Relationships after baby

theweevee

The "things no one told me..." thread got me thinking...about things I didn't think about at all.  For all STM+, what are the things you do to connect with your partner/DH after the baby was born to keep the relationship going?  Not necessary limited to "keeping the romance", but keeping everyone happy and close, too, despite the new LO. 

If this was already covered somewhere, we can turn this into a gif party.  

nktrodden826

I think this is a useful thread even for STM+ but knowing it really depends on the relationship and what works for your marriage! 

The biggest thing for me was never ever cosleeping. I know this is an UO! My best friend coslept and still sleeps with her 3.5 year old because he won't sleep in his own room. She told me it ruined the romance and that wasn't something I was going to risk. DS went down the hall in his nursery day 1.  

After about 3 months we forced ourselves to go out on dates leaving DS with my mom. We would go to dinner and talk about nothing but DS which defeated the purpose. Then one day DH mentioned in passing that he had gotten a promotion about 2 months prior to this conversation and an "on the spot" award of $5k and I didn't even notice nor did I congratulate him. That woke me up. From that day forward I made a point to put DS down regardless of what I was doing and sat with my husband and asked (and listened to) how his day was. This helped us tremendously- me showing him that I still cared and was genuinely interested in how his day was. My point here I guess is to be attentive, show him you still care about him because if he's anything like my hubs he felt neglected and like the last on my priority list which isn't fair.  

DH works Mon- Thu so every other Friday my mom takes the day off and takes DS for the day so we can have a day to ourselves and boy is it amazing. 

irishrose54

I'm a ftm but I grew up in a household where my parents always made their relationship a priority. They went out often (we had babysitters), did long weekend getaways etc. and as kids we didn't bat an eye. I feel like I can't imagine it being any other way when our kiddos arrive (not including the infant stage). It's the first year I am worried about though. With two on the way,  I know it's going to be a serious challenge to have quality time together. I am just trying to remind myself that our relationship has to be a priority as well.  I am interested to hear HOW people do this. Looking at you STMs+ 

hyperangel_8509

@irishrose54 my parents were the exact opposite....they put their kids first for EVERYTHING and I feel like it really thwarted their relationship. They are still together, but I hate how my mom always brings up that they did nothing without us like it's our fault. 

The first year will be really hard, especially if you are EBFing. Our DD never took a bottle so we had to be creative. We would schedule quick dinners out in between feedings. And we would spend time together after DD went to bed. Once our DD was older, we agreed to grandparents watching her overnight every once in a while so we could have date nights.

DH and I also have taken 2 trips alone together - once when DD was 2.5 (Aruba for a week), and again when she was 4.5 (St. Maarten for a week). Those trips really helped us reconnect as a couple and remind us that we are a couple, not just parents. I would highly recommend adult trips away if you have the support system to leave your LO for a week. 

JAM85

We work together as photographers so we spend quite a lot of time together anyways including traveling for work etc where DD is with grandparents. I do have two other jobs I do during the week, but DH works from home so we always have a few hours in the afternoons DD is in daycare before I go coach between my PT job and that that we get to hang out and talk. We also have had at least one big trip without DD and not for work every yearwhere we relax and bond and remember what it's like not to be exhausted by toddler antics. With two it is going to be more of a challenge, but I would say we also really enjoy doing things as a family together. Because we work weekends and I work away from home during the week during busy season we don't get to see DD as much as we like so we prioritize family time. Also when she goes to bed we try to watch an episode of a show we like together although when I got pregnant and started falling asleep at 830-9 this sort of went by the way side. DS will be in our room for a while but NOT the bed itself as per the new recommendations from AAP unless he is like DD and a noisy sleeper, but honestly we had no issues moving her to her crib later on. 

LM1007

Hubby was always a huge help with DS and we all loved the time we had together, we made it fun. It helped us to start making dinner together every night, that's when we would talk about his work day and what I did and learned with baby that day. Something else that brought us together, we would take a shower with all 3 of us. If baby was sleeping; we'd shower together. 
We did co sleep for about 4mo, but after that he was in his crib, and that definitely made a difference, to be able to sleep next to hubby again. 

