Newbie intro (second tri loss)

rosemaryandthyme

Hi, everyone...mind if I join?  I didn't notice any official intro thread, so I figured I should post here first rather than slip in under the radar like a creeper.

One week ago I experienced a loss at 18 weeks.  MMC as the baby was measuring about 15 or 16 weeks.  I went to my prenatal appointment and my midwife was unable to locate heart tones with the doppler, so I was sent for an ultrasound that revealed no heartbeat, plus fetalis hydrops.  This was on a Thursday afternoon, and I agreed to be scheduled for a D&C the following Tuesday.  However, my body went into labor on its own in the early hours of Monday 6/5, with my water breaking, and just two hours later our little baby was delivered.  I'm really grateful to my body for doing that, because it appears that I was starting to show early signs of mirror syndrome (which is crazy scary), so I think my body just eventually realized that this needed to be over NOW.

This has been such a crazy experience.  Of course nobody thinks this will happen to them.  I had an uneventful pregnancy 5 years ago resulting in my healthy 4.5 year old daughter.  But, from the very early days of knowing about this second pregnancy, I just *knew* something was going to go wrong.  I was a part of the Nov '17 board for a bit at the beginning, but then stopped participating because posting somehow felt like a lie, since I just could not shake the feeling that I wouldn't actually be bringing a baby home in November.  I kept telling myself that I was being paranoid, and had little glimpses of positivity after seeing a healthy baby on US at 9 weeks, and then after hearing healthy heart tones with the doppler at 14 weeks.  I passed most of the "safe" marks, but still, whenever I would try to picture a new baby with us in the fall, it was like it all just went fuzzy and I couldn't see it at all.  Now I get it.  As sad as it was to see that little lifeless babe on the US screen, I was amazed that the very first thought that went through my head was "I knew it".  Mothers' intuition is an amazingly powerful thing.

Our plan now is to start TTC again as soon as possible.  I will be 35 next month, so I definitely feel the clock ticking.  We are still awaiting the results of genetic testing, so of course, if new information presents itself that tells me we should reconsider, we will.  But, the doctor expects that this was a case of chromosomal defects from the very beginning, so in that case we're cleared to TTC as soon as I get one full cycle back.  I've been stick testing hCG each day for the past 3 days, and the line has become lighter and lighter, and now nearly invisible, so I'm hopeful that I will get the cycle back soon (but I know that can't really be guaranteed).

So, that's a bit of our story.  I'm looking forward to joining you all here, as I'm now learning firsthand just how lonely and isolating pregnancy loss can be.  Best wishes to all as you forge on through your TTCAL journey!

ladipale

I am so very sorry for your loss. sending you love... I've had two 2nd tri losses in the last 15 months. So heartbreaking. Welcome to this corner of the internet - hope your stay here is short. 

rosemaryandthyme

@ladipale Thank you for the welcome.  I'm so sorry to hear you've had similar experiences  It's crazy how we're told so often how rare loss is after the first trimester...it doesn't really feel all that rare anymore!

ladipale

@rosemaryandthyme - yeah. its really really hard. Did your milk come in? I think that was the hardest thing about my loss at 16 weeks. I started producing milk. 

rosemaryandthyme

@ladipale It started to, but didn't get far.  Two days after delivery my breasts felt heavier, but I was agressive with the sage and peppermint tea...I started slamming three cups per day the day I delivered.  Perhps that helped?  They feel back to "normal" now.  I'm sorry you experienced that...it's really a special sort of heartbreak, like a kick in the teeth when you're already down

Mack2342

@rosemaryandthyme I'm so sorry for your loss.  Welcome, hopefully you aren't here long 

hdaley

Sorry for your loss.  I understand the Mothers intuition.  I had it with my first trimester loss as well.  

MooFish2364

I'm so sorry. I also felt similar with my early loss. I somehow just felt that it wasn't going to work out even though I wanted it to so bad. I thought that I was just being paranoid or that I just wouldn't let myself be happy. But I guess deep down my body just knew something wasn't right. 

SP128

So sorry you find yourself here. Mothers intuition is something isn't it ? This is a lonely experience. The ladies here understand what you are going through. I hope your stay is short 

tlq0726

Welcome @rosemaryandthyme.  I'm so sorry for your loss. I too am here after the loss of my Nov '17 baby.  It's not a fun place to be, but these amazing women are super helpful and encouraging.  You're going to like it here but, as others have said, I hope your stay is short.

dpjennifer

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like there were a lot of us due in Nov. '17. (I never posted on the BMB since my loss was so early) 

adirat

@rosemaryandthyme I'm so sorry for your loss and the scary situation with mirror syndrome. I also had a second tri loss of my baby girl due in November. How long have you been directed to be benched before you can ttc again? 

Chawk17

@rosemary&thyme Sorry for your loss. I think you'll find the girls are very supportive here.

splashmountain

So sorry for your loss. Hope your stay is short

rosemaryandthyme

@adirat Oh no, I'm so sorry!  It feels like lots of November mamas had crap luck this time around...I peeked at your siggy and it looks like we got our BFP on the same day .  I've been told by the OB that cared for me during the loss that I should wait one full cycle before starting to TTC again, so hopefully that will be soon-ish, like maybe August or so if things regulate as expected.  I hope we both get to join a new BMB soon!

adirat

@rosemaryandthyme Oof, that is bad luck indeed I hope you are able to get back into the swing of things soon.

fiddleRN79

I was a November 17 momma too. I'm so sorry this happened. I agree that a mothers intuition is real. I didn't feel quite right about this one either. Just a nagging feeling that something was wrong. I wish my intuition had been wrong as I'm sure you do as well. Prayers for healing

rosemaryandthyme

@fiddleRN79  So sorry that you had a loss, too  I've always considered myself a highly intuitive person, but wow, this experience just took it to a whole new level.  My worry now is that next pregnancy I won't be able to tell what is intuition, and what is just fear, ya know?  I really hope that we are both able to heal quickly and join another BMB soon!

justsuzie

So sorry for your loss.  Make sure you take time to properly grieve your loss.  I hope you are able to heal.

baileym9126

I'm so sorry for your loss.