"Mixed" babies

AMCsquared

I know you're not supposed to use the term "mixed" but there are many categories to include here! Will your baby be in a home that is interrracial, interfaith, or intercultural? 

 

Let's start a thread where we can get to know each other and also add posts throughout our pregnancy about any related struggles/funny moments we go through.

And if you don't fit into any of these categories, please join anyway! Feel free to ask any questions about things that are new to you or join the conversation. Let's learn from each other! Sharing is caring. 

Some ice breaker questions to start us off:

Of which culture/race/religion are you and your DH?

What challenges do you think about your children facing related to this?

What benefits do you forsee your children having related to this?

Are you blending? Or going to use one over the other?

Any funny story you can share?

afternoonduck

We are both probably about as boring as it could possibly be (white, middle-class, Christian...), but I would love to lurk, follow, and learn. Inter-racial and inter-cultural was a conversation we were having when we were investigating adoption.

jackiesmom324

I'm black with ancestry from west africa, enslaved Africans from the US south and north africa.. My hubby is 1/4 Portuguese 1/4 German and rest USA European mix.. 

I'm afraid as we will be moving soon to deeep south or Midwest and yes I'm afraid.. 

jackiesmom324

What is your background @AMCsquared

acgonzalez22

Of which culture/race/religion are you and your DH? I don't really think of us as mixed or a blended family but I guess we are. DH is full Puerto Rican (he came here 12 years ago when we met) and I am white/full Italian. We are culturally different but religiously the same (Catholic).

What challenges do you think about your children facing related to this? I haven't seen my husband face many issues being Hispanic other than slight racisms and don't foresee DS and whatever this baby is having any issues as well. I believe it is how we teach our children to accept all kinds no matter how someone may treat you that makes a difference.

What benefits do you forsee your children having related to this? DH is bilingual and so is DS. I have seen DH thrive because of this in his work and my children will too.

Are you blending? Or going to use one over the other? Once my children are old enough they can choose if they identify more as Hispanic or white. For medical purposes, I mark Hispanic for DS because certain diseases and genetics are tested due to race.

Any funny story you can share? Not really funny, but my DS is dark skinned. When he was 3 months old our waitress said " what a beautiful mixed baby." I replied, "he's a beautiful boy, mixed is unnecessary." She apologized. 

jlemons-2

@jackiesmom324 I live in Iowa and I think my generation is much much better than before. I will admit there is a huge mix in my specific area though. Those small towns can be a different story. 

vvitchhazel

@jackiesmom324 I'm from the Midwest (Wisconsin) and I agree with @jlemons-2... Some small towns might have backwards views, but I haven't seen a lot of racism. I say this as a white woman, but we do have black friends and I believe they'd say the same. There's always going to ignorant assholes, but that's true wherever you are. In general, however, I don't think it's bad here. 

I was actually surprised to hear that people who don't live in the Midwest assume Midwesterners are close minded and kind of backwards. I have a gay friend who lives on the West coast who was looking into relocating, but was worried about her family. I think the majority of Midwesterners are actually very warm, inviting, and accepting.

thatblondechik

Interesting topic.

I think my boyfriend and I would fall into the interfaith category here. Tho he's not devout or practicing he is Catholic. I am an Atheist. It's recently come up in conversation whether or not we will have our child baptized. Obviously I was quick to say no. I'm not against the idea of my child being religious later in life when they're able to make those decisions themselves but I'm VERY against the idea of what I consider indoctrination.
Raised Catholic myself (baptized, Communion, Catholic Schools, confirmed) I never felt connected to it at all and I HATED it. Once I reached about 17 I realized I didn't believe in any of that and it's been easier to make sense of the world since.
He seemed much more on the fence about religion and our child. I'm also concerned his family will pressure me to baptize and I am VERY against it.
Being a first time mom...this is a bit scary for me.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent!

PS...how in the H-E-double hockey sticks do I change my username from the generic one?

acgonzalez22

@knottie3ede3e9293039918 Though we did baptize DS, the issues and pressure from our family's came with the timing. DH's wanted it right away and my parents wanted the same Church where I was baptized and raised. It could have became a shit show bec as a FTM, I was letting everyone get to me. Moral being, you and your boyfriend know what is best for YOUR child. Once you learn to say no once it becomes so much easier IMO. Being a team as parents is overwhelming in the beginning but keeping communication open and trying to keep emotions at bay is what helped us. 

MJDsquared

@knottie3ede3e9293039918 You have to go to theknot.com to change it!

