Working or formerly working mamas! When to tell?

mblomq2

Hi there!

God I've been struggling with staying present at work. I just wanna daydream about this future LO! Some background, I'm a manager and am secretly planning to become a SAHM. I've been here 8 great years. I believe my job will be surprised bc that is not the norm here. I've been kinda burned out on my job for the past year but did not look elsewhere bc I knew we were planning this life change. My job has NO maternity leave or disability. I will be using 2 months of paid sick time during babytime. 

Some questions for you-
-when do you/did you tell your boss?
-when did you tell them you may not come back? (If that was your plan)
-how do you hide it until the time is right? 
-how do you focus knowing you're going to quit!? Ahh lol. 
-any additional considerations or advice?

thank you lovelies 

-M

smorzandoj

-When you want. Mine already knows and new early with my others as well bc I was super sick and I'm a teacher so not like I can run to the bathroom when I please. 
-I waited until my fmla was nearly up on the off chance plans changed with my second. I will be going back after this one though. I suck at the SAHM thing. 
-I didn't hide it. 
-meh....you need the money or the insurance or both so you just do your job. 
-legally work can't do anything bc you are pregnant so long as you are doing your job. So just do your job as you normally would and keep it moving. 

Chawk17

Well I'm a teacher so I will tell principal and HR when we go back at end of August. They have to find me a long term sub. I plan on working up to due date If possible and then returning in May.
If it is twins DH will start looking for principal job ( he has admin certification but likes teaching for now) and I will be stahm. If it's a singleton we will both keep teaching and do daycare. 

smorzandoj

Chawk17 said:

Well I'm a teacher so I will tell principal and HR when we go back at end of August. They have to find me a long term sub. I plan on working up to due dare If possible and then returning in May.
If it is twins DH will start looking for principal job ( he has admin certification but likes teaching for now) and I will be stahm. If it's a singleton we will both keep teaching and do daycare. 

Random insanity. In the district I work in I make more money as a teacher then I would as an AP so I basically have this admin cert just to say I have it bc I won't take a pay cut and work 12 months. 

Chawk17

@smorzandoj exactly that's where DH is at too. He could be admin..work 12 months, long hours- no summer, on salary- so basically for free, required to go to all school non paid events/ meetings ect.  He would make more...but I don't think it's much more. We both have masters. He's on my been teaching for 6 going into 7th year and 31 years old.hes got time. 

runsoncoffee

I was in your  exact same shoes last year! I knew I 99% was not going back to my job.  Here are my answers to your questions...
-when do you/did you tell your boss? I told around 8 weeks. I was puking in my trashcan every day and my office mate just returned from her maternity leave I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it for long. Plus I was pretty close with all my coworkers and knew they'd want to prepare how to  arrange caseloads (social work). 
-when did you tell them you may not come back? (If that was your plan) I did not tell anyone that I wasn't returning until a few weeks (three?) before my maternity leave was up. Same as you, I used sick time and I did have a couple weeks short term disability. I did not want to risk missing out on my leave time so I waited.
-how do you hide it until the time is right? I didn't... lol! 
-how do you focus knowing you're going to quit!? Also... I didn't do a very good job of this. Sad to say, my last few months of work were not my best as far as the quality of my work goes. I did finish everything I needed to do before leaving but my head was in the clouds!
-any additional considerations or advice? I say just don't be dishonest... in my opinion it isn't worth it! You want to leave on a good note in case you ever need a reference or want to return to the work force. Good luck!!! You won't regret staying home... by far the best decision I ever made!!!

the_other_mother

-when do you/did you tell your boss? pretty much right away because I was extremely sick so I couldn't have hidden it.
-when did you tell them you may not come back? (If that was your plan) Halfway through my leave. I had 6 weeks of short term disability and an addition 6 FMLA.  I didn't quit, just came back part time.
-how do you hide it until the time is right? i couldn't.
-how do you focus knowing you're going to quit!? Ahh lol.  that's a tough one. It can be difficult, but it's still very early for you. I would just remember that if you are still making money you might as well be earning it.
-any additional considerations or advice? just know your rights

emsrdh03

With DS I found out I was pregnant a month before I started a new job. I was a little worried how they would take the news so I didn't tell until 22 weeks. I'm tall and was a bit overweight at the time so it wasn't hard to hide. I didn't start obviously showing until after 30 weeks. 

With my next 2 pregnancies I told right away. I work in a job that often requires me to stand in the X-ray room so I had to tell. This time I have told a few select people to help me avoid the X-ray situation but hope to not tell everyone for a few more weeks.

