Advice for transitioning to SAHM

psherman42wwsa

Now that baby #2 is going to be arriving, my husband and I are strongly considering that I leave my full time job to stay at home for a couple years. Although the idea sounds exciting it makes me a little nervous. Is anyone else making this transition when their LO arrives? or anyone who made the transition already have any advice?

 I'm questioning a lot of things... am I going to be resentful toward my husband because he will be out of the house while I am at home cooking, cleaning and raising children from sun up to sun down? how am I going to make sure that my toddler (almost 2) is learning enough and being socialized while I have a newborn? also, any tips on how to save money on things? I currently shop freely and like I've mentioned before, I have packages arriving daily! my lifestyle is definitely going to have to change... I know at the end of the day I will be so happy that I am able to enjoy this precious time with my little's but I know there is definitely going to be an adjustment period.

erinh2005

These are all great questions! The fact that you have thought about all of these things including your mental health is encouraging that you'll have no trouble making the transition if that's what you decide! I went back to work after my full Ca maternity leave while DH was applying to jobs/interviewing. So I returned to work at 5mo. pp and he was offered a job right around the time she turned 8mo. so at that point we switched back and I became a full time sahm. We also moved to a new city where we knew no one so luckily a few months in we made friends and had formed our own mommy group so we met up weekly which was a big help in keeping some sense of normalcy and not feeling trapped at home with baby. As far as not feeling resentment toward DH I'll admit there have been moments but that's more to do with me feeling like I don't get a break so it was extremely helpful if he would encourage me to even be able to run to a store by myself once a week or so even though I'd feel guilty it made a huge difference in feeling like a person. As far as having a toddler and a newborn I have no idea! (Worried about this too so I plan on using all the ladies here for advice!) And from the money saving standpoint I'm embarrassed to say I still struggle with that because I was in the boat of "buying whatever whenever" for years since I had my career and still haven't completely made the switch to thrifty! But I also know this time is precious so we make the sacrifices we need (no cable, a junky second car etc.) to ensure I can stay home with them and I know it's not forever and I'll likely be re-entering the workforce once this LO goes to school. 

slowmo

SAHM to a 2.5-year-old here. It's tough, no lie, and I am anxious about being home with two. Here are some things that helped me:
- Sit down with husband and make a budget based on one salary to get a clear idea of how finances are going to work. Be as realistic as possible. I wasn't in the beginning and stressed all the time time about spending. The fact is you are still going to need to buy stuff for yourself, necessary items and the occasional treat, so you need to account for that. What worked for us was setting up a monthly transfer from his account to mine with an amount we settled on together that would cover grocery shopping, bills in my name, gas, discretionary spending, etc. It took a while and a few adjustments, but that system is working well for us now.
- Try to keep a schedule and get out of the house. Look for story times, drop-in play centers, play dates with local moms, convenient playgrounds, etc. I aim to get us out of the house in the morning, and then we tend to stick around the house in the afternoon post-nap. Try to connect with other SAHMs. Adult socialization keeps me from going insane!
- I definitely have moments of resentment toward my husband. He gets out of the house, looks nice every day, and goes on business lunches/dinners while I often don't get to shower or have a meal that isn't part toddler scraps. Taking time for myself is something I struggle with constantly, but I'm trying to be better at self-care.
- On that topic: He doesn't work 24/7, and neither should you. We still break up the housework and bedtime duties. 
- We do Fresh Direct for most groceries and Amazon for diapers. Helps with budgeting and cuts down on annoying trips to the store with the kiddos.

Good luck on making your decision! It's hard, but I don't have any regrets.

Jens_Hoes

I can't speak to a lot of what you asked because I'm not a SAHM, but my SIL is.  
They have very clear distinctions of what each person should do and is responsible for.  This helps them not be (as) resentful towards one another because they have already pre-discussed and agreed upon what they expect/hope out of one another.  
As for being stuck at home, she also does library classes or things at the local YMCA to help her older children socialize with other children. 
As for saving money, I recently cut my cable last year, and I don't miss it one bit.  We have a Roku tv, and I pay for two streaming channels, and that is really all we need.  Saves us about $100 a month.  My SIL started an Etsy shop to help her with extra money (which then spurred me to start an Etsy shop of my own for my own extra money lol) but she also helps out and watches other children during the day.  If you know of anyone local who needs day care for a few hours a day or so, that could be a benefit to you.

vrj0522

All great advice above. One thing that I would recommend at this point is to start living on his salary only as much as you can already. That way you can practice and make adjustments while still having your salary, even if only for a few more weeks. 