Aside from family time, we would cuddle and watch tv once baby was down for the first shift of night time. We started having sex regularly again.

We try to go on dates as often as we can, our parents luckily helped watching baby overnight. We love to dance, so we definitely would go out to a club/lounge every so often as a date. 

When the weather was nice, we'd take walks, BBQ in our backyard for ourselves, and garden. 

Another thing that helped our relationship, we'd send each other funny/sexy/random pics throughout the day. 

longhairdntcare

Following this. DH is for sure the 'sensitive' one in our relationship and I can easily see him feeling neglected post baby. We have already talked about planning a trip for just us at some point (possibly to make baby #2 lol) but as a FTM I don't really know when it's reasonable to expect to be able to leave the LO for a week.

Looking forward to hearing STMs experience on this topic! 

PurplePoppy424

As a STM, this can still be a struggle for us. The main thing is you have to prioritize your marriage. The baby is going to take up so much of your time, mentally and physically. Make sure when you do have those few moments with your spouse that you're not spending them talking and thinking about your child(ren). You're probably going to hit a rough patch that first year of a new baby's life. Just get through it the best you can and try not to take the stress out on each other. 

Dcwtada

I was very worried about this exact thing, and since DH and I had not had very long together before our first we decided to do a few things to make sure our relationship didn't suffer. We go on at least one big trip and a few small trips (usually just a night camping together - something simple but gets us away from all our obligations).

We also have dinner just the two of us every night, we sit with the toddlers while they eat but wait until they are in bed and sit down together and know we have no more responsibilities for the night and can just enjoy being together - sometimes we talk, sometimes we watch tv, sometimes we do nothing more than eat and enjoy the silence. And while I know when the kids get older we will have dinners together, with our schedule having that time now and making a rule of no cleaning or work besides fun or hobby work and we spend it together has been essential in keeping us close. Now there is nothing earth shattering about this time, we don't have to sit and stare at each other and have serious talks, sometimes we don't even talk - but we are together and we are present for each other for a little time every day. 

abmommy15

First - Make sure you communicate openly and honestly.  Don't expect your DH/SO to have any idea what you need or want from him, especially during the early days.  Most dads feel very useless and helpless during the first months and if you don't tell him how to help you then you will end up feeling resentful.  
Second - We did at home date nights which really helped us connect and spend time together.  After DS went to bed we would get take-out and eat with no devices, tv or distractions.  It was a simple thing but making a conscious effort to re-connect with each other often is key.  
Third - Remember that you are going to deal with some tough stuff but your partner is also going through tough stuff.  Between your physical recovery and your emotions and hormones being all over the place (pregnancy hormones don't have anything on postpartum hormones IMO) you are most likely going to be a basket case a few times and it's easy to forget that your partner is also going through an adjustment.  Sure he doesn't have the physical recovery to deal with but he is adjusting to parenting just like you are.  Most men have a very protective instinct so he is going to see you struggling and want to jump in and fix everything but wont have any idea what needs to be done.  Be patient with him as he learns and when that first fight happens (I say when because I don't know any new parents that didn't have at least one good fight over something stupid) cool down and really work hard to remember that you are in this together.
Four - Don't feel guilty putting your relationship first.  Your kids will benefit from their parents strong and positive relationship.  They don't need to be the centre of your world and shouldn't take priority over everything else.  Remember that your kids will have their own lives in a few years and you will be left with your partner so nuture that relationship don't ignore it!

Cynth0104

Oh man! DS will be 5 next  month and I think we are just getting back into our relationship. It is definitely hard. We go out occasionally (not as often as we should). We take advantage of our day care having a late night and put him in it every month. This at least gives us 1 time a month that we can have dinner to ourselves. I also have learned to take people up on the offer of watching our son (and by people I mean close friends and family). This was hard to do at first. You have to remember to sit down and communicate...and not just talk about your baby/kids! 

