How much of an effort is your DH/partner making?

BenJay

I love my husband but I am bent out of shape this morning. He will get up early to go stand in line for a Nintendo Switch but he will not get up to do exercise that he's supposed to. Five days a week. 

Don't get me started on his gaming until 2 am most weeknights or how "why worry - things will get done without my intervention" attitude.

Happy Friday everyone.

hoffmanr7

I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated.  I would honestly probably feel the same way.  My husband has been very supportive....but he also has a very laid back attitude which normally I love.  I find it difficult not to get frustrated when he tells me not to worry and that things will be fine, it will happen eventually, yada yada yada.

The way I see it, it's like the whole thing isn't very real for him (and probably other men).  I mean, I get it.  We are the ones taking the pills, feeling the crazy hormonal side effects of the medications.  We are the ones being poked and prodded in just about every way possible........and they sit on the sidelines and, usually at most, have to jack into a cup.

Right before our IUI last cycle when I was describing it to DH, we came up to the part where he had to give his contribution and he made some comment about hating it.  I gave him the death stare and told him straight up to "suck it up buttercup".  I think he finally got a tiny inkling when he saw the probe for the vaginal ultrasound.

limeburst

@BenJay sorry you are so frustrated. I totally get where you are coming from! My H is pretty good about excercising (after work, he doesn't get up early). But he also plays video games until 2 AM which drives me CRAZY. I've tried to tell him that his overall health, sleep included, can affect things. Especially since we are dealing with MFI. 

Last night I was thinking about the video gaming all night. At what point will that stop? What happens when (I guess if, but I really hope when) we have a baby who is going to keep us up at night or wake up early and need to be taken care of? I don't think I could deal with him being too tired to help in the middle of the night because he was up until 2 AM playing video games. 

Maybe it is time to have a talk with YH? Is he usually responsive, or does he get defensive? 

MJDsquared

My DH likes to exercise on his own, so I'm lucky in that regard. He also was ready to try for kids before I was, so I know he's very invested. When we first started trying, he knew more about fertility than me, I swear. He often tells me things I never knew. And the bad news hits him just as hard as me.

However, I'm a realist (that leans more towards the pessimistic side of realism) and he's very optimistic. It kind of drives me nuts how optimistic he is sometimes.

Lastly, we haven't seen an RE yet, so I haven't had extensive testing and he hasn't had an SA. It's very hard to get him to do things he doesn't want to do (dishes, putting clothes away, etc.) and I know lots of men push back on SAs and/or taking meds to help their count if necessary (masculinity and all that) so I'm really worried that if it comes to that that he'll be difficult about it, even though I know he wants this so badly.

funkykey

@BenJay - my husband has had me watch a few Nintendo Switch promotional videos, so your post made me smile. The only reason my DH hasn't bought one is because we are broke. Hahaha.

I don't have experience with your specific situation - my DH is pretty good now - but we have had difficulties in the past around health. Like many couples, when we first started dating, everything was great, we were so in love, etc. I felt I'd finally met my match, we'd go for long hikes and bike rides together... 

Then after we moved in together, I realized: "Oh God, he doesn't exercise at all - all the hiking and biking, that's because it was relationship early days."

Basically, our lives were like:
Wake up, go to work.
Come home from work. He'd nap because he'd had so little sleep the night before. I'd make dinner, and often eat alone.
He'd wake up from the nap.
Then he'd start playing video games until 2am, when I'd go to bed at 10pm. He would eat leftovers from dinner at like 10:30pm, after I'd gone to bed.

Then on the weekends, he'd stay up until 4am playing video games, and he'd only eat at nights. He stayed up so late, he wouldn't get out of bed until noon on the weekends, so we never went for bike rides or hikes or anything cool. It was almost like we never spent time together.

After a couple of months of this, I was done. We had some major fights, and then we broke up- he moved out for a while.

Anyway, my point: I know what it's like to fight about video games and "lifestyle". It took me weeks to calm down enough to take his calls again. Even then, it took me a while to give him another chance - it was dramatic, but he was an extreme case, and he'd been very uncompromising.

Now, my DH still plays video games, but not until 2am on weeknights - more like between 6-10pm (after dinner and before bed). He exercises almost every weekday, and though we sleep in a little on the weekends, it's no so extreme - and every weekend we'll do something active with the dog, like a long walk. If a new game comes out that he's excited about, he might play video games a little more often, but it's not a constant thing.

I was not the only reason for these changes, though I was a big one. He'd had doctors give him lifestyle advice, particularly around sleep hygiene, and I think he actually did feel gross a lot of the time. After we broke up, he started biking to and from work every day, and he loved it - 3 weeks in, he was hooked, so that's what he does every day. Once he found something he loved, he was set.

