Pregnant after a Loss

to baby shower or not to baby shower

dznutsdznuts member
edited April 2017 in Pregnant after a Loss
Hi ladies! Long time lurker, first time posting here.  Bare with me... this came out longer than expected. So, I'm struggling with the idea of a baby shower for a few reasons. There are the typical reasons of how awkward they are, no one really ever likes the games or pays attention past the first handful of gifts being opened, makes me feel like I'm begging for gifts, etc.

The BIGGEST issue is I'm terrified because this is my first successful pregnancy (currently 22wks along) after a couple miscarriages and long road of infertility issues. I'm afraid of this big spectacle about a baby that might possibly not be because of my history. Loved ones keep telling me not to be negative or think like that. I totally see their point, but I'm not being negative, just realistic and preparing myself in case something bad does happen again. 

My extremely well meaning mom and friends are really pushing for a shower and threatening to throw a surprise one so I can't fight it. I am very grateful for their excitement and wanting to help us. However, I  feel a party isn't necessary for them to help us out. In light of compromise, I finally broke down and created a registry for those who keep asking. They are still trying to wear me down on having a shower, and I'm considering an open-house BBQ meet and greet after baby is born where gifts are optional and/or unwrapped. This makes me feel more comfortable because then I know the baby is ok. A lot of the "pro-baby shower" people are balking at the idea and now I feel like I have to have some form of shower just to appease them. 

Here are the options I am weighing out. What do you think is best case scenario?
1) Stand my ground on no shower at all 
2) Only do an open house meet and greet after the baby is born and invite everyone
3) Let my mom throw small traditional shower for my side of the family only and then do a BBQ meet and greet after the baby for everyone 

Re: to baby shower or not to baby shower

  • Goodness! Sounds like your family is making things really tough for you. I completely understand though. After my loss I threw out everything that reminded me of baby, even though I hadn't accumulated much at all. I didn't want to see it. So I was apprehensive about showers this time too because having a house full of baby stuff means I gotta have this baby now! But I ended up not having any showers prior to 32 weeks, which helped. So pushing it as late as possible might be an option. But ultimately, it's your journey and your feelings and your baby. Your family needs to respect that. That said, the idea of a small family shower with a meet and greet later (option 3) sounds like one that might be easiest for you and the family. But only if your mom really would keep it small for you. If you really don't want a shower, don't have one. I suppose if it helps, I personally found comfort in being surrounded by love and support. Even though I thought it would make it worse, the showers ended up making me feel the love of my family and friends and I knew that they just wanted to show me support no matter what, and celebrate this rainbow baby with me. And I ended up being really grateful for all the gifts. Babies are expensive and just having the financial help was a blessing. 

    Good luck deciding. You're not alone in feeling apprehensive about a shower. The concerns that go with being PGAL are legit and I hope your family can respect whatever decision you make. 
  • dznutsdznuts member
    edited April 2017
    Thank you! Totally appreciate the input :)

    The closer we get to the due date, the more comfortable I start to feel. After talking more with my mom, she said we can discuss shower later down the road, so that's reassuring and a lot less pressuring.  Pitched the idea of the BBQ to friends who have been asking about a shower and they were far more receptive than I was expecting despite backlash from the initial die-hard baby shower people.   
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    I just felt compelled to say do what YOU want. If it feels like "bad luck" or uncomfortable  to have a shower don't do it. Your loved ones will hopefully support you no matter what and a bbq later on sounds like a great compromise. Stick
    to your guns, donwhat you want and leave space to change your mind! Good luck! 
  • Like other posters said.... this is your baby and your feelings matter the most. Good luck making a decision that is right for you and your partner. 
  • I will echo that whatever feels right to you will be a good answer, but I just hate to let past losses (and I don't know what people's stories are--losses can happen at any time so sadly) ruin what can be a happy time. I just really had to decide after my 20 week scan that this was going to be real and that I didn't want to live my life in fear. I was still anxious but my shower was perfect. I felt so loved. My family and friends knew what I had been through and it wasn't awkward. I was so honored that they cared so much. It would be a shame to not experience that love. (I never had any wedding showers or that business either so this was a nice first for me).

    That's just my two cents. Do what is right for you and as you are experiencing that can change as your confidence grows. A lot of people don't have showers until way later. GL! Or even do a "sip and see" afterwards.
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!

  • Every shower I've been to took place in the 8th month... generally a pretty safe timeframe where loss is concerned. That said... do what feels right for you! The most Important thing is for Your needs to be met so you can stay focused on the wonderful experience you are having Now... not fretting over being cornered into something you don't feel ready for. Good Luck & Happy baking!
  • I just want to say that I'm on the same page as you. I've skipped at least 4baby showers between my 2 MCs. I had originally wanted to do a baby shower, but DH, MIL, and my mom all were being weird about it. I ultimately decided not to do one (I'm 28 weeks right now) bc the anxiety it was causing me wasn't worth it.We registered, and will accept presents, but will not be doing a shower. 
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