Let's Talk About Parents

mrs_tacos

Last week we talked about in-laws, and I was going change it up with a new type of topic this week, but there were a lot of stories about moms yesterday, so I thought maybe we needed this topic today.

So, tell me about your parents. How is your relationship with them? Is it better or worse now that you're an adult? How are they responding to this pregnancy?  

 

JNR6510

I don't have any relationship with my family, and I plan on keeping it that way. I grew up in a very abusive home where women were considered nothing more than a servant (and basically sex slave) whose only purpose in life is to do what her husband says and to whelp a litter of kids as often as possible.

My parents don't even know we are pregnant and likely won't ever know unless I happen to run into them by chance.

wyomama0427

There isn't enough time in the world for this lol! Long story short. I had a rocky childhood with a mother who had depression and migraines and never got off the couch and a dad who was home basically one day a month. Mom got a job when I was in elementary and things got a little better but my parents and I didn't get along when I was in high school. At all. They didn't approve when I moved in with DH at 18, or quit college, but now that I live three hours away we are much better and appreciate the time we have together when I visit. 

wyomama0427

JNR6510 said:

I don't have any relationship with my family, and I plan on keeping it that way. I grew up in a very abusive home where women were considered nothing more than a servant (and basically sex slave) whose only purpose in life is to do what her husband says and to whelp a litter of kids as often as possible.

My parents don't even know we are pregnant and likely won't ever know unless I happen to run into them by chance.

Wow, I am so sorry you grew up that way. big hugs to you.

mrsmarygs

JNR6510 said:

I don't have any relationship with my family, and I plan on keeping it that way. I grew up in a very abusive home where women were considered nothing more than a servant (and basically sex slave) whose only purpose in life is to do what her husband says and to whelp a litter of kids as often as possible.

My parents don't even know we are pregnant and likely won't ever know unless I happen to run into them by chance.

Sounds kinda like the Duggars....

Becky012016

I was an only child to a single mom.  I ruined her life, apparently. She's dead now but oddly that made the relationship worse because there's no closure. 

cmar1006

@JNR6510 wow, that's so tough! 

@daniellelynette glad you have a better relationship now!

My relationship with my mom is definitely better with distance. We talk everyday via text or FaceTime, so we really have a good relationship. When we are together we butt heads so much. We are way too much alike. My dad is great, he just goes with the flow. DD adores them. We were able to leave her with them over the weekend two weeks ago when they came to visit. 

They are thrilled about the twins. This will be grandchild numbers 7 & 8 for them, so while they are excited, it's a been there done that sorta thing. But twins are new, so that part is exciting for them. 

JNR6510

@daniellelynette Thanks. Honestly I'm just happy I got out of there and that my DH is awesome!
@mrsmgsee Lol. Pretty darn close. Their whole church believes all rape is a woman's fault. Because either the guys wife wasn't  putting out enough or the girl assaulted asked for it by being slutty. Definitely don't want our daughter exposed to that kind of twisted mentality.

mrs_tacos

My dad and I are great, and we've always been great. He's the person I've been closest to my whole life, with the exception of DH. My mom and I are very close now, but we had a rough relationship on and off while I was growing up. My mom had an emotionally abusive childhood, and she had a lot of issues she struggled with when I was a kid, and a lot of her issues got taken out on me, as her only daughter. (If she felt bad about herself as a woman, she didn't know how to affirm me as her daughter. A lot of her issues are tied up in her identity.) It was one of those things that when she was healthy, she was the best mom imaginable. When she was unhealthy, things got dicey. And when I was in high school, she just kind of checked out for a few years, and when dad wasn't home (he works 60+hours a week) my brother and I were basically emotionally and physically on our own, and since he's five years younger, I took care of him a lot. I'm like his second mom in a lot of ways. She was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which helped me make a lot of sense of her struggles. But I've just come to realize that while we are much better now, and we're much closer, my mom will always have weird things to deal with. But I also realize that, thanks to my physiologist father and his constant steadiness and insistence on lots of therapy, she's actually the healthiest person in her family, and my life could have been much more difficult. 