Anyway, if your DH is like mine - kind of slothlike - fitting exercise in to his regular schedule might help. Not going to the gym before work every morning, but commuting by cycle, or even finding a nice gym he can stop in at on the way home from work 2-3 times a week- something he'd enjoy.

For my DH, we ended up needing to buy a lot of bike gear - a nice bike, and then the right clothes so he'd be comfortable in different kinds of weather. I think that made him more excited about it too. Sometimes it's good to splurge a little bit on that stuff.

Good luck!

ps. I should point out, my DH changed me too - it's not like I'm this perfect wife who came along and saved him - I had to make changes too, just not in the healthy living arena.

limeburst

And here I thought my husband was the only grown ass man who still plays video games like a teenager! At least we are in good company  

funkykey

@Kim41313 - if I'm away for the weekend or whatever, DH actually plays video games the whole time, and only stops to take the dog out/feed him. It's pretty funny. I can usually tell how deep he's gotten in from the amount of leftover pizza he has/how many pizza boxes there are. 

I never have to worry about him heading to the strip club or going out clubbing or whatever. I have some friends, their husbands love to party... Not my H. He and his friends are like: "Ugh, clubbing would cut into my Fallout time!" 

When I'm home for the weekend without him (which is rare because he's such a homebody), I do a lot of window shopping, pinteresting, listen to music he doesn't like (pop), go to yuppie vegan restaurants he hates, and then also watch trashy TV he won't watch with me. Like the Kardashians. 

Well, I should amend - he will watch the Kardashians with me, but he makes fun of me the entire time. Hahaha. So I prefer to watch it alone, as I'm not interrupted.

mountainlady

The amount of time spent on video games is just crazy - I don't know how people find the time! 

My DH is pretty good - it took many melt downs before he really paid attention to IF issues, but now he puts a lot of effort into being part of the process... (*TW*) but it took 2 chemical pregnancies before he joined me! I think he realised how much this process is destroying me & wants to get it the F done!

He now takes his supplement and has read up on the processes we are going through. He now comes to all appointments too. 

He's ok about exercise and diet - he has one drink per night. 

notamyrtle

Wow, I feel like somebody cloned the same prototype to make our DHs. Seriously, it's like they're Cylons from Battlestar Galactica (sorry to get nerdy).

DH puts up with my neuroticism to some extent, though I also try not to tax him too much and seek other outlets (like these forums). Otherwise, he is blithely optimistic, so much so that I feel like we're living on different planets.

On his planet, IUI has a 100% success rate (eye roll).

So it's hard to feel truly supported because he can't understand. We don't talk about IF that much right now. 

Otherwise, not much effort from him lifestyle wise. He does go to the gym once or twice a week, and he takes a men's multivitamin, but I haven't been able to convince him to take additional supplements (no known MFI, but my attitude is more like, why not take some extra harmless stuff if there's a chance it might improve sperm quality?). 

He is also a big video gamer and has definitely gamed until 2 am on some weekdays, but generally games 10-15 hours a week. He owns nearly every console out there (including Oculus Rift - the new virtual reality thing) and doesn't want to sell his old ones, for reasons he is unable to explain. Craziness. 

funkykey

@notamyrtle- hahaha Oculus Rift!

mountainlady

I stand corrected... I just came home to my husband playing space invaders! Never seen him play a computer game until today 

BenJay

@hoffmanr7 - "Suck it up buttercup" Ahahaha!

DH was starting to whine about taking supplements and having to actively think about his participation and *boom* he's ready to move on from infertility. I've been thinking about this since 2015. He did say one day, "Wow and I am starting to imagine how you'd be ready to be done too". You think!? I should have made him come with me to my HSG and vaginal ultrasounds. (It just didn't make sense having both of us have to miss work/make up the time.)

@Kim41313 - Oh my goodness is that man stubborn. I'd have a talk with DH but I don't think it'd make a bit of difference. His weakness is that he lives in denial.

Don't get me wrong. I love video games. We enjoy them together. It's when he chooses to play them over doing things that he should (dishes, exercise, etc.) I love that man but there will be times that I go "Had you not done X, you could have gotten Y done like I asked you". Then it ends up being that my expectations are too high or whatever excuse. *dramatic eye roll*

@MJDsquared - OMG, YH sounds amazing. Like seriously. DH was the one that wanted kids. Until we got married and hit our 30s, I was totally content to be that generous aunt that invested for her nieces' college tuition (I've got 3 so plenty of need there). I bought a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book and I'd read a chapter and asked him to do the same. He said that I was making a huge deal out of the whole pregnancy thing and pretty much refused to examine the details of what would/could happen to me. He wants the fairy tale version and I envisioned the horror story version. I wanted him to be prepared that things aren't always that magical for the one carrying to term- it's raw/graphic/gross *and* miraculous/beautiful/lifechanging.

