Newborns at weddings

tova24

So I am due in the beginning of August and my sister is getting married in October. Today she told me that I am not allowed to bring my baby to the wedding and that I will have to find a sitter. Is it right for me to be upset for her requesting this? 
Background info: wedding is in Chicago and I live in Dallas. She wants me to find a sitter in a city I don't even live in. Also, I'm one of her bridesmaids so I have to go. Lastly, I am pregnant and single so I won't have a plus one to help me with my soon to be infant at the wedding. 

megaroo42

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this stress, especially for such a big event. Has your sister told you why she is requesting that you leave baby with a sitter? If it were my sister or SIL, I'd have a pretty frank conversation with her about what the baby needs at that age and how you feel. Maybe she just doesn't understand all the details about babies that young? It will be an uncomfortable conversation but one that I'd have sooner than later.

 At our wedding, DH and I didn't have children at the ceremony or reception unless they were first cousins (11 and 9) or they were under the age of 1. We had a five month old and a seven month old there and you honestly didn't even know they were there. Some of our friends left their older babies at home with family so they could enjoy a night out, so maybe that's what your sister is hoping for you? 

LSP87

That sounds pretty selfish and awful of your sister. I get that it's "her day" but demanding that you leave your new baby alone with someone you don't know in an unfamiliar city on such a long trip..that's just way too much. It sounds like she's extremely out of touch. I would have an extremely difficult time attending that wedding with her awful attitude. You're facing a lose/lose situation and it's totally wrong for her to do that to you!

tova24

She literally told me that her soon to be sister in laws are leaving their kids at home. Their children are between the ages of 2-8 years old (not the same situation!)! I don't want to upset her, but I can't leave my child with a stranger! Luckily I have time to address this with her, but it still makes me sad. 

brookeelyse527

I say drop out as bridesmaid and bring baby with you to wedding. The baby would not even be a bother because it will likely be sleeping. If she says no, then her loss. I would never leave my baby like that. 

kodariah

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, girls get in bride mode and often put blinders on to others feelings. I would just explain in the nicest way possible that at that age your baby needs you and you don't feel comforable being away from baby. And if she pulls she soon to be SIL card again I would just tell her everyone parents different and you dont feel like it would be best for baby or you to have baby with a sitter. You have every right to be upset, it's not a fun situation to be put in. 

Nxy

Just tell her that her soon to be SIL can leave her kids with a sitter because they are older and your baby won't be old enough to leave alone like that. I'd just be firm and put my foot down. I get that it's her big day but if she can't understand that her niece is going to need her mom during that time I'd just let her know you won't be able to be there. 

thistle8677

Oh hell no, that's 100% your decision. You're going to be fresh out of your initial postpartum period (or still in it), you don't need to leave your baby. Wedding or no wedding. That's ridiculous. That got me fired up! 

eggplantface

We didn't want kids at our wedding either, but really only the older kids because they tend to clog the dance floor with their running around and ruin the party for the adults. But we made exceptions for H's niece and nephew because, well, they're his niece and nephew! He wanted them there. We also made an exception for H's baby cousin. What is your sister worried about? That the baby will get all the attention? That your baby will cry and "ruin" her wedding? Have a trusted family member take the baby out if it starts fussing. At the reception no will even notice. (But if she does allow you to bring your baby to the wedding, do NOT have it with you at the altar. I only mention this because there was a Bump poster who breastfed at the altar during her sister's wedding! I don't take for granted the amount of crazy out there. You said you're single, so find someone to hold the baby during the ceremony.)

If she doesn't budge on it, I suggest dropping out as a bridesmaid. Do NOT bring the baby anyway against her wishes because that will just cause more drama and give your sister the ammunition she needs to prove she was "right" to ban your kid. But I'd worry about your relationship with your sister if she'd rather you skip her wedding than bring her niece or nephew.

HappyToBeHere

I mimic what other PPs are saying: your sister is in bride-mode, and isn't thinking straight. That's way too new of a baby to be left with someone you don't know and trust, never mind the fact that you may be breast-feeding, and that's a long day without feeding or pumping. I say stand your ground (but agree to not have LO at the altar). If your sister pushes and allows you to not be there, I'm 99% sure she'll be the one feeling like an asshole after wedding craziness is over (I say 99% because there's always the chance that she's genuinely heartless).