The part of BPD we have to deal with most frequently is a problem with boundaries. As in, my mom doesn't really have them, and has to work hard to understand appropriate ones. Both my parents are over-the-moon thrilled about this baby (their first grand baby), but my mom has struggled with boundaries. She's still calling it "our baby," despite us having more than one talk about it. (It would't bother me if she didn't do it in such an over-the-top manner, but she says it very theatrically, and it's just...odd.) She also begged me almost daily to tell her mom and sisters about my pregnancy, even though I had told her many times we weren't telling extended family until after a healthy NT scan. When I told her how my MIL had told DH's extended family about my pregnancy without consulting us first, she couldn't be supportive because she was too busy pouting that his grandma knew before mine. She's also already sort-of shamed me because I'm not interested in cloth diapering, and she thought I'd be as crunchy a mom as she was. It's little stuff that I can deal with, I just hope it doesn't get bigger. I can see her wanting to visit too often once Little Mister is here, or wanting to be too involved in the birth. For years, I thought I wanted her and my dad there when I gave birth, but now I think it will depend on how healthily she can manage to handle things over the next six months.  

 
ETA: Ack, sorry this got novel-lengthed! TL;DR: My mom had borderline personality disorder, and, though I love her dearly, she can be quite a pill sometimes. Boundaries are hard for her, and this pregnancy is no exception. My dad is basically a saint, and one of my most favorite people. 

mrs_tacos

JNR6510 said:

@daniellelynette Thanks. Honestly I'm just happy I got out of there and that my DH is awesome!
@mrsmgsee Lol. Pretty darn close. Their whole church believes all rape is a woman's fault. Because either the guys wife wasn't  putting out enough or the girl assaulted asked for it by being slutty. Definitely don't want our daughter exposed to that kind of twisted mentality.

I was homeschooled from 8-12th grades, and we knew a lot of Duggar-like families, and I now have several friends who are completely cut off from their families for similar reasons. I'm sorry you had to grow up like that, but I'm glad you got out, and found a healthy relationship!

mrsmarygs

My parents and I have a pretty good relationship. I grew up in a conservative home, where some of the churches I attended did tend toward the sort of thinking that @JNR6510 is talking about. We left the patriarchal movement (ATI, Vision Forum, etc.) when I was about twelve, and my parents began rethinking a lot of our standards and beliefs and the way the were raising their kids. They made mistakes, but they weren't afraid to admit it and apologize to us kids for things they taught and did. Overall I had a very happy, carefree childhood with lots of memories of crazy shenanigans with my siblings.

My mom and I have always been pretty close, as close as a child can get with six other siblings. We did butt heads a lot as a teenager and into my early adult years, but she has learned how to give me my freedom. And when I don't have her breathing down my back, I tend to go to her more for advice.

My dad knew how to play with little kids, but when we got older, he pulled away. I think he just didn't know how to relate to us very well. He and I would get into arguments about politics, religion, anything really, because both of us loved an intellectual debate. When I went off to college, I only talked to him now and again. But I know he loves me, we just have a hard time finding an adult relationship. He loves my DH and they get along very well, so that helps.

nouura

Like everyone else I've learned the safe distance to keep my parents at in order for us all to be happy. Both DH family and my own are a bit toxic so we used it as constant motivation to not let that happen to our own kids. I can imagine our children feeling he way we do about I teractig with our parents. Makes us feel guilty but what can you do?

mercury94

Oh, yay! I have been waiting for this thread. My dad is awesome. Super laid back. He and I have basically the same job, so we always have a lot to talk about. Also, he cried when I told him I was pregnant, so that was awesome. This is not the first grandbaby, but he's still super thrilled. 

