advice: my mother is making my pregnancy about her

gryffindorable

hello fellow September bumpies! First time poster
little back story; my husband and I have been married for 5 years, TTC for 2. My mother has always been very adamant that women in our family just "lie down and get pregnant" and that we must be doing something wrong for it to have taken so long; doctor's visits medically diagnosed issues aside. Growing up my brothers and I spent a lot of time in daycare and at my grandmothers house because my mom kept working and going to school- changing her major multiple times because with my dads job; money wasn't an issue. This was her decision as a mother and I'm fine with that. My husband and I discussed at long length before even getting engaged that we both wanted me to stay home and raise our children myself. Now that I am almost 12 weeks my mom has made this entirely about her. Telling every one of her friends and our family before I am able/ready and continually saying that she will have my baby 2-3 days a week because she "knows" I will be going back to work. She is currently converting her guest room into a nursery with a full baby wardrobe (we do not even know the gender). Her friend bought ME a very nice diaper bag and she said she is keeping it for herself since it is "her style". She talks like she is the one having a baby and plainly ignores the fact that I tell her I will NOT be returning to work and that while I appreciate her offer and that she is willing to babysit for occasional date nights; she will not be having my child enough that it will need a room in her house. I am very close with my dad and do not want to just cut her out as I will not only see less of my dad; but then he has to deal with her reaction to it. Anyone else been through/going through something like this? How did you handle it? How did it turn out?

awildrose

That's super lame. Is this her first grandbaby? I know my mom was given some "Grammy gifts" by her friends when I had my first- sippy cups, swaddle blankets, a pack n play, and a few stuffed animals. Those were all for her house. Maybe try to redirect her excitement? "Mom, I love that you're so excited for my baby. And I love that you're willing to be there for watching the baby when I need it. But it's hurting me that you're ignoring what DH and I have decided is best for us. It's also hurting me that your pouring all your energy into prepping your home when I would love to have your help preparing my home. I need you to help me, but right now I feel you're against and not supporting me."

IsItTacoTuesday

Woah!  Stand your ground (nicely and respectfully) about staying home and stay strong, you're making the right decision for you.  Your mom's time and money to outfit a nursery that will get little use is her issue, don't take that on your shoulders.  As for the diaper bag, send a nice thank you note, telling her you loved the bag and wished you'd be able to use it but your mom decided to keep it.  Maybe the friend would clear that one up, and frankly if I'd given something to someone through another person and they didn't get it, I'd want to know so I could make sure the person got the gift (or know to never repeat that situation again). This feels backhanded to your mom...but it is direct to the gift giver, and might solve this without hurting your mother and therefore your dad.  Deep breaths!  

gryffindorable

It IS the first grandbaby which is why I am trying my best to be patient and understand she is excited. I have been afraid to invite her to help me with my home preparations in fear she will just take that over too; but this may be a good solution- thank you!

gryffindorable

This is great as my mom is the one always on me about thank you notes; so this is something she couldn't really get mad about. I hadn't thought of it thank you!

Souptin

You're mom needs to calm her tits. She had her chance to raise babies. She needs to sit down- its your turn.

wyomama0427

MyNamesTaken

gryffindorable said:

It IS the first grandbaby which is why I am trying my best to be patient and understand she is excited. I have been afraid to invite her to help me with my home preparations in fear she will just take that over too; but this may be a good solution- thank you!

Could you set firm parameters for help? Like "I've chosen and bought this paint colour and these accessories. Would you like to help out them up?" Then you can have some time together and she's involved but the decisions have already been made? 

DPandMB

My in-laws were a bit like this, but not nearly to the extreme your mom is. I would make sure you stand your ground and continue to say things like no, this is the way we are doing it and I am staying home with my baby. Then maybe hopefully she will calm down once the baby gets here and she sees you are standing your ground.

