UO Thursday 6/22

peachy13

peachy13

So mine is far more tame than my flameworthy O last week, but this week I’m letting you ladies know that I like gender reveal parties (not trying to dig up the gender vs sex discussion, I’m just calling it a gender reveal because that’s what it’s generally referred to instead of a sex reveal, but you guys know what I mean. A party where we share the sex of our baby). I know a lot of people think they’re AW-y, over the top, and obnoxious, but I think they’re fun and harmless. The sex of our baby is something DH and I really want to know, something we want to share, and something our friends/family want to know too. Might as well call it an excuse to get everyone together and celebrate.   

MJDsquared

@peachy13 We won't have a gender reveal party (I do agree that sex and gender are not the same, but I wouldn't call it a sex reveal party just because gender reveal rolls off the tongue better and it's what everyone calls them) but I don't get all the hate for them at all.

speach13

@peachy13 I love to watch videos of other people's gender reveals! I'm not creative and I really suck at planning parties so it's cool to see what other people come up with. This time around I might do the whole pink/blue cupcake deal for DD and DS since one wants a boy and the other wants a girl. 

UO: I don't like being a stay at home mom. Some women rock at it, but not me. We live in a tiny town with not much to do so most of our days are spent outside in our yard. We have zoos and other kid friendly things to do in the bigger cities that surround us but funds are pretty tight right now. I am sure I will look back at this time and miss being able to spend all my time with my kids, but as of right now I just feel like I am a boring mama who is always telling them to clean their messes up lol. 

peachy13

@speach13 the cupcakes are such a cute idea! We are doing a pinata and filling it with either wrapped blue candy or wrapped pink candy. Little stressful though because we have a very tight turnaround from when we find out to when the party is scheduled, so I'm feeling very thankful for Amazon 2 day shipping.

anewadventure

@peach13  that gif seriously cracks me up. 

all of you above, serious question - why exactly are you uncomfortable with calling it a sex reveal? since that is what it is? why perpetuate in calling it a gender reveal? 

anewadventure

guys, not sure if this is a UO, but... i have a preemptive plea for this board. Nov. 17 already started a facebook group, at the halfway point. i have no words for this. well i words, but none that are positive. 

can we please, please, please, please not do this until far later in our "journey" here? 

blueskies17

@peachy13 Exactly what @MJDsquared said. Why do other people care about the way you celebrate your baby? You do you. 

speach13

@anewadventure I'm not uncomfortable with calling it a sex reveal. When I talk
about baby's sex to my kids, I always say do you want the baby to be a boy or girl? I guess when I talk to people IRL about sex, I always say boy or girl instead of sex or gender. Is that PC? Hell, I don't even know. 

ETA:
@peachy13 I love your piñata idea! I think my kids would prefer that over cupcakes. Each time we're at a store and see pinatas they're all about em lol. 

balletnerd

I am prob going to have a "gender" reveal party as well. I love to host parties and it's an excuse to get all my friends together at my house and swim in the pool. Haven't thought about how to reveal yet.

ameliabedelia-2

@peachy13.....so are you all already going to know before your party what the sex is, or is someone else filling the pinata? I don't mind small gender reveals as long as the parents are actually part of the reveal. If the parents already know, and all the hoopla is just so everyone else can find out, I definitely side-eye.  Isn't the fun in a gender reveal seeing the excitement/surprise from the parents?

abcola

@peachy13 We are actually having a 'gender reveal' today for our friends!
@balletnerd I feel the same way about getting people together. We didnt do a big 'reveal' when we were pregnant and rather told people one by one which was really fun, but DH and I love having people over and entertaining so this is a great reason to get together! 
@ameliabedelia-2 we already know the sex of the baby... a boy! We found out via  mini reveal, told some of our closest friends (since they knew about the testing) and we've done a reveal for my in Laws already. Honestly I am really glad that I could find out with only DH there and process it in my own way. It's also way less stressful to do the reveal for others since you already know. The fun part is everyone else being surprised! 

On a similar note a friend of ours did a sex reveal for his first and when the pink balloons came out of the box he said "oh shit".... and it was caught all on camera.... 

