Benched/TTA Check-In [Week of 3/6]

izza2

***General TW that this thread can and will mention MC and loss.***

This is a place for those of us who have already started TTC, but have hit a roadblock and are delaying for whatever reason. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations on not TTC and connect with others who are in the same boat. TTC can be a long journey, and having to wait makes it feel even longer -- even if it is for a good reason. I invite you to resurrect this thread at any point in the week if you have something to say. Treat this like an ongoing conversation.

Benched = involuntarily not NTNP/TTC and "out of the game," usually due to medical reasons

TTA = avoiding pregnancy by using protection or FAM, usually for non-health-related reasons __________________________________________________________________

Are you benched or TTA? 

What brings you here? 

How long do you think you'll be here? 

How have things been going?

Any R/R/CS/Q? 

GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods?

izza2

TTA, nursing school, another 5.5 months to go.

Things are okay. I love seeing the BFP-streak here, and want it to continue, but it also feels like another crowd of TTGP-ers that are moving on while I'm stuck not even in the game again. I'd assume I'd be used to it by now, but nope.
Also found out that my eldest brother's wife, his eldest daughter, and his step-daughter are all pregnant with "oops" pregnancies. I can't bring myself to even pretend to be excited for any of them.
DSS has a cold/cough, and if this is any indication, he'll definitely be square on with how to act when he has a "man-cold" when he gets older. His father definitely taught him well.

GTKY: I absolutely love bananas and oranges, and basically any other fruit. Also, cereal is the best midnight snack.
Has anyone ever tried starfruit/carambola?

icecubeinthedesert

Are you benched or TTA?  benched

What brings you here? currently miscarrying (2nd loss)

How long do you think you'll be here? probably will wait a cycle (likely 4-6 weeks)

How have things been going? ugh, rough. Had an ER visit yesterday. Can't wait for this to be over with.

Any R/R/CS/Q? This couldn't have come at a worse time. Work is crazy this month, and I just feel so guilty for doing the ball. I know I shouldn't, and I need to take care of myself, but I feel like I can't take care of my professional self. 

GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods? I'm not much of a snacker. But I love cookies, does that count?

bswishe4

Are you benched or TTA? Benched

What brings you here? Miscarriage

How long do you think you'll be here? Late April early May then we will be trying again

How have things been going? Better than last week. They will be much better once my body regulates itself.

Any R/R/CS/Q? I wouldn't know where to start. Not at the moment.

GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods? Chips and Salsa is my current favorite!

@icecubeinthedesert I am so sorry. I am a few weeks ahead of you at this point but know how rough the first couple weeks are. We are only waiting a cycle or two as well. I hope the process is as painless as it can be for you and you can always message me if you want to talk/complain/yell whatever.

CecilB93

I haven't actually checked-in in a while, so here it goes.

Are you benched or TTA? TTA

What brings you here? Edit: removed touchy material. Reason for being here, wanting to learn to track my cycles for when I do TTC.

How long do you think you'll be here? DH isn't ready for #2 yet, so likely until the end of summer if not early fall. I'll just continue to lurk and participate in side convos here and there so I'm kind of a known face when I do start TTC

How have things been going? Alright. I'm super ready for #2, so it's been a little rough though. I've had depression in the past, so I've been feeling a little down the past few days, but not too bad.

Any R/R/CS/Q? 

GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods? Potato chips, cookies, crackers and cheese ball...nothing healthy of course lol

glitzandglitter

Are you benched or TTA? 

TTA

What brings you here? 

I would need a due date after December because of grad school and waiting on DH (his timeline was a little behind mine.)

How long do you think you'll be here? 

Not sure-May? 

How have things been going?

Ok. Grad school is keeping me busy so that is helping and I actually feel like we are getting close so I think that is helping too.

Any R/R/CS/Q? 

Nope - after this cycle I am starting to temp so maybe then
GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods?
All of them  I like snacking way too much. Sweets are my go to.

libgirl1981

Are you benched or TTA? TTA

What brings you here? Learning how to track/know my cycle before TTC. 

How long do you think you'll be here? Hopefully June, but I hope DH will be on board before then. 

How have things been going? Pretty good! DH doesn't shut down when I bring it up, so we're making progress. 

Any R/R/CS/Q? My last period was 1.5 days?!? what was that? 

GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods? Becuase I'm trying to be healthy, it should be apples or carrot sticks or hummus, but it's really cake. I'm such a cake-a-holic. 

oh, @izza2 - I feel for you. I'm not sure how you could be happy for them. I know I wouldn't be. I give you so much credit for not being in a ball on the floor, crying my eyes out. 

@icecubeinthedesert - I'm so sorry you're going through this. ER visits are super suck-ola. Professional vs. personal life shouldn't be a choice, but don't feel bad for taking care of yourself personally. You need that JUST as much. 

@bswishe4 - hope your body regulates before too long!

@CecilB93 - I feel you. I've been ready to have #1 for like 3 years now and DH has been super resistant. I'll join your BOTB party anytime! I'm here to learn to track soon. 

@glitzandglitter - you are getting close! Sweets are my super go-to too. 

edited to remove insensitive phrasing. 

purplg8r

@izza2 I've never heard of carambola

@icecubeinthedesert  ugh. I feel you on the bad timing. It makes a sucky situation that much worse. 

@bswishe4 I hope your body regulates itself quickly 

Are you benched or TTA? Benched

What brings you here? Currently going through an ectopic pregnancy 

How long do you think you'll be here? Not sure. I know that I have to wait 3 months because of the methotrexate injection but not sure if it's 3 months after the shot or 3 months after my hcg levels get back to 0. Definitely hope it's the former. 

How have things been going? Last night and today I've been bleeding heavier than I have been in the last 43 days. Not enough to be concerning. But enough to be annoying. I hate that I can't wear tampons.  I hate the feeling of bleeding and being paranoid that I'm going to leak (like I did last night because I rolled on my back.  Grrr). I have a bloodwork & Drs appt on Wednesday. I'm hoping to get cleared to play softball & run again and really hoping she doesn't try to tell me I can't go to Shanghai at the end of next week

Any R/R/CS/Q? 

GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods? I'm definitely a salty snacked.  I loooooove chips & dip and savory flavored popcorn (which I literally have some of almost every night)

wisewitch222

I'm sorry for your losses

wisewitch222

Are you benched or TTA? TTA because grad school

What brings you here? learning to chart my cycle

How long do you think you'll be here? 2 more cycles! (May)

How have things been going? All good here

Any R/R/CS/Q? nope

GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods? currently I'm into Cheez-Its Snack Mix

failuretofly

Does it count as benched if hubs will be away during my next O?

Are you benched or TTA? 

I think benched.

What brings you here? 

Hubs leaving to work out of tomorrow, CD1 today and he's gone for 2 weeks, and I usually O on CD12 or 13. 

How long do you think you'll be here? 

Just one cycle, hopefully!

How have things been going?

Fine. Up until AF arrived this was our first real college try this go round, prior we were NTNP, and I was BSC SS and convinced I was KU. AF was a kick in the gut this morning. I'm going to take this 'off' cycle as an opportunity to learn how to temp so I have a good idea how it works next cycle when hopefully our timing should work out. 

Any R/R/CS/Q? 

Rave: One tiny benefit of AF arriving is DH and I can spend his last night here hanging out in our hottub without worrying. 
Rant: AF cramps suck
Q: Anyone have any tips/tricks for temping while working shift work/nights?
GTKY: What are your favourite snack foods?
Candy - anything sour like sour patch kids, sourkeys and the like. Or Nibs... Mmmm nibs

heatherdubrow

**lurking***
@CecilB93 tell us more about your 'oops' baby. Super sensitive to the medically TTA ladies...

Sorry that got me, back to lurking.

NYTino24

I think a lot of ladies are confused about what this particular thread is for and are mistakenly posting here.

Benched = involuntarily not NTNP/TTC and "out of the game," usually due to medical reasons (examples: Zika exposure, miscarriage, surgery, etc.)

