Pregnant after a Loss

Visitors after delivery

Hi all.  As this current pregnancy was quite a surprise after the passing of my daughter (carried to term; survived for an hour); I have been very quiet with things (no announcement on social media, have only told a few close friends, etc).  My husbands family lives in Chicago (were in Philly); and I've told my husband that I don't want people staying at the house when we get home from the hospital.  I have had a very hard time with this pregnancy (emotions everywhere), and maybe it's because I kept quiet that I don't feel like I've had a lot of support. I've developed GD with this pregnancy, and on top of all the other emotions, I've just been sad, and miserable.  Once this baby is here, am I being rude if I don't want visitors - so much has happened within these past few years, and I just want some time to myself to soak it all in.  If people are staying at my house, they're not much help (they don't cook, they don't clean up, nothing..irks me); and with me having to watch my diet, I feel like it would be easier for them to wait like 2 weeks.  Anyone else in this predicament?  Any suggestions? 

DS1 - 9/18/12
DD1 - 3/23/16 - Survived for 1 Hour; Forever my Angel
Baby #3 - EDD: 4/14/2017

Re: Visitors after delivery

  • I totally feel the same way you do!!! I didn't have the type of loss you have had, I'm so sorry. However, I do not want any visitors at the hospital or at my house until I settle down as well. I also have GD, with high fasting numbers, have been put on Glburide and then had super low middle of the night numbers, finally have all that worked out. Some days I feel like "yea, I've got a handle on this" then other days are very discouraging and put me in a down mood all day. 
    With my daughter, I had an emergency csection and had all sorts of visitors at the hospital and at my house. It was incredibly stressful and it all felt very intrusive. This time around I'm having a planned csection and aside from my mom, daughter and my husbands parents (ugh) I've stated no visitors! I need this time for myself and MY family. I need to heal, physically and emotionally. I have to learn how to breastfeed again and also take care of my daughter. This time is not for me to be put-out or made to feel uncomfortable with vistors. They can all wait! I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive husband. This subject gets me so worked up, cause my IL's are very pushy and I just know they are going to be "hurt". It makes me angry they are so selfish they can't understand. 
    I don't think it's rude at all to ask for as much time as you need before accepting any visitors. This is your time and should not feel pushed or guilted into doing anything that you don't like!
  • I don't think it is rude at all - your situation is unique and your feelings are legitimate. The only person who can possibly know how to best care for you right now is YOU and if that means you need to keep visitors at bay for awhile, you should been completely justified in doing so! You also should feel like you have every right to change your mind later if your needs change. I'll be sending thoughts and prayers your way!
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  • @Lady_1981 I don't have anything to add to the above, just that I agree with them. You do what you need to and others need to be understanding. Thinking of you. 
  • I've seen similar discussions on my BMB and it's not something I really thought about until then but now I'm trying to plan for it.  My husband and I pretty private people, my mom made a comment to me about how she (and the other grandma) went to the anatomy scan with my brother/SIL to find out the sex.  I don't know if she was hinting she would want to come to ours (even though we aren't finding out the sex), but the thought of bringing anyone else to one of our appts never even occurred to us!  I know my mom will respect my boundaries after, and always make sure to call and see if it's ok before she comes over, but I'm not sure about my ILs.  It is their first grandchild, and my husband has 3 siblings that all seem to be as excited (if not more) about this baby as DH and I!!  They are also a family with no boundaries, always stopping by eachother's houses, etc.  In the past this has not included ours b/c we live about 30 min away and they all live within blocks of eachother, but I'm worried about that changing when the baby comes.  I told my husband we're going to have to at least instill a please call/text first rule.  At least I don't have to worry about family staying with us though, I don't think I could handle that.  

    Sorry I haven't really addressed your initial question @Lady_1981, I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone in wanting/needing your alone time and I echo everyone else's comments that you should do what you think is best for you and your little one.  I know it's hard to do that when other people are vocal about feeling put out about it, but it's best to do it now or you'll keep having to deal with it!
  • Not rude at all! After our first two children we were very firm with this rule. if anyone thought it was rude they kept it to themselves and regardless I didn't care.

    This time will be different bc my mom
    niw lives across the country and she will be here the month I'm due bc she will stay with my girls when I birth this baby. I would prefer she not be here after but I don't really have s choice since she will be here already. I'm nervous about it and feel
    it will aggravate me. at least she is helpful with cooking and chores.

    DD1 born 5/24/10.

    Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.

    DD2 born 5/14/13.

    Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.

    Expecting someone new 4/17/17.
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