Telling the EX(s) — The Bump
October 2017 Moms

Telling the EX(s)

Hey ladies, I just wondered if anyone else is in this boat or has dealt with it before. DH and I are both second marriage, so we both have kids from before with someone else. 
My ex and I are on fairly good terms and tend to be able to talk about things so, while I think telling him with be somewhat awkward I'm not to worried about things there. My DH's ex though... she's very spiteful and mean. Example, 2 days after DH and I got back in town from our tiny wedding she had her lawyer on us over 'back child support' which turned out to be around $200 we had missed because we messed up when he was out of work over a year before the wedding. This woman waited a year to come after us over $200 just so she could do it right after our wedding! She also claimed that the investments my DH cashed in to pay for our trip and ceremony she was intitled to part of, which she wasn't and that was held up. 
My over all point is just how spiteful she is and how she goes out of her way to make happy things for us turn sour. I don't even want to face telling her. If we could never let her know I'd do that, but we will be telling his other kids (of corse!) and anything they know they tell their mom. 
I want to be happy. I want to enjoy this with DH. I want my daughter to be able to be excited. I don't want his ex to do something crazy and make things bad again like she always does. 
Do anyone have any advise? I'm only 8 weeks so it's not hard to hide or anything right now, but I know that won't last forever. My daughter will be finding out when we go for ultrasound at the end of next week because I'm going to have to bring her with me due to crazy schedules. Once she knows she will tell her brothers, but we have 50/50 so ultrasound is a week we don't have the boys so I've got about 3 weeks to figure this out. 
I know it's going to boil down to deal with it and whatever she does, but I'm so stressed about
this. Any help would be great. 

Re: Telling the EX(s)

  • @GenTK I haven't been in your situation but I would definitely try and think of the specific ways she might try and make things hard and try to counteract them as best as you can. What are you afraid she might do?
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  • GenTKGenTK
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    @jessafishy I'm trying to think what she will do. The top things I can think of are to do something else child support related that winds us up in court again, that's her favorite. While it doesn't tend to work out in her favor is does cost us in time with the lawyer and stress that this time she will manage to win. Calling cps, which she's done once, they came out and found nothing and closed the case but it's still super stressful. Or getting her youngest to be mean about it, say horrible things. He's 10 and autistic. Whenever she gets upset about something she always puts some spin on it to him about how it's us being so mean to her so he comes to our house and says how "it was really mean of you to spend my mom's money on that." because what happened was she wanted more child support, got denied, and a couple weeks later we bought a Wii U for the kids to play at
    our house. He told his mom about the wii and she started crying about how it wasn't fair and it was her money so he came back to us telling us how we were so awful. So I worry she's going to turn him against the baby somehow. 
    She's very manipulative. DH, myself, and her oldest who's an adult and has chosen to cut off contact with her at this point all think she's a textbook  narcissist. Her mother had borderline personality disorder and we think it might have carried on in the next generation. It's really a mess.  
  • @GenTK I am really sorry you are having to deal with that. All of those things sound like hard things to counteract as well. I would definitely try and be the one to sit down the 10 year old and talk to him about the baby before he is able to talk to his mom about it. Baby's safety and relationship with big brother are very important.

    The rest of it I don't have any better advice than just mentally prepare yourself and realize she is just lashing out because it's the only way she can have some semblance of "control". 
    I heart theSkimm
    I heart YNAB
    “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, 
    if one only remembers to turn on the light." 
    - Albus Dumbledore
  • What a mega bitch! I'm so sorry that she's so spiteful and that you can't peacefully enjoy this beautiful moment in your lives. When it comes to these types of people, it's hard to think of what they will do next because they are wired differently. I think it's best that your DH tells her when he drops the kids off. If you both tell her, she may get triggered by seeing you two together and being all happy and in love. When she asks how you are going , I would exaggerate that you feel shit because that will probably make her spiteful little ass feel better and curb any evil plans that she has.

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  • @GenTK
    She sounds quite immature!! Maybe the check fraud will work in your favor??
    Personally DH and I don't plan on saying anything to his ex.  We have the kids 50/50, but it's a weird 3/4 day each week schedule.  I think we're going to tell my step kids this weekend.  I'm pretty sure it'll be the first thing out of my stepdaughter's mouth next time she sees her mom.  She's 12, but can't really keep things quiet.  
    I'm hoping child support to the ex will go down after baby is here.  Like I said, I don't actually see her spending it on anything for the kids.  
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