We're not going all out for the party, just some snacks.... and I just got one fun garland decoration with different colored 'poofs'.... Since we know already I didnt want to go all out with pink stuff... 
I got blue silly string and confetti poppers and our friends will each get to do one! 

peachy13

@anewadventure I know this is a lame answer, but it's really just that everyone calls it a gender reveal. I've never heard the phrase "sex reveal" spoken by anyone, and it's not that these people or myself think that sex or gender are the same, it's just that "gender reveal" is such a common term and so widely used in my circle. Even as I search frantically online for party supplies, everything is coming up as gender reveal stuff. I guess too, if I'm being honest, inviting someone to a sex reveal party sounds strange to me, like I'm inviting people to an adult toy party or something. 

peachy13

@ameliabedelia-2, yes we're finding out at the doctor's appt. and sharing the news the next day with family/friends.

ETA -- the fun for me is telling our family what we're having. I love hosting parties and am excited for everyone to get together, so it's a lot easier for me to know what to buy ahead of time. I honestly don't even know how I would ask someone to fill the pinata (or any surprise reveal-related thing) for me without it seeming like I don't care if they're not surprised. I don't know if I totally get the reason for the side eye for the parents already knowing -- to me that's like saying a wedding ceremony isn't as special when a first look happened because the groom isn't seeing the bride for the first time when she's walking down the aisle.

@abcola, totally agree

sjis

@speach13 I feel ya on the sahm thing. Funny thing my phone wanted to spell check it to 'sham'. Before my DD I've always worked from home so I thought I'd be used to being home all the time, but it's a different beast with a child. Some days are great, some days suck. It's always up and down and I'm constantly trying to find my center, to be zen but also a 'fun' mom. But more often than not I find myself being a nag and going to bed with mom guilt. 
Anyways, despite the rocky road I'm super lucky to be home and to spend time with DD. 

Oh ya, and we're also doing a gender reveal, but just for family. Even though DH and I know it's a boy, it's more for the grandparents and DD's cousins who are super excited! DH and I wanted a private moment to ourselves when we found out.

speach13

@sjis well said! I feel the same. I start my job in about 2 weeks (3 nights a week, 7p-7a) and I know I'm going to miss out on a lot with the kids. But I am so ready to get back into a routine and have extra money so when we are home together, we can do fun things. 

flowerpower5838

My topically-related UO - I think sex reveal parties are dumb if the parents already know the sex. While yes I care about the sex of my friends' and family's babies, I don't have a stake in it so I don't really care whether it's a boy or girl. I mean, it's going to be one or the other, right? The only redeeming quality in these parties to me is the look on mom and dad's face when they cut into that cake and it's pink or open the box of balloons and blue ones float out. 

My actual UO - It drives me absolutely bananas when people give people advice that goes against all etiquette standards. You do you, girl! NO - you do NOT do you! Try and care a little bit about the other people in your life and if what you are planning to do may offend them! That's why etiquette exists! Don't live and die by pleasing others, of course, but don't just think that you and your wishes, hopes and dreams are the only thing that matters.

sjis

UO: speaking of sex..... i think it's a load of BS when popular opinion says you have to orgasm every time you have sex. I mean c'mon! It's the goal we all strive for but sometimes being tired, the mind wandering, etc., it just won't happen. But it's all good fun right ladies?

MJDsquared

If I were going to do a gender reveal, I'd want to already know. Also, it would be super casual (I wouldn't mail invites, I'd text/call/email whatever) and I'd specify no gifts to everyone. It'd just be a normal get together.

Also, agree on calling it gender reveal because that's the term that's used. I think it's a bit overkill to be upset over the term "gender reveal." Lurking November, there was a mom having a gender reveal who does agree that sex does not equal gender, and she said if you're that against using the term gender at all, you shouldn't call your child boy/girl, you should call them male/female. I kind of liked that analogy. I'm definitely not going to be like, "It's a male!" "It's a female!"

Tennis11785

When we first started discussing how we would find out the sex of the baby, I also called it a gender reveal. Just because that's the phrase I've heard so often. But after a day or so, I caught myself saying "we'll find the sex when we do a private gender reveal" and I stopped and thought about how I was accidentally confusing the two by using the "common" language. So then I made an effort to start saying "sex reveal". Once I did it a couple of times, it started to sound "normal" to me.