TTA = avoiding pregnancy by using protection or FAM, usually for non-health-related reasons

I'm not saying anyone can't post here, but please try to be sensitive to those who are not voluntarily abstaining. It is not easy for those going through MC or other issues and this may be the only place they can seek solace the moment. Babies on the Brain may be better for those who have not yet started TTC (as per the bolded the top of the thread) and those who are voluntarily waiting for long periods of time. Otherwise, maybe WTO and the GTKY threads are other places to post. 
https://forums.thebump.com/categories/babies-on-the-brain

icecubeinthedesert

To add to what @NYTino24 said, I didn't really want to post here a week or two ago because I felt like it had become a strictly BOTB thread and I didn't belong. I totally understand the frustration of having to wait to TTC. DH and I had decided to start trying, then I found out I would need to get a new job a week later, and needed to wait until I could qualify for FMLA, which ended up being about 6 months in total. I lurked that entire time to get to know how things worked and who everyone was, but didn't really see a place for me at that time. So I totally get it. But as I sit here waiting for the Cytotec to kick in, it is a bit of a punch in the gut. But maybe I'm just sensitive right now. My apologies if this comes off as bitter.

CecilB93

@heatherdubrow Yes I know. Hence the added TW to my post. I wasn't trying to rub it in anyones face by any means, that's the LAST thing I want to do. I've been lurking on this board, and posting here and there as I can participate, so I understand that's a touchy subject. But, I'm not going to allow anyone to make me feel ashamed of that happening. I try not to mention that fact here, but it was relevant to my reason for wanting to be active on this board, so I felt okay to mention it with a TW.

ETA the only reason I'm TTA at the moment is because DH isn't on board to try for #2. BOTB isn't active, hence my reason for wanting to lurk on this board and attempt to participate where I can.

heatherdubrow

@CecilB93 I don't think you need to feel ashamed of the way you got pregnant. I just said it was messed up to hammer that home in this thread. Especially after reading others' stories and what they are going through. I stand by that.

Tennis11785

I just wanted to second what @NYtino24 said about the bolded part at the top of the thread.  

This is a place for those of us who have already started TTC, but have hit a roadblock and are delaying for whatever reason. 

As someone who found so much support and help in this thread for months at a time, it breaks my heart to see phrases like "oops baby" and "getting my husband on board" next to comments like "currently having an ectopic" and "I went to the ER yesterday."  

This is not to belittle those who are trying to learn and get connected so they can hit the ground running when they are ready.  I get that and I support that. Hell - I did at that one point, we all had to start somewhere.  

But the point of this thread is for those who already started TTC, but have hit a roadblock and are delaying.

If the BOTB board isn't a good fit, perhaps we create another weekly thread here on TTGP for those who are holding off trying for personal reasons.  And we let the benched/TTA thread be more for those who are having medical need to hold.  

Both stages, holding off before trying and holding off for a medical need, are valid places to be. But they are also different places to be mentally.  Unfortunately pushing them together in the same thread is

1. not helpful because the mental state of these two groups is so different and
2. not respectful to the intent of the thread and the women who truly in that benched/TTA stage.  

NYTino24

@icecubeinthedesert @Tennis11785 I sensed that several ladies going through losses felt that way, and that's why I posted. I'm sorry you are being made to feel that way and I hope others are sensitive to that fact. It isn't easy to be on this particular thread and to hear about pregnancies (even if they aren't current) when you're hurting so badly.

One of the solutions here may be to create a separate BOTB thread here next week, or to separate TTA and Benched. IMHO, I don't think there really is such a thing as "TRYING" to abstain - you either are or you're not. The not is called TTC or NTNP, in which case it's off to WTO!  

purplg8r

@heatherdubrow @NYTino24 @Tennis11785 @icecubeinthedesert thank you guys for saying something. It did feel like a lunch to the gut but didn't want to say anything because I thought I was just being over emotional.  I agree that TTA for personal reasons is very tough (hell we waited 5 years after we got married because I wanted to be financially stable with a house even though it was killing me so I know how hard it is).  But this having to be benched because of what we're going through is on a different level.  

CecilB93

I apologize that I've upset people and caused an issue. That was truly never my intent. I was simply just trying to find a place I could try and fit in while I'm waiting. Because while my DH isn't ready, I am, and that's making it hard on me mentally. I understand there are ladies here going through things that I can't even begin to imagine, and by lurking on this board and attempting to participate, I've learned that I need to be more aware of what I say to people, online and IRL, because no, I don't know what everyone is going through, and maybe I've been the cause of someones pain in the past for asking a question or making a comment that I didn't realize could be hurtful. I know that now because of this forum in general, and more specifically this board.

Again, I'm sorry to anyone I've upset.

