Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Feeling lost and guilty

Tuesday I learned that my third pregnancy ended in my first miscarriage and I'm left feeling lost and guilty. Before this pregnancy I was sure that I wanted a third child. Once it became real, though, I was fearful of almost everything that was unknown for the baby's health and fearful of everything that was about to change in our lives. Now that the possibility is gone I don't know if I want to try again because of all that fear that consumed me. Yet, if we don't try again I feel like there will always be this lingering what could have been. On top of all of this I feel guilty for feeling so sad and lost because I already have two beautiful healthy girls for whom I am so thankful. I do appreciate the beautiful family I already have but in my moments of sadness I feel as though I am not being grateful.

Re: Feeling lost and guilty

  • jen83mnjen83mn member
    edited February 2017
    *TW: LC Mentioned*

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are totally normal ... when I got pregnant with what would have been #2 for me (I have a 17-month-old son), I was so excited, but also just felt like something was wrong. I ended up being right and had a very early miscarriage at 4w6d on Jan. 7 of this year. But prior to that, I remember wondering if we should have waited longer before trying again (our kids would have been just 2 years apart and our original plan was to have them 2.5-3 years apart) and was I really ready to be pregnant again so soon after just "getting my body back" a few months ago after a year of breastfeeding.

    I had overwhelming grief and sadness that first week and couldn't stop crying ... and my hormones were all over the place which didn't help. Once the bleeding stopped, I felt a little more like myself and didn't have that constant reminder every time I used the bathroom, and as the next few weeks passed, it was a little bit easier to deal each day. Now, almost a month later, I still get those feelings of sadness when I encounter a pregnant person or see another baby announcement on Facebook, but I'm able to move past it without crying and letting it consume me. I also now have hope that while it didn't work out this time, that doesn't mean it won't work next time.

    We plan on TTC again in June, which was our original plan from the beginning before I got anxious and too excited and wanted to try earlier. I feel like maybe the timing just wasn't right in the grand scheme of things, and I'm using the next few months to accomplish a few personal goals and to-do's on my list so I can stay busy.

    I also understand feeling bad and guilty about mourning this loss when I should be feeling so thankful for my little guy who brings so much joy into my life. But grieving your loss doesn't take away any of the love you have for your two girls ... you have every right to grieve what could have been and to take some time to process this, while still being thankful for all the blessings you do have in your life.

    Time heals ... you don't need to make a decision right now about whether you do or don't want to try again. That's an impossible decision to make when this is all so fresh in your mind and you're still grieving. Just give yourself some time, and when you feel like you've had time to grieve and are more in a place of hope, then make that decision, and don't let this loss make that decision for you. 

    Sending you hugs!
  • @thefabfive I'm sorry for the way you're feeling. I understand the guilt. I, like @jen83mn , initially thought I got pregnant too soon and had all kinds of doubt run through my head, but I was excited. And even though I had doubts, this baby was wanted and loved and now very much missed.

    *tw lc*
    Also after this loss, I really realized how much my son means to me. I think it made me appreciate him more. He has really been a great distraction during this hard time.

    I'm sorry for your loss and for the difficult decision you're now facing about whether or not to try again. Good luck, and enjoy those beautiful girls of yours.
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  • @thefabfive

    *TW: LC*

    @pumpkin0913 also brings up another great point ... if anything, this loss has made me appreciate my son even more (if that's even possible) and hug him just a little bit tighter every single day. I am so very grateful for him, and he was definitely a huge reason why I was able to recover fairly quickly ... it's hard not to smile and laugh when he brings me so much joy on a daily basis, even when going through something super tough. Looking at him also reminds me how much I want another baby, only because he is such a sweetheart and brings such joy into my life.
  • You have every right to grieve your family not looking as you had hoped at this time. Keep positive too- "only" one m/c doesn't impact your chances of having another baby 
    Siggy Warning--------

    CP #1- due April 2017 lost 5.5 weeks
    cp #2- due May 2017 lost at 4.5 weeks
    iUI #1- BFN
    IUI #2-BFN
    IVF#1- transfer 2- BFP! Due October 2017 c/p#3 lost at 3.5 weeks
  • I agree with other posters. You loved that baby and need to grieve. It doesn't make you less greatful for your other little ones. Chasing after a toddler has kept me busy and my mind occupied a little more but I do take time out to feel the sadness and let myself morn. It is healthy to let yourself feel how you feel in the moment.
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