We're in the same boat as knottie (tagged above). DH is Catholic (though not practicing) and I'm an Atheist. We were married in the Catholic church because DH's dad is a deacon and he can only officiate in a church.
I actually just asked DH yesterday if he wanted to baptize the LO. My family lives in the PNW (where we live too), and DH's family lives in the CA Bay Area. I think we might baptize in CA, because his dad could perform it and my family probably wouldn't be too interested in coming (and if they were, they could fly in for it).
However, we wouldn't be doing the rest of it (communion, confirmation, etc) because we don't go to church.

stillclever17

I am an atheist and DH is not religious. He hasn't fully committed to atheism, so I think he still has some of that fear of damnation that religion instilled in him as a kid. Our kids will not have that fear. DH's family varies from casual believers to hardcore bible thumpers. I am very concerned about how things will shake out with family when our kids don't go to church or know about worshipping "god". My kids will be exposed to all kinds of faiths and cultures, so they can understand more about the word and ultimately decide for themselves. Ultimately I believe that organized religion (particularly christianity) is harmful for so many reasons that I won't get into now. I've never shared this belief with DH's family, so it will be interesting and scary to see if it ends up being a conversation we have to have (i.e. If SIL wants to take my kid to church with her every Sunday since we're clearly not doing it- umm no). At this point I think they just assume we are casual believers. It will be an interesting conversation.

stillclever17

@AMCsquared I'm guessing you'd get more takers for this thread if you changed the title to something. More all encompassing like "multi racial/cultural/religious families" instead of "mixed babies" which applies to less people. Just my two cents. 

ohmickey331

Of which culture/race/religion are you and your DH? I am Jewish (Polish,Russian and Israeli) DH is Catholic-non practicing (Irish and English)

What challenges do you think about your children facing related to this? My MIL has started problems our entire relationship and things got worse when my DS was born as we are technically a Jewish household. Too many stores about her to tell.

What benefits do you forsee your children having related to this? My children will learn to be accepting of others religions and races.

Are you blending? Or going to use one over the other? We raise our children Jewish

Any funny story you can share?

jackiesmom324

@vvitchhazel we may have to agree to disagree about my anxiety on this one.. I've lived all over the us and unfortunately have had bad experiences everywhere and those regions I had some of my worst. This is not to say all my experiences are bad in these places but those related to being a black woman or in an interracial relationship were not always positive. I can only speak to my experience as a person living in a black skinned body.. I do hope for the best.

Just a word of caution I think maybe you were trying to help me feel less anxious but instead I just felt like my perspective was completely thrown out. I would hope you could give someone like me the benefit of the doubt to speak the truth of my experience that you really can never know just as I can really never know your experience. 

stillclever17

@jackiesmom324 I live in a red state in the Midwest, and I can definitively say that there are a lot of racist pieces of shit living here (that's become especially apparent since the election). Your concerns are absolutely valid, so I hate that others' good intentions made you feel like they weren't. On the other hand, there are always open minded and kind people here too. You'll find the good ones, but I'm genuinely sorry you also have to deal with the shitty ones. 

jackiesmom324

Thanks @stillclever17 I appreciate that very much I hope wherever I end up has more people who think the way you think.. At the end of the day life can be so hard I do not understand why we sometimes make it harder for one another 

vvitchhazel

@jackiesmom324 I'm not black, I've not experienced the hardships you have and I'm sorry you've had poor experiences in the Midwest... But I also believe it's unfair to generalize our locations as being intolerant of the black community. Your perspective was not just thrown out, @jlemons-2 and I were trying to say that there isn't extremism where we live. Perhaps if you're feeling this way and have all this anxiety about living in the deep South or the Midwest, you should reconsider relocating to these places? Why move somewhere that you're biased against for being biased against you?

Edited for spelling

jackiesmom324

@vvitchhazel not all of us have the privilege to choose where we live. And yeah you are doubling down on your point and not ready trying to see where I'm coming from so I'm not sure how productive this is.. Unfortunately if racism was just a problem of a few bad apples we wouldn't have the systemic problems we have as a result of it.. I want to challenge you to consider if you're approach is ultimately going to make that problem better or worse and if it's going to lead to dialogue or not. 

Furthermore I never said as a blanket statement that the entire Midwest and entire deep south is composed of racial extremists, perhaps that was your interpretation but it was never stated as such. 

acgonzalez22

@jackiesmom324 I don't think your view was thrown out at all. You made a generalization that stated "I am afraid." You didn't validate that with reason or examples. I feel @vvitchhazel was simply saying she feels the opposite being where she is from and supported her statements to try to make you feel at ease. I don't think they were dismissive at all. However your thoughts are definitely valid and welcomed. I genuinely feel for anyone that has endured a hardship due to race or any other discrimination. 

