At my wits end — The Bump
May 2012 Moms

At my wits end

This may not be the right board to post this on but I just need to vent somewhere to someone. My marriage, if one can call it that, is on the rocks. I am sick and tired of playing mommy to this man. We've been together over 10 years, the first 5 years I catered to this man as if he was a god. I worshipped him. I'd been in love with him since I was 14, although he's 13 years older (nothing happened ever) until 10 years later when we got together when I was 24 and he 37. I had just bought an apt and had a great job. He was living in a rented room and working a part time job. BIG RED FLAGS that I saw but ignored. How naive was I to think he would become financially responsible? During those first 5 years we lived together but he didn't pay into anything in the house. Maybe groceries here and there. But never mortgage or maintenance or cable. I thought (stupidly I now know) that this was ok because it would help him save and catch up on his bills. But he did not save. Even when I was unemployed for 8 months, he did not give me a dollar although he had a full time job. I paid for everything from my unemployment checks. HUGE RED FLAG. I still married him. And had a kid with him. She is now 5 years old. Last year, year he finally semi-manned up and paid half the mortgage. After 10 years living for free. And he still has no savings. And nothing in checking. Owns nothing but his car. Has purchased NOTHING in the house with the exception of 1 TV. He's now been unemployed since early December. He claims he was traumatized the first 2 months (he's a truck driver and the truck jack knifed) so he didn't look for a job. OK. Fine. But it's not been another 3 months and nothing. I get home from work and this man is reclined on my couch watching tv. 2-3 times a week he'll have cooked, and that's about it. If he hasn't cooked he'll ask why I don't just cook. Well because I'm not going to get out of my full time job, to go pick up our daughter to then go home and cook when a man has been sitting around all day doing nothing. He won't pick our daughter up from school - my parents take care of that, even though he's home doing nothing. I come home to a sink full of dishes, his clothes everywhere and him watching Family Feud as if nothing is wrong. If I mention the fact that he's done nothing all day, he gets defensive, as he did this morning when I asked him when he's going to get around to putting the living room tv up (which I just purchased- although he picked it out) his response was "am I your slave?" Seriously. I asked him if he thinks this is fair, for me to be carry everything on my own while he just hangs around and he got defensive like "oh, i don't do anything?" very sarcastically. Apparently he thinks cooking 2-3 times a week is pulling his weight. I realize this is all mostly my fault, for allowing it in the first place, for not seeing the red flags, for marrying him anyway and then having a child with this type of person. I feel so embarrassed. I have no idea why I've put up with any of this when i come from a home where my father always provided. How'd I end up with a man so comfortable being maintained by a woman? Has he no shame? Where is his pride? His male ego? I've tried to keep the peace for my daughter to have both parents around, but is it even worth it, if what she's seeing is one parent miserable because the other parent is a bum? The last thing he said to me this morning was that he can't wait to get a job so he doesn't have to hear my mouth. Shouldn't he be anxious to get a job so he can provide for his family? Or even himself at this point? I feel so alone because I can't tell any family or friends about this situation - it's too embarrassing for me. 
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