He's a good man but he really hasn't had to work very hard for much in his life, so naturally, he doesn't really buckle down. I'm assuming parenthood is a huge wake up call for this type of person - kids don't just 'roll with it'.

@notamyrtle - DH is good with my neuroticisms too but there are times where his ways (relaxed, flexible to non-committal) are not questioned. (Like let's not worry about his huge ass family coming over and not cleaning the toilets or making sure there's enough food.) I totally feel like we're from different planets, but my atmosphere has changed for the better since meeting him. His is still more obnoxiously oblivious than I'd like. 

I *wish* he'd go to the gym once or twice a week! We have spent more money and time on video and board games than anything else. I truly enjoy the escape, I really do. I've been playing the crap out of Don't Starve and I love that we play geeky board games. But I also do water aerobics, yoga, and walk on the treadmill every week. I want to do even more activity but without support, it just won't happen. I'm the one that really has to spearhead any sort of physical activity.

@funkykey - OMG I need to find some tech gadget that will motivate him to exercise. You're onto something there! If only he had a doctor that would give him a come to Jesus about being regularly active. (DH told his doctor on a recent visit that he works out 30min 5x/week. LIES!)

DH used to hike with me and I loved it. It was *totally* the honeymoon phase before we got married. Now that we both have full-time jobs, it's like you described: work, come home eat something, game and go to bed (me at 9:30/him at 1am or later). He has his own 'sacred schedule' - Monday/Board Game Night, Tuesday/volunteering with Boy Scouts, and Wednesday/WoW Raid night. I typically work out those nights but we haven't found something we want to do together. And without his support, I find that I've become more slothlike, because yes, I do want to sit in my pajamas all day and eat whatever I want and not bother worrying about anyone else's opinions/feelings/expectations.

I'm being too hard on him - he's going grocery shopping for me after his Boy Scout get together today so that I can do my own volunteer work at home. But still. Get on the damn treadmill, man!

@MountainLady - Bahaha! He's come to the dark side!

Thanks everyone for the support and opportunity to vent. I don't know how I'd stay sane without you.

limeburst

@BenJay girl, I feel you! maybe you can try to get him to exercise with you? We like to go for walks together in the evening. Maybe you can try something that like, so it's less "you really need to exercise!" And more "let's go for a nice stroll together" 

And is that doesn't work than maybe the Oculus Rift is the way to go! I *think* there is a treadmill type VR out there that the person playing walks on during the game!

funkykey

You know, I've been thinking about getting us both fitbits... it's been an extra cold winter where we are and we haven't gotten out as much as we'd like.  @BenJay do you think that might help?

vintageandrea90

So sorry you are frustrated with DH. It's especially hard on us when we are the ones who have to do the treatments day and day out. Sometimes I feel resentful that I have to go the clinic every other day and get stabbled, a probe shoved up my V etc. etc and he doesn't have to do anything. His attitude is also very laid back, although I can see it hurts him when I get upset/have a meltdown.

PoeMasque

Ugh, the computer/video games!! WTH. My So knows this is a sore spot with me because the guy I dated for 2.5 years before him literally left me for computer games (he didn't want to change his "lifestyle" and chose the games over spending time with me). Now my friend and I are battling our partners every night on this same issue. We've caught them lying to us in order to play games together (when will men figure out that women tell each other everything?!) My SO often suggests I invite my friend out to do something so that they can have gaming time. There is research out there about violent games and how it changes the brain, but I wonder just in general what it does. It's obviously addictive or we wouldn't all be lamenting it! 

It also took our RE leaning forward and telling my SO "you need to realize that although both of you get to choose your path, SHE is the one who is going through this. Every. Single. Day. You might think about it when her period comes or when it's time to have sex, but she thinks about this every day and she may just be over it" (meaning I might want to skip the months of meds + IUI and move right to IVF) before a light went on for him about my struggle. This also made me angry because I'd told him the same thing many times over the previous 6 months, but he was just "it'll happen, stop worrying". 

Thankfully my SO likes to hike, run, and explore new places in the city we live in. Games usually take a back seat when the weather is nice. He's also stepped up his game around the house (mostly because I started refusing to do any housework when I took on a second job). 

i always wonder what he would write about me in a post like this.....

funkykey

@PoeMasque - sounds like you dodged a bullet with that last guy! Like, dude - you picked wrong. 

My neighbour is a huge WoW player. She said sometimes she needs to tell her online friends: "Look, it's time to level up in your real life." You know, when they've been playing too much and dropped the ball at work or with their relationships.

I was like: "Exactly." I love that expression though: "Level up in your real life."