MJDsquared

@sjis So with you there. The only way I've been able to orgasm during sex is if I'm on top and it takes forever so honestly 90% of the time (especially lately, on the rare times when we do it) I don't even attempt. Lol.

acgonzalez22

@speach13 I hated being a SAHM and am much happier working full-time. I don't feel as if I have missed any part of DS growing up. For me it is about quality time with children not quantity of time. I am off at 5 everyday and am home Sat & Sun. I truly believe it is beneficial for all of us for me to work- emotionally and financially. 

splsmama2016

I'm piggy backing off the SAHM thing. I love it, for the most part. But I dislike that I can't really do much these days for several reasons. Funds are tight, DH gives me crap for going out during the week to do things with DD (but it gets REALLY boring staying at home all day). I tell him that she needs the interaction with other babies, and so do I! The only adult interaction I get is either when he comes home, or on Wednesdays when we have swim lessons. It's hard staying home, so I feel ya!!

My UO: I HATE when people who DO NOT HAVE KIDS judge others. I got into a minor argument with a friend when she decided to bitch about another mutual friend who's 3 year old still uses a pacifier. While I did agree that a 3 year old shouldn't need one, I told this person that it's none of her business why this child still uses one. We aren't in their home, we don't know what's going on in the kids life, so it's not our place to judge. She also said that because she's been a nanny since she was 16, she thinks when she has kids it's going to be a piece of cake. 

ameliabedelia-2

I am the opposite w/the STHM thing....I work full-time and hate it. I wish I could stay home. I imagine it would be different if I liked my job, but I absolutely despise it, and my boss is the hugest asshole of all time. I am a technical recruiter, and I find the work mindless and boring. I am well compensated, but the shit I deal with is unreal. I am so stressed and grumpy when I get home, I hardly want to spend time with DD. It makes me feel terrible. I am hoping we can find a way for me to stay home after this one, and maybe then I can find something part-time. 

AMCsquared

I also love watching strangers' gender reveals. I swear. My UO is that people who don't like those parties are just crabby. Lol.

acgonzalez22

@ameliabedelia-2 I think it makes a huge difference. I'm sorry you hate your job and can't imagine how you feel. I love my career and my work is very family oriented. If I want a day off to just have Mommy/son time they are fine with it. Dr's appts, sick days, etc. They are always very supportive and it makes all the difference in the world. Thriving SAHM's amaze me! My sister loves and rocks staying at home. It isn't right for everyone and I've learned that is okay. I hope you get to SAH with this lo.

ameliabedelia-2

I hate Pottery Barn Kids. Their nursery stuff seems so uncreative and boring to me. The prints and colors seem like they should be from 10 years ago. Land of Nod on the other hand....lemme just grab my credit card. 

blueskies17

@flowerpower5838 I'm not sure if this is directed to my comment above, but I will clarify to say that I don't believe in "you do you" for all situations. For instance, I wouldn't say "you do you" to a person that chooses an expensive destination bachelorette when her friends have trouble affording it. A gender (aka sex) reveal party is not against general etiquette, often involves free food, and is a fun way to get together. If someone doesn't want to attend, they don't have to. 

wabash15

I think things like preschool and kindergarten graduations are stupid. Graduations should be reserved for highschool and college/advanced degrees. its to celebrate years of hard work not just getting older..

whiska

@splsmama2016 I can understand you a little bit, but I'm going to offer the perspective of someone who doesn't have kids yet but does have opinions about parenting.  If she was your friend she probably thought you might be a good person to talk to about this since you do have kids -- and maybe she came off way too judgey for your taste.  

I used to talk to a friend about our parenting ideas freely and openly, but once she had kids it was like all of a sudden my thoughts or research were threatening, or veered on judging her.  She would get defensive about her position on whatever topic so I would drop it.  That's not what I was trying to do at all - I just thought it would be fun to talk about you know, pros and cons of baby-led weaning, or attachment parenting or whatever.  I have opinions but it always comes with a live and let live philosophy behind it.  It sucked because all of a sudden my opinion didn't matter.  I know that reading about parenting in no way, shape, or form equals the experience of parenting, but it doesn't mean I know nothing or that I can't even talk about it.  Oh well though.  I do comfort myself that with finally having kids people will let me weigh in on certain topics where I'm not allowed to tread right now.

