Rough weekend and so confused ***Trigger- mention of a pregnancy****

Irisheyes81

On Tuesday, AF came.  I am coming up on the year mark of TTC and I'm a 35 year old with PCOS.  This month, IUI failed and I was so sure it went well.  I immediately felt denial, then sad and then guilty.  I feel like I'm failing DH and our families.  I don't understand why it didn't work.  I don't understand why it doesn't work for any of us.

Yesterday, DH comes up to me after getting off the phone with his brother and said "I'm going to tell you something but you can't get mad." Always the best way to start a conversation.  He said his brother "knocked up" his sister in law.  I looked at him and said, that's great.  Congratulations.  I'm happy for them.  Yes, my affect was flat but I was ultimately happy for them.  Just like any other announcement, I am glad for others but hope so much that it will happen for us too.  I feel like I get punched in the stomach and, like with every announcement, I fight tears and do the best I can to react the way a mature person would. 

DH went on to say that they were using birth control.  I looked at him and said that there aren't mistakes.  I know too much about the human reproductive system to believe that.  One of the people in that partnership tried or they were at least careless.  It's not a mistake.  Further, children aren't mistakes.  Now, for the rest of their live, I will look at my niece or nephew and know that their parents said they weren't ready and didn't want them.  

I feel like people look at me like I have cancer.  They are so careful all the time and that makes it so much worse.  Apparently, DH's brother said he didn't want to tell us because he didn't want to be 'that guy' that knows how hard we are trying and 'accidentally' had a baby.  Here's the deal, he is that guy.  That's fine! He shouldn't feel bad. However, I shouldn't have to make him feel better by saying I'm fine over and over. 

I'm not fine.  It isn't fine that we aren't pregnant right now.  It isn't fine that I have PCOS and need all this intervention.  It isn't fine that I had two perfect follicles and 17 million sperm put right on top of them and for some reason, I didn't get pregnant.  So, the purpose of this rant is to ask: What do you feel/do when people handle you with kid gloves? Do you have whispers behind you and friends and family that don't want to share their news and so you end up feeling left out?  How do you handle it when you and DH are sad together?  I feel like I don't have the strength to be there for him and he takes the brunt of the difficulty.  Thanks for reading this far! I'm glad I have you guys.

wabash15

I just wanted to say IF is a B. hugs THere are times in the relationship where one partner is stronger than the other and you lean on that person and vice versa. Its OK to feel all the feels after a failed cycle  and a BFP announcement to boot. It is hard for someone who does not have IF to understand and they may just be trying to protect your feelings. If this isn't working for you, I would talk with them. Some ladies with IF need time to process someone elses BFP in private, some are happy to hear about it in a group. some would prefer an email or phone call... everyone is a bit different in how they handle things. 

KLake42

Ok, so I'm going to be a little free with colorful language.  There's a point to it.

My best friend got pregnant the first time she ever tried.  And they were only halfway trying-- they'd switched from the pill to condoms, with the idea that they'd be trying soon, and then got stoned and forgot the condom.  I love her, but she's such a flaming asshole because every time I've mentioned my infertility, she's talked about it.

And honestly, all those fertile assholes out in the world have no clue what infertility is like.  And yeah, it's totally different than cancer, but there was that one study that found that it's just as stressful as cancer treatment.  

And from what I understand from a friend who has cancer, all the cancer-free assholes in the world also have no idea what cancer is like.  We have no idea how to talk to them, so sometimes we don't even talk to them at all, leaving them isolated.  If we do talk to them about it, we make concern-face and apologize for being ignorant about the experience, but try to express compassion, and that's the best we can do.  It's awkward.

So our fertile asshole friends run into a similar awkwardness with us.  Only, since we're not at risk for dying, they don't try as hard.  And when they have their own fertility happening all over the place like freaking bunnies, they get hurt if we don't give them the attention they want.

Screw them, you don't have to be nice to them.  And if you do manage to be polite and let them have their attention, you are the best friend/sister-in-the-world, and you should find whatever kind of way to indulge and reward yourself.

Tell your husband that you have a right to be mad, and jealous, and that it feels like a kick in the gut.  If you think you can be polite when you see them, tell him that you'll try, but that he should appreciate your Academy-Award-level acting.

And what I'm getting at, is that sometimes you have got to find a place to express your feelings.  There's got to be a room where you can scream and cuss, and if you can find someone to go with you and listen, that will help.  Maybe your husband, or maybe a good friend.  Let them see you cry ugly.  Let them see you be nasty and mean and hateful about those fertile assholes who keep being all gross and fertile everywhere around you.  Let that shit out.

Once it gets out, it's easier to take a breath and face the next day.  

brooklyngirl18

@klake42 that was AMAZING! I agree 100000000%

Irisheyes81

@KLake42 Exactly! Exactly Exactly Exactly.  They are assholes. That's exactly what they are.  I'm not going to look at someone with cancer with pity eyes anymore.  I'm going to get them a glass of wine and not isolate them! That's really good advice.  Thank you so much.  I keep thinking I don't have the right to lose it.  

