Feeling overwhelmed and totally alone

NateKlages

My DD will be a year in just 3 days. I'll also be 17 weeks along on that day. We're having terrible financial trouble after the car broke down and the hubby lost his job. It's been weeks and he hasn't gotten a new one, I'm having trouble getting my older daughter to and from school that's 10 miles from our home. And it feels like EVERYTHING falls on me to deal with. I do ALL the household chores, laundry, cooking, cleaning (including the cats litter box which I finally just threw out all together due to how unsafe it is for me to handle, and scrubbing the floors with a sponge on all 4s because we have no functional mop), dishes, every last thing. Plus more than my fair share of parenting duties. I can count the diapers he's changed since she was born, he refuses to help with homework, I haven't had a break. He only watches the baby so I can clean with harsh chemicals I don't want her getting into. What's fair about this? I feel like I have another child and I'm single raising 3 with another on the way- I think it may be time to call it quits if I'm going to do it alone anyway- at least it would take off the burden of another person to care for. I need advice before I go off the deep end, I'm depressed, stressed, and horribly lonely.

jessieR358

I'm so sorry. This sounds very overwhelming and stressful. Has he been out looking for a job? 
Have you discussed all of this with him? 

JNR6510

Have you tried couples counseling? Or maybe try speaking with a therapist about your depression? A lot of times just being able to talk to someone else about the issue(s) helps.

Your SO may also be suffering from depression after losing his job. That is definitely a big blow for anyone to deal with. FX things look up for your family.  

coastalmomma2

That sounds tough. Any family or friends nearby who can help you out? What does your husband say when you talk about your feelings?
 When I took a communication workshop they recommended we try: when you________, it makes me feel _______________. Because I value_________ I need you to ________________. It seemed cheesy and awkward at first, but I do it often with my husband, especially when it is over something that is very difficult for me to discuss rationally. Hang in there, Mama.

NateKlages

He's applied for two jobs but so have I. I think he's depressed too, but won't admit it. I want to go to both counseling for myself and couples, but for myself- when I was going, no one, including him, would actually watch the baby, so I stopped, and our insurance for cancelled after he lost his job so we have to take care of that before it's even possible. I try to talk to him, he mostly gets angry about how he "can't even do anything" but that's it, he doesn't. He wants free reign to be a teenager, but he's in his mid 30s and this isn't a vacation. No one close to rely help us. It's rough

msashley2010-2

I'm sorry you all are going through this. I'm sure it's difficult for both of you that he lost his job. I think it's also hard for someone to get into the swing of doing housechores after not doing them for a long time. What helped me in the past was actually assigning duties to each person. For example, I clean the bathroom, sweep and mop floors, etc. SO will mow the lawn and take out the garbage and recycling. This way, not one person is stuck with doing everything. 

As far as the jobs go, has he tried applying for jobs online? When I've been unemployed in the past I would force myself to put in at least 5-6 job applications per day and usually within two weeks I would have an interview. I've had success with sites like snagajob.com, indeed.com, monster.com and I even found a really good job once on Craigslist. I think if he really pushes hard he will eventually find something. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and your family!! 

jessieR358

NateKlages said:

He's applied for two jobs but so have I. I think he's depressed too, but won't admit it. I want to go to both counseling for myself and couples, but for myself- when I was going, no one, including him, would actually watch the baby, so I stopped, and our insurance for cancelled after he lost his job so we have to take care of that before it's even possible. I try to talk to him, he mostly gets angry about how he "can't even do anything" but that's it, he doesn't. He wants free reign to be a teenager, but he's in his mid 30s and this isn't a vacation. No one close to rely help us. It's rough

If my husband lost his job and he had only applied for 2 jobs I'd be pretty ticked off, especially if I didn't have a job. You are right, this isn't a vacation. He needs to be networking, applying for jobs online and helping out. Being depressed about losing his job is understandable but it won't get him a new job hanging out on the couch.

jutondreau

It is a tough spot y'all are on without a job. So stressful for everyone, I'm sure. I think dividing up the jobs is a great idea. Also, doing online apps is a great suggestion. He could also post his resume on Indeed and other job sites...that way interested parties can contact him

JNR6510

Have you guys tried visiting your local career center? Or a temp agency? The temp job may not be permanent, but at least it is an income until you find something else. I know around here a lot of companies will hire on their temps full time so they don't have to spend more money on training a new person.

Jamiern01

So sorry you are going through all this. Send prayers that relief finds you soon.

mrsmarygs

My DH lost his job about a year ago, and fell into a deep depression. He would wake up and sit on the couch all day, not shower, not get dressed or anything. It took him a few weeks to get his head back in the game and push himself to find a job. After about two weeks of applying to just about any job he came across, he got three interviews.

I think your H might be struggling with depression and need a push to get the ball rolling. Only you would know what that push is, but definitely in the meantime, try to split up the chores like other PP have suggested.

NateKlages

I have tried the chore division! Like that he should take out the trash, and when he argues about it I point out he himself tells me not to lift things, still won't do it. I have to pull it out if the trash can, tie it off, and hand it to him or it doesn't get done, even directly asking him to do ANYTHING gets a negative response no matter how I seem to approach it. Then I get snarky comments about how he just can't do anything right and I'm telling him he's awful, when I'm really not. He even said to me just yesterday that I'm trying to change him. I've only complained that he's not doing his duties as a father and partner and instead seems to expect me to be superhuman, then he went back to saying how I just think he's awful. Which again, I've never told him. Thankfully he got in with a temp service and starts work in the morning, but that means more excuses why he can't (won't) do ANYTHING else. Not that working isn't a lot, and I'm more than willing to do most of everything around here- but doesn't mean he's not still a father. 

jutondreau

Might I suggest you take some time to write a letter to him expressing how you feel. That way you can gather your thoughts and he can read at his leisure. Also, then it's not an argument. You can tell him how you're feeling, make suggestions, & let him know how you see him--as a partner, father, provider. 

wyomama0427

jutondreau said:

Might I suggest you take some time to write a letter to him expressing how you feel. That way you can gather your thoughts and he can read at his leisure. Also, then it's not an argument. You can tell him how you're feeling, make suggestions, & let him know how you see him--as a partner, father, provider. 

I really like this idea! I know any time I try to go into a conversation with DH my mind just blanks everything I want to say. Maybe I should try this too lol! 

Sugargirl1019

I agree with the letter. That way you're able to write down your sweetness as well so it doesn't get forgotten about or overshadowed by the concerns you're bringing forward.