I always return to work so I'm no help with that part. 

barrelocarol

This is just me, but bc I worked in HR, I chose to tell right away with my first pregnancy. The company was going through massive layoffs and I wanted them on notice and responsible for meeting ADA accommodations, if they arose, or whatever else. 

msunshine123

-when do you/did you tell your boss?
Ive always had to tell early I have HG so can't really hide all the vomiting.
-when did you tell them you may not come back? (If that was your plan)
I waited until 1/2 way through my maternity leave
-how do you hide it until the time is right? 
I couldn't I was always so sick
-how do you focus knowing you're going to quit!? 
Because you want the pay, benefits, a good reference and possible job if you ever do decide to return to the workforce
-any additional considerations or advice? 

eggplantface

One thing to remember when you're planning on not returning to work is all the people who are still there working and counting on you. At a previous job we had a designer who went on maternity leave and sent us a certified letter with her resignation that she paid to arrive on the day she was supposed to return. We didn't actually get it until the following day. She ignored our phone calls. We could have started a search for a new designer while she was gone had she told us (it became clear it was a premeditated decision). Instead we were without a designer for a few months, and on a staff of three that's bad. She burned that bridge to the ground. Your employer should be able to work with you and keep you on the payroll until your leave is up and that way your coworkers can plan to replace you and won't be left in a lurch. 

LadyMillil

If your company provides benefits or pay during mat leave and you plan on taking leave and then quitting you could be required to pay that back. DH's company provides a generous parental leave package with fine print that you need to return for x amount of time after the leave and they had a woman that took full leave and quit on the last day of her leave and she is now on the hook for paying it back.

meatballs37

I decided to cut my hours significantly when I was on my leave with DD. I agree, telling your employer sooner rather than later that you won't be returning is a common courtesy. But I don't think you have to tell them this early in pregnancy either. 

awb1216

eggplantface said:

One thing to remember when you're planning on not returning to work is all the people who are still there working and counting on you. At a previous job we had a designer who went on maternity leave and sent us a certified letter with her resignation that she paid to arrive on the day she was supposed to return. We didn't actually get it until the following day. She ignored our phone calls. We could have started a search for a new designer while she was gone had she told us (it became clear it was a premeditated decision). Instead we were without a designer for a few months, and on a staff of three that's bad. She burned that bridge to the ground. Your employer should be able to work with you and keep you on the payroll until your leave is up and that way your coworkers can plan to replace you and won't be left in a lurch. 

Yes!  I agree with this completely.  I work for my family's business with 14 employees.  We offer paid maternity leave along with benefits during that time and have to shuffle responsibilities around significantly to accommodate that leave.  If someone were to decide not to come back and not give us notice, it would put a significant burden on everyone else in the office.  It's unprofessional and irresponsible, as well as incredibly selfish as it's intentionally making life more difficult for others.

Some people may not even realize they want to stay at home until after their first child is born, but even if that's the case you don't wait until the last day of your leave.

madie008

I didn't quit my job with baby number 1.... but I did wait a long time to tell my boss, I remember it was past 20 weeks. She knew something was wrong because I had not been my self for a while. Very forgetful & slow working, showing up to work when I wasn't working, sleeping in and being late - which I had never done before. 
I work with my best friend so she was really good at fending off the suspicious people....mostly wore bigger tops, helped that I never got very big. 
I wish I had told sooner and will this time around. 
I will tell closer to 12 weeks, but I don't think you need to talk about leave and/or not returning until a few months before baby comes. 

MrsJ2410

LadyMillil said:

If your company provides benefits or pay during mat leave and you plan on taking leave and then quitting you could be required to pay that back. DH's company provides a generous parental leave package with fine print that you need to return for x amount of time after the leave and they had a woman that took full leave and quit on the last day of her leave and she is now on the hook for paying it back.

THIS. I am hoping to not go back to work after my maternity leave, and I have heard from various people not to tell until you are almost through, but our PTO accrues throughout the year and if we take it early we are essentially borrowing against future accrued PTO time. Since it will be February I don't want to be responsible for paying back anything that I am "borrowing". 

I am probably going to tell my boss soon, he knew I was doing IVF and also the receptionist in my office called me out the other day and said everyone probably knew already. My job is really involved and whomever replaces me will need a lot of guidance and I don't want my bosses to feel like I left them in a lurch. Also I want to talk to HR and know exactly what I am entitled to and the expectations that come with it. DH and I are on my insurance and will be through next year and I need to have my ducks in a row. 

I have not really been hiding anything, I am bloated and tired and while I wear loose clothes, I am sure some people may be questioning. I thought I could go without anyone saying anything ( I work at a law firm, I figured it was a no brainer to not comment on people's bodies as a rule) but clearly not. ::shrug:: 

It's hard for me to focus for sure, I have always planned to not come back to work, and then it took me 18 months to get pregnant and I got very bitter at work (I really hate my job). But knowing there is  alight at the end of the tunnel helps me to focus on all of the things I have to do to leave here in a good place and leave my replacement in a good place. 

mblomq2

LadyMillil said:

If your company provides benefits or pay during mat leave and you plan on taking leave and then quitting you could be required to pay that back. DH's company provides a generous parental leave package with fine print that you need to return for x amount of time after the leave and they had a woman that took full leave and quit on the last day of her leave and she is now on the hook for paying it back.

