Feeling so negative...

eranvo27

*TW* I have a friend who has an 18 year old graduating tonight. She has two other kids, one 15 and one 11. She just posted "one on the way out and one on the way in, I'm 14 weeks." I knew she was KU, but every time I am reminded of it I get so angry! She is morbidly obese, she smokes, she drinks fairly heavily, and she is 40 (not that age is a bad thing!) I work out almost every day, don't smoke, rarely drink, watch what I eat, and take my meds every day. I am angry because it is not fair. But more than that I feel like an awful friend for being such a judgemental witch. How do you deal with this vicious monster? I try ignoring it, I try distracting myself, but it always rears its ugly head, sometimes twice as bad! I would LOVE to be able to process my emotions and move on so I can be happy for her and other friends that are expecting. Does it ever get easier? I try not to be too hard on myself for how I feel, but it really tears me up inside that I have such negative thoughts and feelings towards others. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated! 

Please excuse me now while I go cry in frustration. 

hoffmanr7

Honestly, I don't know if I have any better advice for you.  You are going to feel what you feel and you are entitled to those feelings.  I'm sure you love your friend and what you are feeling is stemming from frustration at your situation and, of course, the unfairness of the whole situation.  Because it is unfair.  The whole thing is unfair and just plain sucks.

Trying to distract yourself is great, but as you said it doesn't always work.  Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel what you are feeling and get it out.  You won't process them at all by trying to ignore them.  And of course, you are always welcome to vent to us because we get it and need to vent at times ourselves.

*hugs*

notamyrtle

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know in theory (and from personal experience) that things must eventually get better with time, but I personally have not had those kinds of infertility-related feelings (jealousy etc) get better in the past year. I'm already dreading my best friend's pregnancy and she hasn't even started TTC yet. 

You're not a judgmental person - your response is completely normal. This situation sucks.

funkykey

Ugh @eranvo27 - I've struggled with all of those feelings. I think the thing is that we're still in this - every single month, we're still actively dealing with this grief/stress/situation - so it makes it almost impossible to not have them. 

Like, IRL, I'm not a jealous person. I have lots of friends who have more than me, and lots of friends who have less than me. Say I'm struggling at work - like I'm being jerked around on a raise - and then my best friend calls me to tell me she's been promoted. Maybe I'll have a sting of: "Oof, I wish it was me", but I can be happy for her, no problem. Like: "Ah, that's great news! Yey!" and then take my jealousy as a reminder to bring it up with my boss again tomorrow, or to apply for a new job. I can use my jealousy to clarify what I really want, and to try to work harder.

But with this, like, it's not possible to work any harder to try to have a baby. You're doing as much as you possibly can, and still you're stuck in this awful limbo, like a purgatory. There is actually nothing else you can do, and every single month it doesn't work, while people around you who don't even really want kids are breezing by. It sucks. 

For me, when I feel jealous of a friend, I try to give myself a pass on feeling jealous. I confide in my husband, or I call my sister, or I call a friend, and I cry about how unfair it is, and they say: "I know, I know, hang in there. I love you." and then I dust myself off, say: "Congratulations!" to my friend, and try to move on. The thing is - I am honestly happy for other people, I'm just really sad for myself, and frustrated with the struggle.

It also helps me not to think about my friend, but to visualize what I want my own life to look like. My H and I are working on a huge renovation right now (just planning phases), but I like to imagine our house and our nursery, and think about what our life is going to look like. The clearer my image is - of where we'll put a sandbox in the yard, where we'll put our patio furniture for family dinner - the easier it is for me to not be jealous of other people.

Good luck. xoxo

eranvo27

Thanks all! I feel better knowing this is "normal." @funkykey I think you hit the nail on the head! I am not a jealous person at all either IRL. I work hard for what I have and my measure of sucess or failure is directly related to the effort I put in. I am a full time student and I work full time. I am getring ready to start my junior year in a cew months. I have a 3.74 GPA. I've worked hard to keep it and if it drops I know it is my own fault and I know exactly what did or didn't do to end up there. With this I've got nothing. There is nothing more I can do to make it better, and there was nothing that I did to cause it in the first place. That is so hard for me to accept. I eventually get over it and I truly am excited for friends and family but like you said, I am sad for what I struggle so hard for. 

On a side note, a coworker gave out coupons for a local restaurant. She said "I know you're not a mom but you can still go out to dinner." I k ow she meant well and has no idea what I'm struggling with because we are not close like that. I smiled and said thank you, but as she left I felt the tears threatening to spill over. It felt like a huge reminder that I am broken even though she didn't mean it that way. 

funkykey

ugh @eranvo27 - I don't ever feel like I'm "broken", but I have friends who have felt that way about IF, and it sounds like it would suck. Nobody is perfect, everyone has problems, and I think it's really cool that you are pressing forward with your life in spite of the sh*tty hand you've been dealt with this. 

I hope you use those coupons and have a great dinner, and that you get waited on hand and foot!

eranvo27

@funkykey Thank you for making me smile!!! And I only feel broken because I don't ovulate at all. Its been 266 days now. I am waiting to get a second opinion but my appt isn't until July. 

mandilyn1127

@eranvo27 This is a struggle that I am not sure ever gets easier, but it is completely normal and valid to have those feelings. You just have to try to keep your head up and not let the people with what seems like unusually lucky fertility rain on your mood.

You are starting that new job and moving forward with your path, so stay strong. Now go get yourself some well deserved grub and try to put a smile on your face.

Sending hugs! 

msstephanielynn

@eranvo27 - I understand what you are feeling. But had you talked to me last year? I would have had no clue and probably said some pretty insensitive things, that I didn't know would impact you. I think it takes a lot to walk in these IF shoes and one can't truly understand going through this until you're in it. I've found so much compassion and help on this board and I think it truly helps to vent these valid feelings to those that are going through it as well  

Charligirl28

That is rough. I have found that when you want something so badly it feels like everyone around you has it. I don't know why but as soon as I started trying it felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant, pregnancy EVERYWHERE! What helps me is complaining with my husband. I know it is awful of me but whenever I find out someone I know is pregnant I go home and tell him and we complain about the unfairness of it all over a glass of wine. The jealousy does not just magically go away and it really helps to have someone be like hey you are jealous and that is okay. That does not make you a bad person. It makes you human.

Charligirl28

Then I "pull up my big girl panties" lol and go on with life. Because even though it is understandably upsetting it isn't my fault and it isn't the person i'm jealous of's fault. It is just life and life isn't always fair.

Asampson87

I'm definitely late replying but I'm new here and wanted to say I completely understand how you all are feeling. My best friend started trying about six-eight months after we did and got pregnant first go. And here we are still struggling along.  I can't help but be jealous of her.  I'm obviously happy for her and excited for them but I'm just incredibly sad for us.  

Both my husband and I have worked hard and have good jobs and a solid healthy relationship and could provide a loving home to a baby and it's so hard to not feel like life is slapping you when you hear of people (like a family friend) who get accidentally pregnant twice and neither she or her partner have jobs and their relationship is incredibly rocky but yet they get two beautiful girls only 16 months apart.

Anyway I'm not saying anything you all haven't felt before- sorry for the late to the party vent fest here.

The only semi piece of advice I guess I can add that I'm trying to focus on actually came from my husband.. he said "everyone has struggles and this happens to be ours.. just because other people seem to have things so much easier you don't know what their struggle in life is" so I'm trying to remember that while it's not fair and it sucks that he's right and everyone has struggles and are fighting battles I know nothing about.