Mind if I have a Monday Meltdown too?

mountainlady

I'm an absolute mess I am on CD15 WTO for my first IUI + Femara (3rd cycle of the drug)... I would usually O between CD10-14.

Until last month I've always O'd on my own... last month I didn't receive any positive OPKs, and thought I must have just missed it. We had planned to do an IUI last month, but due to some unlucky bloodwork timing we couldn't, so I figured no big deal.

This month I started testing on CD10, once in the morning and once before bed. Nada. Zip. No lovely blue lines. I've also not had any of the usual breast tenderness or bloating I used to get.

I got in touch with the clinic to see what I should do - they said I've probably missed it, so let's just try again next time. But what if this happens a third month?! I've been getting CD21 progesterone blood tests for the last 5 months - apparently they haven't even seen them. When pushed they offered me a monitored cycle (double the cost) which I will probably take, even though it entails a 5hr drive every time. 

***TW*** My younger sister went into labour a few days ago - it was a 30hr ordeal, I am absolutely in awe of how wonderfully she managed it. She fought for it & the look of absolute joy on her face seeing her little girl is something I'll never forget!

I stayed by her side almost all the time (x2 2hr naps) and helped with counter-pressure, etc. It was exhausting even just being on the support team. I haven't been able to stop crying for more than a few hours since

My DH and I had planned to BD then (hopefully 2 days before IUI) but obviously couldn't under the circumstances. So we've not BD'd at all yet - and I am such a pathetic mess I don't know if we even could BD.

I feel so overwhelmed with the possibility that I will never get to be where she is now - and horrified by my jealous response to her joy. DH and I can't even manage to attend a bloody IUI.

***end TW***

To top it all off it's my birthday in a couple of days, and work just got REALLY miserable for the next 2 weeks. Every time I moan about it in the real world I feel like a idiot - compared to some of the trials people have to go through, I have nothing to complain about. But damn am I miserable.

funkykey

Oh, @MountainLady!

1. Birthdays when TTC are the worst. Mine is months away, and I am already freaking out.
2. Very exciting for your sister, but I'd have mixed feelings too, especially if there was no positive OPK.
3. Re no positive OPK - I am so sorry! So frustrating!!! And CD 15?

If it makes you feel any better, these last 2 cycles on clomid, I've only had a positive OPK on day 15, and usually I see them day 13 or 14. So you might get one yet. But still - between this and your bloodwork last month, the wait would be agonizing! I'm surprised they didn't ask you to come in for bloodwork today, to confirm if you'd ovulated or not.

I don't know about a monitored cycle next time - you may want to. But I'd definitely push to go in for bloodwork and an ultrasound at least on CD 12. 

Ugh, I'm so so sorry. All this waiting - it really is SO agonizing. Sure, some people have worse trials than you, I'm sure - but I'd be devastated if I'd missed 2 IUI possibilities in a row. 

Hang in there. Wine helps!

ps. re being too much of a mess to BD - I hear you. My youngest sister made a comment the other day about a couple we know who divorced - prior to their split, they hadn't had sex for something crazy, like 5 years. My sister goes: "Can you imagine?" And I was like: "Well, when I was younger, no. But now that I'm infertile and I've come to closely associate sex with disappointment and failure - yes, I can. Or if I'd had a traumatic childbirth or were suffering from PPD, I totally can imagine, sadly." (When I relayed my response to DH, he goes: "Oh, great." Hahaha. Our hope is, once we are through this, I will feel more like my younger self.)

Good luck, take care of yourself! Take all the time you need - this is a miserable time.

limeburst

@MountainLady all hugs to you. Sorry you are having such a hard time right now. It always seems like "when it rains is pours" is pretty accurate. 

Maybe be being monitored is a good idea, although a 5 hour drive sounds pretty awful. But at least the guesswork will be taken out. I'm surprised they're not monitoring you for a medicated cycle, I thought that was the standard. (I wouldn't know from expensive just from what I have read here and TTGP.)

As for you feelings about your sister, I think those are very normal and it's okay to allow yourself to feel those things. 

I hope things start to look up for you soon. And I second @funkykey, wine helps!!

kaitlink33

@MountainLady hugs to you. This journey is so frustrating. My birthday was last week, luckily it wasn't in the beginning of my cycle when things are most helpful and stressful for me, instead it was the day I triggered so I tried to be happy and positive. Hopefully your RE figures everything out for you and you get on to your iui soon. 

hoffmanr7

@MountainLady big over-the-web hug.  I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now.  I can see how frustrating that would be.  

MJDsquared

@MountainLady I think we all need a Monday (or any day of the week, really) Meltdown every once in a while. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Sending hugs!

SoonToBeMommaHowe

Lots of love sent your way @MountainLady. 5 hr commutes sound terrible but the peace of mind that would come with being monitored may just be worth it. Sorry you're having to deal with all this

notamyrtle

@MountainLady
So sorry. That is super frustrating. Even the 'simpler' IF treatments like medicated cycles are a huge imposition on our lives. It's like we're have to drop everything else to make it work. And yet we can't... life happens. And biology is unpredictable. But it sucks when we are expending blood, sweat, tears and $$$ for all this. 

Yikes, I don't know how you managed to be present for your younger sister's labor. I don't have a sister, but I can't imagine the complex feelings that come with siblings' pregnancies.

IF has made me dread birthdays. Definitely understand. 

We are all definitely entitled to our Monday (or Tuesday, or whatever) meltdowns so don't feel bad about having a tough day... or tough week or month or year. This journey sucks.

mountainlady

Thank you so much ladies - I didn't have a moment to respond, but I very much appreciated reading your support over the last few days!

@funkykey you were right... the Femara just pushed my O date back to CD17  DH drove me to the clinic on CD15 and we had an ultrasound - the technician said I had three follicles (15 - 16mm) and my uterus lining looked pre-ovulatory. He said to keep testing... and he was right, phew!

We ended up going for the IUI yesterday - much less painful than I was expecting. Our numbers weren't good, but I do think the whole palaver got DH into a place of greater understanding! He's horrified that there isn't more statistical info out there to help us & is going to get his spreadsheet-ing on this week... at last! He wants to give IUI one more shot.

We are signed up for a monitored cycle next round...

Thank you again!

funkykey

@MountainLady - yeah for not missing your O! And also - OMG - was your IUI on your birthday?! Hahaha! Best AND worst present, hm? 

FX for you! And just in case it doesn't work out, I'm glad you're going to have a monitored cycle as a back-up!

missmo-3

I'm so sorry you're feeling so many things at once, but don't be too hard on yourself, I think those feelings are totally normal! Though I can't imagine what you're going through right now, I can relate on some level about your sister and your brand new niece (congrats, btw!)... 

*TW* my younger sister just had her 4th child this past July and as happy as I was for her during her pregnancy, I was also feeling some kind of jealousy at the same time. My nephew is such a sweetheart and I love being around him, but I get those feelings too, and I agree, they're horrifying. 
*end TW*

Best of luck to you! ((hugs))