@flowerpower5838 I feel the same way with the etiquette thing!  No, it's not, "you do you".  It's "have some respect for yourself, your friends, and family."  I feel like this is how we got to modern wedding etiquette because every bride is told it's her day and she should be able to do whatever she wants.  I realize a lot of this originated in trying to reclaim some power from meddling or toxic parents, but there's a line.  Learn to walk it.

My UO - or maybe this belongs in Monday Bitchfest lol - is that I really don't like it when people tell me things about their pregnancy that are further along than I am now.  Liiiiike, I don't want to hear about when you were 30 weeks and the baby wouldn't let you sleep.  I definitely don't want to hear your birth story right now.  Maybe later.  I would love to hear about how you felt when you found out, or if your morning sickness was bad, or how you told your partner or friends and family.  Of course this one is inspired by my MIL, who launched into her traumatic birth story with my BIL as soon as we told them the news

TigerCakes

Not sure how unpopular it is after reading the thread but I love gender reveal parties! We're having our party on Sunday. I also am calling it a gender reveal even though I believe that gender and sex are different.  It's not for our immediate families and closest friends.  We are not finding out the sex before either.  I'm picking up an envelope with sex in it and then dropping it off with a box at party city to have them fill with pink or blue balloons.  I didn't want anyone knowing the sex before me and I want to be surprised too so this is the best way I could think of setting it up. 

I do do hate when parents find out a month in advance and then wait to have a party to tell others though.  

splsmama2016

@whiska I can see your point. And I really do try to give her the benefit, since she's worked with kids for so many years. But when she starts judging a mutual friend for their parenting choices, I just couldn't deal anymore, and politely asked her to stop judging until she was in their shoes. She also had the balls to tell me that I was a bad parent for using formula, a blanket (a lovey blanket with a bunny head on it...) and bumpers. I'm not kidding when I tell you she called me a bad mother. 
I totally understand and respect that we all have and will have different parenting styles. But I can't do the judging part. We are all supposed to help lift each other up, right? She may not yet be a parent and she's already bringing others down. 
Its one thing to say "this is how I'd like to parent my children", but a totally different thing to say it's going to be easy. The easiest thing I've found in the last year is that I can share my Mac and cheese with my daughter and she won't complain until it's all gone. Lol. Everything else is hard. I love it all, but it's hard. 

flowerpower5838

blueskies17 said:

@flowerpower5838 I'm not sure if this is directed to my comment above, but I will clarify to say that I don't believe in "you do you" for all situations. For instance, I wouldn't say "you do you" to a person that chooses an expensive destination bachelorette when her friends have trouble affording it. A gender (aka sex) reveal party is not against general etiquette, often involves free food, and is a fun way to get together. If someone doesn't want to attend, they don't have to. 

I had to scroll up to see what you were talking about. I personally had the baby shower thread in mind when writing my UO, not sex reveals. That was actually a poor coincidence, but I do feel like that advice  - you do you - is typically in poor form. I just don't agree with advising people to ignore the opinions and feelings of those closest to them to justify doing whatever they want. Just my personal opinion.  

As for your comparison, I don't really see how that applies to my comment at all. But I certainly agree with you about the extravagant bach parties. 

This is not directed at you, @blueskies17  but it's clearly a UO so I just feel like I need to confess lol:

Sex reveals are not my cup of tea for a multitude of reasons, but I never said anything about them going against general etiquette. My disdain for sex reveal parties is that much like the separate diaper cake parties or lingerie showers or even engagement parties....where does the madness end??? No one knows if there is supposed to be a gift or not and even when no gift is noted on an invite, some people still feel obligated not to show up empty handed. I think it's stupid that parents think everyone cares SO MUCH about what reproductive organs are in between their kid's legs that it warrants an entire event, ESPECIALLY when the parents already know the sex. Like I previously stated, yes I care of course about the spawn of my nearest and dearest but not enough to make an entire day of it. It is what it is, there are only two options so it's not like it's going to be much of a surprise either way.

flowerpower5838

@whiska YES on the traumatic birth stories thing!! Whhyyyyyyyyy when I mention to someone that I am pregnant they are all "OMG I HATED being pregnant! I was so swollen and then the cord was wrapped 46 times around my kids neck and then I tore soooooo bad and couldn't walk for a week!" NOOOOOOOO thank you. I am a STM now and I still don't want to hear that shit. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't all need to be sunshine and rainbows but maybe leave out the traumatizing parts of your birth story so I am not scared shitless. 

eta: oh and i can agree on the judging thing, too. Many people are just automatically defensive when it comes to their parenting styles. I feel like when we mention baby led weaning and when, after being asked more about it, we go into the benefits people feel like I am judging their parenting decisions if they don't. Which I am not! I am just talking about how i feed my kid. This is where I think you do you applies best lol/

elev2017

wabash15  I 100% agree about the pre-k/kindergarten graduations! So silly, especially when they wear the gowns! My stepdaughter just "graduated" from kindergarten and even her mom told me she thought it was ridiculous lol.