maddisonwallace

My mother in law was like this and my mom was like this and continues to be a little even now that my son is 1. 
Because they're both so sensitive, it was easiest just for me to let them make the baby rooms, buy the clothes, whatever. It will all wind up at your house anyways and your eyes not the one spending the money. Winner! However, I do gently say "this is the way we are doing it." So they're not surprised when I don't allow them to do what they want or when I remind them the way they do things. Most of this will
blow over or settle down once the baby is here  

gryffindorable

Thank you everyone. It's even to the point where she has a how big is baby app on her phone- but fails to ever acknowledge that it's not HER baby. I know she regrets having us right after getting married and that is why she didn't spend time with us; but now regrets that as well. She is trying to get back the baby time she gave up with her own kids by taking it from me; but this isn't at all fair and should not be my problem. I have been very clear about telling her that I will be raising my own children but she just believes that I will feel the same way as she did when she had kids; trapped, bored and wanting freedom. I learned from her mistake and didn't get married right out of highschool. I had my time living with room mates, college, moving out of state etc. This is what she doesn't seem to understand; that a new mother would actually WANT to be home all day with their child. Sorry- that was long. It's a little therapeutic lol

gryffindorable

@maddisonwallace thank you; this gives me hope and is what I think is going to happen. I've been firm but know if I get TOO bad it will just upset her to the point of making everyone around her miserable and things harder for me in the long run. My MIL has been wonderful and keeps sending me cute maternity clothes, pregnancy pillows, things like that, along with a few cute baby things. It makes me feel great that she's acknowledging that I'm pregnant; not just that there will be a baby in September.

labby18

My baby will be my mom's 3rd grandbaby but technically 6th including my half brother's children - her step grandchildren. My mother is also driving me insane. She told all of her work. I called her cell to give her an update from a scan and a coworker answered asking how the grandbaby is. It took a lot of will power not to flip out. Mind you I live 1000 miles away from my parents. My mom is dictating when and where I can have a babyshower so it is convenient for her - mind you I JUST told family I'm pregnant over the weekend and she's been talking about a babyshower to be held over 5hrs away at my Aunt's house where none of my friends live etc for a few weeks. She also believes that we will be moving back to VA at the end of the year so all the grandbabies (the ones that have her blood) will be near by. Fun fact, VA is not an option for us, and we are more than likely heading to Japan. Oh also she has invited herself to be in town for delivery - which DH and I have agreed no parents are welcome until 2wks after i give birth as NO ONE lives here and theyll be staying AT our house. My mom has been telling me it better be a boy, and has previously told me that my 1st trimester symptoms didnt make sense bc she didn't have MS and she didnt find out she was pregnant with me or my brother until after 8wks. Moral of story...i also have a crazy mom. I have reduced talking to her and when I do I avoid the topic of my pregnancy. It's easier for me I guess because she's so far away. 
 

msashley2010-2

It sounds as though she is trying to live vicariously through you and put right what she perceives as her parenting flaws by putting all of this energy into her grandchild. She probably has a lot of regrets and feels she missed a lot so she doesn't want to miss out on having the time with this grandchild. 

I understand how this would make you feel uncomfortable. Especially with the diaper bag thing. That was out of line. I'd definitely do what PP said and write a thank you note to the one who bought it. 

My former MIL was very much like your mother as I was the one who had her very first grandchild. Although I was somewhat put off by it first I found that there were times after I had my daughter that I really did need a break and some time to myself. She started taking her on occasional weekend days and it worked out great for both of us! 

Hopefully your mom learns to tone it down a bit. 

mrs_tacos

I think you've gotten some really good advice here, and I definitely second putting your foot down firmly and not budging. Everything she's doing is very over the top- I've known a lot of grandparents who regularly babysat their grandkids, but none who had a full nursery for them.  

The one thing that bothers me is the the thank you note idea. It seems really passive aggressive, and I don't think that's a healthy way to play this. A thank you note for the gift is appropriate, but mentioning that your mom kept it a: might aggravate things further with your mom, and b: make the giver of the bag feel really uncomfortable. She's your mom's friend, not your relationship referee. If anyone should step in there, it's your dad, and if he won't, then put on your big girl panties and tell her how wrong keeping the gift is yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I just think bringing a third person into this is inappropriate, and kind of a cop out for dealing with it yourself.

I'm sorry you have to deal with any of this at all, I hope you can work it all out with relative ease! 

MyNamesTaken

I agree with @amandarene112. Bringing some unsuspecting third party into it won't help and will just make them uncomfortable. You don't want to be the one stirring the pot with respect to your mom's friends. I would tell your mom that you're keeping the gift and any time she's watching your baby, you'll leave the diaper bag too. Why on earth would she need her own diaper bag? 

gryffindorable

Thank you for the great advice! It actually helps a whole lot just venting here and having my feelings validated lol. I'm beginning to see that I just need to ignore the behavior and stay firm in what I've already been telling her. It is true also that her friend would feel awkward; and she will I'm sure notice that my mom still has it and she can be the one to explain that. Loving all these stories and heartfelt advice ❤

parker0706

I have no better advice than the previous ladies but lots of hugs to you for having to deal with this, totally unfair. My mom can be a little nutty but thank god her and MIL gave us our space the first time around and let us make our own mistakes and figure things out on our own. Hopefully some of the previous advice helps and your mom gets it together for your sake!

