2nd(+) Time Moms... Involving 1st (+) Child at This Point?

PKFMommie

Just wondering... moms with other children... how are you involving the first (+) child(ren) in the pregnancy at this point (ie. while huge, tired, and not fun).  It's about 103 everyday here, I am still working full time, and I'm so tired I feel like I'm neglecting my #1 a bit.  I'm trying, but not as involved as usual.  I'm just so tired but it kills me that my #1 has had some behavior changes and I'm concerned they are related to me taking a bit of a back seat and letting DH and Grandma do more (which they are great at BTW).  Maybe it's just mid-summer boredom... but I can't help but feel like he's got the blues, even if he won't say it.

Then again maybe it's my pregnancy hormones and our general culture of mommy-guilt talking, who knows? 

But anyhow... how are you explaining this to your #1 (+)'s? What ways are you helping your relationship with the first child(ren) evolve so that it's less about mommy having less time and energy, and more about excitement for the baby?

TYIA!!!

ColoradoHiker

How old is your DS?  Mine is 20m, so what I'm doing may be vastly different from what you would do with an older child.

I'm 32w, it's hot and I definitely don't have as much energy to chase DS anymore.  I try to do more ambitious stuff, like going to the park or the zoo, earlier in the day.  When it's hotter later, we'll do stuff that I can handle without having to chase him so much, like playing in the tiny pool or the sandbox in our yard.  We switched to one nap recently, so he's still pretty tired before dinner.   That's when I'll turn on a movie (current fave is Moana) and snuggle with him for a bit before starting dinner.

We talk a lot about how baby brother is in my belly, especially now that my stomach is so big.  We read books about becoming a big brother, and we're having him "help" with setting up the nursery.  He has a baby doll that he holds, and can feed a bottle, etc.  I tell him how much we appreciate his help, that he'll be an awesome big brother, etc.  As i said, if your DS is older, this may be a but too young for him.  But it's really about getting him involved and letting him know that you may be busier with a new baby, but that you still love him just as much.  This also means making time to spend with just DS1 after the baby is born, whether it's with just you, your dh  or both of you can swing it.

sarahufl

DD is only 16 months old, so she doesn't understand much. She does like rubbing and kissing my belly. I tell her it's a baby in there, but I doubt she gets it and certainly doesn't understand any sort of longterm implications of it. She is pretty easygoing in general and we have managed to keep up our activity level. I do worry about what happens when this baby is born- DD and I have a great little relationship and I am already afraid of disrupting it.

coastalmomma2

I work about 30 hours a week and have an almost three year old year son, so I understand the exhaustion and the occasional mama guilt trip. We have talked and read books extensively about what being a big brother will mean and how he should expect baby to act in the first few months. In August we are also taking him to a sibling class our hospital offers where the big brother/sisters get their own baby doll to take care of, they create a gift for baby, and they go on a tour of the maternity wing. So far, he seems excited about the prospect of becoming a big brother, but we'll see come December.

As far as activities with DS right now...we haven't really changed up our routine due to any symptoms I have. We still go to the library, park, or beach most afternoons. The only thing that is slightly different is his bedtime routine; it has gotten uncomfortable for me to cuddle on his twin bed with him before bedtime, so now DH snuggles with him and I sit on the rocker. He hasn't given too much push back about that. 

We're also planning special activities for DS and DH to do together while I'm recuperating in the first few weeks; ie, beginning a t-ball class. I'm sure I'll feel left out, but I may be too tired to care at that point. 

