Dealing with my mother — The Bump
3rd Trimester

Dealing with my mother

Hello, I was hoping I could get some advice or something.
I'm 30wks along on Tuesday and for several months now my husbsnd and I have been discussing things we want to happen on D-Day. One of the big items for both of us (but probably me more) is that when I'm admitted for real labor and it's actually happening we don't want anyone else but him, our doc and our nurse there. We don't want his mom & family or my mom and family there until after baby is delivered, we've had some time to rest and get "comfortable"
I really don't think that's asking a lot. 

Last night we told my mother and she lost her absolute s*it. First she said "no one but me right?" To which I replied the only people we want in the room is us and our doc and nurse. She then told me that she absolutely couldn't do that. Again I stated I was sorry but it would just be my husband an I plus our caregivers and that once our son was born and we were ready we'd be letting family up to meet him. At this point she said I was being mean to her and I'd hurt her and she was done for evening and got up and left (we were having dinner with her and my dad). I wanted to explain that it has nothing to do with her, and that my husband and I feel this is a moment for just us. 

I truly feel horrible, and I don't think I should.. I won't be changing what we've decided, but I hate that she's so upset. I called this afternoon to talk to my dad about how she's doing and he said it wasn't good. He'd never seen a reaction like this and wasn't sure what was going to happen. He told me they'd talked about it last night and she told him that she'd been so incredibly excited for her and him and my husband an I to all be there together when my son (and first child) was born that she was heartbroken that wouldn't be happening. She doesn't understand why we don't want her there.

When I told her we didn't want anyone else in the room I worked hard to make sure I didn't use the words "we don't want you there" or "you can't be there" or anything similar because I was worried that's how she'd take it. And from what my dad said that's all she heard when I was trying to explain our decision.

I truly don't know what to do now. My dad thinks maybe I should give it a day or two and go try and talk to her. My husband doesn't feel I should have to try and explain anything other then what I have and that its on her to get over it and he is furious with her for reacting like this because it's causing me so much anxiety. I've already been having some depression and anxiety issues

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to upset her or cause her pain but I'm not changing what we've decided because she assumed she'd get to be there.

A little background on my mother. She's absolutely used to getting her way. She's a very aggressive, dominate, controlling personality. She doesn't handle emotions well. Her and I had a very rough/rocky relationship when I was growing up. I am 28 and only recently with help/support from my husband stopped being overly terrified of her reactions when I do something I think will upset her. This is really the first time in my life I've made a decision that she didn't like/agree with that I've stuck too under her anger.

I really don't know how to handle this from here out...

Re: Dealing with my mother

  • Hello, I was hoping I could get some advice or something.
    I'm 30wks along on Tuesday and for several months now my husbsnd and I have been discussing things we want to happen on D-Day. One of the big items for both of us (but probably me more) is that when I'm admitted for real labor and it's actually happening we don't want anyone else but him, our doc and our nurse there. We don't want his mom & family or my mom and family there until after baby is delivered, we've had some time to rest and get "comfortable"
    I really don't think that's asking a lot. 

    Last night we told my mother and she lost her absolute s*it. First she said "no one but me right?" To which I replied the only people we want in the room is us and our doc and nurse. She then told me that she absolutely couldn't do that. Again I stated I was sorry but it would just be my husband an I plus our caregivers and that once our son was born and we were ready we'd be letting family up to meet him. At this point she said I was being mean to her and I'd hurt her and she was done for evening and got up and left (we were having dinner with her and my dad). I wanted to explain that it has nothing to do with her, and that my husband and I feel this is a moment for just us. 

    I truly feel horrible, and I don't think I should.. I won't be changing what we've decided, but I hate that she's so upset. I called this afternoon to talk to my dad about how she's doing and he said it wasn't good. He'd never seen a reaction like this and wasn't sure what was going to happen. He told me they'd talked about it last night and she told him that she'd been so incredibly excited for her and him and my husband an I to all be there together when my son (and first child) was born that she was heartbroken that wouldn't be happening. She doesn't understand why we don't want her there.

    When I told her we didn't want anyone else in the room I worked hard to make sure I didn't use the words "we don't want you there" or "you can't be there" or anything similar because I was worried that's how she'd take it. And from what my dad said that's all she heard when I was trying to explain our decision.

    I truly don't know what to do now. My dad thinks maybe I should give it a day or two and go try and talk to her. My husband doesn't feel I should have to try and explain anything other then what I have and that its on her to get over it and he is furious with her for reacting like this because it's causing me so much anxiety. I've already been having some depression and anxiety issues

    I just don't know what to do. I don't want to upset her or cause her pain but I'm not changing what we've decided because she assumed she'd get to be there.

    A little background on my mother. She's absolutely used to getting her way. She's a very aggressive, dominate, controlling personality. She doesn't handle emotions well. Her and I had a very rough/rocky relationship when I was growing up. I am 28 and only recently with help/support from my husband stopped being overly terrified of her reactions when I do something I think will upset her. This is really the first time in my life I've made a decision that she didn't like/agree with that I've stuck too under her anger.

    I really don't know how to handle this from here out...
    Sorry, but she will have to deal.  It's your wishes, it's your delivery, it's your choice.  We did not want anyone to be there but ourselves too.  For me, it would have been too much having other people there.   It's stressful enough with just DH and I with the caregivers, personally I couldn't imagine others in the room.  