SoonToBeMommaHowe

My goodness, reading all these comments makes me extremely thankful that we don't even own a gaming console. One of my Ex's was a gamer and I just think it's freaking annoying (unless it's me playing Zumas Revenge, then it's pretty awesome). Sorry ladies. 

I actually have the opposite problem, my DH works out diligently every single day and takes his vitamins and supplements every day to try to "do his part" and honestly I just don't feel that motivated. So when I skip the gym 3-4 days in a row I feel really guilty but still not motivated enough to go all the time. And when I forget to take all my vitamins or eat pineapple core or drink pomegranate juice I feel like a piece of pop. And sometimes it makes me wonder why am I not 100% motivated to do everything possible all the time to get our rainbow. 

BenJay

@Kim41313 - Oh if he didn't make it miserable. I tried having him walk with me and it ended up being not fun. He apparently prefers jogging but not without me. My asthma cannot handle jogging so... Here we are. I find it hard enough to get myself motivated let alone get him going too.

@funkykey - I would totally get a Fitbit if I'd thought it'd help. Pokemon Go and buying our own freaking treadmill hasn't changed his ways. Stubborn, stubborn man...

@vintageandrea90 - It better bother him when you're upset! I hope he takes good care of you because TTC is tough, unfair and just super emotional. 

@PoeMasque - OMG your ex sounds like my ex. Who pretty much chose World of Warcraft over a meaningful relationship. It's still a hot button issue for me with DH if I feel he's choosing games too frequently over me. 

I have to say that if he just had one active hobby, I'd be content. He's just happy doing exactly what he wants and doesn't feel at all obligated to do otherwise.

@SoonToBeMommaHowe - You're lucky! But don't be so hard on yourself if you don't do exactly what you 'should'. You're doing your best and that's enough.

liljoy-2

Wow, reading all your stories here makes me go "men are really from Mars", haha. DH gets the games craze from time to time and sometimes hides from me, but even when he doesn't game, he watches TV or finds something else to do not to go to bed until 3 am or later! Then he goes to work very very late (flexible schedule) and comes home at 12 am at the earliest...Of course I get frustrated, hurt, angry etc but he just doesn't/can't change...And now with the IVF show on the road, it's very tough for me. He is supportive of the process but doesn't want to change his lifestyle, including his long hot showers, cutting down on alcohol and meat, taking his vitamins, exercising, etc. He has a sperm DNA and count issue but doesn't want to change!!

Additionally, he gets angry easily, and even now, when I make supernatural efforts to relax for the IVF process, he sometimes goes off on me. This morning he called me a jerk out of the blue because he thought I 'bitch about him' to my friends and that's why I don't want him to see my phone messages. When I shouted at him from bed that this was an unacceptable wake up call, he just told me to F off...:(

Charligirl28

My DH does not really game. He works so much he doesn't really have time for it. Every once in awhile I will find him playing video games in his pajamas on his day off, but I find those days adorable. I could see how it would be less adorable if he did it all night!

He does handle IF very differently than I do, and by differently I mean he does not think it exists, at least not for us. He is very laid back about it "even if it takes us some time, it will happen when it happens." So to him all the blood tests that my OB ordered are just to pacify some irrational fear I have, not because I need them or there might be a problem. It is like we are on two extreme ends of a spectrum. I am overly worried and he is not worried at all.

BenJay

@bestofjoy - Uh, wait... He said "F off" to you!? Not cool and he had better apologize to you. Our house rule: you can be mad, but you cannot be mean.

You know what's cheaper than, IVF? *ALL* of those lifestyle changes he could be making. I'd be having a come to Jesus today if I were in your shoes. 

@Charligirl28 - You are super lucky to have a non-gamer husband. From what I hear, it's all to common for the man to not really consider how serious things are (labs, procedures) because it's not them doing them.

DH went to the urologist and had an exam *ahem* and boy, that got him thinking.  

Kate437

DH is super supportive. He does game (we both do), but it isn't to the extreme. If he thinks it is bothering me he will usually stop. I dont have to get onto him about exercising either, he does what he can even though he is disabled (to the point that working a regular job isn't possible). Hello stay at home husband 

Charligirl28

@BenJay It is so funny that he does not take it seriously because we are usually the opposite. He panics and goes to the ER or Urgent Care for every little sniffle while I have to practically need a full body cast to drag my butt to the ER! I'm sorry you are having a hard time!

@hoffmanr7 You are totally right! I am only at the beginning, first trans-vaginal ultrasound today. It isn't that it hurt or anything, but I did find myself wishing I were the guy instead of the girl in this situation! All DH has to do is make a "donation" and he is already talking about how uncomfortable the idea makes him! Umm hello? I just sat on an exam table with a probe up my whoo ha for 40 minutes....