SouthernMama15

DS was born in June and DH'S sister got married in September, just a few days after he turned 3 months.  While I was pregnant, fil kept making comments about him crying and ruining things. She decided to have him there and let him be the ring bearer.  2 of her 1st cousins (8 and 10 I think) pulled him down the aisle in a wagon. We sat in the front row and they pulled him over to us during the ceremony. The agreement was that if he started fussing, we'd take him out. He was actually perfect and slept through most of it.  I think she is being beyond ridiculous.  

Kudlica27

I am in a similar situation, My SIL is getting married out of state in September (less than a month after my due date. Children are not allowed at the reception ( we had to leave them at home or bring a sitter to watch them for the reception.) However, after we announced our pregnancy, she asked if I wanted to bring the NB.I thought this was kind of her. My mother is coming to watch the boys, so I think she was just checking, but she left it up to me. My SO is a best man, but thankfully I am not a bridesmaid. Did she know you were pregnant before asking you? I think that this would be a good conversation to have now, incase she wants you to bow out as a bridesmaid. I think the baby should be allowed, but I do see how it could be tricky with you being a bridesmaid. 

tova24

Thank you all for your support! Your tips are great. I told her that our mom and aunt agreed to watch my little monkey during the ceremony,  but she said that it still would be too distracting and that newborns are never at weddings! I honestly think I might just wait to see of she changes her mind after I give birth. If She Doesn't, then I will have to be firm. @Kudlica27, my sister started planning her wedding 1.5 years ago. This pregnancy was a complete surprise but when I announced it to her she stood by her decision for me to be a bridesmaid. 

jacksonbears

i'm sorry your sister is acting unreasonable! Maybe have your sister cover the cost of flying a friend of yours to chicago. Thatthat friend can stay in a hotel with the baby. It's your sisters request for you not to bring the baby, and leaving the baby alone is not an option. So if she wants you there, its either with baby, or she needs to cover the cost of having the baby watched for.

kvh22

@tova24 DH and I had a newborn, one year old, five year old, and maybe 3 or 4 other kids under twelve at our wedding and it was not a distraction at all. Your sister is 100% incorrect that newborns are never at weddings. I know plenty of people who have allowed that. This is her new family member, too.

DH and I are going to a very close friend's wedding in November (the LO won't even be 2 1/2 months) - it's out of town and we are planning to bring the baby either way. Visiting them this weekend and will tell her I'm pregnant in person - if she doesn't want to have babies at the wedding, DH already said he'd stay at the room but I think there's about a 5% chance that ends up being the case and this baby isn't even her family. If I was in your situation and didn't have someone I obviously trusted who'd be willing to sit out the wedding, I'd be very offended for someone as close as a sister not to be willing to work around having someone else step out with the baby if it gets fussy. That is too soon for a baby sitter when you're out of town.

lewliv

I'm sorry but I would not go. You already have two family members willing to help during the wedding and that's pretty much all you need.

eggplantface

tova24 said:

Thank you all for your support! Your tips are great. I told her that our mom and aunt agreed to watch my little monkey during the ceremony,  but she said that it still would be too distracting and that newborns are never at weddings! I honestly think I might just wait to see of she changes her mind after I give birth. If She Doesn't, then I will have to be firm. @Kudlica27, my sister started planning her wedding 1.5 years ago. This pregnancy was a complete surprise but when I announced it to her she stood by her decision for me to be a bridesmaid. 

To the bold: Ah, so it is about her being the center of attention. She's afraid everyone will be cooing over the new baby and not cooing over her. I think either way you're screwed because people that need that much attention and validation are never happy.

To the italicized: Not true. My husband's nephew was a newborn at our wedding. He didn't make a sound. People were definitely cooing over him, because they live far away and no one had met him yet, but I didn't care. I got married that day and that was all that mattered to me. Maybe your sister needs to reevaluate what's more important to her: a wedding or a marriage?

knottie0d8cc4d43bacc09f

To me, it sounds like your sister might be afraid of the baby taking attention away from her at the wedding. I bet she's imagining all the guests cooing over LO instead of focusing on the bride. Especially since you already presented a plan to have family watch the baby and remove him/her during the ceremony if needed.. maybe you could gently bring up that you understand this is her wedding and you don't want to purposely take attention away from her, but a newborn needs their mother and you are not comfortable with the current plan. 