Edit: autocorrect. What's a t-shirt class?

wannabeamongoose

My DS is 21 months. We've been talking a lot about his baby. He likes to cuddle with baby, kiss baby, and talk to baby. We're practicing being gentle with baby (he likes to body slam my belly...). We look at the sonogram photos a lot, and some of them kind of look like a human being, so I think that helps him recognize that we're talking about an actual person. Whenever we see a baby in public (he loves babies always points them out to me) I talk to him about how "is that what your baby is going to look like?" etc. I remind him that he's a good big brother, that baby loves him and so does mommy. We're already working on sharing with baby - when we're eating snack he'll tell me baby is hungry and he'll try to feed my belly or when we're playing he'll tell me baby wants to play and then shove his toy into my belly (he'll obviously change his tune when he's being asked to share with another kid instead of mom, but I feel like he's at least understanding that the baby in mommy is like any other baby he sees in the world).

I'm really dedicated to starting routines now that we can try to continue after baby is born. For example, typically I've been the one to do bedtime routine, but we are working on switching off frequently so that he gets more used to daddy doing bedtime. That way, if baby needs to be fed during bedtime, daddy can do bedtime and it won't feel so much like he's being abandoned for baby (although I recognize there will still be jealousy).

I like @CoastalMomma suggestion of planning daddy and me activities for the first few weeks. I think I'll adopt that one. I think some mommy and me activities are also in order since so much of mommy's time will be taken up nursing a growing baby.

I keep meaning to buy a book. Any suggestions?

Also, what's everyone planning in terms of introducing/adjusting to baby? When, where, how etc. We have been advised to bring DS to the hospital so he meets baby in a neutral space, but we are birthing in a birthing center where we'll be discharged 4-5 hours after birth so it may not be possible. I've also heard the opposite - that they should meet baby on their own turf and under their own terms.

edited to change tag

lilpoots

We have bought books about being a big brother and being helpful. We talk about how the baby won't know how to do anything, so he will need his big brother to teach him all the things he knows. I have purchased some toys that will be a gift from the baby when he gets here. Our goal is to make it a positive experience, but also have new things to keep him busy. He doesn't understand that a baby is in my belly, but it will be obvious when he gets here.

ColoradoHiker

We're planning on introducing at the hospital.  One of my friends had a small present for her DS1 from DS2, and I believe vice versa as well.

tiki8286

Im 32 weeks on Thursday and work full time from home. The kids (5.5 & 3.5 yr old) have basically free reign on the upstairs play room. I have kind of given up on any kind of schedule other than the TV is OFF after 9-10am. So I could let them just watch tv to have a neater house but I love hearing them use their imaginations that I let them run feral and utilize bribery to get them to clean up every other day (clean play room and we will go to the pool/get ice cream/etc). 

The mommy guilt is real - I feel it often as I have to get work done and be on calls sometimes. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Just think: do YOU remember anything from when you were 2, 3, 4 or 5 years old? Probably not. You probably remember trips or significant things like birthday parties. That keeps me sane - they won't remember and aren't being neglected, just not being played with 24/7. 

Mine are very aware of the impending arrival of their new sibling, so we let them help in decisions such as which blanket to buy/baby supplies, helping with building the crib, things like that. My daughter loves slathering my belly with lotion as she pretends I'm at the doctor or spa. 

coastalmomma2

@wannabeamongoose, We checked out a book called Theo's Mood from the library. It deals with the conflicting feelings kids may have when adjusting to becoming older siblings. Another one we are reading right now is more about pregnancy, The Wild Wild Inside. It's a bit silly but a good way to start conversations about Baby. 

mc123mc

I am struggling with this big time. My daughter is just about 15 months and will be 16.5 months when baby brother arrives. She does not get it. We talk about my big belly and how I have a baby in my belly that will be coming out soon (how weird is that for a 1 year old to figure out!!) And we gave her a doll that has a bottle and blanket and diaper so we have been playing with that.

I feel like with my dd being so young, she is going to have some challenges sharing mommy and daddy but we will get there. We changed her room pretty quickly and that went OK so I feel like after a few weeks, she will be fine with the baby.

As for me, I am dying. I feel huge. I can't get up and down from the ground quickly. I am TIRED. but I also know I am going to be WAY more tired after my son is born. So I am finding the things I can do with my daughter for quality time. Lately it's been lots of reading and art. I can sit and spend time with her that way. Dad gets to do all the chasing and running around!

