit of baggage and that it's no one fault. Everyone's got something I suppose.....

Jeansis

@PolythenePam Yes, I am trying to remember that there is always something that people struggle with. I have another friend who got pregnant like a month or two after her wedding, but she also lost her father at a young age and I can't imagine what that must have been like for her.  I don't know about any problems like that in this other friend's life. As far as I can tell she has an awesome job, a great house, lots of friends, and enough money to travel internationally for a few weeks each year, so I have always been a little jealous of her. This is just icing on the cake and although I acted really happy when she told me, inside I was just like, "wtf is happening right now?!" 

@JWatt5 Omg, yes. My sister has no trouble in the fertility department either and I have really struggled with that as well. We're close in age and I have always compared myself to her (as siblings do) and she has always been thinner, better in school, and more popular than me, so her being able to get pregnant easily while I have struggled has not been helpful for my self-esteem either. I have never gotten the sense that she gets how hard it has been for me either, and that kind of hurts. We are somewhat estranged at this point, so I don't have to confront those feelings very often, but when I am around her it is tough! I am really looking forward to having my own baby and hoping this stuff will fade with time. 

@omarismyhomeboy  Right there with you on the pregnancy test commercials! Before getting pregnant, I was to the point where I wanted to hurl things at the TV when those came on and they still make me super angry. I also dislike the way fertility is represented in certain TV shows. I feel like IF is completely misrepresented or ignored in many cases. Would be nice to see more programs include characters who are struggling with IF and that provide a realistic image of what that is like. Might help to enlighten some people as well! 

nellin-2

My SIL thinks I "cheated" because my labour was short add has been jokingly complaining to everyone. This is coming from someone who got pregnant straight away and didn't even understand how conception works (when I was explaining how IVF works she was surprised to learn the body normally releases one egg a month). She also had a pregnancy free of any complications while I was at the hospital every well for fetal heart arrhythmia and a bunch of other issues.  
Yes I did have an easy labour but I would have happily exchanged a long labour for years of infertility and surgeries and a stressful pregnancy (all of which she knows about but doesn't seem to understand). 
And no she doesn't have any obvious problems in her life and my PIL have bought them a house and are paying to do it up because they have made poor financial decisions like quitting jobs because they are boring before looking for a new job and living off savings. Also just generally living beyond their means buying fancy food and clothes etc 
I would rather not need a handout but I'm pretty sure I'm not the one cheating here!
Wow I sound bitter! But it feels good to vent because I can't do or irl except to my partner!

kaseycoco

I must say it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! I thought all my negative feelings about other people's pregnancies would disappear once I finally got pregnant, but I'm finding it hard to let go. My BIL &SIL started trying a few months after us and got preg on their second month of trying. Now they have a 1 year old and we are (thankfully) finally pregnant and they're talking about their second. Not that I spite them for wanting a second, but just the idea that they will reach a day when they want to try and it will likely happen so easily for them makes me so spiteful. I'd never wish IF on anyone, but it's so hard to let those feelings go!

Jeansis

@nellin-2 I know what you mean about it feeling good to vent about this stuff! I feel like these are things I can't say irl because people just won't get it unless they have been through it, and I don't have any friends or family members who have been through IF.  Your SIL saying those things clearly indicates that she has no idea what you have been through! How frustrating! I think it is the same for my friend. She started tearing up when she told me she was pregnant as if it was this long drawn out process for her, and I'm thinking, um, you have only been trying for a couple of months right? She does not understand what I been through, and probably never will, so I am trying to accept that that is just going to be a part of our friendship where we don't see eye to eye. 

@kaseycoco I thought that would happen too! But I still get that familiar jealous reaction and then all my insecurities come to the forefront again! IF damaged my self-esteem so much over the years, and I am just now slowly starting to regain some of it. My friend's little announcement forced me to remember how hard it was for me and then I got jealous because it was so damn easy for her! I have been feeling off ever since she told me, but having the ability to vent on this forum has helped. Also, focusing more on my baby. Little guy has been kicking up a storm in there! I wonder if he senses my frustration.