JWatt5

I was just in my best friends wedding - one of the other bridesmaids had just had her baby. He had to come, shes breastfeeding. We also had to continually get her in and out of her bridesmaid dress (they made her a crazy set up to make sure she was fully supported but took about 5 mins to get her back in each time) so she could feed. None of us, including the bride, found it distracting - it was part of the fun/humour of the day and that baby wasn't noticed at all, he was just loved.
My cousin brought her 6 month old & another friend bring their 3 months old and I actually had no idea they were even there until the reception when an amazing "baby dance off" happened. 

AB518

@tova24  I completely disagree with your sister.  I think that newborns just add to the joy of a wedding.  I had two newborns at my wedding along with several young kids, and they were never a distraction.

megaroo42

I agree with a lot of the posters above: your sister is afraid of not being number one on her wedding day. If I were you, I wouldn't wait until the baby is here to talk to her again about this. You'll be full of emotions and hormones and she will be inching closer to last-minute wedding stress. Plus if this was me, I know it would be weighing on my mind the entire time.

If I were in your shoes, I'd give your sister a few options: have mom/aunt hold baby during ceremony; have her help pay for a friend to come and stay with baby wherever you are staying; opt out of being in the wedding and not attend. I'd personally only accept the first option but it's up to you. There's absolutely no way I'd leave the baby at home or with a stranger, and your sister needs to understand that. 

MetsGirl18

There's no way I'd leave a newborn with a stranger or with family for the whole day if I was BFing to attend a wedding.  I assume your sister doesn't have kids and doesn't understand that a baby that young shouldn't be away from the mother for an extended period of time especially if you're the food source.  

Two of our siblings got married when DS1 was 5 months and 11 months and he was part of the ceremonies.  We were in the bridal parties.  He stayed with us the whole time for the first wedding and the second wedding someone watched him in a room at the venue.  

We had an OOS family wedding when DS2 was 5 weeks old.  DS1 was in the wedding, but I wasn't.  DS2 and I spent a lot of time in the bridal suite BFing and just keeping him away from the loud music.  He wasn't a distraction at all during the time we spent at the reception.  If I couldn't have him at the wedding, I wouldn't have attended.

I'd have the conversation with your sister sooner than later in case you do decide to back out.  I think it's unreasonable to expect you to travel with a newborn and then leave the baby with strangers.  If you don't want to back out and she won't back down about the baby not being at the reception, have your relative watch the baby for the ceremony and then leave shortly after.

mrsvp614

I agree with everyone that she needs to make an exception for you. 

I'm looking for some advice too. My brother gets married about 5 weeks after my due date. Thankfully, no issues with me bringing LO and other babies will be there. They're having a Catholic wedding and DH has already agreed to take baby out if they fuss, but I'm more worried about everyone wanting to touch them, hold them, pass them around. This will be the first time most of my family will meet LO, and I don't want to be harsh, but I'm also worried about germs and being exposed to so many people for the first time. Is this irrational and overprotective, or should I be concerned? What kind of boundaries should I set so I'm not a crazy person, but keeping LO as safe as possible?

PinkPrincessPiper

My cousin got married a month after DD was born, and it was an adult only affair. I cancelled. Besides nursing on demand, I was still recovering from a c-section. I wasn't a part of the bridal party though. PP have good advice. 

knottie0d8cc4d43bacc09f

MrsVP614 said:

I agree with everyone that she needs to make an exception for you. 

I'm looking for some advice too. My brother gets married about 5 weeks after my due date. Thankfully, no issues with me bringing LO and other babies will be there. They're having a Catholic wedding and DH has already agreed to take baby out if they fuss, but I'm more worried about everyone wanting to touch them, hold them, pass them around. This will be the first time most of my family will meet LO, and I don't want to be harsh, but I'm also worried about germs and being exposed to so many people for the first time. Is this irrational and overprotective, or should I be concerned? What kind of boundaries should I set so I'm not a crazy person, but keeping LO as safe as possible?