CTRMommyof4

Mother of 3 here, soon to be 4. We put our marriage as #1, always. We go on plenty of dates, spend time cuddling every night after the kids go to bed, and take frequent trips with AND without the kids. It's hard to find childcare, but it is possible, even with a whole pack like we have.  

MrsZeno

nktrodden826 said:

I think this is a useful thread even for STM+ but knowing it really depends on the relationship and what works for your marriage! 

The biggest thing for me was never ever cosleeping. I know this is an UO! My best friend coslept and still sleeps with her 3.5 year old because he won't sleep in his own room. She told me it ruined the romance and that wasn't something I was going to risk. DS went down the hall in his nursery day 1.  

After about 3 months we forced ourselves to go out on dates leaving DS with my mom. We would go to dinner and talk about nothing but DS which defeated the purpose. Then one day DH mentioned in passing that he had gotten a promotion about 2 months prior to this conversation and an "on the spot" award of $5k and I didn't even notice nor did I congratulate him. That woke me up. From that day forward I made a point to put DS down regardless of what I was doing and sat with my husband and asked (and listened to) how his day was. This helped us tremendously- me showing him that I still cared and was genuinely interested in how his day was. My point here I guess is to be attentive, show him you still care about him because if he's anything like my hubs he felt neglected and like the last on my priority list which isn't fair.  

DH works Mon- Thu so every other Friday my mom takes the day off and takes DS for the day so we can have a day to ourselves and boy is it amazing. 

All of this! You sound just like my husband and I. We have never coslept. Our bed is for my husband and I. Not that there is anything wrong with it but we just like our bed to be a space only for us. 

Definitely make time for yourself and Dh. Fortunately my mom and I are very close so she comes over all the time. Shes always been a massive proponent on us taking time for each other as a couple. She'll come over and just say go... Get out of here and take your time. So if I'm nursing I will take my pump and my husband and I will just go do things together. Whether it was getting coffee or running errands or going to dinner. We talk about us and our interests and not so much about the kids because we always talk about the kids. Its easy to lose site of your relationship after having kids because you get into such a groove that it gets put on the back burner.

Katie______

I don't have any answers but I am happy for this topic. Just even with buying our new home and then moving, our two jobs being really busy right now, and just buying baby stuff as a FTM---it's a lot! I feel like I need to be conscious of this even now some and well, our little apt is full of baby stuff (because we're moving so it's kind of all around) so I think we need to escape.  What have been your favorite pregnant date nights of late?  

StacyH0507

What has really worked for us is having a routine for our kids meaning that they go to bed in their room at night at the same time giving DH and I time to spend with each other. We are a military family so we don't live around a lot of family to help with the kids or give us a date night unless we hire a babysitter so this became our way of still making sure that we had time with each other. We also didn't co-sleep one because we didn't feel comfortable and two because for DH and I when we go to bed that's our time with each other to just sit and chat. I will admit we now have a toddler crawling into our bed in the middle of the night but he still goes to bed in his room and stays in there well after we are in bed so it still seems to be working

mslynn2012

This is what worked for us. 

When end I had DS, DH got up with me at every feed. He changed DS's diaper while I went downstairs and grabbed a snack and water. Then I would sit in the glider and nurse while DH read us a story. This was HUGE for me as it didn't leave me feeling lonely /resentful of him. DS slept in our room in a bassinet for the first 4 months, then went into his nursery. Once my CS had healed I made a conscious effort to have sex at least once a week. This was HUGE for DH. He needs the physical connection while I need the emotional part. 

When we had DD we didn't follow the same "guidelines" and it was VERY apparent that we should have. We coslept with DD, so he didn't get up with me while I nursed. Also, because she was in bed with us I would NOT DTD with him on a regular basis. Both of these caused us to resent one another (plus lack of sleep and a 16 month old and a newborn/ lack of sleep/etc. ). 