    It's a very personal decision and she needs to respect that.  Stick to your guns and hopefully after baby is born she will put it past her.  In the mean time, I guess you will have to emphasize "mom, this is our decision, we are not changing it, you will be the first to know and the first to visit, but before that it's just DH and I."  

    That's just me though....
    RobbieLynnettelovesclimbingJDBtwinmamaSnarkasaurusRex
  • (lurking a bit here)

    I felt exactly the same about who I wanted in the room (just DH and staff). My MIL/in laws made it a point to tell me that she had been at every single grandchild's birth. I felt it was pretty much the most private thing a lady can do. My mom wanted nothing to do with it! Couldn't imagine seeing me in pain and get deal with blood anyway. So nobody was there but she came to the hospital the next day (and stayed for a week or two to help). But that's my story.

    Your story is that you have stated your boundaries and you have no control over how your mother reacts. Now your job is to hold the boundary (unless you change your mind). Your mom is just continuing in her typical pattern. So stay strong unless you decide it's just not worth the mental energy of holding on to this. Of note, I went into labor and gave birth at night (short 1st labor) and nobody knew until after it happened.

    This is a really great book (at least I think it was this one) Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No.


    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!




    BabyGaga
    RobbieLynnetteSnarkasaurusRex
  • meggymemeggyme
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    If you've had problems with your mother trying to manipulate situations with her reactions before then definitely stand firm on your decision because it seems like firm boundaries are what your relationship with her needs. How you give birth is a very private decision and like your father said, you don't need to explain yourself if you don't want to. And unless she's an entirely petty heartless woman, the instant your son has arrived safely and you have decided you're ready for visitors it won't (/shouldn't) matter that she didn't see him physically exit you.

    If she does something crazy like show up at the delivery ward, most nursing staff are more than happy be the bad guys and tell people you're not allowed or not taking visitors.
    ME: 32  DH: 32 DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
    RobbieLynnette
  • Thank you for the book suggestion!

     A slight "downside" would be our hospital is rather small and she is the Nursing Manager of the Medical/Surgical floor. Most of the nurses on the Family Birthing floor  (OB) also work on her floor sometimes and they've all known me since I was little. While yes they'll still do what I want, I feel horrible if it comes to that.
  • Basically, everyone's advice is spot on. Tell her you'll let her in the room if she'll agree to drop trou in front of you for a few hours while undergoing something extremely stressful and painful. 
    meggymeneludelu
  • Stick to your guns. You need to set the precedent now that what you say goes.
    You and your husband are the parents and you are the ones who will make decisions for your son until he is 18+. This will definitely include decisions your mother, or other family member, do not agree with. 
    Your mother will just have to adjust her way of thinking and learn throwing a fit won't get her her way.
    RobbieLynnette
  • delujm0delujm0
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    I am consistently surprised at how often this issue comes up on these boards.  Neither my mother or my MIL ever expected to be in the delivery room with me.  MIL wasn't in the delivery room with SIL either.  Certainly if we told them we would like them to be there they would have been, but I truly do not understand why any woman believes it is her right to watch her grandchild come into the world.  My own mother didn't even arrive until the day we came home from the hospital, because she knew there was almost nothing she could do to help us until we were back at the house, and she wanted to be helpful.

     

    Don't give in, and use the nurses if you need to.  Even if they know your mother personally, if you tell them you don't want her in there they should respect your wishes.  You could also not tell your mother when you're in labor.  If she's at the hospital that day word might travel...but if you're very clear that you want anonymity there should be something they can do to protect your identity while you're there.

    Me: 36 DH: 36
    Married 5-31-14
    DD1 born 6-21-15
    DD2 born 6-11-17
    DS born 9-5-18

    SnarkasaurusRex
  • Yikes!!  I had a similar situation with my mom. She had just assumed she'd be in the room for delivery, but I wanted only medical staff and my husband. My mom boo hoo' d about it for a while but I stuck it out. Aaaand she threw a fit when my second was born and again when my 3rd was born. She would just make remarks like "well I've been in the room for all my grandkids except yours" and I said "well you won't be in there this time either, nothing's changed." 

    I think it's hard on us because we don't want to hurt their feelings, but we are adults with feelings too and it's stressful and frustrating for people to not respect our wishes. Honestly it sounds like she's the type who will give you a hard time with decisions regarding your child after birth too. My mother in law always gets her way too and it's caused us a lot of unnecessary madness when it comes to us as our own family. Set your boundaries now and stick to them. Try to never say things like "my husband would rather not." Always say "we" so to not put blame on your spouse. I hope your mother doesn't cause you any drama with your growing family :)
    Pregnancy Ticker
    RobbieLynnette
  • lewlivlewliv
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
    member
    Her feelings are not more important than yours and DH's. I wouldn't even bring it up again. It's already decided and she was informed about it. 
    imwithbabymrsguzman1002RobbieLynnette
  • My mother was the same way and didn't talk to me for weeks. It sucked and I felt bad and I actually did want her there it was my husband who said no it was a moment for us and honestly I was glad he was the only one there it was special and it was really really really crowded !! But after he was born she didn't care because he was there and she wanted to hold him. So just let her throw her temper tantrum and eventually she'll be fine. 
    RobbieLynnette
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