Single Mother by Choice? — The Bump
Single Parents

Single Mother by Choice?

Hello, I am currently looking for advice. I'm considering becoming a single mother by choice, but its a big decision and most people I have talked to tell me to wait. I am currently 23 years old and getting a divorce. My husband and I have been married for three years and for the entire time we tried to start a family. Recently I found out that I have PCOS and we started fertility treatments. Two months into the treatments my husband wanted to stop and decided he didn't want this anymore. I won't go into details about it, but now I am stuck with the decision to stop my treatments and continue the wait, continue with a donor, or freeze my eggs for later (this option was my RE's suggestion and one that my insurance does not cover). I keep getting told to wait since I'm so young, but I have wanted a family for so long and after three years of heartbreak and being so close to finally getting it..I'm not sure that I want to put it on hold again. At the same time using a donor was not in my plan and is a big decision to make. So any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. And if there is anyone who chose to be a single mother at a younger age I would love to hear from you!!

Re: Single Mother by Choice?

  • @famiylgrl86 I know you said you don't regret taking time off, but do you wish you would have done it sooner?
    I feel like if I'm going to do it  should do it now. I'm currently living in his home state where I have no family and little friends. In a few months I'll be moving back home or going active duty since I'm already in the national guard. That decision will be determined soon based on the housing situations back home. My parent's are currently helping me find a place but if I can't find one or at least one reasonably priced then I will go active duty for a more stable and secure life. If I go back home the closest RE s about 3 1/2 hours away making things a little more difficult. Plus I really like the doctor here. If I choose to go active and choose to use a donor I would like to do it before going active that way I would be able to get housing on or off post before moving.

    Its a lot to decide and I know that I really want a family, but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I know I have a lot going on and a lot of life changes are happening, but I can't do anything about it and its best if I start moving on and doing what's best for me. I just don't know if waiting would be better or if I would regret not doing it sooner.

  • to be honest I don't think I would have regretted it either way. I say go for it :)
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • You're like the first person to say that! Everyone else has said to wait because of my age and the situation. they say I have time and I need time to mourn the marriage.

  • lol besides a few friends when I originally was going to just keep going everyone told me the same thing. That I should wait & I'd meet someone new etc. I mean don't get me wrong I think now that I'm not emotional about my ex the whole process has been a lot less stressful, but I don't think I would have regretted it. Getting over my ex first didn't leave me wanting a baby any less. 
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • That's how I feel. I've wanted this for a while and I'm still going to want it without him. Everyone says wait and maybe I should, but I'll still be wanting it and after 3 years of trying I feel like waiting any longer is an eternity! lol
    As for my husband, its going to be a while to fully get over him. I first started dating him when I was 15, because my family moved we broke up but stayed in touch for five years before dating again and then getting married. He has ptsd and it has completely changed. He hasn't been the man I married for a while. He decided that this wasn't what he wanted. After being upset for a while, we talked and both agreed that it just wasn't the same anymore. I know that deep down I'll always love him, but more so the man he used to be. Knowing that he's not the same is what hurts the most, and that will take time to get over if even possible.

  • I think that ultimately it is your decision. Only you can make it. I am a single mother by choice. I adopted my two beautiful boys when I was 29.

    Being a single parent by choice is easily the hardest and yet most rewarding thing that I have done.  I actually did not plan on it, though I always knew that I wanted children and “mister right” had not come around. I was also adopted and so I also knew that I wanted to adopt sometime in my life.  I have never regretted my decision.

    That being said, it is HARD. You really need to factor in a few things such as expenses (kids are expensive).  As a single parent by choice, there is no CS or other people helping you financially.  (Not that all those who should receive CS actually get it.) Children are just as expensive when they are older as when they are infants. The other thing to consider is time. I work a wonderful job where I only work when the children are in school. I am blessed that this job offers me a good income as well as great hours. Work can also be difficult if you do not have a supportive boss. My youngest has asthma and had chronic ear infections as a baby. The first 2 years of his life, I was at the doctor with him every 10-14 days. He has had tubes surgically placed in his ears three times. He has had his tonsils and adenoids out.  All of these occurrences take time away from work.  As a single parent, you are the only one who can take time off, even with normal colds and such, this can eat up your sick and vacation days very quickly.

    Also, you need to think about how you will address things like school projects involving the father. (My kids make things for uncles and grandpa.) It is not a huge deal, but don’t let it catch you unawares.

    Becoming a parent has been the best and toughest thing that I have ever done. I would not change it for the world! 

    Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.

  • Thank you, I really appreciate your input! I know that it is my choice in the end, but hearing from others who have gone through it helps a lot. I had decided to continue with it and was looking for a donor online, but I have recently learned about a little girl here in town that's in need of a family. She's four months old and blind so her mother wants to find her a different family. I'm currently trying to get a hold of the mother to talk to her about adopting the little girl. My friend is the one who told me about her and her uncle knows the woman. It's just a matter of actually getting into contact with the woman. If I am able to adopt her then I will go that route, if not I'm not sure if I would continue with the donor or try to adopt. I've always wanted to adopt as well, but it's always seemed so unnecessarily expensive. After hearing about this little girl is breaks my heart and if I can't help her I would like to try and help another child in need. At the same time I know that being a single mother is harder especially in the financial aspect so using a donor would be less of a financial stress. I don't know which route I would go, but as of right now I would like to give this little girl a loving home.

  • @irismorning Love the idea on how to address the school projects that usually involve a dad. I am currently pregnant using donor sperm & have been doing a lot of research on what the best approach is for everything from telling them that they don't have a father to school projects & all the other little things in between. I really want to be as open an honest with this little one from the start, but obviously explain it all in an age appropriate way lol. 

    If you have any advice or tips you've run into I'd love to hear them!
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I am a single mom by choice twice!! My children share the same donor. I will admit that there are a lot of hard times, but the joy they bring to my life was worth all the money and sleepless nights! Best wishes!!
  • I'm currently going through ivf as a SMC. I have done 3 cycles in Australia with no embryos at the end so off to south Africa for double donation. 
    I hope it worked out for you.

  • I was diagnosed with PCOS at 17 and endomitosis at 20.  Was told it would be very difficult to get pregnant.  I decided not to take any form of bc due to this fact.  I became pregnant with my first at 19,  andd second at 20.  Had one ovary removed at 21 and had my third at 22.  I suffered an ectopic at 28, which left me with one tube and ovary.  At 30 I became pregnant with my Fourth.  I was sure that was it.  Now at 34, im expecting my fifth.  😯.  

    My first three I had when I was younger and had the enetye.  My Fourth has been a struggle and now even more since I'm pregnant.  I'm actually going through a divorce with my second husband, even though this baby and our 3 year old is his.  I know it's going to be difficult but it will be better than if I continue to live here and let my child accept his actions as normal/ok. 
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