Shot Through The Heart Wednesday?

funkykey

One of my closest friends has been kind of flakey this past few months. She has a pretty busy job, so I know she's been spending a lot of time on that, but still... I feel like I've been the one to reach out to her all the time, and whenever I ask if she wants to hang out, she deflects. We've seen each other, just much less than usual. Keep in mind, we're really close - we spoke at each other's weddings, we have been friends since we were 9.

I was hurt; I mean, she knows I've been having a hard time, and between the clomid cycle busts and the being benched with cysts, I'm not doing so well. I could really use a friend, you know?

Finally today, I called her out. She'd gone to deflect again, and I told her I could see what she was doing, and that I was hurt and I felt like she'd not been a good friend to me. And she started crying and said: ***TW*** "I'm pregnant, and I didn't know how to tell you, and I feel like it's not ever been the right time, because I didn't want to tell you in a public place and I didn't know how to say it. And I was really, really hoping that one of these treatments would work and we could celebrate together, so I was waiting. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." ***End TW*** (To be fair to her, she also has a medical condition that means she's having a high risk pregnancy, so I knew she was going to be quiet about her pregnancy for a long time, just because her odds of MC were higher than usual.)

Ugh. I just felt like someone had punched me.

I'm so happy for her, and I can't wait to meet her baby, but I hate that this is where I am - that people are tiptoeing around me and avoiding me, and that I feel like all these other people, their lives are moving forward, and here I am, just stuck. 

tops-2

Oh @funkykey I'm sorry you've had that crappy experience and that you were so hurt
Try to look at in the sense that she cares so much about you and your feelings that she was trying her hardest to not cause you pain, rather than her tiptoeing around you. That really is a great thing, and it is so beautiful that you have such an amazing friendship.

limeburst

@funkykey ugh, sorry girl! That all around sounds like a rough situation  

I agree with what @Tops said about trying to see it as more about how much she cares about you. I know that can be hard though. I have a very good friend who dealt with IF for 5 years. I was always afraid that I would get KU before her (haha! Little did I know...). She ended up getting pregnant a few months before we stared trying, and I was so happy for her. But if I'm being honest, I was always secretly afraid it would happen for me first and I would have to tell her, and that was always something that I did not want to have to do. So, although I 1000000% understand your perspective on this, I can also see it from her side a little bit.


I hope today is a better day for you

SoonToBeMommaHowe

Oh @funkykey my heart breaks for you. I've been there too when nobody dared to tell me anyone was pregnant for fear that I was too fragile (which I very well may have been) and I'm just like how the heck did I get here. But I agree with PPs you have such a very sweet friend who was really looking out for you and your feelings. Everyone should be blessed to have a friend like that, you're a lucky lady. Hopefully something sticks for you soon so the two of you can celebrate together

funkykey

Thanks all - I am very lucky, she is a really good friend. And I'm glad I brought it up, like: "why are you avoiding me!?"

It just seems so sad to me that at the time we need our friends the most, they might avoid us because of their own good news. IF is a cruel beast, you know? And the isolation aspect of it, it's two-sided. Like, I avoid certain people but also some have avoided me. Ugh.

SP128

@funkykey So sorry you are going through this.  IF is definitely a cruel beast. Its damned if you do and damned if you don't.  ((hugs))

mandilyn1127

@funkykey I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know the feeling when you feel avoided to only find out it was because of good news and they are avoiding telling you because they don't want to "hurt your feelings". People don't purposely do it all the time, but when you need a friend to help you through a tough spot, it can be really hurtful. I hope you feel better soon. Lots of hugs! 

Worldtravler0522

@funkykey ugh I'm sorry that happened.  Something very similar happened between me and a close friend.  She told me she was pregnant the same day I found out I was miscarrying. Our relationship hasn't been the same since. Like you I was happy for her but it secretly kills me that she is pregnant. Like you I can't stand that people walk on eggshells around me now. 

notamyrtle

Ugh, that sucks. On many levels.

I also have had several friends try to hide their pregnancies from me, even very early on when I hadn't even seen an RE yet and didn't know I had a problem. It was a little confusing. 

This also happened to me with one of my best friends, and yeah, neither of us have reached out to the other since then. 

