TTC and not be bitter towards those who are preggers!

kinzielee11

Hi everyone! 

This is my first time writing on one of these but I have been going through a pretty rough patch the last couple of months and I am hopping that this will help. 
I am 24 years old and have been married for 3  years now to my high school sweetheart. 
My husband and I have been ttc now for 2 years and nothing has really been going out way. We kind of knew it was going to be a bumpy ride when year one of our marriage I had to have my right ovary and tube removed due to a huge cyst that had wrapped around my tube and cut off circulation to them. Prior to having this happen I had extremely regular periods that were extremely heavy and had awful cramps. I had been put on birth control when I was 14 because of this. It wasn't until another year later that we realised that I had PCOS and Endo which just started a never ending battle with cysts and killer camps. 
This brings us to present day. 
Like I said before we have been ttc for 2 years now. I have kept track of everything from bbt to cf. I have numerous ovulation calculators going and even test but some months I will ovulate and sometimes I will go 2 months w/o. I have been on 4 cycles of clomid or should I say Satan and nothing but the horrific cramps and mood swings later. 
Recently it has been pretty rough emotionally though because everyone in a 50 mile radius of me has become pregnant. And as hard as it is to believe I really am happy for them but it kills me a little bit everyday when I have to see them at work, church, fb or any other place just talking or even walking around. I also have a "pack" of in-laws after us to have a child and we have had numerous convos with  them about the delicate topic much less the need to say "well of you would not have had surgery we might have had a grandbaby by now"  is unnecessary
I guess I'm just trying to not be so bitter and have a nervous break down everyday. So if you have any tips or tricks about how to stay positive and deal with the hand we have been delt not to mention the in-laws and family that tend to pry that would be awesome.

Thank you all in advance!!!  

Worldtravler0522

First of all I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  Secondly I wish I had some amazing advice on how to cope but if I'm being completely honest the jealousy and anger has been a huge issue for me too.  

My best advice for you is to find peace in anyway that you can.  One thing that has helped me a lot is getting off of social media.  I personally just kept getting depressed and angry every time I would login because boom there would be an ultrasound of someone else luckier than I have been.  Figuring out what my triggers are and avoiding them has been helpful too.

As for your in laws/family I would try to shut that down as best you can.  Could you maybe just say something along the lines of I know you are eager for us to have kids and we are too but as you know we have some hurdles due to my surgery.  We appreciate the interest and excitement but unless we bring it up the subject is off limits because we don't need the additional pressure.  I know it's super hard and I struggle with a mom who wants to know every last detail but I found the less I share the less angst I had.   

This is a tough journey made even more difficult by the fact that we are pumped full of hormones.  Try to be easy on yourself and just try to find peace in anyway you possibly can.  I know I said that before but it really has helped me cope with a lot of the crap that's been thrown at me in this process.  I hope your stay is short and you get your BFP soon!      

funkykey

Welcome @kinzielee11 - I hope you find support on these boards!

I am also sorry to hear of your troubles, and of your cyst and loss of right ovary and tube. If I'd been through that and someone had said to me: "well of you would not have had surgery we might have had a grandbaby by now" no joke, I might have actually spit on them. I actually cannot believe someone said that to you - as though your surgery was something you wanted, and not a medical necessity with a tragedy that the ovary and tube couldn't have been saved. The ignorance!

Reading your post made me think you and I might have very different lives - in my city, it's rare for women to get pregnant before they are 29. I actually don't think any woman I went to highschool with got pregnant before they were 28 - maybe - MAYBE - there was one. My sister got pregnant with her first at 25 - she'd moved to a small town far away for graduate school, and fell in love there, and it was a scandal. They were trying, and living somewhere it was common for women to get pregnant at 25, but I remember so many people in our hometown clutching their pearls and saying: "God, but she's SO young!" Like as though she was a teenager.

