Loss at 13 weeks - Questions

Wendybird2010

Trigger warning: living child mentioned. 

I'm so sad to have to introduce myself to this board, but I'm thankful there is a place to ask questions. At my ultrasound this week, my husband and I found out we've lost our baby at 13 weeks. My 3 year old son was also with us at the appointment. This is our second child and was planned for and desperately wanted by us and our parents. We've had a rough year. My brother in law died suddenly of a heart attack at 28 years old. After a year of mourning him, the news of a new baby brought so much joy to our family. We are just devastated that we've lost our little one. How have you all dealt with this grief? How have you shared the grief with your partner/husband?

I have to have a D&E procedure on Monday. Not only am I grieving the loss, but I'm worried about the procedure. If anyone has any experience with this type of procedure, any information about what to expect or things to ask would help ease my worries and fears. I know I'll be under general anesthesia; I'm having the procedure done at my hospital with the senior OB in my OB's practice. I'm also wondering if I should have my son go and spend the night with his grandparents or keep him in preschool and keep his routine as normal as possible. I don't want to come home from the appointment and be a mess and scare him, but he's also been part of this process with us and we've talked with him about why we are all sad. He's sad too and we've shared this as a family. 

I'm so sorry for anyone that has been through this experience. It's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. Thank you in advance for taking the time to respond. 

amberruka

I don't really have any advice for this situation, but I'm very sorry for your loss. 

rklinge0

I am so sorry for your loss. Before my loss I was having a pretty crappy year so I understand your pain and frustration. 
As for your question, I didn't have a d&c but I had a nmc and the day after I sent my little one to my parents so I could start my grieving process.
 My dh still to this day doesn't want to talk about it, he really struggles to show his emotions. So not much help on that front. 

Texafornian

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I had a D&E almost two weeks ago at 13+4 due to chromosomal issues. Unlike you, we had to make the horrific decision to terminate the pregnancy as our daughter was not viable and continuing on had some significant risk to my health. It was awful to have to go through. I too have a 2.5yo DD at home and had the same worries. 

Procedure:
So here's my experience with the procedures. Last year at this time we had loss #1 (lost heartbeat at 8wks and I had a D&C where I was completely knocked out. I was in the recovery room for 45-60m and felt pretty loopy the rest of the day. This time I was heavily sedated. I took two Valium an hour prior to the procedure and was given an IV during. That procedure took all of 45 minutes from the time I walked in to the time I walked out. I had the shakes for about ten minutes immediately after as whatever they gave me began to wear off and I felt a little loopy on the  drive home but an hour or so after that I was totally with it. Soooo...knocked out you have a few hours of loopiness and sedation via IV but still awake you'll have a shorter loopy period. The D&C was a one day thing...the D&E involved two days...I had dilators inserted to start dilating the cervix on day 1....ain't gonna lie, that was probably the crappiest physical part. I had mild contractions all night and slept with a heating pad. Procedure was the next day. Recovery has shockinging been the same this time as last...I saturated a pad right after and then moderate bleeding akin to a period for a few days to a week. It'll be two weeks this Tues and I just started spotting a little again but I think that's normal...I felt NO pain nor do I remember anything about either procedure. The lead up and psychological part far outweighed the actual event. 

Dealing with grief:
This time has been incredibly difficult on me as like you, it came after a year of heartache and loss and we tried so very hard to get pregnant. I'm also 43 so this was the last shot for us...and I'm heartbroken about it but can't go through the stress again. My hubby has seen me go all over the spectrum from feeling ok to completely breaking down. My suggestion is to talk about it IF you can't speak with him...I asked mine what he was feeling quite often and asked how I could help HIM grieve (kind of took it off my own mind a little). I suggest these loss boards or other groups of friends that have perhaps experienced something similar. My Sept '14 group from The Bump (my dd's birth month) REALLY helped me through this...they didn't judge, they offered support & tales of their experiences, they sent cards and gifts and emails. They were invaluable. I have two neighbors I've been able to speak with as well and it's been a comfort. This whole experience has actually brought my husband and I closer together because we had to delve pretty deep throughout this process and have heavily leaned on one another. 
I went through all of my baby clothes this past week that I'd been saving and shipped them to my SIL who is due with a little girl this week. I had to let it all go as part of my own healing...for me it hurt but helped. Was just something I needed to do to start my process of healing. 