I coupon and find that grocery money goes a lot farther that way.  

I also recommend finding friends, relatives, a mommy group to get together with for play dates, etc. It makes the biggest difference when you can have regular adult interaction. 

SKZW

These are really great questions, and a great topic in general. I'm sure there will be helpful info given here! I have a bunch of thoughts in my head but I'll tackle the money part first. 

You're right about the lifestyle changing but cut yourself some slack and don't expect overnight changes. Adjustment will take a few months before you're into a new rhythm. If you make the switch to SAHM, the good news is that the assiciated "job" costs go down, which will help balance out the lowered income. For example, your car: less fuel in the car, less mileage, less oil changes and maintenace... your food: less buying lunches, more making your own meals/coffee drinks at home instead of going out... your wardrobe: I bet you could cut out hundreds in new clothing over that first year, by going for "comfy casual" workhorse pieces over "office fancy" items, less dry cleaning bills... no having to pitch in those small expenses that add up when in an office/other formal work environment, like so-and-so's birthday present, or gift for the boss, or after work drinks, or quick stop at a vending machine/convenience store, pitching in food/money for work events, all of those things...

My point being, you'll save a bunch of money right off the bat by not being in a formal work place. As far as the "I'm used to buying lots of things because I'm financially able to," you should really consider & decide (on a case by case basis) which purchases are needs vs. wants. Have this ongoing convo with yourself on a regular basis (and your hubbs!). Create and stick to a budget (also together with him). Maybe also decide on a monthly amount for "other" and then spend that however you want to; that way, you don't feel like the only shopping you're doing is groceries and basic needs, if that makes sense. Everyone needs some fun money!

The resentment of carrying the burden of managing house, raising children, and sacrificing part of your lifestyle: this too needs to be an ongoing, open convo with your hubbs. They aren't mindreaders! If you feel stuck, say something! If you want to go get your shopping on some Saturday (alone!) then talk about what your spirit needs to feel re-energized. Even an hour alone can help. Again, great topic... and give yourself a few months (or 6, or 9) for everything to be sorted out, and realize there may be hiccups along the way. You'll do great!! @erinh2005  was right, you're already thinking about these things, so you're off to a great start!!

RainyDays86

I'm also transitioning to SAHM when this baby is born so I'm following! 

I haven't done it long, long term, but I stayed home for the first 7 months of DS's life and it was rough. I definitely echo what other people say about getting a schedule going. I didn't really know what I was getting into and didn't realize how much I would need routine and reasons to get out of the house. I ended up finding some mom groups and scheduled activities and once I did that it got much, much easier. 

livin541

Yes, thank you for starting this thread! I'm not planning on going to work after maternity leave either. As the primary income for our family, it's a little scary... both financially and knowing what a difficult transition it can be emotionally. I do feel better knowing there will be a few of us in this boat! 

I will probably only be home for about a year, but we are definitely flexible to see how it goes and how much we are dipping into our savings. Any current SAHMs leave a long term career? I've been with my company for 15 years, so I'm a little worried about losing my "identity" that I've had for so long even though I couldn't be more thrilled to get more time with my kiddos. 

jayandaplus

Thank you for starting this thread @lrwardrop. I'll be transitioning to mostly SAHM (I'll work every other weekend, or 4 days a month). I think my hardest hurdle is not being independent with money. But I think as long as your husband knows it's an adjustment, there may be better weeks/months than others, and that you still need a little play money, it can be a partnership. I'm all about the mommy groups and getting out, but I think that can be harder to accomplish depending on where you live. My tactic I'm telling myself is not be afraid to leave the house with a newborn-- whether it's to run an errand, meet up with a friend, or go on a stroller stride.

Good luck! Thank you to everyone who is giving great advice!

psherman42wwsa

Thanks everyone for some great advice. @livin541 I don't necessarily have a long term career but I have worked my way up and it does worry me thinking about returning to work and having to start over.