We havw since talked about what was different/missing and how we were going to be proactive this time. This LO will sleep in our room in a bassinet. DH will get up with me during nighttime feeds and I will make the sex-effort. 

I think this is possible for us because DH is a teacher. He was in paternity leave and then summer break with DS and will be on summer break with this LO, so he can get up with me all night and be a zombie with me during the day as he doesn't have to go to work. DD was a November baby, he had to work and couldn't lose his sleep. While I get it, I still resented him for it. 

supermom83

Getting lost in mommy-land is as easy as breathing. I was deeply lost in mommy-land for years, basically putting my kids needs before even mine, let alone DH. Thankfully, DH is an amazing person, husband and father, and he helped me through it. He was the one who supported me through the toughest times, when I felt like I was drowning in a sea of perpetual "need" from everybody around me. I asked him to take charge on a few things, like finding a babysitter, or taking turns bathing baby and all kinds of small stuff that felt like mountains to me. He was more than happy to be involved, and this I think was the single most important thing that happened. He was an involved dad from day 1. I did not insist I do everything because only *I* knew exactly how to do it. I gave him just as much control of baby related things even though I was a SAHM. He was comfortable taking charge when I needed a break, baby was just as comfortable with him as with me because he worked hard at creating that relationship with the kids, and we parented and got through tough times together. He knew how hard it was to care for baby because HE also experienced it first hand. I was vocal about my feelings, and he was vocal about his. Communication is key. DH has always been more than supportive, and I made sure to always listen to what he had to say also. We made decisions together, we talked about our day (even though mine was mind-numbingly mundane) just so we always stayed on the same page even though the world around us was spinning and changing at lightening pace. 

Having kids changes your life in a way that can't be described, but it's not a bad thing, but it IS important to make sure that as you change, both DH and you change together in the same direction. 

OperaSingerMommy

@supermom83 Great points.  I had trouble letting DH have control over some baby things for a while.  I would give him a list of things to remember before I left the house, as if he were a teenage babysitter.  Looking back, that was so insulting to him and a huge indicator that I had some control issues with the baby.  He knew how to take care of her, I just worried so much.  Eventually I learned to just let him do his thing as a dad and it helped our relationship get back on track.  It can be hard for me to remember that DH loves our kids as much as I do!

mamadcb

@mslynn2012 My DH is a teacher too and I'm really thankful that he'll be off for a month or so after this baby is born. Last time it didn't even occur to me to have him help at nighttime because he had to be up for work, but even helping with one feeding would make a huge difference both in my sleep and, I think, being able to be soothed by something other than the boob at night.

Everyone has mentioned the biggies for us: making sure we have time for just the two of us (generally at home after bedtime works for us), and keeping our bed our space. DS slept in our room for the first 3 months but not in our bed-- partly because I had a recurring nightmare of him suffocating and partly because I knew it was/is important for our relationship to have that space to ourselves. Occasionally on a weekend morning I'll bring our 14-month-old into our bed for some sweet snuggles with us, but it's by invitation only  

I think making an effort to have sex is a HUGE one. More than even just physically I think our husbands need to feel that we're still there for them, too. All the people needing you is exhausting, so waiting until you feel in the mood could take months. DH has never ever pushed for sex when I indicated I wasn't up for it but I know it means a lot to him when I make the effort for his sake so I try to do so regularly, even throughout pregnancy. 