Personally, my husband has to travel to the Midwest a ton and has found both sides of the spectrum dependant on area. I hope wherever you end up is full of great exeperiences for you and your family!

vvitchhazel

@jackiesmom324 Fair enough. You're right on many points, but I am trying to see where you're coming from. And I apologize if I misinterpreted what you were saying. I guess my biggest concern for you is moving somewhere that instills fear in you for you and your family. In general, I feel like choosing where we live is one privilege we can control. I'm sorry if it's out of your hands.

jackiesmom324

@acgonzalez22 I'm happy for you that you may never have to fear moving to a whole region due to the chance you may fear for your family's safety. I do and have had enough experiences to back it up.. At the end of the day there is a greater danger for certain people living in certain parts of the country than others.. That's my reality and I'm honestly dissappointed in the fact that you can't seem to wrap your mind around that my experience may be different from yours as I walk through the world in a different space than you do. Contrary to being reassuring it just serves to further alienate. 

vvitchhazel

Also a recommendation to you @jackiesmom324, please make note when you edit your posts. You added a lot more of an explanation after I responded, which in turn made my response seem much more insensitive, I feel. If you have something you want to add, say ETA: (edited to add) and then continue. It can be construed as manipulative and in my opinion, it's on par with a dirty delete.

vvitchhazel

And honestly @jackiesmom324 , at this point I feel like you're just picking a fight where we're trying to be understanding and helpful. Saying that you're disappointed that @acgonzalez22 can't wrap her mind around your experience is super unfair. Of course we all have different experiences, but you're being very dismissive of our sympathies and kind of turning them around on us.

acgonzalez22

@jackiesmom324 At the end of the day, you are allowed to feel however you feel. Enjoy your Sunday!
ETA :allowed

jackiesmom324

Thanks @vvitchhazel very much.. I really hope I meet open-minded people where I end up and I appreciate your understanding it means a whole lot! Cheers! Here's to hoping for a good move, friendly neighbors and all that jazz! If hubby and I can avoid people throwing things at us, refusing to serve/rent to us or seat us, following us or make rude comments about my hair skin color or that of my family I will be happy! I wish all that and more for this little one growing inside me. For example one place we may be placed is south Carolina  "South Carolina was the second-to-last state to get rid of its interracial marriage ban in 1998, with 38 percent voting against doing so. "



Source 
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/news/the-fix/wp/2015/02/09/alabama-was-a-final-holdout-on-desegregation-and-interracial-marriage-it-could-happen-again-on-gay-marriage/

vvitchhazel

Wow. Loving the attitude here.

vvitchhazel

jackiesmom324 said:

Thanks @vvitchhazel very much.. I really hope I meet open-minded people where I end up and I appreciate your understanding it means a whole lot! Cheers! Here's to hoping for a good move, friendly neighbors and all that jazz! If hubby and I can avoid people throwing things at us, refusing to serve/rent to us or seat us, following us or make rude comments about my hair skin color or that of my family I will be happy! I wish all that and more for this little one growing inside me. For example one place we may be placed is south Carolina  "South Carolina was the second-to-last state to get rid of its interracial marriage ban in 1998, with 38 percent voting against doing so. "



Source 
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/news/the-fix/wp/2015/02/09/alabama-was-a-final-holdout-on-desegregation-and-interracial-marriage-it-could-happen-again-on-gay-marriage/

tamalahoops

As an outsiders perspective @vvitchhazel you actually seem to be the one with the attitude and the qfp was unnecessary. 

vvitchhazel

@tamalahoops QFP felt a little necessary when she's edited a previous post to suit her needs. Yes, I have an attitude towards someone who is attacking people who are trying to be understanding and helpful.

jackiesmom324

@vvitchhazel I actually genuinely meant it and posted it to say thanks.. I was typing that before I saw anything else you wrote further down.. I was just thanking you for trying to see my perspective.. I'm not trying to start a fight as this forum is my stress relief please have a wonderful night 

vvitchhazel

@jackiesmom324 To me, it read as hard sarcasm. If that wasn't your intention, I apologize again. I don't want a ton of drama either, I just legitimately felt slighted. Clearly we can agree to disagree, but I really only meant well for you and your family and I hope you can find somewhere welcoming to your family, especially for the sake of your little one.

Amber_Waves

@jackiesmom324  I hope that if you do have to move, you find a place you feel safe.  I'm a white woman who has lived in the midwest most of her life and can tell you that the bullsh*t that comes out of other white folks' mouth is quite different depending on where you live, even at small distances.  I was in Ann Arbor, Michigan for 10 years and most of the people there are not just passively anti-racism, they are actively anti-racism.  I now live 10 miles outside town and there's a neighbor who displays a confederate flag and everyone just thinks it is "quirky."  Ugh. 