mamatowildones

First off, how awesome that you have this option! I can tell you that I personally felt it was worth every sacrifice we had to make. I cannot imagine life any other way. It is still hard after 4 years to balance it out financially and with DH but you learn and grow and it just works. As far as resentment toward DH, I'm not sure resentment is the right word for what we have personally experienced. I am beyond proud of and grateful toward my DH for working so hard so that we can have this opportunity. Sometimes it's hard when he comes home after a long day and he gets to have fun with the kids for an hour or 2 before bed and I've been going nonstop until they're asleep. However, you need to have open communication about your needs and expectations. For example, for us, if DH is home before dinner he takes charge and keeps the boys entertained until dinner is ready. Then we eat as a family and after dinner he does baths and PJs while I clean up. Bedtime is both of us as well. This honestly took a few years to figure out and now I'm very happy with it. Weekends are kind of a free for all and DH has gotten better at recognizing which situations work best with just his involvement or both of ours. I promise you'll get a groove going. Once you're home for awhile you need to communicate about what you need his help with and how you want him to help. My DH told me once that it took him awhile to realize that even though he was working all day, his most important job started when he got home.
  You'll do great with the toddler and newborn. It just takes some time to get a routine going. Library story time and playdates with friends are the best for the sibling and then the newbie is just along for the ride.

Money is a constant balance in our house. We look at our budget every few months and reevaluate where we are. It just takes time. We definitely had to change our habits. And when I say we, I mean me. DH isn't spending. He's at work and so he occasionally get a cup of coffee or lunch. But ultimately it's me that is out at Target or wherever spending money on things that we don't necessarily need. Weekends and eating out during the week were our biggest adjustment. We changed it so that we eat at home Monday thru Friday and once or twice on the weekends we eat out. If we do special outings it is usually something small like the local zoo or something like that. DH used to handle the accounts and bill paying but I have since realized that it is much less stressful for me to keep an eye on it and know where we are every week. That way I can see, ok we need to reign it in this month, or wow we are doing great lets put some extra money in savings. It is a constant balance but it works itself out if you take the time to keep on top of it. We also stopped using our credit cards and now that has saved us $300 in monthly credit card payments. We have one car payment because DH drives my old car to and from work and thats all he needs from it. 

Honestly it is priceless to be home with your kids and I wouldn't change it for anything. Some days are really tough and you need to remember to take care of yourself too!! It's very important that your DH realizes how hard you work also. That recognition goes a long way in gearing up for a hard week too! 

bacorrea

I really echo what everyone says. A
budget will really help. DH and I are trying to pay off debt so we do the cash system and literally budget everything, from groceries, to dog food, to fun money.

I am putting DD in a MDO program for the fall, so she will be there two times a week from 9:30-2:30. The church I am doing MDO offers just one day a
week too, if you have it in your budget I would look into something like that! It would give you one on one time with new baby plus times that you could
grocery shop with just one kid. Plus your toddler will get socialization. Do y'all go to church? DD got
so much socialization at our last church because I taught a class during the week and then on Sundays she was there for 2 hours. I was
never worried about her socializing. Even if you don't attend a church, I know at my last church a ton of people in the community did MDO or MOPS. (MDO is a drop off pre-preschool basically and MOPS is where you would stay at the church but the kids are in daycare type setting and you would meet other Mom, hear a lesson, etc.) 

Life is a little different for us because military and there are weeks DH isn't home at all, but I think it's good to just always be open about how you are feeling. DH is great about taking care of DD when he is home and I can go catch a movie with my bff. There are times I still get frustrated though, but I think if weekly I can get away (even just for a hour) it makes a difference. Honestly one of my favorite things to do is go grocery shopping at night all
by myself. DH takes care of bedtime and I can grocery shop in peace! 

In regards to schedule we normally wake up and I let DD watch a hour of tv at most while
eating breakfast while I shower/wake up/drink coffee. This worked for us because I could sit her in my bed with the tv and shower in our master bath with the door open. Then we normally play outside all morning (between kiddie pool, water table, outside toys, trampoline, sandbox, DD has more than enough to entertain herself). Then we did lunch and ran errands in the afternoon (if needed) or had play dates/park/pool/etc. 

Are you able to use your maternity leave as a "trial run" my one friend hated being a SAHM and ended up going back to work. I think it's important to know that it's ok if you feel that way and want to go back to work.

pshaortao

I became a SAHM with DD. My entire income would have gone straight to daycare if I kept working, and I'm already such a homebody so it was an easy decision.

>Budgeting. Know your spending style. We don't really keep track because we're frugal to begin with. I already love good deals (if you can't tell from the deal thread ha), couponing, etc. I prefer to stock up on things (like buy 4 toiletry products, get a $5 gc, while stacking with coupons etc). Same goes for meat (since they can be frozen) if there's a good sale. All that can really go a long way. We have more recently started keeping track how much is coming in and out these days since we bought our house, since we're spending a lot lately on things we never needed until becoming homeowners, just to make sure we still have more coming in than out.