I'm in your same situation.. my cousin is getting married a month from my due date. I'll probably bring LO, but have DH (or me) wear her in a carrier so she isn't as exposed to everyone (vs. being in something like her infant carrier/car seat where everyone has access). It can be stressful having an event like a wedding so close to LO's birth..you never know how you'll feel after delivery and if you'll feel like getting dressed up for a fancy event.

dinofreak

That stinks, I'm sorry. Even if there is a crying baby that needs to be taken out 1/2way through the ceremony, no one will remember that. 

The last wedding I attended was incredibly baby friendly and it was awesome. The groom had a 1-year old son he ended up holding through the ceremony, 1 of the bridesmaids had a 1-year old daughter she had to fetch from the church nursery halfway through and held through the ceremony, and there were babies scattered throughout the church, too. It was an Anglican church, so quite stuffy and traditional, and having cooing babies (groom's son climbed up to the alter and tugged on the priest's robes a couple times) loosened up the attitude. As for the reception, no one could've cared less about a few babies. 

Is there a teenage, babysitting-experienced cousin who will be there who would hold baby through the ceremony? Someone who wouldn't mind sitting in the way back for an easy exit if baby starts fussing? I still just can't imagine someone saying "no babies allowed" at their wedding unless it was like a scuba diving ceremony. 

@MrsVP614
What if ahead of time, you let as many family members as possible know that baby hasn't  had all its shots yet, so you're going to be exclusive about who gets to touch/hold LO? If baby sleeps through the reception, you can get one of those privacy/nap covers for the carseat and say "oh sorry, LO is sleeping!"

heathertansey

Nope, sorry. I would NEVER leave a baby that age alone with a stranger. NEVER. Your sister obviously has no idea what's she's talking about and needs a reality check. Tell her it's you and the baby at the wedding or nothing. It's a risk I would not be willing to take at all.

and_peggy

Are you and your sister prettt close? I would definitely have another conversation with her and tell her it's unfair to make you choose. Obviously you're not trying to detract any attention from her special day but it's rather selfish, especially to expect that in a city you do not live in. I would speak to her honestly. For me, if I have this ultimatum, I would tell her you would like to have to other options or you will be unable to accommodate that demand. Is there any way you could find a sitter that she knows personally, and have them on site that way you could go check on the baby/feed baby when you'd like?

DeansGirl14

I'm just going to chime in to say that's some bullshit OP. Very selfish of your sister. I do hope you both work it out.

We had a kid-free wedding but one of my closest friends was going to have a 6 week old. I told her it was more important for her to be there with a newborn than not there at all. She chose to leave her child with a cousin. Newborns are no trouble at all at weddings- you don't even need to pay for an extra plate! 

ColoradoHiker

 OP, your sister and her fiance have every right to say they don't want children at their wedding.  They're probably spending a lot of money, and if they want an adults only affair, that is their choice.

That being said, you're her sister.  I'm assuming she doesn't have any kids of her own, and has limited experience with a 2-3m old baby.  So, not only is she asking you to travel a long distance (possibly by yourself?) with a newborn, but she wants you to leave said newborn with a person you need to come up with, and have never met?  Yeah, that's a lot.  Also, I have a hard time seeing your sister not wanting her mother and aunt to attend the ceremony, so having them watch the baby is probably out, too.

This has the potential to blow up, depending how much a bridezilla your sister could be.  So, I would call her and explain in better detail just how this works.  Babies this age generally eat every 3h or so, and as a bridesmaid, you would be away from the baby all day, since you will be doing pictures, etc, and won't get the break between service and dinner that guests will.  Not only that, if you are breast feeding, you will need to have multiple pump breaks, or else you will be super uncomfortable, not to mention leaking.  If your sister still doesn't want your LO there, I think you will have to consider bowing out as a BM, as well as attending the wedding itself.  You and your LO are your top priority, and I think you're doing your best to be flexible, but there's only so much you can do.  

caity024

@tova24, any update on this dilemma? Have you spoken to your sister?  

Fairly unrelated, I just learned that I've been spelling 'dilemma' wrong my whole life.  What the heck?  I learned it as 'dilemna', which gives me the little red squiggles when I type it on here.  Did anyone else learn it that way?  According to Google, it's super common and was taught that way in numerous locales around the globe but, no one knows why.  Weird.

 https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/it-dilemma-or-dilemna

Kudlica27

@secicc12 Yes, wear all the babies! I am trying to find a pretty wrap or wedding for my SIL wedding, but either way I will be wearing the baby! At the last wedding they passed my baby up and down the aisle and then freaked out when he cried.....never again.

