Doubt.

GhanimaAtreides

I introduced myself briefly at the end of last week's checkin, but...

I've had 4 losses in 2 years. 1st was an emergency hemorrhage (surgery) at 9w2d. The next two I feel fortunate were uncomplicated chemicals. Then we started RPL testing. I messed up TTA during this process and got pregnant with a healthy one... that implanted *3mm* too close to my tube (cornual ectopic) discovered at almost 8wks in January. I had two surgeries over 3 months and wasn't cleared to TTC until late May.

RPL testing didn't provide many answers. I had borderline high lupus anticoagulant which we addressed by keeping me on baby aspirin. I already knew I have the worst kind of MTHFR (homozygous C677T) and so I take methylated folate and a food-based folate prenatal. Vitamin D deficiency so I take 4,000iu. My folicle count has ranged from 7-12. My AMH at 36 is 1.3, so I started ubiquinol for CoQ10 & krill oil for omega 3. My doc's only suggestion short of IVF with PGD (NOT covered by insurance) was to try for 4 more well timed cycles and start progesterone as soon as I had a +hpt.

So now I am 4+1 / 13DPO. My RE keeps saying my betas are "low for 4 weeks", but I ovulated CD17. So my first beta of 12 at 10DPO was more like 3+2. My second beta at 12DPO was 35 (3+4 adjusted for ovulation). Doubling time roughly 30.5hrs. That's better than the normal 31-72hr window for betas <1,200! The average for 12DPO on betabase was 34! But the doc was very unenthusiastic and said we should be able to tell "which direction this is going to take" by a third draw tomorrow.

Last night I felt just so... IDK... over it. The TTC, the tests, the worrying, the back to back losses. It did NOT help that a friend with a severely disabled child could not stop talking about how her eggs must have been declining and that's why her child will always have the mental capacity of an 18 month old... she made it a point to say she was just like me. It stung. I'm just so worn out over this 2 year journey. I'm TIRED. I cannot justify spending the money on PGD & IVF, even then, my doc said my AMH gave her little confidence it would be worthwhile. So last night I told DH that I feel like this is it. If this pregnancy doesn't work out, I can't bring myself to TTC anymore. That I'll get another Paraguard and keep that method going through menopause. That I've spent far too long in limbo and if I can't have a THB, that I want to start focusing on planning for the next stage of my life. I just finally feel... ready. Kinda like how I've always had pet cats since I was 18 years old and when my last one passed a year ago, I felt ZERO desire to run out and replace her with a new kitten. None. 

Then I woke up at 3am this morning because DH opened the blinds above my head after I fell asleep and it's almost a full moon, so too bright to sleep in and I rarely can fall back asleep after something like that. So I took my daily wondfo for progression, thinking it was darker, wiped, and the tissue is covered in mauve-progesterone creamy CM. Ugh... like REALLY? The day after I swear to myself this will be my last pregnancy no matter what? I know you can't trigger a loss off thoughts alone, but damn, I feel awful about it. 

Could I still be viable, possibly. Has anyone else had the whole "this is the last pregnancy" epiphany, regardless of outcome? How did you know?

I'm a nervous wreck.

nmd9168

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I have definitely not had the experiences you have (I've had 1 MMC since I started TTC in 2015), but I can understand you feeling exhausted and just ready to quit trying. I've pretty much told myself that I will only allow myself 3 losses before giving up. My MMC affected me big time and trying to TTC a full term pregnancy for 2 years felt like a lifetime. I feel like I'm not the same person I was before then. It is your decision to continue trying. Don't let anyone else make it for you and just because a friend of yours had the unfortunate outcome of a child with intellectual disabilities, it doesn't mean you will. The uncertainty of pregnancy drives me crazy at 10 weeks, so I know that it's pointless to say that you should try not to worry, because you will, but just try to take it one day at a time. You and your DH may just need a break to think things over if it doesn't work out. and that's an IF.  I hope everything works out for you. Keep your head up. ::hugs::

ishmoney

@GhanimaAtreides I am just reading your post and I am so sorry you have been through all of this. I pray for your strength through whatever decision you and your family decides to make and for your and the LO's health. Is there an update?

silvergreen

@GhanimaAtreides I wish I could offer you advice, but I am fairly new in TTC (started earlier this year). I did have a MMC in April. I am very open about it with people I know, and you would be amazed how many people have revealed to me their own experiences. Very painful ones, second trimester, multiples, etc. It is hearing their stories and their perseverance that spurs on a sense of optimism in me. On more than one occasion I have heard/read some women enduring 5+ miscarriages before finally carrying a pregnancy to term. I have no idea if they faced the same struggles as you do, but I don't necessarily think it is impossible for you should you wish to keep trying.