Finances + Compromise = Struggles

towntowns

I am going to try to keep this simple so it's not a poor me rant - My hope for this post [if it is allowed by the admins, please delete if not!] is just to find out if anyone else has advice on making financial changes and compromising with their SO/DH when it comes to money. Or any other financial struggles you want to talk about. 

I own a small business [no promoting I promise] and work full time, SO would like to get married and me to stay home, and continue with my business when I can - which I am not entirely opposed to, just want to be cautious about the marriage part. We are both Christians so there are already enough voices on this baby being out of wedlock. I would just like to have a bit more commitment than hey we are pregnant, lets get married. However financially I will have to give up my adorable historic bank that is converted to my studio/storefront and I am just really struggling with it. I have had the notice letter typed for 10 days and I cry every time I try to send it. I am over the moon about baby I really am, I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant after chemo. I just can't shake the feelings of what happens if I miscarry or simply the selfish I don't want to give it up. 

Boyfriend is bad with money so I am sure I will be taking over budgeting and debt management for our budding little family. Does anyone have advice on financial compromises, or ways they were able to communicate better about it. Ways to make yourself not be a selfish little crybaby.   or even just what your experiences were. 

Thanks lovelies, I really love this place and how much encouragement everyone gives eachother

Texafornian

It's a tough decision to give up something you love for something else you love. My advice to you would be to hold off on that notice until you're farther along and have a better game plan in place...no rush to ditch it just yet. In fact, I stayed with my profession (which I LOVED) until my DD was 8m. Then it clicked as to what would be best for our family unit. We chose a move to TX to be closer to my inlaws for help...and we cut our income by 2/3s!!! It's been a struggle financially but it's what was best for DD as we can actually offer a better family life this way and finances are about to pick up.
Is there something else holding you back from marriage? You just worried about giving up the you that you currently are? Worried about his finances? Those are all VERY common and real concerns entering marriage. You say you're both Christians...have you maybe discussed premarital counseling through your church? It might shed light on the needs/wants for each of you and help alleviate the cold feet.
Nothing says you have to get married or ditch what you love RIGHT this second...give it some time!
My DH SUCKS with finances...we kept separate accounts forever and I controlled paying bills out of both because he'd pay late. Now we have a joint account because I don't have income anymore. You just kind of make it work...

jessieR358

Finances are hard when your getting married. Both my DH and I got married later so we had enough experience on things to do and not do. We still have different ideas on how to spend, ways to save and where we should put extra money. I made DH meet with me and a financial advisor to have a third person say hey, this is what makes sense and this doesn't. Its easier to hear it from an outside person than your partner sometimes.
We both work, but I tend to put more of my money into savings before it even hits our checking account. I'm in charge of paying off major debts, like grad school and car (not out of my money, but just i took responsibility of making it happen). My DH is obsessed with never having a balance on a credit card which annoys me sometimes, but it makes me watch the spending. You need to sit down and discuss it, but it's hard! Weve had several big arguments over finances. We grew up in very different income brackets and our ideas of spending and saving was different. 
I don't know if that was really helpful or not or just rambling...but anyways, just know I think everyone struggles in this area.
i think if you want to keep working, than do! 

sugarrush

Texafornian said:

My DH SUCKS with finances...we kept separate accounts forever and I controlled paying bills out of both because he'd pay late. 

My .02 just pertains to this.  This is our household as well!  If my DH was in charge, everything would be paid late and we'd have spending money one pay period, and no spending money the next.  Oy.  We have a joint account that our paychecks go to.  I have a spreadsheet of what bills get paid when, and how much money is left over.  That way he knows where all the money is going if he has questions. We both get our own spending money each paycheck that goes to our personal bank accounts (hey, if he wants to eat out every day for lunch instead of bringing it from him, that's his prerogative... but when that money is gone, he's not allowed to come cryin to me!  There is also joint account spending money for things we do together as a family.  It seems to work really well and it has gently changed his spending habits over the course of time for the better.

awildrose

When we had our first baby, my husband and I were both still full time college students! I graduated right before she was born and was fortunately hired soon after. I completely understand making a baby budget work when you're completely broke. I say that to say, you can make a budget work if you can find a common ground on priorities and sacrifices. We made pretty good money for our professions after baby #2 and decided moving back home was more important. We cut about 14% of our total income to make the move it's been worth it. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey for money management advice and we have done really well with a modified envelope system by using every dollar .com (the free version). That website really helped us realize where our wasteful spending was and how to better plan for things coming down the line. And I agree with an above post, no need to make a rush decision right now on your business. Wait until you have peace and a plan to move forward on. 

mrs_tacos

We dot use all of Dave Ramsey's methods, but his envelope system was great for helping us get out of debt a few years ago. We also use mint.com to help us budget and track our spending, and we personally have everything joint, it just works better for us that way. 