> Figure out expectations WITH your DH. This will reduce any resentment. There might be some, and that's okay. When they happen, talk about it, don't hold it in. But definitely don't start off as a SAHM before having conversations with your DH. I remember we talked about it before DD was born. He still does his fair share around the house and he did always did bath/bedtime then hand her off to me to nurse her until she passed out. I do my best to maintain the condition of the kitchen/house, but it's okay to have a day here or there to let it go. It was also important to us that he participated in something with her daily so he could have a good relationship with her from the start instead of leaving it all up to me. Now at 2.5 yo, she looks forward to having her time with him each evening (she's SUCH a daddy's girl), although we have started to alternate bedtime.

> Get out. That was the hardest part for me. I was such a homebody until 6 months while DH was at work. Then I finally started taking DD out with me to do errands. I would spread the errands out throughout the week so I'd have an excuse to get out. Then after she turned one and got all her necessary vaccinations, I started doing other things with her. Took her to the playground when she started walking. Took her to little gym once a week. And finally after we moved to NC, we started joining events on meetup.com with other kids involved, going to storytime at the library at least once a week, and so on. My biggest regret was not doing more sooner. All that exposure will help with socialization. I'm thinking about doing a MDO program this fall when she turns 3 now that she's slowly starting to show interest in interacting with other kids. 

psherman42wwsa

You ladies bring up a lot of good points, especially about communicating with your partner and making sure we both know who is responsible for what. During my maternity leave were going to see how things go and then decide whether or not I'll return. I have to give a 30 day notice so I'll have a few weeks to see how it's going. 

bacorrea

I just remembered that if your interested in joining a group Stroller Strides is pretty much everywhere I think! Women get together and basically work out using their babies/strollers. That's a great way to
meet friends with kids and get out of the house and exercise! Woo! I've never done it but I have a friend that does it and loves it.

slowmo

@lrwardrop - That's basically what we did, too. I was on the fence about going back after my first baby, but I wanted to give it a shot. It took about a month to make up my mind!

starphish18

bacorrea said:

I just remembered that if your interested in joining a group Stroller Strides is pretty much everywhere I think! Women get together and basically work out using their babies/strollers. That's a great way to
meet friends with kids and get out of the house and exercise! Woo! I've never done it but I have a friend that does it and loves it.

You kind of lost me at "work out". Does this group exist for women that want to get together and push their strollers at a leisurely pace while eating a bear claw?

redheeler

starphish18 said:

bacorrea said:

I just remembered that if your interested in joining a group Stroller Strides is pretty much everywhere I think! Women get together and basically work out using their babies/strollers. That's a great way to
meet friends with kids and get out of the house and exercise! Woo! I've never done it but I have a friend that does it and loves it.

You kind of lost me at "work out". Does this group exist for women that want to get together and push their strollers at a leisurely pace while eating a bear claw?

If it doesn't, it should!

bacorrea

Haha @starphish18 haha no, I think they are moderate in their exercise though. Women of all sizes/experiences are in the groups though! Where I took DD to gymnastics a group met there at the same time. They seem to have fun. I'm pretty sure the first class is free. If you google you can find their website (I think it's fit4mom?) put in your zip code and see if they are near you.

inomniaparatus2

@bacorrea I'm sorta part of that stroller strides. Sorta as in I have gone to their extra curricular events but have never made it/wanted to go to a workout session. They have them every week usually multiple times a week and after some classes do fun activities with the kids. I plan on going and checking it out after 8-12 weeks pp just to see. The women are all really nice and some have infants and others have kids in middle school so it's just a bunch of women getting together working out and I know some go for coffee or tea afterwards. I have gone to their Christmas party and their book club (never read the book) but it's nice to get out and they are a great resource. 

RainyDays86

Stroller strides was such a lifesaver for me! I would highly recommend it for anyone who wants to get a little exercise in but mostly meet other moms.

jayandaplus

Any advice on the transition the first few weeks? Specifically around cleaning, is not having time? DH loves a clean house, as do I, but I'm realistic that it'll be hard to maintain. Suggestions?

inomniaparatus2

@jayandaplus FTM so not much help, but my plan is to see how it goes the first few weeks with DH home and if after awhile we just can't handle it we will hire someone until we can handle it again. 

hp_momma

jayandaplus said:

Any advice on the transition the first few weeks? Specifically around cleaning, is not having time? DH loves a clean house, as do I, but I'm realistic that it'll be hard to maintain. Suggestions?