Anyway...
1. Of which culture/race/religion are you and your DH?
Let's just put it this way, while DH and I are both white and our parents are all alive, due to divorce and remarriage, our child will have 6 grandparents: 4 grandfathers, 2 grandmothers  In the bunch are a couple of gay guys, an Arab, a devout Catholic, a Jew, a Buddist, an 1st-gen immigrant, an African-American, and some generic agnotic-ish Christian-ish white folks.

2. What challenges do you think about your children facing related to this?
None.  But I'm open to surprises. 

3. What benefits do you foresee your children having related to this?
Our child will have all the benefits of having a diverse family that they love and that loves them.  There's a super-decent chance of them being a woke-a$$ snowflake and not sucking at life.

4. Are you blending? Or going to use one over the other?

Our family members will always be welcome to speak their truth to our child and we will attend the diverse holiday celebrations we do now. We'll be raising him/her without any expectation of conforming to a specific religion or culture.

5. Any funny story you can share?

babypi

@jackiesmom324 As someone who moves around a lot without any say in where we go next, I understand the struggle and worry over family safety and security. While we don't have to worry about racism (though I'm of Native descent, I'm pretty fair-skinned), we've ended up in some rough places and could always be sent somewhere worse. So I wish you the best of luck in your upcoming move. I hope you end up in an area that you find to be safe and inclusive for your family. The alternative can be pretty scary. 

DLpanda08

Interesting topic... 
DH and I are both white, but our DS and DD are relatively dark skinned Hispanic children. Being their mom has opened my eyes a lot to issues I was completely ignorant to prior to last summer when they moved in. We actually changed churches because my kids were uncomfortable attending Mass where they were two of only a handful of people of color. 

I am a practicing Catholic, but I'm pretty much the only one in the house who practices. Neither DD or DS were raised with much church involvement and the Catholic Church can be a bit overwhelming if you weren't raised in it (I know because I converted as an adult and totally felt overwhelmed at first). Neither of the kids have been baptized and that weighs really heavily on my heart, but I refuse to force it on them. Our new LO will be baptized as soon as possible after he/she is born and will be attending Mass with me until he/she is old enough to choose otherwise. 

My my biggest worry is how DD and DS will react and adjust to the idea of us having a biological child. We have been open with them about our path to adoption and they know that doctors told us it would never happen. I'm nervous they will think we lied to them about that. I'm actually discussing when/how to tell the kids they're getting a sibling with our family therapist.

stillclever17

@jackiesmom324 I sent you a PM.

rainbowdashh

@jackiesmom324 I really hope wherever you end up is somewhere you feel comfortable. Especially with the current political climate, I imagine you must feel particularly uneasy. Racism is everywhere, but white people are able overlook things that others can't. I live in so cal, we're a blue state, but we still have things to work on.

ETA: her concerns were waived aside by saying "well I'm from xyz and that's now how it is here". It's basically saying her own experiences are invalid and that really sucks.

jlemons-2

rainbowdashh said:

ETA: her concerns were waived aside by saying "well I'm from xyz and that's now how it is here". It's basically saying her own experiences are invalid and that really sucks.

I REALLY did not mean to say that. I was just trying to be there for her by stating our diverse population where I live. I am sorry and now regret my comment. @jackiesmom324 I know what it means to be white, I don't want to make you feel that I was discounting your feelings. 

rainbowdashh

@jlemons-2 I totally get it. I think it's normal to want to defend yourself or where you live. 

PoeMasque

@jackiesmom324 thank you for not being afraid to speak up. My SO's family and my dad both live in Wisconsin and the few "token" black people that they know there, who may or may not feel accepted, certainly do not mean it is a tolerant place. How any white person can claim that they know how a minority feels or state that a place is safe, open-minded, or accepting of minorities is beyond me. I am a white woman with black hair and tan skin, people often think I am "mixed" or a minority, but I'm not. Even being the recipient of some racists comments I would never imagine to know how it feels to actually be a minority because when I look at magazines, TV shows, movies, etc, I see myself represented. i see white people being successful and treated with respect by the healthcare community. I have never felt like I didn't belong, so how could I possibly know what it feels like to be a minority in any place. 

This video broke my heart and really opened my eyes. It is why any minority should be scared. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tkpUyB2xgTM

also - Milwaukee, Wisconsin has some of the highest infant mortality rates in the country - for black babies (up to 1 year). The reason: racism. https://www.thenation.com/article/whats-killing-americas-black-infants/

jackiesmom324

Thanks @jlemons-2, @rainbowdashh,  @stillclever17 @babypi @Amber_Waves ... for your support.. It means alot. I can't tell you how much it means to feel validated or at the very least heard. I also appreciate the intention of trying to make me feel better.. With support like this and my real friends I'm sure my little family will be ok no matter what happens!! 

LittleKick

My partner and I are both white but I'm from the uk and my husband is from America the benefits of this are that my children have duel citizenship so can live in either country when their older without needing a visa