Meltdown Monday

funkykey

DH and I have family out of town. We went to visit them last year, and would love to again. The little ones told us how much they wanted us to come and visit over skype this weekend, so after the call, DH and I started talking dates. I want to plan a vacation for us too, I've been feeling really burnt out.

Anyway, when I sat down to actually look at my calendar, I seized up. I kept thinking: "Well, we have one more IUI before IVF. If I have a cyst right now (which I might, given my last u/s), we'll have to skip this next cycle, etc..." "Can we afford a vacation if we have to pay for IVF? Can I mentally afford not to?"

Long story short: I felt I couldn't commit to a date in the next 3 months because I have no idea if/when we're going to move forward with IVF and what those dates will be. I don't want to schedule a flight only to have to cancel because I have to go in for monitoring all that week.

And then I was just really frustrated and sad. I've tried so hard to live my life and keep on going; to not let this IF get me down too much, but it's really, really hard. There's so much uncertainty. It was one thing when DH and I were trying on our own, but now coordinating with my cycle and our clinic and whatever my body does - it feels like tackling this/treating it has taken over my life. Ugh.

I know it will be over soon - I am praying we can close this chapter of our lives in the next few months - but in the meantime, some days, when I think about how much energy and attention it is taking up, it is so rough!

MJDsquared

@funkykey I'm so sorry. I haven't even seen an RE yet and it is already such a drag. I don't know where you're at in your cycle, but I hope you get a BFP with this IUI! If not, hopefully your first IVF will do the trick!

I miss when I could see pictures and videos of babies/toddlers/pregnancy announcements and feel happy and excited that that could be me one day, instead of feeling despair or jealousy. Ugh.

hoffmanr7

@funkykey I am sorry you are feeling so down/frustrated.  I totally understand where you are coming from.  I find myself holding off on making plans to far in advance because of our IUI's.  I actually had a moment the other day...I had a very dear friend who's grandmother passed.  I was close with the grandmother growing up.  My first thought was how sad....but then my second thought was "Oh god, we have our ultrasound on Friday and most likely our insemination the following Monday. Please don't let the funeral be on any of those days." And I felt horrible for thinking it.....although I know she would have understood and I would have tried to make at least part of it.

This whole process is so incredibly draining.  *hugs*

seethosestars

I agree!!! Planning your life around infertility can be SO HARD.  The way I see it though is that if it involves seeing our loved ones then the treatment cycle can wait (at least this is how I feel about my own situation).  As much as I feel like I'm "running out of time" there will always be another month that we can do an IUI or IVF cycle.  We don't know how much time we have with our parents and brothers and nieces and nephews - I don't want to skip a routine visit for a potentially unsuccessful cycle (I hope that doesn't sound too pessimistic, I don't mean to).

As for the vacation thing - perhaps plan a cheaper vacation you can feel good about so you get the much needed break for your own sanity while still saving up in case you need IVF?

limeburst

I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. I don't have much to offer as far as advice, but I second what @seethosestars said. If you plan a trip and it end up conflicting with when you have appointments, then worse case scenario you miss that month. I know that is hard to deal with too though, because after so long you just want to get on with it. But you have to live your life.

Maybe you can consider trip insurance. I booked a flight recently through Expedia and I remember them offering me some type of insurance in case I needed to change my flight, and I don't think it was that expensive (I think around $30).

Mostly though, I just wanted to say 

funkykey

Thanks guys!

@MJDsquared - My DH sent me a photo of him playing with our niece when she was just a little chubby baby today, and I froze. I love our niece, she's lovely, but I'm jealous of my ILs (who conceived no problem), after our 17th cycle of trying. I want to see my H playing with our own chubby baby. And then I felt so guilty for feeling jealous. Grr.

@hoffmanr7 - I would have thought that too, about funeral scheduling. 

@seethosestars - bah, I feel so differently. Someone in my DH's family is recovering from cancer, so we have actually spent almost all our vacation time over the past 3 years (70% of it, I calculated) visiting family. For months, it was like every time might be our last chance. We are so grateful we got that time, and that the person is in remission, but it's taken a definite toll. I think that's part of why I'm feeling burnt out - I think I've spent too much time putting other people first, and not enough time putting myself first. I want to see our loved ones and be present, of course, but after this many cycles of trying, I'm ready for this to be over - and everyone else can wait a couple of months. I want the loved ones I spend time with to be my babies, you know? And at the same time, I'm so resentful that after all this time and attention, the IF issue still looms.

@Kim41313 - thank you for the virtual hug - it made me smile.

funkykey

Update: I have booked us a low-cost week-long vacation this coming July... It's a ways away, but it's in the books!

I might end up whisking DH away for a romantic long-weekend getaway between then and now. And maybe hit up the spa a little more.

notamyrtle

Glad to hear you went ahead and booked the trip!! I have had a similar frustration around vacation planning. I want to be able to go places that have Zika (which is most of the planet) so infertility is putting a major damper on my ability to even do a short jaunt to Miami or whatever. It's really annoying. 

I agree, the longer the journey takes, the more psychologically burdensome it becomes. I understand the feeling of wanting to be done with this and move on. The more time passes , the less I even care about success. Just want the torture to end. Blah.

hoffmanr7

@funkykey I am glad you booked your vacation...even if it is a long way off.  Just the fact that it is in the books can give you something to look forward to

funkykey

@notamyrtle - The more time passes , the less I even care about success. Just want the torture to end. Blah.

Exactly. Like, how much are we supposed to try? How much longer will it take? I'm not ready to stop trying, but when I think about all we've done, I'm amazed we've worked this hard and still no BFP. It's distressing. And still no end in sight. 

hoffmanr7

@funkykey @notamyrtle -The more time passes, the less I even care about success. Just want the torture to end. Blah

Totally agree with this btw.  At this point, I just want the whole thing to be over.  We promised ourselves at least 3 IUI's before discussing next step...but at this point I'm just like "screw it, lets adopt."  I used to cringe at the idea of twins because I wanted my baby time spread out.  Now I am secretly wishing and hoping for twins so we can have our 2 kids and be done and never have to go through this BS again.

funkykey

@hoffmanr7 - DH and I had that exact conversation the other day. We used to be terrified of the possibility of twins, especially him. I'd see my friends with one newborn, and I'd think: "OMG how can anyone do 2?!" 

Now, it's like: "That'd be so nice. To never have to do any IF treatment again!" 

It even seems like a small mercy for IF folks, being more likely to have multiples... so they don't have to do treatments repeatedly.

tops-2

There's nothing I can say to make anything better, but I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I hope things start to look up for you soon

Worldtravler0522

@funkykey I'm so happy to hear you booked the trip.  My biggest regret from the last year with my IUIs and IVF is letting it hold me back so much.  

*TW* With my miscarriage in the fall we ended up cancelling a trip we have been dreaming about for years because we didn't know what to expect with the loss.  To make a long story short this resort we've been lusting after for years ended up closing at the end of this year because they retired so now we will never get to stay there.  I'm so mad at myself for not just living my life and going *End TW*

Hope you start to feel better soon! 

funkykey

Oh no! @Worldtravler0522 that is so sad re: the retirement and the resort. Ugh! I wouldn't be mad at yourself though - once you get into the land of IUI and IVF and everything, it takes over your life, no matter how cool and sane you are. It BLOWS.