Man I am going to miss just having my one little sweet girl! I know I will love my little boy but I am sad to be changing the great relationship that me and my husband have with our little girl!!

All the best mommas as you add another one to your clan!!  

msashley2010-2

I'm really excited that DD is going to be a big sister. But being that there is an age gap I think it is going to be a bit of a different experience. DD is turning 9 this year and she is so excited about her little brother. I can tell sometimes she feels a little sad when I'm not as playful or as energetic. I've been trying to find other things for us to do throughout the pregnancy when I am too tired like having movie nights or playing games and what not. 

jessieR358

mc123mc said:

I am struggling with this big time. My daughter is just about 15 months and will be 16.5 months when baby brother arrives. She does not get it. We talk about my big belly and how I have a baby in my belly that will be coming out soon (how weird is that for a 1 year old to figure out!!) And we gave her a doll that has a bottle and blanket and diaper so we have been playing with that.

I feel like with my dd being so young, she is going to have some challenges sharing mommy and daddy but we will get there. We changed her room pretty quickly and that went OK so I feel like after a few weeks, she will be fine with the baby.

As for me, I am dying. I feel huge. I can't get up and down from the ground quickly. I am TIRED. but I also know I am going to be WAY more tired after my son is born. So I am finding the things I can do with my daughter for quality time. Lately it's been lots of reading and art. I can sit and spend time with her that way. Dad gets to do all the chasing and running around!

Man I am going to miss just having my one little sweet girl! I know I will love my little boy but I am sad to be changing the great relationship that me and my husband have with our little girl!!

All the best mommas as you add another one to your clan!!  

I think it's going to be a different tired. I'm tired because I'm exhausted and HUGE and my back hurts and I can't bend over and blah blah. At least once I have this baby, I'll be able to get on the floor and play and bend over and not care to sit outside.  

PKFMommie

@Msashley2010-2

There is an age gap for mine as well, 7 years.  Some of the suggestions here are pretty good, but some are limited because of the ages.  As my belly has grown, DS has become more interested in the baby.  Especially since he started to be able to feel her kick.  I have seen him become really independent since I've been more tired and pre-occupied.  Reading has been the main thing we have been able to do to keep connected.  I'm hoping that once I'm on leave (I go out a bit before the due date) I can take some of that time to spend with my one and only before he's suddenly my 1 of 2!

msashley2010-2

PKFMommie said:

@Msashley2010-2

There is an age gap for mine as well, 7 years.  Some of the suggestions here are pretty good, but some are limited because of the ages.  As my belly has grown, DS has become more interested in the baby.  Especially since he started to be able to feel her kick.  I have seen him become really independent since I've been more tired and pre-occupied.  Reading has been the main thing we have been able to do to keep connected.  I'm hoping that once I'm on leave (I go out a bit before the due date) I can take some of that time to spend with my one and only before he's suddenly my 1 of 2!

That would be amazing to have that time together before the baby comes. I know he may not necessarily understand everything you are going through right now but I'm sure the time that you spend with him will help a lot. I think he is at an age where he may feel very proud to help out in little ways with the baby when the baby gets here. I'm going to start pumping after the first couple of weeks so that SO and DD can also feed the baby. SO has offered to pay DD if she changes dirty diapers for him.   

smashlie-2

My DS is 7, (will be 8 before baby no 2 is here) so there is also quite an age gap for us too. I have felt a ton of guilt myself! In fact I just talked to my husband about this the other day. My son has been a champ and he doesn't complain but I can tell he longs to spend more one on one time with mommy. I have struggled to find things to do with him that doesn't overly exert myself but as of late we have been playing games indoors, and going swimming (indoors). 