I also second what @texafornian said about holding off a little while on giving up your business, and also figuring out what else is holding you back from marriage. My DH and I are also Christians, and the premarital counseling we received was invaluable, especially since we come from families with very different styles of doing things- especially finances. Plus, I don't think rushing into a marriage you feel uncomfortable with is healthy, even with a baby on the way. (And I don't necessarily think having a baby together is always a good reason to get married. I've seen a lot of Christian friends get pushed into marrying their child's father, and it hasn't always been a good thing. Only you can decide what is best for you and this baby, so definitely don't let yourself get pushed into something you don't want or feel ready for. I hope that's not a rude thing to say. )

I guess I also don't understand why you can't get married and still run your business? I know a ton of mama's who still work- I plan to be one of them- and it works well or their families. Is getting married, but also keeping the business that makes you fulfilled and happy an option for you?

BostonBaby1

towntowns said:

I am going to try to keep this simple so it's not a poor me rant - My hope for this post [if it is allowed by the admins, please delete if not!] is just to find out if anyone else has advice on making financial changes and compromising with their SO/DH when it comes to money. Or any other financial struggles you want to talk about. 

I own a small business [no promoting I promise] and work full time, SO would like to get married and me to stay home, and continue with my business when I can - which I am not entirely opposed to, just want to be cautious about the marriage part. We are both Christians so there are already enough voices on this baby being out of wedlock. I would just like to have a bit more commitment than hey we are pregnant, lets get married. However financially I will have to give up my adorable historic bank that is converted to my studio/storefront and I am just really struggling with it. I have had the notice letter typed for 10 days and I cry every time I try to send it. I am over the moon about baby I really am, I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant after chemo. I just can't shake the feelings of what happens if I miscarry or simply the selfish I don't want to give it up. 

Boyfriend is bad with money so I am sure I will be taking over budgeting and debt management for our budding little family. Does anyone have advice on financial compromises, or ways they were able to communicate better about it. Ways to make yourself not be a selfish little crybaby.   or even just what your experiences were. 

Thanks lovelies, I really love this place and how much encouragement everyone gives eachother

 My advice is don't give up your business. Don't do it. First of all, you don't want to. You are crying every time that you try to send in the notice.  There will be plenty of opportunity for you to shut down in the future. But you cannot open back up if you regret it. Please don't throw away something that you have worked hard for unless you are desperate to do so.  Your boyfriend is bad with finances, according to your post. I just think overall, the best plan of action is to be conservative and work together to build up a joint savings.  Then, what you should do is try to live only off of his income and put yours into a separate account for the baby. If it is not easy for you to do so, then you probably shouldn't close your business anyway.   Babies are incredibly expensive. But mostly, if you love what you're doing, please don't stop. 

*typo

LynnBrown4

It is not selfish to not give up on something you love (your work). It is also not selfish to have a life outside of marriage and child-raising - a life that is more than 'what is left over when you have the time.' I am Christian too - I don't remember Jesus saying anything about children being born out-of-wedlock, but seems like He had some strong words for those who judge. Trust your instincts, ignore those who tell you what you 'should' do, I wish you all the happiness in the world and the courage to determine your own path. 

jessieR358

What @BostonBaby1 said. She has some really good points. 

GracefulStar

Take it slow, sounds like you feel you have to make all these decisions now but you don't. Don't rush any of them, as they are all pretty big. As others said could you do premarital counseling and see how that goes? Maybe there are other reasons why you aren't ready for marriage and it can help you figure it out. Also others recommended Dave Ramsey. His financial peace class is really good and may benefit your bf, especially if you are there for support. Maybe look in to taking it? Best of luck!

msashley2010-2

I hope that everything works out for you!! I don't have much advice on the marriage front as myself and DH are not getting married anytime soon but coming to live with one another did take compromise and financial planning. I would stick to pursuing your own income for now if you are concerned with how he manages his own finances and perhaps make certain jumps later on the line once he has a tighter reign on his spending. 

What myself and SO do is we keep separate checking and savings accounts. We both pay for our own individual bills separately and then we calculate what our shared expenses are and just pay half each. I have a savings account set up for baby that I put $200 in per paycheck and when he does sidework he gives me half of whatever he earns to go toward the baby fund. 

I wouldnt worry about making any big steps or steps or making any huge changes right now until you get further along in the pregnancy. I hope that everything works out well for you all and for baby! 

stephy_p

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to share my empathy with you. I own my own business, my husband is a partner owner of his business, and finances are so tough right now. Neither of us are great with money either. Ugh! Hugs. I hope everything works out for you.