It hurts to hear they're pregnant, and it also hurts that they try to hide it from us. It's a catch 22, and I don't know what, if anything, is the 'right' thing to do.
These days, whenever a friend drops off my radar, I assume they're pregnant (and I'm usually right). 

I guess for me personally, my notification preference would be to receive a polite, sensitive email from them on a Friday evening, when I can spend the weekend sulking or crying or whatever. I even strongly hinted at this to a friend, but she didn't pick up the hint.

The other, bigger, sadder reality that I'm contending with is that actually, I'm not sure I can be close friends with people who are pregnant or just became mothers. Understandably, their minds are focused on their pregnancy or new motherhood status, and I just can't go there with them without feeling like my heart is racing and my brain is screaming inside my head.

For better or worse, IF is dismantling my social network. 

limeburst

The other, bigger, sadder reality that I'm contending with is that actually, I'm not sure I can be close friends with people who are pregnant or just became mothers. Understandably, their minds are focused on their pregnancy or new motherhood status, and I just can't go there with them without feeling like my heart is racing and my brain is screaming inside my head.

For better or worse, IF is dismantling my social network. 

Omg, this! My bff who struggled with IF for years finally got KU just had her LO in December. Every snap chat, every Facebook post, every picture she sends me, every conversation we have is mostly centered around her LO. And I know that she's happy (and I'm happy for her, truly) and I know she deserves to talk about her baby as much as she wants because she waited SO LONG to be a mother, but sometimes I just can't. She is one of the few people IRL who know we are struggling. Sometimes I feel bad for not wanting to talk about her baby all the time, but ... sometimes I just don't want to, especially on hard TTC days. And she knows what it's like to be where I am. I know, I'm a terrible person. 

MJDsquared

I'm sorry to everyone who has posted their experience with these things here. I'm fairly lucky, in that I'm the first one in my circle of friends who married and started trying for a baby. Obviously, it's possible some of my unmarried friends are trying but based on how well I know them, I doubt it.

The worst thing for me is social media. One of my best friends through high school (a guy) knocked up his girlfriend and they now have a two year old and just had another one. I follow his girlfriend on social media and she gushes about motherhood and all that and I think that's even worse than baby pictures. Pretty much no one knows what I'm going through, but I can tell you that after going through this I will definitely not post a picture of my stretch marks with a long paragraph about how I carried a baby for nine months and it's amazing and being a mom is better than everything ever. UGH.

And then there's my two best friends (who are sisters) who used to ask me every time they saw me when I was going to get pregnant. The last time I saw them was in February at a wedding reception and they said it and then said, "I guess you're not pregnant since you're drinking wine. You better get on it, our cousin is already 16 weeks!" The cousin had gotten married in the fall, so they basically snapped their fingers and got pregnant. So finally I just told them we'd been trying for a year and I have PCOS so the questions would stop.

Also any time someone complains about their babies or pregnancy I want to scream. I get it, you don't get a lot of sleep, but COME ON PEOPLE!!!

SP128

@MJDsquared me me me me. I'll take the sleepless nights and poopy diapers and no "me" time.  People who had motherhood come easy don't know the struggle. 

funkykey

@Worldtravler0522 - She told me she was pregnant the same day I found out I was miscarrying. That is awful timing!!

@notamyrtle - The other, bigger, sadder reality that I'm contending with is that actually, I'm not sure I can be close friends with people who are pregnant or just became mothers. Understandably, their minds are focused on their pregnancy or new motherhood status, and I just can't go there with them without feeling like my heart is racing and my brain is screaming inside my head. - Ugh. I find for me, it really depends on the person. I have one friend who is so sweet and post-partum, and I don't mind talking to her, mostly because she's really funny about it, and also very supportive of me. Like she's 100% convinced we are going to have kids, and then also spends a lot of time complaining about the hemorrhoids she's had since giving birth... That part, I really don't envy - definitely makes it easier to talk to her, because it's not all: "Oh, I love being a mom!"

@Kim41313 - you're not a terrible person. Even before I was IF, I had a hard time with baby talk about the LOs... not because I'm not happy for the parent, but because I find some of that talk gets boring real fast. You can love your baby and still have other interests/hobbies/a knack for adult conversation, you know?