cchenal07

My DS just turned 8. It took 4 yrs of trying to get pregnant again, we never expected such a large gap. But now I am excited for it. He helps pick out baby items and give his opinion on things. He really wants to feed and rock the baby. He will talk and read to my belly. I am so excited for him. We have been trying to keep the summer as normal as possible. My husband took over most bed time duties and I can't be in the heat for long. However we've been to movies, parks, out to eat, and Dave and Busters. We do Friday family movie nights in and plan to keep that up, we let him pick dinner that night. He loves it. I also make sure we have a one on one chat about our days everynight where there is no baby talk. I worry the most about my DH and DS are the best of friends and I worry about the mix of a 2nd im that relationship. I worry that when our 2nd is older DH wont be as close with them.

toshandbabies

We watched "Boss Baby" on PPV last night and DD (23 months) thought it was hilarious!

kmac1982

I'm at the point where it's starting to hurt to pick up DS (he's two and a half), and he is NOT having it. Yesterday we had a little chat about how it hurts me to pick him up and he really struggled to deal with it- tantrums in the morning and evening, protest pee on the floor during dinner. It was not pretty. He's always been a mommas boy, and I'm having so much trouble adjusting too! I was in tears at one point, and he gets so upset ("Mommy ok?") but he still constantly wants up. Any advice??

JustBored10

My DS is turning 5 this month.  I have noticed lately that he is a little out of sorts.  Not listening and acting out is occurring more and more the further along I get.  I feel as though it started a month or so ago when we finally started the nursery and getting things for the new baby.  We include him as much as possible and I even tell him almost everyday that he is going to be an amazing big brother but his flare ups are becoming more and more of a problem.  I really thought since he was older he would understand better but I guess not. He has never expressed that he is angry the baby is coming but gets upset when something new comes into the home for the nursery/ baby.  Anyone else notice this? 

coastalmomma2

@kmac1982, my soon to be 3 year old DS is also a bit of a momma's boy. He is 40 pounds now, so it is difficult for me to pick him up at this point. Like you, I've explained to him why I can't pick him up as often or for as long. However, when that isn't sufficient for him I'll take a moment to sit down and snuggle with him instead. I remind him that while it's hard for me to pick him up now, we can show affection in other ways. It works sometimes. 

kmac1982

coastalmomma-2 said:

@kmac1982, my soon to be 3 year old DS is also a bit of a momma's boy. He is 40 pounds now, so it is difficult for me to pick him up at this point. Like you, I've explained to him why I can't pick him up as often or for as long. However, when that isn't sufficient for him I'll take a moment to sit down and snuggle with him instead. I remind him that while it's hard for me to pick him up now, we can show affection in other ways. It works sometimes. 

Thanks for the advice!! I'll keep at it, and hopefully it'll work sometimes for us too (like when we're in a rush to get out the door in the morning? Ha). I've tried to do snuggle time right when he wakes up in the morning to make up for not carrying him, but now he wants both. DH and I are working on a better way to divvy up the mornings to take the pressure off. I guess this is just a small taste of what's to come....

PKFMommie

msashley2010-2 said:

PKFMommie said:

@Msashley2010-2

There is an age gap for mine as well, 7 years.  Some of the suggestions here are pretty good, but some are limited because of the ages.  As my belly has grown, DS has become more interested in the baby.  Especially since he started to be able to feel her kick.  I have seen him become really independent since I've been more tired and pre-occupied.  Reading has been the main thing we have been able to do to keep connected.  I'm hoping that once I'm on leave (I go out a bit before the due date) I can take some of that time to spend with my one and only before he's suddenly my 1 of 2!

That would be amazing to have that time together before the baby comes. I know he may not necessarily understand everything you are going through right now but I'm sure the time that you spend with him will help a lot. I think he is at an age where he may feel very proud to help out in little ways with the baby when the baby gets here. I'm going to start pumping after the first couple of weeks so that SO and DD can also feed the baby. SO has offered to pay DD if she changes dirty diapers for him.   

SO funny you mention paying DD, lol, we have offered something similar for DS!