@LadyMillil Well my job does not provide any paid maternity benefits... so there's that. 

mblomq2

eggplantface said:

One thing to remember when you're planning on not returning to work is all the people who are still there working and counting on you. At a previous job we had a designer who went on maternity leave and sent us a certified letter with her resignation that she paid to arrive on the day she was supposed to return. We didn't actually get it until the following day. She ignored our phone calls. We could have started a search for a new designer while she was gone had she told us (it became clear it was a premeditated decision). Instead we were without a designer for a few months, and on a staff of three that's bad. She burned that bridge to the ground. Your employer should be able to work with you and keep you on the payroll until your leave is up and that way your coworkers can plan to replace you and won't be left in a lurch. 

@eggplantface wow that's pretty rough! I've been loyal to my company for almost a decade, I can't imagine doing something so sneaky and not even coming in person. What I'm thinking is tell my boss and coworkers at 13 weeks and then letting the important people know along the way that I have not decided if I will come back or not but to prepare as if I am not. A lot of people here said they couldn't hide it but I haven't been that sick so I think I can. I don't want to share preemptively. Once on leave I'll give one month notice I won't be returning. That's what our employee policy requests. If possible I'd prefer to do it in person too, as tough as that may be. They'll have to contract a replacement for me so hopefully I can guide them to someone solid since it'll be a few months I'm sure!

unfitbunny

Already did to the relevant people, I have a bunch of travel and I need to get it out of the way before I can't travel anymore. I'm planning to take only 2 weeks off and go back online after that and within 4 weeks back to the office because my projects can't be stranded for long.
 
No relevant people would learn when people notice how fat I'm, but I work with mainly nerds and engineers so probably most people won't notice!

wal2017

So here's one for you-
i JUST started a new job days ago. Not great timing, but my old job was awful and this new position is a great fit. You have to be employed here 1 full year before getting maternity leave so that's not happening for me. I'm not certain if I'll return to work , I'm leaning toward being a SAHM.
I have a few good friends who are HR professionals and they assured me I'm not being terrible taking a new job (without telling the employee I'm 7 weeks pregnant) and that employers understand. Still, I'm worried about when to break the news. I'm thinking at least second trimester , especially if I'm not showing too soon.
Has anyone been in a similar position? 

clc515

-when do you/did you tell your boss? I actually don't want to tell for as long as possible... I'm already overweight so I won't show for a bit. I was planning to hire someone in Q2-3 anyways, so will get that person hired/trained up so I have back up while I'm out. I already talked to my HR person, though, so I could figure out our maternity leave offerings. 

-when did you tell them you may not come back? (If that was your plan) I plan to come back, so n/a

-how do you hide it until the time is right? Don't plan to hide necessarily, but I do have the benefit of an office door that I can shut when I'm feeling extra queasy. Plus I figure being overweight I'll either not show for a while, or just look like I'm gaining weight lol.

-how do you focus knowing you're going to quit!? Haha I am barely focusing now and I'm not quitting! Just so excited. But otherwise focus on getting paid  

-any additional considerations or advice? totally second @eggplantface's comments. If you have a solid team that can kinda absorb your duties without much stress, then I could see waiting a bit longer... but if you're a key role player and your absence will hurt, I'd appreciate the courtesy of knowing earlier so we can plan!

JennyColada

@wal2017 (lurker here) a similar thing happened to my BFF. I gave her support by telling her that some people don't even find out that they're pregnant until 6 weeks or so (so if you needed to, you could always say "oh I didn't know during the interview!"). She told her employer at, I think, like 16 weeks (when she went public on FB since she had some co-workers as friends).

madie008

wal2017 said:

So here's one for you-
i JUST started a new job days ago. Not great timing, but my old job was awful and this new position is a great fit. You have to be employed here 1 full year before getting maternity leave so that's not happening for me. I'm not certain if I'll return to work , I'm leaning toward being a SAHM.
I have a few good friends who are HR professionals and they assured me I'm not being terrible taking a new job (without telling the employee I'm 7 weeks pregnant) and that employers understand. Still, I'm worried about when to break the news. I'm thinking at least second trimester , especially if I'm not showing too soon.
Has anyone been in a similar position? 

Same thing happened to me with baby #1! I got a new job around 12 weeks. That's actually why I waited so long to tell....like I said in my pp I don't remember exactly when but I know it was past 20 weeks, maybe closer to 30. My manager totally didn't care. I don't know if she ever even connected the dots that I was pregnant in the interview. I did tell HR I was pregnant a few days before I told my boss just to make sure it was okay, and they assured me there was nothing that could happen since they basically can't fire pregnant ladies. I was able to get mat leave though because I only needed 14 weeks of work in a row. 
Dont feel bad you have to do what is best for you! 

wal2017

This is making me feel much better! My husband was a little bummed when he realized I won't qualify for mat leave, but we are just trying to focus on the positives. It's a good job and people seem nice. I'm feeling hopeful that when I share the news people will be nice about it (probably close to 20 wks If I am not sporting an obvious bump by then)