Lauradi1010

caity024 said:

@tova24, any update on this dilemma? Have you spoken to your sister?  

 Was wondering the same thing.  Is there a chance to go spend some time with your sister to discuss your concerns in person?   Maybe another trusted famy member could offer guidance.  

knottie0d8cc4d43bacc09f

Kudlica27 said:

@secicc12 Yes, wear all the babies! I am trying to find a pretty wrap or wedding for my SIL wedding, but either way I will be wearing the baby! At the last wedding they passed my baby up and down the aisle and then freaked out when he cried.....never again.

Oh god that sounds awful. I feel like it's much harder for people to touch and prod baby when they're strapped to your chest haha. BACK OFF.

MatteaGabrielle

I am in a wedding in nov and due at the end of August so barely 2 and a half months. My 3 year old is in the wedding too. I told my best friend, basically my sister, so she could plan accordingly. She told me that she expected baby to be there (i made sure she knew rhat my husband would totally be in charge for the ceremony) and she also said my 3 year old could stay for the reception even though no kids where coming and her other flower girl would be going home with grandparents. We live over an hour away so going home would be harder. So it's possible. 

So I think you should talk to her and I wouldn't wait until baby is here. You'll be a new mom, new stress and mix that with bridal stress. It might not a pretty event. Have a family member come in with you. Go prepared with options and show her baby won't be 'in the way'. 
My husband or I will be wearing the baby. One making him or her not the center of attention. Also keeps people's hands off. And keeping baby close to soothe and cries. 

Good luck! 

tova24

@Kudlica27 I spoke with her today and she finally admitted why she didn't want my little one at the ceremony: he would take away from her big day. The situation got worse because she is refusing to send out baby shower invites  (she said she wanted to throw a shower) any time soon because her save the dates for her wedding will arrive around the same time as my invites! I told her I really do t know what to do in either situation to make her happy. 

I suggested a friend help me at the wedding and she said it wouldn't matter because people would be talking about my baby no matter what. I told her I could mail invites in 2 weeks (month before shower [having it back home in Chicago before I get too uncomfortable and don't want to travel]) and she said it still would take away from her save the dates. There is no winning. Only one who is losing is my baby. 

megaroo42

I'm sorry @tova24 . That really, really sucks. I'm keeping my hope for you that everything works out okay in the end. Sending you hugs!!!

SpotConlon

@tova24 What kind of Wedding Industrial Complex koolaid has your sister been drinking? Is there any way your mom can talk reason into her? Because she just seems like the worst.

lewliv

@tova24 I'm very sorry that your sister can't  recognize the needs of a newborn. You have a very hard decision on your hands. I know it's her big day and she has the right to call the shots but it seems very insensitive to me. Good luck!

bubblesmtu

tova24 said:

@Kudlica27 I spoke with her today and she finally admitted why she didn't want my little one at the ceremony: he would take away from her big day. The situation got worse because she is refusing to send out baby shower invites  (she said she wanted to throw a shower) any time soon because her save the dates for her wedding will arrive around the same time as my invites! I told her I really do t know what to do in either situation to make her happy. 

I suggested a friend help me at the wedding and she said it wouldn't matter because people would be talking about my baby no matter what. I told her I could mail invites in 2 weeks (month before shower [having it back home in Chicago before I get too uncomfortable and don't want to travel]) and she said it still would take away from her save the dates. There is no winning. Only one who is losing is my baby. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, your sister is being very unreasonable. Is there someone else who can talk to her - your parents perhaps? 
Im in my brothers wedding in October and they invited DH's parents to help us out. If the baby starts fussing one of them will quietly walk out, no big deal. I think having kids and babies at a wedding is normal and makes it more fun, not less. 
I hope your sister changes her mind - keep us updated!

knottie0d8cc4d43bacc09f

@tova24 Thanks for coming back to update us. At least you have a clear answer now, even though it's a disappointing one... I'm sorry you're in this position.

Also...does your sister think she owns the USPS? People are allowed to send mail that is not related to her wedding. I say you take the baby shower responsibility off her shoulders before she comes back and says she's too stressed about the wedding and ends up canceling on you.