Your son:
For both of my procedures, my husband drove me to and from the appointment while my mother in law watched our DD. This time DD is a little older...hubby took over when we got home but kept her routine. She saw me on the sofa and could see I was sad and she just snuggled with me. I say tell him mommy is sad and let him hug you!! Last week my DD did say to my hubby "mommy has a baby in her belly" and it stung...I just said "no honey, the baby had to go away" and I squeezed her little hand. She's so little that I think she will be fine mentally...it's more of a gut punch to me than her...

Sorry so long but please feel free to PM me if you have questions or need someone to talk to. Again...I'm so very sorry for your loss. You'll never get over it but you WILL get through it. Hugs mama. 

Wendybird2010

Thank you for your replies. This time has been emotionally devastating, but being mentally prepared for what's going to happen is helping to alleviate my worries about that part. I'm so sorry for your losses. 

ramsfamgrowing

I had a loss at my 16 week appt (probably lost around 14 weeks). We sent my 3 children to be with grandma overnight so I could rest and grieve with my hubby before the procedure and she kept them another night just so I could rest. For me I was a little crampy for a couple days and just laid around for about a week just being tired and sad. I had great friends who brought me meals so I just didn't have to think about things and that was helpful. I did end up going in for another D&C 3 weeks later due to leftover material (not common so dont worry about it) and again I left my children with grandparents. Recovery after the 2nd one was much easier and not as emotional. A week later I had a period and hormonally my body is feeling normal again. I'm sorry for your loss and I pray the D&E goes well for you and your family and you recover physically and mentally! Hugs!

Texafornian

@Wendybird2010 thinking about you today...

Wendybird2010

@Texafornian Thank you. Yesterday was so hard. I walked into my OB's office trying not to look at all the other pregnant mom's or newborn pictures. The senior doctor in the practice was performing my surgery, which is good because he's experienced, but I'd never met him or been seen by a male OB. I thought we were meeting for a presurgery consult in his office, but the nurse led me and my husband to an exam room and told me to get fully undressed and that the doctor I'd never met would be in to examine me and do another internal ultrasound. I just lost it and started sobbing. It was too much. So we insisted that we meet with him and discuss the procedure and what to expect first. I think he was a bit put out but whatever. It was such a hard day. I woke up from anesthesia and cried to myself alone in the recovery room, with my hands resting on my stomach where my baby used to be. 

I've been focusing on resting today and thinking about my son. I'm so thankful for him and his sweet voice and big hugs. I want to work to get healthy in body, mind, and spirit so that in a few months we can try again. I never thought I'd experience a loss this time around. Things had gone so well with my first pregnancy. I'm realizing that losses are much more common than I'd realized and that there are many women who have been through similar situations, including both my mom and mother-in-law. I'm lucky to have support and a sweet boy to love on. Thank you all for your kind words and support. It's made me feel less afraid and alone. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as we all heal. 

Texafornian

@Wendybird2010 I just sent you a pm before I read this...

ah man...

Your words really touched a cord and had me in tears for a moment...had to stop and breathe before I could finish your post. For me one of the most difficult moments was just as you said...holding your belly where your baby once was. There's such a deep grief about feeling a firm uterus that's shape fits in your hand one day only to feel completely empty the next. I'm SO incredibly sorry you've had to go through this too...and seeing all of the newborn announcements and pregnancy diagrams in the office takes a whole new turn once you're in this position. I heard an ultrasound heartbeat in another room  at my followup yesterday...I wished for a moment that we could switch rooms and felt so guilty about it...

im sorry about the hand off to an OB you hadn't met...my procedure occurred at 13+4 and I too was sent to another doc whereas last time at 8w, my OB performed the procedure. I felt lost and shuffled and angry...I was also sedated this time instead of being knocked out which terrified me but worked out in the end. The scariest part was the anxiety leading up to the procedure...not the act itself. 

Im so glad that you can try again...you go girl! You've had a healthy pregnancy...you're body is capable so that's a huge step in the direction you want to go. I'm turning 44 in September so this was pretty much it for me. I've been toying with seeing an RE just for some closure as I know IVF is aption with chromosomal testing etc but not sure I can handle the emotional pain of it all should that happen again (which for me due to 2 losses and age is a 1/25 chance right out of the gate).

Let that little boy snuggle with you and absorb all his giggles...a child's laughter really IS the best medics to help heal a broken heart. Xo

Wendybird2010

Thank you, @Texafornian. I appreciate your support. Hang in there. I'm sorry you are having to make the decision whether or not to try again. It must be so hard to feel like things might be final. I'm sorry you are going through this awful experience.