My mom has a good heart, but she can be overbearing. She is a self-proclaimed child expert (special ed teacher for a long time). Thus, she is already telling me how to raise my kids. When my nephew was about a year old, we all went to Hawaii to visit for a week. My mom was concerned that he didn't talk enough and insisted on teaching him to sign. I know that sign language can be very helpful to child development, but my brother and his wife didn't know any of the signs. Even if it stuck, his parents wouldn't know what he was asking for when he signed to them. She insists that I need to have a c-section because I have a heart condition. My doctor disagrees, but she seems to think the doctor is wrong. She has also (without consulting me) planned a very long trip here for when the baby is due. She is flying my brother and his family in too. I'm happy to see everyone, but annoyed that she ignored me when I suggested they come a few weeks after the due date. This doesn't even get into the politics, but that is another huge issue for us. 

mrs_tacos

bridge-and-wall said:

-snip-
 This doesn't even get into the politics, but that is another huge issue for us. 

Oh yes. We do not talk politics with either side of the family. I just can't anymore, it's too exhausting. 

kelseyrayay

I adore my parents. My mom can be a bit crazy sometimes. But I try to understand where she is coming from. She tells me a lot that I'm not parenting my son the right way. That's really the only thing that drives me bonkers. But I'm just like my mom so lord help me lol I have a rocky past with my mother. 95% of my childhood she was addicted to drugs and my sister helped my dad take care of me. She isn't on them anymore so she has chilled out a lot. I almost went down the same path but I got pregnant with my son and I stopped abusing drugs and haven't touched them since then. 

mercury94

And because I apparently didn't complain enough, my mom just sent me a text to tell me that she doesn't like the stroller we registered for. She wants to buy us the one my brother has because it is "so easy to use." 

DaphneMoon1

My mom is awesome. There is no one I trust more with my kids (other than my husband). We have similar parenting styles and only bicker over little things. Overall I couldn't ask for a better grandma to my kids. They adore her. She's super excited about the twins and will be helping a lot once they are here.

my dad is a whole different story. He and my mom divorced 30 years ago. He's still bitter and has a lot of anger issues. I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 years after he told me I was a bitch just like my mother. Bye Falecia. 

Becky012016

bridge-and-wall said:

And because I apparently didn't complain enough, my mom just sent me a text to tell me that she doesn't like the stroller we registered for. She wants to buy us the one my brother has because it is "so easy to use." 

Well that's just silly. Strollers are inherently easy to use because they have wheels. I assume the one you registered for has wheels and will be just as easy as your brother's stroller. 

parker0706

bridge-and-wall said:

Oh, yay! I have been waiting for this thread. My dad is awesome. Super laid back. He and I have basically the same job, so we always have a lot to talk about. Also, he cried when I told him I was pregnant, so that was awesome. This is not the first grandbaby, but he's still super thrilled. 

My mom has a good heart, but she can be overbearing. She is a self-proclaimed child expert (special ed teacher for a long time). Thus, she is already telling me how to raise my kids. When my nephew was about a year old, we all went to Hawaii to visit for a week. My mom was concerned that he didn't talk enough and insisted on teaching him to sign. I know that sign language can be very helpful to child development, but my brother and his wife didn't know any of the signs. Even if it stuck, his parents wouldn't know what he was asking for when he signed to them. She insists that I need to have a c-section because I have a heart condition. My doctor disagrees, but she seems to think the doctor is wrong. She has also (without consulting me) planned a very long trip here for when the baby is due. She is flying my brother and his family in too. I'm happy to see everyone, but annoyed that she ignored me when I suggested they come a few weeks after the due date. This doesn't even get into the politics, but that is another huge issue for us. 

I have a heart issue as well and had a text book perfect first delivery, no c-section needed! The only thing my doctor encouraged but never pushed was for an epidural to potentially alleviate unneeded stress to my body through pain management. I did get the epidural but kind of wish I hadn't in some instances just because I had an easy delivery and I do handle pain super well. I'm sure I won't get as lucky this time around but here's hoping! 

mercury94

@Becky012016 Thank you. That totally made me laugh and feel better. 