J1006

@KLake42 Thank you for saying what all of us are thinking!! You are so right! 

@Irisheyes81 you absolutely have to right to feel the way you feel. I know I take every pregnancy announcement differently. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but other times it really makes me down. DH and I haven't really told too many people about our struggles. His brother and SIL know everything and are our support through everything. Whenever people say anything to me I just chalk it up to ignorance but at times it's still hard. Sometimes we just need to get upset, cry, and get angry. That's ok and totally normal. We would all go crazy if we put on a smile all the time and pretended we are ok. 

JaeJayStark

*Trigger Warning - always. My life triggers people. It makes me feel great*

The hardest part about my miscarriage was managing everyone else's feelings. From the girl who rents a room from us that invited 4 people to stay at our house while I was having a D&C, to the in laws, my parents, coworkers, and relatives... I was always concerned that I would make them feel bad that I had miscarried. The worst was the people who were deeply saddened by my miscarriage and tried so hard to make me feel better. I had to reassure them over and over that I was ok. I wasn't completely but I didn't want to hear their pity for me. It made it so much worse. They would say things like, "let me know if there is anything I can do for you," but I don't ask for help well. I wanted to ask to go to dinner or if they could cancel my pregnancy appointments for me but I couldn't. 

Now, I am still worried about others feeling. Most times I post on here I have to caveat that my story makes others sad. Great. I have the courage to talk about it but I have to warn others who might read my terrible triggering story. 

So! I type all this to say, I love ya, girl! I'm here with ya! I get it and I hope you get the chance to be annoyed, angry, sad, disappointed, jealous, happy, frustrated... whatever it is. I hope you feel and process it. 

Irisheyes81

@JaeJayStark love ya girl.  You 100% get me. I feel like you just wrote all my feelings.  I can't tell you how many time's i've said "I'm fine" just to get the sad eyes away from me. And the "can I do anything for you" um yes, take away the infertility and pay all the costs.  Start there.  When is it sensitive and when does it shame others? I don't know. It's just hard. 

@J1006 Thanks for the great advice.  It's so nice to have a place to vent and also a pass to actually feel. 

@KLake42 I've now said fertile assholes three times today.  I can't tell you how right you are and how much your words helped me.

Thank you guys so much.  This journey sucks.  Everything about it.  

JESSABER0414

****tw******

This is great community and sadly ive lived almost your exact story. So , @Irisheyes81you are not alone and totally justified for feeling how you do. I'm not looking for pity,  but since my miscarriage people treat us different.  I go between not wanting to talk about it,  to bring mad that no one has asked me how I am in days. 
During the weeks between my BFP and mc, I found out my mom has breast cancer and my brother in law knocked up his fiancé who didn't want kids, accidentally.  Since the awkward announcement,  I have had the hardest 5 weeks of my life and neither the pregnant sil or my mil has asked me how I am doing.  It sucks.  Everybody's asking about my mom to check in,  which is sweet,  but I feel like it gave them permission to move on past my pile of sadness and I'm here drowning in all kinds of crap! 

Sigh. ..hugs and thoughts to all of you strong ladies! 

funkykey

@Irisheyes81 - I had one friend treat me with kid gloves (that I know of) and it sucked balls. When I talked to her about it, I think she actually felt worse for treating me with kid gloves than I did- she'd been so worried about telling me about her pregnancy, she'd avoided me during the times I needed her most - and I think she realized she'd been a shitty friend. 

If it makes you feel better, I do find after my rough patches, things get better. Truly - every flash of jealousy I've had, every hard moment, I've had other moments where I just think to myself: "Thank God I am where I am." My husband and I have resolved a few big conflicts while TTC, and in a way, I feel our marriage is stronger for it. Like, it turns out, my husband is as good a man, if not better, than I thought he was when I married him. I feel really lucky - I know not everyone has that, that not every marriage makes it through IF, and that some partners don't turn out to be as loving and supportive as you think they'll be early on in your relationship. I don't want to tempt the fates, but right now, I feel like whatever happens - if we have kids or not - we'll be together. After a rough patch, I have moments where I see him, and I appreciate him, and I feel so blessed.

I also try very, very hard not to compare myself to other people. I know that's easier said than done, but I really try to imagine myself in a swimming pool, staying in my own lane. When I have flashes of jealousy, it's usually because I've been comparing myself, so I try to recognize that and to change the behavior. Again, easier said than done, but I figure the sooner I break that habit, the stronger I'll be for it. 

I hope things get better this week.

katherind

You absolutely have a right to feel the way you do. All the comments here are right on point and I think many of us have been in similar shoes.

We all need a chance to feel what we need to feel. Be it anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between. People shouldn't tip toe around us and we shouldnt have to mask our feelings either. 

funkykey

@Irisheyes81 - DMed you, because I don't think I expressed myself very well, or gave any real concrete examples.

What I meant to say, what I should have said, was ignore everyone else - all the whispers and kid gloves and all that BS, and just focus on you. You don't have to be extra nice to anyone, or to bend over backwards to make someone else more comfortable with your pain. Sometimes things are shitty for people, there's no shame in that.