MamaRN13

There are a lot of good tips here. I would second what others have said about co-sleeping (which I realize is an UO, but I felt like it would drive a literal wedge between DH and I).  Also, making the attempt to DTD at least once a week was big for us. If I'm being honest with myself, I could go a long time in those early days with a newborn without it, but I know DH would have a really hard time with that as he needs that physical connection. In the beginning our communication was lacking and we really struggled. I would keep a mental "tally" of all the things/how much I was doing and would hold that over him. Once we opened those lines of communication, and found a groove that worked for us, we felt much more connected. @mslynn2012 ... we had a similar set up that ended up working well for us. DH would get up for the middle of the night feeds and change DS while I went to the bathroom and got water/snack. He would go back to sleep while I nursed DS and it helped me to not feel so alone and isolated in the middle of the night!

mars8k

Pregnancy and first year after DD were difficult, H didn't help as much as I wanted him to and he seemed to constantly be looking for a way to get out of the house. He felt like spending time with us was a chore while in reality it was his new life and nothing anywhere says that the mum has to have the main responsibility of caring for a child while a father could join in whenever he pleases!  I had a very tearful confrontation with him a long year later then he started helping out a little more but DD was a lot easier to handle by then. (she was a very difficult baby, cried all the time) He promised things will be different this time around but I’m not expecting any major changes.

 

What I learned from the above is that you need to talk to your spouse about things that bother you about them right away, don’t wait a year lol. If you’re first time parents it’s important to understand that this is a whole new experience for all of you and that you’re all learning how to go about it together. I constantly babysat my nephews and nieces since I was 13 and having my own baby was still very new to me. You don’t have to chose between your relationship and your kids, there will come a time when your kids will need to come first (for example in their first few months of life) and others when your relationship has to come first. (DD is almost 2 and I still struggle with going out without her but I force myself to do it every once in a while to go out on a date with DH)

virginiaunicorn11

We went to marriage counseling when DS was 4-5 months old and it was the best decision of our lives. We had and have a very strong marriage but were having an unusually hard time communicating.These tips about putting your marriage first are good, but I would also add that for a while I needed to put myself first. And to support DH in getting some Me time for himself, too. 

Sex is important in a marriage but I was absolutely not ready after 6 weeks and forcing myself to do it for my marriage was just not going to happen - and DH understood because that was something we communicated well about. I loathe the idea of women being pressured into having sex before they're ready. 

Something else that really helped us was to write out our schedule and put it on the fridge. DH kept promising to alternate days with me to get up with the baby. After a year, I was still up all night and up in the mornings, and I resented it. We have "family day" on Monday, and on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday I get to sleep in until our designated time (weekends its 9:30!). He gets the other days. We ended up writing out a similar agreement for the household duties that were contentious (didn't bother with stuff that wasn't an issue).

I had a rock solid relationship and was devastated when things got bad. A good friend convinced me that it's pretty typical and she really recommended counseling. I wish we hadn't waited. At first, it felt like such a failure. I was raised to believe people need to be strong and not need counseling (I know, I know). We are lining up a counselor for this time already, and hopefully that ability to have some space to check in and focus on our relationship will keep us on track.  Things are different than pre-baby but we are definitely stronger and more connected than pre-baby. 

Xath

I agree with all of the above posters who stressed that open communication is key.  There's a lot of really good advice here; remember the neither you nor your spouse is psychic.  Add in sleep deprivation and the general upheaval that having  new baby brings and really really verbalizing your needs is important.  It's equally important to actively listen to your spouse's needs.  

The only other thing I can add is that this will not be a simple parabola where the relationship dips for a bit and recovers.  It's an ongoing process that requires constant tweaks to stay strong.  Your relationship needs will change as you and your family change and grow.  It's a good idea to have regular check-ins with your spouse and reconfigure as needed to keep  everyone happy.  

virginiaunicorn11

@Xath that "not a parabola" point is so perfect. I am going to remember that, thank you

BusyZee

^all of this is so helpful, scary and reassuring at the same time. I needed this. 

Xath

BusyZee said:

^all of this is so helpful, scary and reassuring at the same time. I needed this. 

Yeah, don't let this be scary.  Relationships need constant adjustment, but that's tied to any life changes (and personal growth) not just having kids.  There are hurdles to grow through but my husband and I have only become closer since becoming parents.  It's definitely stressful, but I've found it to be one of those stresses that makes everything better once you learn your way through it.