DPandMB

+1 on the love my parents train. Ever since my daughter hit puberty and became a raging, walking bag of hormones, I call my mom frequently apologize for anything I ever did and thank her for not killing me.

jessieR358

Becky012016 said:

bridge-and-wall said:

And because I apparently didn't complain enough, my mom just sent me a text to tell me that she doesn't like the stroller we registered for. She wants to buy us the one my brother has because it is "so easy to use." 

Well that's just silly. Strollers are inherently easy to use because they have wheels. I assume the one you registered for has wheels and will be just as easy as your brother's stroller. 

Lol this made me laugh at loud and something my mom would do. She doesn't like the double stroller I want so she told me I don't need one anyways lol. definitely getting a double stroller! 

Sprite2012

I have a great relationship with my Dad, who lives in another state, but we see each other every couple months.  I had a great relationship with my Mom too, but she died almost 10 years ago when I was in my mid-20s.  My parents were still married and her death was unexpected.  My relationship has changed with my Dad because of her death, but not in a bad or better way.  It's just different now.  Tragic death does that to people.

On another note, I also have a great relationship with my in-laws.  Very good people.  We also see them every couple of months.

@JNR6510  I'm so sorry to hear about your traumatic childhood.  I'm happy you've moved on and found a healthy, happy relationship.

SummerGirl21

My relationship with my parents is okay.  We are not super-close, but we mostly get along.  I butt heads with my mom more than my dad.  She pretty much thinks she's perfect and raised her kids perfectly and wants all three of her daughters to be perfect like her.  (So far, middle sister is winning that race by a landslide.)  But she tends towards drama and gossips like no one I know.  My dad has become more laid-back as he's gotten older (both of my parents were very strict with us, even through college), but we don't talk a whole lot.  They live an hour and a half away, so they visit once or twice a month.  We don't go to their house if we can help it because my youngest sister still lives there (she is 26) and she is major drama.  But they love their grandkids and don't tend to get in our business about child-rearing too much.  They just like to do the regular grandparent thing of giving them all the toys and treats mom and dad won't let them have.

HollyGolightly09

My parents are both awesome. They will both do anything for me, and I actually enjoy hanging out with them. 

Growing up, my brother and I definitely had rules, but we probably had more freedom than a lot of kids and our parents did fun stuff with us a lot. 

msashley2010-2

Growing up with my parents, sometimes it was difficult. My father had debilitating mental illnesses and I was very sheltered and wasn't allowed to do much. Regardless, my father was an amazing person and I was a daddy's girl all the way. He spoiled me so much and when DD was born they had such a special bond. When I grew up and especially as a teen me and my mother did not get along at all. She could be extremely hurtful and resentful at times. My oldest sister was the perfect child in her eyes and I always felt she wanted me to be more like her. 

Now that I am older, more responsible and successful, I feel like I have gained much more respect from my mother. 

Unfortunately, my dad passed away at age 56 on December 1st last year of ALS and I feel a huge gaping hole in my heart where he used to be. 

When he started getting sick about about a year ago I was devastated because I knew that there was no way that he would survive this. I had to accept and appreciate the time that I had with him and even so I felt like he was taken far too soon. I feel like if I'd have known the last time I saw him was truly going to be the last I would have hugged him a lot longer, told him I loved him a few more times and made sure he knew how much he always meant to me. 

Now I'm making sure to be there for my mom in any way that I can. Any animosity in our past is just water under the bridge and I will do nothing but love that woman for as long as I am blessed to have her in my life. Quirks and all, she is my mom. 

She is so so so happy to be having another grandchild. We just wish my dad could have been alive to meet him/her. 

msashley2010-2

@JNR6510 I'm sorry you had to grow up in that type of environment!! 