Anyway, I only mention this with the hopes that it will make you feel better. In some areas, absolutely no one in a 50 mile radius of you would be pregnant at 24. For real! So at least some of the pressure you are feeling is cultural. Not that that makes it any easier to endure... So much of the IF pressure is cultural - you're too young, or you're too old and should have known better, you put your career first, or you're not eating enough pineapple or tracking closely enough, whatever you're dealing with "isn't really an illness"... It's exhausting, and (quite frankly) deeply misogynistic. When I think about that, it lightens my load a bit - it's hard, but at least in my own mind I can separate out the real pressure from the BS-misogynistic-cultural pressure.

Even still, though: IF sucks! Where you're at sucks. At the risk of showing my aggro big-city-girl roots, kudos to you for not telling your in-laws to "go f*ck themselves" and "mind your own g*dd*mn business". Because, actually, that's likely what I'd do - albeit in a much nicer way. But then I'd probably make a barbed comment too, just to show my teeth.  

As for the jealousy: ugh. I've had a couple of jealous moments - most of the time, I'm fine, but there have been 3-4 pregnancy announcements that I've had a hard time with. I posted something similar on another thread, but I find it helps to remember that everyone - EVERYONE - will have a hard time in their life, at some point. Maybe many years from now, I will be fine, and my friend will be sick and she will be jealous of me running around with my beautiful family... We all will face challenges in our lives, and when we go through them, we should do our best to be gentle with ourselves, and patient with ourselves for feeling that way.

Truthfully, anger has been more my companion on this journey than bitterness. I try to accept that all these dark feelings - the anger, the bitterness, the jealousy - they are healthy emotional responses to what is a very dark time. Anger, jealousy, bitterness - they are not bad, so long as you use those emotions to fuel you to make your life better, to take action, and to move forward. The darkest hour is just before the dawn.

Good luck with your journey!

ps. I am surprised you are on clomid with PCOS. Did an RE prescribe it to you? Were you monitored for cysts? Do you have a treatment plan going forward? I don't have PCOS or endo (that I know of!), but lots of women on these boards do, and I'm sure you can find more information about what worked for them. Has your husband had his semen tested?

tops-2

Sorry you have to be here Unfortunately I don't really have any stay-positive tips as I am bitter and angry with the world too haha.
But hang in there! We're all here for rants and support now

MooFish2364

Welcome @kinzielee11! I can't really speak to tips on becomming less bitter. This is something that I struggle with as well. My old boyfriend from high school and I have remained friends for the last 15+ years and he just announced that his girlfriend was pregnant with their second. I also had another friend announce her surprise 4th pregnancy - the 6th baby for she and her husband's combined family. All I could think of was that all of my friend are finishing up their families and I can't even get mine started. I needed up crying all the while I was cooking dinner last night.

I agree with @Worldtravler0522 the you might want to get off of social media at least for a while. I am going to do just that. 

I also agree with @funkykey - I would be outraged if someone told me that I shouldn't have had surgery so that I could be a baby machine. Your life and health are worth way more than your ovary! Please don't let anyone let you feel guilty for that. Not even for a second! 

SP128

I am so sorry that you are dealing with in laws who are so outward. Very nice that your baby is very much anticipated but please just mind your own damn business people. I have a mother who likes to remind me how old I am every time I see her. For this reason she does not know that we are trying. 

I have no tips on reigning in the jealousy the anger and the hurt. I've been there and some days I'm still there 

I liked what @funkykey said about people will have struggles at different points in their lives. For us, it's the IF. 

What makes me feel better at the moment is to think that when my baby comes it'll be such a gift. I'm hoping that when that day happens it'll all be worth it. 

Your surgery wasn't elective so it's senseless for people to say that if it wasn't for it, they would have a grand baby. I'm sure you didn't wake up and say that you wanted an ovary and tube removed. 

Sorry about jumping all over the place. Mobile bumping at work. Sssshhhh don't tell.

hoffmanr7

Welcome.  I am sorry you have to be here but am glad you joined us.  I am sorry for the hurtful thing your in-laws said to you.  I would be very angry if it had happened to me.  As @funkykey said, it's not like that was someting you just elected to do.  It was a medically necessary surgery that was beyond your control.

As for the coping..everyone learns to cope in their own ways.  I think you have taken a good step by joining the board.  I think you will find there is a great group of women here.  I have personally found it to be a great source of comfort and support, because we all are going through similar journeys.  