ETA I've edited my original comment on this thread to remove the touchy material.

icecubeinthedesert

@CecilB93, thanks for the apology. I don't think you need to be singled out here, so I hope you don't take it to personally.
I like the idea of creating a BOTB check-in, as there seems to be quite a few people introing lately who may also fall in that category.

Tennis11785

CecilB93 My intent was never to call you out or make you feel bad.  You're in a very real and frustrating place as well.  It just really highlighted a divide in the women that were posting and how different your situations are.  

libgirl1981

Everyone, my apologies as well. I'm so sorry if I have inadvertently hurt anyone's feelings with my posts. I will be more considerate in the future. 

failuretofly

My apologies if my post here came across as insensitive... I just didn't know where else I fit in. Please feel free to educate me where it would be most appropriate for me to share my frustration. I am so sorry for all of the losses mentioned by PPs, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through </3

izza2

So, now my question:
This thread was first created for benched ladies and those that were already TTC, but had to go back to TTA for whatever reason (whether that was for a longer period of time, or for one or two cycles). I've been in that second category since its first conception. I even made a thread specifically asking thoughts on people who were TTC and had to return to TTA staying on TTGP or going over to BOTB; everyone agreed that they could stay on TTGP.
But that was also over a year ago, and there were a lot of different faces.

I try to be sensitive when posting in the thread and keep in mind that it is meant as a safe-have for anyone who is benched, and I would hope that if I ever wasn't, someone would say so.
However, my question is this:

I've seen some mention in this conversation of separating BOTB and Benched/TTA, and that those who are TTA for long periods of time should move to BOTB. What is the general consensus on the shift for those TTA for longer periods of time, after having started TTC?

While I fully support the first - because even I've been hesitant and not keen on posting because it has become more of a BOTB thread, despite my attempts to subtly change bolding and underlining to point out the "those who've already started TTC". The second, personally sucks. TTGP has been my home for over a year and a half. I would hate to move to BOTB, and I honestly just wouldn't post if that was the case, but I also want to follow the flow of the community.

NYTino24

No hard feelings, ladies! No matter what anyone's circumstances are, we all want babies here! We don't want to shut anyone out, because it's the worst feeling in the world when you want to be pregnant, but aren't or can't be. I know how most people on this thread feel - I spent time on BOTB and it was way more dead then than it is now. However, I saw a nice core of ladies starting weekly threads and everything recently. I get that this board sees more action. I've also spend time on this thread due to Zika exposure and *TW* miscarriage */TW* Honestly, our goal is to have everyone in the game and having no one on the bench, but life doesn't always work out that way. I'm sure we can find a happy medium. 

adirat

@icecubeinthedesert @purplg8r @bswishe4 Hugs ladies. I'm so sorry you're going through this.


@izza2 I think people understand why you are here.


To the newbies -- if you all started hanging out on the BOTB board, it wouldn't be dead anymore. It's self-reinforcing. Plus I bet if you started posting regularly, others who are wishing for that board to come back to life would show up too. This isn't to say that you can't hang out here too, but this board requires a higher level of sensitivity than that one does.

jsnakehole

This discussion is making me wonder if I should have posted in previous TTA/Benched discussions, or if I should be referring to myself as benched at all. 

I'm sorry if any of my previous contributions were insensitive. 

adirat

@jsnakehole I think you're fine. You did ttc and were active here first. Plus you've always been very supportive. Just my two cents.

notthefather

(Newbie who is currently avoiding for personal reasons here) With BOTB being slow there is certainly a no-man's land for people who are in situations like many on this post avoiding for non medical reasons, including me. That being said, to me it appears that @glitzandglitter and several others have been trying really hard to get the BOTB board up and running again. I fit better on that board for now and promise to help make it active if others feel more comfortable posting there. 

@icecubeinthedesert, @bswishe4, @purplg8r I am so sorry for all you are going through. While TTA for personal reasons really sucks, what you are going through is beyond horrible and unfair. My heart aches for you all.

(Edited for clarity.)

wabash15

@icecubeinthedesert I'm so sorry you ended up with an ER visit. I did too and the whole process sucks. hugs girl

@purplg8r I'm so sorry its confirmed ectopic. I also hated not being able to use tampons. Until recently becoming a cup convert I was a die hard tampon user and having to switch to pads was super uncomfortable.  Your in my thoughts and I'm sending big hugs your way