@daniellelynette Sometimes I truly do feel like absence makes the heart grow fonder when it comes to parents. When I moved three hours away from my family I found myself calling them all the time and visiting at least once a month. 

@amandarene112  I'm sorry you had to deal with the rocky mom relationship as well. it sounds like her getting help for some of her issues have had positive results for everyone. Hopefully she is able to become a source of strength and not so much stress as your pregnancy continues. 

jenlynnbro

I love my parents and have a very solid relationship with both of them. It wasn't always that way, but I've learned that they did the best they could with what they had. My dad was an alcoholic but is sober now and loves his grandkids. My mom is an amazing woman who raised myself and my brother who had severe downs syndrome on her own after my father left her for the booze and another woman. She's a wonderful mother, grandmother and a strong role model for myself and my two daughters. They are both very excited about our third!

mrs_tacos

@Msashley2010 I'm so sorry about your dad, that is just heartbreaking. Have you considered honoring him as part of this baby's name? I think it's beautiful, though, that his passing brought you and your mom together. The way you describe feeling about your mom is how I feel about mine: quirks and all, she's the only mom I get, and I'm not going to let any struggles get between us. 

msashley2010-2

@amandarene112 I think it's a great idea to honor my dad some way as part of the baby's name. The baby was conceived within a couple days of his passing and I feel like this baby is such a blessing after such a big loss. 

Hopefully things with your mom continues to improve.  

msashley2010-2

jenlynnbro said:

I love my parents and have a very solid relationship with both of them. It wasn't always that way, but I've learned that they did the best they could with what they had. My dad was an alcoholic but is sober now and loves his grandkids. My mom is an amazing woman who raised myself and my brother who had severe downs syndrome on her own after my father left her for the booze and another woman. She's a wonderful mother, grandmother and a strong role model for myself and my two daughters. They are both very excited about our third!

Your mother sounds like an amazing woman. I'm happy your father was able to kick his addiction to alcohol. Some people never do. 

hatrats

Wow reading many of these has reminded me how blessed I am. I am sorry to those of you who have had serious issues and those who have lost parents. My parents each have their own struggles, but I love them both very much. Like many, we didn't get along at all during teenage years, but as soon as I moved out, everything was great again. My Dad is everything to me, and both parents are so accepting. There is nothing their kids could do to make them turn their backs. Family is the best thing in my life.

BigBadWolf12

Wow, so many tough times here. I'm glad some of you have better relationships now, and I hope for closure or reconciliation for those who still have loose ends.

I had a good relationship as a child and teenager; the rockiest point was the year DH and I were engaged....we were both feeling out the transition to independence (I got married at 21, so other than going to university for a few years I hadn't had much independence from them yet). As soon as we were married though, they backed off which made a world of difference. DH and I also left our home and native land and have lived overseas since shortly after our first anniversary, which may have also contributed to a good relationship now. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? We're not in each other's hair and LOVE the weekly skyping, more often than that emailing, and the few weeks at a time we get to see each other in the summer and at Christmas.

MadisonInspires

My father is just wonderful. And I couldn't ask for any better. My step mom, or bonus mom as I call her, is also just great. 
My mother on the other hand... she's munchausen by proxy and I'm pretty positive she's also incredibly bi polar. I've told her I'm expecting, and she's got a new boyfriend to act good for... so she's doing okay right now. A little passive aggressive dig here and there. But I'm really concerned about having her around my child really at all. I haven't talked to her in the past 3 years, she's had me blocked on Facebook and has turned her whole side of the family against me by playing victim in a made up scenario. My poor brother is just getting old enough to realize what she does and how to respond to it. It sucks. I'll be damned if I let my kid go through anything I did while I was growing up. I just really hope she'll come around sometimes too. Plus if I just keep her out it proves to that whole side of the family that I suck and she was right about everything. It's maddening. She's super interested in my life now that she knows, I just almost wish she had gotten mad and blocked me again so I didn't even have to deal with it. But, we will see what happens I suppose. 

