Trouble TTC a Sibling

How did you know you were ready to TTC #2?

I am trying to find the right place to get some thoughts on our situation.  We have a spirited 17 mo old, we both work full time, no family in town to help, I am almost 41, husband not sure if he wants #2, and we required IVF to conceive at age 38, so IVF will likely required. Do we try for #2? 

It's coming down to the wire to when we need to determine if we will try for #2.  I have always imagined having multiple children. I want our son to have a sibling, so he has a childhood buddy and that person he grows up with.  And of course, when we are gone someday, i want him to have a sibling in his life.   

We had our son through IVF when i was 39 (conceived when i was 38).  So I likely will need to use a frozen embryo (luckily we have 2 frozen).  I can and will prepare emotionally and physically for the process again and having a child at an advanced age.  I am prepared to handle that.  

Here are my fears:  1. how do we take care of 2 children!?  I feel like with our son and working full time, i am at my wits end trying to get everything accomplished for him and our family.  2. i am almost 41.  i am getting older!  my body takes longer to recover from child birth,  i have back pain and always feeling tired from working and chasing a toddler.  3. my husband would be happy with our son being an only child.  My husband is an only child himself.  he would be happy with our current family.  So this could be the biggest hurdle of all, getting him on board to try for #2.  

By the end of 2017, I want to be trying to conceive or decide we are not going to try.  If we decide we are not going to try, i think i will be devastated, and i am worried I will resent my husband for not trying.   I think that deep in my heart, the only way i will HAVE to come to terms with not having a second baby is if it's impossible for us to conceive.  

My emotions are starting to become wild about this, and i'm unsure on what to do and how to handle it all.  I'm unsure if this is the correct place to post this.  Please help!!   
Married 4-27-13
TTC for 1.5 yrs
40 yrs old; DH is 36
April 2014 MC at 8 wks 
Jan 2015 Clomid, BFN 
Feb 2015 Clomid, Ovidril, 1st IUI, BFN 
Mar 2015 Clomid, Ovidril, 2nd IUI, BFN 
May 2015 1st IVF, 19 follicles, 18 eggs retrieved on May 20, 13 fertilized, transferred 1 Blastocyst on May 25=BFP!; froze 2 Blastocysts
Full term healthy baby boy born on 2-11-16

Re: How did you know you were ready to TTC #2?

  • *Lurker*

    It sounds like YOU know that YOU are ready to TTC #2. Rather than "when do you know if you are ready" your question sounds more like "how do I determine if/when my SO is/will be ready". That's really a discussion that needs to be had with YH. Maybe you could ask him what is keeping him from feeling gung-ho about TTC#2. Is it the cost? The struggle? The idea of watching you struggle with a pregnancy and/or recovery? The idea of raising children well into his 50s or 60s? Maybe he has plans for what he wants to do in retirement, and paying for college perhaps doesn't fall in line with that? Those are all thoughts that you need to hear from him.

    Once you know what's holding him back, you can discuss what you two can do together to overcome those obstacles.

    I do also think that it may be helpful for you to realize that your fantasy of siblings is just a fantasy. Many siblings aren't childhood buddies, some of them don't even like each other at all! There is no saying that your children will grow up to lean on each other and use each other as support. It's a nice idea, but it's not reality until it's reality.

    Something you could also consider is going to some sort of counselor together. That can be very useful in having a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings, and sometimes having a neutral third party can assist you in understanding what it is that you're going through internally. This definitely sounds like it can be a very stressful situation for both of you, and I can see where it may leave you (or him!) feeling resentful or unhappy long term, so it's good that you are willing to talk it out and work through your emotions.

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