Obsessing thoughts, need comfort!

Drewsmum

Long story, but I can't stop obsessing about the problems we had feeding my newborn his first 4 days of life. Here it goes...
My lo didn't have tons of interest in latching. He would only latch when I had help from lactation. At home I could get him to latch only a few times. They said as long as I "attempted" he was fine. Is that true? How hungry are newborns in their first few days of life? He was never extremely fussy (except for when I was trying to nurse him, he would cry so hard because he didn't want to latch) but when I stopped trying, he was calm and would go straight to sleep. FYI I hadn't given a bottle yet. That's what I regret! Because I got so worried about him being hungry, I started pumping and feeding by syringe on night 3. I was still getting colostrum but very little of it. My milk wasn't in yet. Each time I pumped we fed him what I got which seemed like such a small amount maybe 9 to 12 ml's only. I started this on his 3rd day of life. We saw our pedi on his 4th day of life and was told to supplement with formula since he wasn't latching and it turned out what we were feeding him by syringe wasn't enough. He lost even more weight and was jaundice. What was I thinking? I was severely anemic and didn't have much energy. Of course we gave him the formula until my milk came in, but it's been such a weight over my shoulders thinking if he was in any pain or starving to death. Lactation at the hospital never mentioned to supplement if he continued to not latch, they always said don't do formula if you want to succeed in breastfeeding. I know now that that is totally false because we introduced formula, bottles and pacis and that actually helped him to nurse and 2 weeks later he was a pro and we're still nursing. Did I do wrong by not starting formula sooner since I wasn't pumping much? Do you think he was fine with what I was feeding him? I'm worried about any long term damage I did to his health unintentionally.
ps. I'm in therapy and currently working on controlling these thoughts. I also tried anti depressants, but the side effects were awful. 

ElleMF728

I know it can be really hard to know what the right thing to do is in situations like this.  I think it is good that you are in therapy and speaking with professionals about your concerns and feelings of guilt. However, it is important to remind yourself that he was seen by your pediatrician.  In cases where this is truly the possibility of a potential problem down the road (I'm referring to serious dehydration and hypoglycemia) these babies usually need to be readmitted to the hospital and need serious medical care and IV fluids. What you experienced is awful and I feel for you, we had a similar situation with my first son until I spoke over the phone with my wonderful LC through my pediatrician who immediately noticed there was a problem and told us to supplement and come in that day. I also felt strongly that supplementing saved my BF relationship with my second son which was in direct opposition to what was told to me when I was "educated" the first time. Don't be too hard on yourself, you were doing what you were told was best and you are not alone. The Fed is Best foundation and facebook page has tons of comments, stories and testimonials from women who experienced what you did and I encourage you to take a look. It is always best to discuss these things with your pediatrician, therapist and other professionals who may continue to give you piece of mind. My first is now a happy, healthy and super smart 3.5 year old by the way. 

andrawrmeda2

I'm so sorry you had such a hard time as a mom if an older boy is had just as many issues with, it completely understand. You just have to do what you feel is right. But remember parenthood is very live and learn. There's no handbook, manual, online instructions, Nada. So if the doctors say he doing better and he seems healthier, happier, growing better, it would just be glad that it didn't come to significantly disastrous results.  You were able to recognize something wrong and that's good enough dear. You're just starting out but have lots ahead so enjoy it.