@MJDsquared -  I follow his girlfriend on social media and she gushes about motherhood and all that and I think that's even worse than baby pictures. and  I will definitely not post a picture of my stretch marks with a long paragraph about how I carried a baby for nine months and it's amazing and being a mom is better than everything ever.  - Ugh. Again (like above), I find this kind of stuff both boring and obnoxious. I try to remember with people like that, sometimes they are just trying to convince themselves, and maybe don't have a lot else going on, or have low self-esteem or something. But maybe I'm just judgmental/had a more conservative upbringing... 

My DH sometimes gives me a hard time because I'm more likely to complain about him than say nice things about him, at least publicly. To me, saying nice things about him in public seems like bragging, like: "Oh my H is so great"... (DH is like: "But you complain about me so readily!") Obviously, privately I compliment him and tell him I love him, but I really cannot bring myself to do anything like that on social media, or even in public with our friends. Sometimes, I'll see other people post things like: "so in love with my handsome husband!" and I think: "Barf. Get a room."

Anyway, really cannot see myself being publicly demonstrative of my children on social media, I'm just not like that, nor would I want to parent that way. Maybe my distaste for it makes me less jealous? I dunno - I don't feel jealous when I see stuff like that, just a sense of confusion as to why someone would want to behave like that, revulsion at the public display of affection, and disinterest in the person's intellect. I honestly would rather talk about hemorrhoids or cervical mucus than talk about the "miracle of motherhood." 

I really do think a lot of my reaction is cultural though - I had a way more conservative upbringing than my husband, and my family can be kind of buttoned-down compared to some. My H's family is way way more open (particularly the Latin side ) and demonstrative about the affection stuff than me, so please take my reaction with a grain of salt!

MJDsquared

@funkykey I actually totally agree, I am so not a gusher, and doubt I'd ever post anything like that even if we got KU immediately and everything was sunshine and rainbows. I even feel weird doing birthday posts, not just for DH, but like, friends make collages of pictures for their friends for their birthdays and post them...I'm over here like, "I'll text you or write on your wall!" haha.

And yet, I get angry at the gushers anyway.

Charligirl28

***TW***I have an ex-coworker who stops by the office a lot with her little one. She TTC for years and decided to adopt. Well turns out she is now pregnant. I wanted to cry (did alittle in the bathroom), but I guess I can look at it like a hopeful success story right? Still, this girl is full of envy!

SP128

Meanwhile, I'm the weirdo that goes to seek it out.  I feel like if I figure it out before the announcement it'll somehow hurt less.  I'm always looking for that "baby bump"  The people I know are as fertile as hell!  I don't know the back stories but it seems that way.

weareturtles

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know that finding out others are getting pregnant is not easy for us, however, it is comforting to know that your friend has been considerate of your feelings and situation. I kind of wish people would be more sensitive with me, but most people don't know my situation because we've kept it so private. However, the people who do know my situation do not seem to take my situation into account and blab to me about family members that I haven't seen or spoken to in many years getting pregnant.

@notamyrtle - I am contenting with that reality too. I feel like a bad person for distancing myself from people who are pregnant or new mothers, but it is hard to be excited for them and spend time with them (and their LO).

eranvo27

@funkykey I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know it isn't much consolation, but at least she is a good enough friend to know how much her happiness can hurt for you. Hopefully things start looking up for ypu soon! (((Hugs)))

20baby17

UGH I can relate to these stories as well, unfortunately. Right when I miscarried after having tried for so long TTC in the first place, every person I knew was announcing their pregnancy, all due when I should have been as well, and several without trying at all. All felt like stabs to the heart but I have to keep the hope that SOME DAY it will be my time and it will be a healthy pregnancy and all will be okay. Without that hope, I would just cry every day which wouldn't help me at all.

My best friends all have babies, brand new babies at that, and I definitely feel the distance that has grown, particularly with one of them, who I miss the most. I think she feels bad talking about being a new mom and so she doesn't talk to me often anymore since it's all she talks about. I probably should say something but I don't know.. 

I'm glad I have no more baby showers coming up for a while because those were the hardest to get through. Others in my family and friends have commented on how they know it must be hard for me and somehow that doesn't really make it better because then I start feeling worse that they feel bad for me and pity me.

IF is a b**** but we have to get through each day and keep the hope that one day it will happen for each of us!