ohheyitskristine

Warning: This is kind of a downer...
My mom passed away when I was 17. So getting married and now this has been especially hard. I really don't have that "emotional containment" (what my therapist called it) that moms and other motherly figures offer. My MIL is...I love her lots and she's awesome...but I just don't feel like I can go to her for much. She can get very judgey and conservative. 
I had a very hard day around 6 weeks or 8 weeks, where I literally could NOT stop crying. Yay for hormones! I had a huge migraine that just would not stop. I was actually nauseous and threw up (the only time this whole pregnancy btw). And my pelvic pain was intense. My husband asked me, "what can I do to help? what do you need? Is there anything you want?" And the only thing I could say in between sobs was "I want my mommy," which made me cry even more. 
I told my therapist all this and she said to try and find a "mother figure" who can be a support/emotional containment, but it's been hard to find someone.
My FIL and Dad have been excited. They can't wait to be Pop Pops! 
Emotionally, I am doing better now that I'm in the 2nd trimester. But I also think that my dance sisters have been awesome. I'm a Tahitian Dancer and the love and support you get from a dance studio is just amazing. If anything, they are my other family.
I'm just super glad that forums and stuff exist. Is there anyone else going thru their 1st pregnancy w/o their moms? 

MyNamesTaken

@ohheyitskristine So sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom when I was 22 to cancer. It's been really tough having so many milestones without her. My wedding was hard but having DS was harder. There were so many questions I had and my dad could only answer so many. My aunts were all supportive but it's not the same. DH's mom passed away before we got together so poor DS doesn't have a grandma at all. I know my mom would have LOVED to be a grandma and would have been the best. It makes me so sad knowing what my son and this baby are missing out on in a relationship with her. My dad is fantastic and we are close but nothing can replace my mom.

LaceyC1020

DH and I have a great relationship with my parents. My mom is my best friend. We all go on vacations together every year and we live about 15 minutes from them so we see each other often. They are SO excited about this baby. It'll be their first grandchild and my brother's first niece or nephew

Breath_Easy92

My parents are hippies However they think the only okay emotions are chill or happy but still "cool" about it. I have very intense emotions and they change quickly lol so it's still interesting with them. I just don't fit in. My dad is very sweet though and always will talk about people's feelings my mom almost denies all feelings but she is fun. They are both fun actually. My mom and I have a very surface relationship we don't go deep or talk about anything heavy I've accepted it. My dad likevto talk about philosophy and things but has little interest in anything concrete, he like abstract things. I'd like to be closer to him but something stops me.  I'm the problem though, I don't know why but I have such weird feelings about him. I don't like him touching me and he annoys me so easily. My whole life I feel like I've had an advertían to him. He has made his mistakes (he struggles with severe depression which caused him to not leave his art studio for years and he would disappear for months) but he's made up for them ten fold and I really don't hold a grudge I understand his restlessness. 4 years of therapy and we couldn't figure out why so try, try again. 

yasandson

My parents lived in canada for 19 years. Then one day told us we were moving back to morocco. And so we did. I was 18, not done with college. Stayed with them in Casablanca for 6 months, couldnt get used to it. Left them and my little sister to come back to montreal, where i had always lived. Struggled, financiallybecause they would not help, took me a while to be able to be stable enough to go back to school. Because i had no fam to guide me ( we wouldnt talk often) i have made a lot of bad choices, which they still hold against me. I spent 9 years by myself here, visited them once (plane ticket is 1500$CAD +all the gifts and money ull needthere) .  It got a little better even since i got married, but to this day they still act like they still only have one daughter and shes the only one that matters. They sounded not so excited when i announced my pregnancy (my first). And im pretty sure my kids wont be loved by them as much as they should. 
Thankfully i have a wonderful fam in law here, and they are ssssssso excited about us having a baby.  ❤️