I have set days for specific things so that I don't get overwhelmed. 
Vacuuming- Monday 
Mopping- Tuesday 
Laundry- Friday's 
Bathrooms- Saturday's (DH helps) 

And then throughout the week i just make sure that the little things are picked up at the end of each day. My kids know that clean-up time happens before we settle down for the night. I can't stand waking up to a messy house, and it's easier for me to keep on my cleaning schedule if I don't have to worry about picking up a huge mess before I can run the vacuum or mop. 

I have also never been the type that "naps when baby naps". But that's just me. So when it's nap time, I'm getting stuff done. My kids can sleep through the vacuum no problem. Are there days when I just completely say "heck no"? Of course! DH knows he has to step up with the cleaning when baby is first home because realistically I need to rest! 

psherman42wwsa

the first few weeks I did most of my housework while baby wearing 

hp_momma

lrwardrop said:

the first few weeks I did most of my housework while baby wearing 

100% this! And cooking dinner. Babywearing for the win! 

starphish18

hp_momma said:

jayandaplus said:

Any advice on the transition the first few weeks? Specifically around cleaning, is not having time? DH loves a clean house, as do I, but I'm realistic that it'll be hard to maintain. Suggestions?

I have set days for specific things so that I don't get overwhelmed. 
Vacuuming- Monday 
Mopping- Tuesday 
Laundry- Friday's 
Bathrooms- Saturday's (DH helps) 
...

Your list puts us to shame. I mop like once a year.

hp_momma

starphish18 said:

hp_momma said:

jayandaplus said:

Any advice on the transition the first few weeks? Specifically around cleaning, is not having time? DH loves a clean house, as do I, but I'm realistic that it'll be hard to maintain. Suggestions?

I have set days for specific things so that I don't get overwhelmed. 
Vacuuming- Monday 
Mopping- Tuesday 
Laundry- Friday's 
Bathrooms- Saturday's (DH helps) 
...

Your list puts us to shame. I mop like once a year.

My mopping is a quick run of the steam mop, and our entire house is hardwood floors, so really I have do more mopping than vacuuming. And let's be honest, 90% of the time mopping is on my "heck no not today!" list. And the upstairs gets mopped like never... 

pshaortao

@jayandaplus
I'm just very play it by ear but have DH know to keep his expectations very low. Some moms bounce back very quickly, some need more time. I personally took awhile to recover plus I had no routine and did not know how to go about getting one established. DH was super great and helpful at maintaining the cleanliness of the apartment after work and on weekends, plus would grocery shop on his eay home. It aldo helped that his job allowed him a lot of flexibility in working from home during the mornings.  His job situation has changed since though but I know that having a established routine with DD already will help force me to get into the swing of things.

starphish18

@hp_momma We really should mop more. We have all hardwood, too. It just gets dingy looking so quickly that it's basically the norm. I should look into a steam mop, I bet I'd do it more often then. It does help a little bit that our dog has learned she has to stop at the door when she comes inside so we can wipe off her feet.

ShadeofGreen816

@starphish18 @hp_momma just a small plug for my favorite household item that is the Bissell Symphony. It's a combo steam mop and has a little vaccuum in front similar to the swiffer vac which is great for dust and little crumbs etc that collect on our laminate. 
Bissell 1132A Symphony All-in-One Vacuum and Steam Mop (4 Mop Pads Included) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KR5UJN6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_mzM-ybR43JFH9

vrj0522

My cleaning definitely slows down after birth and DH has to pick up more of it and even then things don't get cleaned up as often as before baby. I've learned to relax about it. It's a temporary thing until we adjust to our new life with baby and it will eventually get picked up again.

hp_momma

@ShadeofGreen816 What?! How have I not heard about this vacuum/mop combo. Adding it to my
Amazon list... 

Our floors get SO dirty from all the rain/mud we track in and since I have two littles who are still playing on the floor often, I feel like I have to keep it more clean. Especially when I start to see the "dirt marks" on their leggings

inomniaparatus2

I used to vacuum every other day but now I rely on Cindy our Roomba. Lately because we had our floors refinished and you can see all the dog slober I'm tempted to ask DH for a Scooba and then have them go alternate days... yes I'm that lazy. 

SKZW

@SWE2: A roomba, a scooba, and a lawn bot... you're truly going to be outnumbered soon. I'm seriously worried for your safety, what with Skynet taking over your house and all. I'll miss you...