Pregnant after a Loss

Unable to connect

I am hoping you ladies can help or at least tell me I'm not an awful mom. 
DS is 6, I had a miscarriage 5 years ago. We finally tried again and I'm 21 weeks. I keep waiting for the excitement to begin. And say maybe after this happens or that happens (I hit second trimester, we find out the gender, feel flutters, etc) and these moments come and go and still nothing, if anything it's getting worse. I just have this feeling I can't shake like something is going to go wrong. And the longer it's taking to happen the more anxious I'm getting. I know it makes no sense, but it's not something I can shake. And I'm feeling like an awful mother to this new baby growing inside me because I just can't connect like I did with DS. Has anyone gone through this? Did you connect once the baby was here? 
Thank you even for reading this. 

Re: Unable to connect

  • @mamaof2hopefully - I totally understand how you feel, and a lot of us here feel the same way to different degrees. It stinks and it's not fair that some of us can't feel connected, but I think it's normal and you have to try and not beat yourself up over it. I'm having this baby on Monday and I'm still not connected to him. The difference between this pregnancy (after having experienced losses) and when I had my daughter (with no previous loss experience) is night and day!! I was so excited with her and with this baby I have very little of that happy excitement and it's replaced with lots of anxiety. And because this is also a second child I often worry he will ruin our little family. How horrible is that? To think that way towards this little baby who I wanted and cried for. Im not 100% sure that I'll feel differently right away when he is born either. I'm kinda of preparing myself that it might take some time to bond. None of this means he isnt wanted. Obviously, if anything happened to him I'd be devastated. I'm disappointed this pregnancy wasn't more joyful, especially since I know it will be my last. But I've stopped beating myself up over it and just accepted it for what it is. I can't help feeling the way I do. So that's my experience. 
    I'm sorry you're feeling bad, I know it's not fair and sucks. 
  • Aww. I agree with @Bok Bagok. You're not alone in that and it doesn't make you a bad mom at all. I'm sorry you've experienced so much loss and it really sucks that our rainbow pregnancies are so deeply affected by our losses. But we are only human. We build protective barriers on our hearts whether we mean to or not. You are that baby's mama and it doesn't matter at what point you're able to bond. Men often don't bond until awhile after birth and that doesn't make them bad dads. Moms who adopt will bond but they didn't bond during the pregnancy. They aren't bad moms. The amount of bonding we feel means nothing to our love and bond later. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. Don't give youreelf deadlines. And also don't be afraid to talk to a counselor if you need to about that kind of thing. That's what they're there for! Thanks for reaching out to us. I hope it helps a little. Thinking of you. 
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  • Thank you ladies. I'm so sorry @Bok Bagok you are going through this too. In a way it's comforting to know you aren't alone. But at the same time sucks you know someone is hurt and struggling like you are. I am also wondering if bonding will be more difficult or if this feeling of doom will ever lift. Thank you again for sharing your feelings and letting me know I'm not alone
  • @mamaof2hopefully I think the feeling of doom will lift but again it will be different for everyone. As a mother you already know the worry never goes away though :) For me, with three days left Im getting more excited and I think I'll bond and relax a bit once I see/hold him. I think further bonding will occur when I start to see the workings of our new family. When I see how he fits into our lives and does "ruin" it.  I think it depends on what's driving your fears/feelings of doom, once those are soothed you'll probably start feeling better. Good luck and hope you feel better soon!!
  • I go to a support group for IF and donor recipients. This is very common and we just had a lady who spoke of this at every meeting. She just had her son a couple of days ago and is over the moon. Not connected doesn't equal not a healthy pregnancy, it's just emotions which are so powerful. 

    Hope you are feeling a little more confident now!
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!

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