I hope you find what you need here.  *hugs*

MJDsquared

@kinzielee11 I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of insensitivity from your in-laws, and with IF in general. People can really suck.

I can't really help you with the bitterness, because I get irrationally upset by pregnancy announcement/baby pictures/etc. It varies day by day what my reaction will be, but I'm considering hiding people from my news feed if they're pregnant/have a baby and they're not someone I really care to keep up with.

girljoe

I wish I had some magic words of comfort and some special formula for making things better, but what I do have for you are sincere prayers.

You've had some great suggestions about how to protect yourself from things that will pull you down.  I hope it helps.  About your in-laws and other family, sometimes people want to be grandparents so badly they are blinded to the struggles of their children(-in-laws) even when they are bluntly told.  Maybe your pastor or someone else could pull them aside and explain they are actually hurting you and your husband with their words.  Possibly having someone other than you tell them will help it break thru.    

kinzielee11

@funkykey  I actually almost had a "I'm going to stab you with a fork" moment when she first said it but thankfully for both parties my husband stepped in and we quickly left. We have had multiple conversations with her since along with other members of our family and they seem to all lead to the same thing. One big sob fest where they break down and cry and then say "we went through the same things then the next month at the next family gathering (have a huge fam. btw) someone is brave enough to test my composure. Some how I lasted for two years before I completely snapped on a few. 
As for the clomid my RE did prescribe it to be bit it was a low dosage and I have become pretty close with my cyst and can tell when one is coming on and usually how big they are so if I felt one coming on I would go back and get an ultrasound just to monitor the size. 

limeburst

Welcome @kinzielee11! I am sorry you have to be here, but you have come to the right place for support. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with those insensitive comments from your family. Some people just don't get it. I second what others have said about maybe "taking a break" from seeing certain people. My MIL always makes comments when we see her about having children. We have not shared with anyone in our family that we are trying and have been for a while, so they really don't know that they're being insensitive, but of course that doesn't make it any better. 

As as far as "pregnancy envy" and feelings of bitterness, it is something that I think we all experience. Don't beat yourself up over it. You can help the way you feel. ((Hugs)). I hope things get easier for you. 

Charligirl28

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish I had some great advise for the jealousy but I find myself jealous all of the time. I just tell myself I don't know their story. Maybe they have other hurdles in their own lives they are struggling to get past. But yeah, it is pretty much impossible not to be jealous.

mandilyn1127

@kinzielee11 I completely get it! I wish I had some words of wisdom.  It is a really hard and a large emotional strain you feel every time someone says they are pregnant. When you struggle to have a little one of your own, it almost seems as though everyone around you all of the sudden is having a baby. Meanwhile you silently stew over it. I have had moments where I literally screamed at my phone seeing an announcement on Facebook and my DH staring at me like a crazy woman. I try to just tell myself that every baby is a blessing and you don't know the path they have traveled. Helps to keep my crazy pants a tad a bay. Sending lots of hugs and good vibes your way. 

Jessica p

Sorry your going through this but I know how you feel my sister in law is pregnant right now and some friends too. It feels like every where I look I see a pregnant women. My family really doesn't say anything because no one knows we are having trouble ttc but my in laws keep asking us when we are going to have kids. It feels like a little piece of me dies every time my DH tells them not right now. I just want to tell them to mind their on business. And the worst thing about it all is some of his cousins that are younger then us keep popping out kids they don't take care of. But I know God will bless me with my little bundle of joy soon. Keep your head up and I hope you get your little one soon. Good luck! 

eranvo27

I don't have much to add but I totally understand how you are feeling. Facebook has been a bit of a nightmare with everyone posting their good news. I feel like such a horrible person that my first reaction is a half-hearted smile. I am happy for my friends and family but it still hurts. I still haven't figure out how to deal with all of the emotions yet. I have one friend on Facebook constantly complaining about how she doesn't want to be pregnant and in my line of work I have to deal with women day after day telling me how unfortunate it is that they are having another baby. I wish I had some profound advice that would help you through all this but all I can offer are hugs and well wishes.