BookitBoo

Wow, this is incredibly shitty of her. Let me go ahead and prepare you -- I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as a FTM, so many people will continue to invalidate the choices you will say you want to make for your kids. You say that you'll stay at home and she says you'll be back at work. You say you want to try EBF, and someone else will tell you how that never worked for them (implying that it probably wont work for you, either, so why even bother?) New moms get the crap end of the stick because so many people have opinions and feel like their experience invalidates your plans. In my personal experience it even goes so far that people will attempt to invalidate your actual experiences as a new mom. For instance, I told people I needed to have an emergency section with my first, other moms shrugged and said that most likely I didn't need to, that it was the doctor trying to get me in and out and get a bigger paycheck. I told people I didn't produce milk with my first despite trying and they told me I didn't try hard enough. Eye rolls for days, man. FTM/New Moms get absolutely everything shoved on to them by strangers and family alike. My best advice for that is, shrug and thank them kindly for sharing their experience and then ignore the hell out of them. You know what you want for your family and it would annoy the fire out of me if someone kept insisted that I don't. Ignore your mom, don't mention it again, and then go on with your bad self and rock the hell out of stay at home momming.  

That being said, I would address the issue of the diaper bag with your mom. I like the idea of a thank you note to the gift giver, and then approach your mom about how you would very much like to use the gift that X gifted to your baby. Let her spend her money on a nursery and wardrobe that will hardly be touched, but don't let her take things actually away from you and the baby. 

mercury94

I think there's a theme here with crazy moms. Mine volunteered to move in with us in case we can't find day care before my maternity leave ends. Just stand your ground and remind her that this is your baby, not hers.

msashley2010-2

@gryffindorable I hope everything turns out okay! At the end of the day you know your relationship with your mom best and what your own boundaries are for what you feel is acceptable behavior. I think that sometimes mothers don't realize that by forcing themselves onto us, it actually makes us more inclined to push them away. 

Planning to stay firm with her about what you wish to do is the best choice and not backing down. I wouldn't let her influence you to go against your own wishes because it is something that she wants. This is your baby, not hers. She had her chance. Now it is your turn. 

Me and my own mom went head to head about some things when my daughter was younger. She eventually had to accept that I was going to raise my daughter the way that I wanted to and she learned to respect that eventually. 

awildrose

Total sidebar: @IsItTacoTuesday I LOVE your handle/name!! Tacos are my jam.   

harleyquinn0621

Although my mom is not as bad I did have to put my foot down when she assumed she would be staying with us immediately after the baby is born... it was tough and i felt bad but there is just no way.... just be firm and know that you know whats best for you and your family

lilpoots

Do not be afraid to calmly, but firmly say no over and over again. If that seems too harsh, you can make it a no thank you. It may also be a good idea to establish a relationship with a mom/aunt/etc you trust to not invalidate you, in the case that you need support, because there might be a lot of I told you so's from your mom and we all need support. I'm not suggesting that she'll be right about anything, but it's normal to have days where you need that extra boost or someone safe to share your doubts with. Of course, we are here too, but it's nice to have someone who can give you an actual hug at times.

jessieR358

I'm so sorry. I would be very upset with my mother. The only thing my mother has done remotely like this is saying she's buying something for my son and then keep it for herself. Like she bought "me" the uppa baby gluxe stroller but I have literally used it twice in a year. If I mention buying one myself she says well that's silly, this is your stroller...
i would ignore some of this behavior honestly, even though it would be very difficult. Like someone else has said I would mention to the friend that you love the diaper bag but she has taken it for herself. You need to set boundaries and you do whatever you want about working. Mother issues are a struggle with me because my mom watches my son on the days I work and if I butt heads too much with her then she threatens to quit and I don't have back up childcare. I feel for ya! 

Becky012016

If your mom is such a stickler for thank you cards, why doesn't she send one since she decided to keep the gift for herself? 

BigBadWolf12

Becky012016 said:

If your mom is such a stickler for thank you cards, why doesn't she send one since she decided to keep the gift for herself? 

This. I wouldn't mention that your mom took your gift to the gift giver, but asking your mom if she wrote a thank you note yet would be more direct and not bring in a third party. Plus I'd like to see her squirm!