My UO (though I'm thinking it might not be that unpopular)... I think that making/commissioning jewelry made from breast milk, hair, ashes, or umbilical cords is really gross. A woman I know posted about doing this today through sacredlegacyarts.com and I just don't get the appeal!

blueskies17

@flowerpower5838 Our comments were just a weird coincidence then. I mentioned the bachelorette example because weddings are an area where "you do you" can go out of control. While I don't plan on having a gender reveal party myself, I personally don't think it's overkill. It probably depends on your social group/family, but I consider gender reveals to be low key, no gifts expected, and a short and fun event for close friends and family.

peachy13

@whiska totally. My SIL absolutely hated being pregnant with both of her kids to the point where I avoided her after my MC because all she did was moan and groan about how awful it was to be pregnant. Anyway, she just had her baby in April and is now making comments like "oh you poor thing, you have no idea what you're in for" after I'll respond to the "how are you feeling?" questions and I respond that I'm feeling pretty good. She just keeps shutting down my good mood and telling me that it's about to get awful.

whiska

@wabash15 Totally agree.  And just like participation trophies and attendance ribbons... who is it actually for?  The parents. Because it's too hard to explain that when you lose you go home empty-handed and sometimes we pass milestones without ceremony.  

When we were growing up we had end-of-year programs with songs we learned in music/choir and certificates being handed out, with parents in attendance taking pictures.  Who looked at that event and said, you know, we really need to make this seem like the kids actually accomplished something by dressing them up in teeny robes and handing out 'diplomas'?  Plus it really cheapens high school and college commencements and the actual hard work teens and adults put into those degrees!

Amber_Waves

What if you went to a "sex reveal" party thinking it was a "gender reveal" party and when the smoke bomb went off it spelled MISSIONARY? 

cait5413

Yeah, I would not expect to bring a gift to a gender reveal, so if parents want to throw a party for friends/family, ok. I do think it is more fun when the parents don't know--the point is really to see their reaction. I'd expect the parents to at least fake surprise if they already knew. 

As for traumatic birth stories, DH and I went to visit his family shortly after we found out we were pregnant. We only told his parents, and kept it quiet from everyone else because it was still pretty early on. His great aunt came up to me twice to ask if we were going to have another and told me TWICE that she only has a son because she got pregnant with number 2 when her son was only a few months old and she lost the baby and they had to do a hysterectomy, so she could never have another. Now, I know she only told me twice because she didn't remember telling me, and she didn't know I was pregnant, but DD was only 9 months at the time so I really didn't need the story about having two babies close together going horribly wrong. 

Sorry, @whiska, unless a friend asks you for advice (which you would preface by, "well, you know we don't have kids yet, but from what I've read, i think we'd try...") or you want to add some solidarity (e.g., "I'm also going to try baby-led weaning when we have kids!"), as a non-parent, you don't really get a say. It may not be fair, but you also don't really understand what it's like til you're in it. And @splsmama2016 is right--in the example she provided, it doesn't really matter whether her friend who was being negative had kids or not--it wasn't a cool thing to do. Her not having kids just makes it worse. 

AMCsquared

@Amber_Waves lol!!! I mean if we r talking semantics here, I'd totally expect a sex show at at sex reveal party. #missionary

@peachy13 why do people do that?  Like u must be doomed bc they say so. It starts to feel like people are trying to one up each other or be a know it all. I have friends who totally mean well but keep telling us we have no clue what we r in store for with tiredness. Like yes I agree I have no clue! But the time will come and I will see. I'm not denying it.

Also on the topic of gender reveals, I do NOT think the parents must be finding out the news at the party. That sounds like an awful lot of pressure. I'd rather react at home first and then share the news.