Fantasy vs. Reality

MMaru

So, I'm sure I can not be alone in this.  I am one of twenty cousins (just my FIRST cousins alone, not even counting second and onwards) and I am a proud aunt to four nieces and nephews.  I'm also in my early thirties, so several of my close friends have kids.  Basically, I have been around pregnant women and babies and small children and such my whole life.  I really thought that I'd be all prepared when my time came.  I had this fantasy that because I am an educated and experienced woman, I'd surely be suave and handle the entire pregnancy with grace and class.  I would never call my OBGYN over something that didn't actually need their attention and if I had symptoms, I would deal with them by researching and figuring out a solution.  Undoubtedly, with my love of organization and preparing ahead of time, I'd have the whole nursery set up by the second trimester, and it would all coordinate and look just fabulous in my scrapbook.

REALITY: I'm a friggin' mess.  I know I used to know all sorts of stuff about babies and being pregnant, yet mostly I feel like I've got that mental deer-in-the-headlights thing going on constantly.  I recently had some severe back pain accompanied by some cramping and made the mistake of Googling what it might indicate, so the following morning sobbed into the phone at my OBGYN's nurse that I am afraid I'm going into pre-term labor (I wasn't.  Not even remotely.)  Speaking of sobbing, in my pregnancy journal that I keep, I have begun a section I call What I Cried About Today, and it includes things like the fact that my husband thought it was December 2nd when it was only December 1st, and my boss asking me to double-check and make sure I signed off on a form, and whether or not the front door would close properly with one of those coat hanger things installed on it.  I worked two jobs up through the end of my second trimester and left my part-time job to enjoy working just one full-time during my final trimester, thinking how nice it would be to get the extra rest, but instead, I am mostly only catching snatches of sleep here and there as my anxiety has my brain crawling all around my skull.  But then other times, I'll sleep for ten solid hours.  And regardless of which case it is, I never seem to have the drive to accomplish anything.  We're less than two months away now and the back room that we were supposed to use for a nursery, the one I got all cleared out and ready to work on once my husband got the furniture all switched around in our storage unit... yea, he decided one day that he wanted to find his old Pokémon cards to sell them for some extra cash, tore apart all the totes I'd packed into the closet, and just never bothered to put them back.  And even though we got the storage unit back in September, he has STILL not switched out the furniture, so I can't set up the nursery which just frustrates the ever-loving crap out of me.  (allegedly there is a plan to get this done this weekend, but this will be the third weekend since I've gone into rage-nagging mode about it that this plan has been made.)  But then again, even if that room was empty, we don't have anything to put in it yet furniture-wise!  I have a horrible case of pregnancy brain and thus feel the need to constantly double-check every single thing I do at work, which means everything takes me longer than normal.  Even nice things like my sister throwing me an online baby book shower since we live hundreds of miles away are just overwhelming and I can't seem to get myself to focus on anything.  I get bummed out about the fact that I don't go out and do anything, but when I have the time and opportunity, I make the choice to stay home in my jammies anyway.

Just feeling like I've massively failed this whole pregnancy thing.  I've been through so many other women's pregnancies with them and constantly thought how I'd do things differently, and now I'm just constantly mentally apologizing to them.  Pregnancy kind of sucks, and I suck at it!  Anyone else have much different expectations versus the reality they're now facing?

wintersong

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety! Something I have struggled with is mild postpartum anxiety (which just like ppd can strike while still pregnant because hormones) and just knowing it was common and tons of women experience it helped me to deal with it. Discussing my anxiety with my husband is also helpful because he grounds me and also sees where he can pick up the slack to take the pressure off. 

But yeah, people don't usually enjoy being largely pregnant. Fortunately we are in the home stretch! 

motherofdragons-2

Oh mama..... I agree with PP that you miiiiiight be freaking yourself out and giving your poor self anxiety- from what I am reading you've got a lot of pressure on yourself, like way a lot. A pregnant woman should not feel bad for calling her OB about severe back pain, especially if its her first baby! (Nor should she be ashamed of crying over silly things.)Thats what doctors are here for! Hubby not co operating I can see and empathize with about help getting organized- when you already feel out of control the last thing you need is your life partner dropping the ball. I would continue to nag him kindly, but unapologetically and sit him down and lay out why this and that is so important to you and the health of your baby that it get done. Your job and pregnancy brain is unfortunately one of those stresses that must be dealt with on the daily and would be much easier if you were able to feel focused and centered- easier said than done. With my first baby I had a picture in my head of how it was supposed to go and it was all so much more disappointing and depressing. I had a horrible time mentally and it took me many months to find that warm spot in the midst of the storm. A big part of it is feeling physically secure and if you dont feel that way, you must find a way to be so! ( getting organized, coming home to a clean house, good balance of going out time and staying in, knowledge that your hubby has your back) talk to him openly and honestly, reach out to friends and family for help getting your spark for happy times back, and please please mention all of this to your doctor! I am praying for you! You dont suck at pregnancy and the very fact that you're so stressed out about these things indicates you will be a very competent, detail oriented and organized mother for your baby! Take care of yourself always and dont be afraid to melt down and cry it out- you're pregnant and thats enough of a reason to be stressed!  

sunshine507

Yep. Totally thought the house would be clean, I'd have meals planned and shopped for every day, I could take on more of DH's chores... no. Not even close. 

Ivorytower2

Not sure if this helps or hurts, but with my first kid I was OVER the top crazed and prepared with freezer meals, 10 different types of pacifiers, 5 different swaddle options, hospital list, birth plan, etc etc etc. this time I have not done anything. I mean I really ought to at least wash some baby sleepers and buy a pack of Newborn diapers, but point being, once you see your baby you will realize that nothing else matters. They don't need anything except you. I used to freak out about changing situations with baby- a move or trip or even an hour long outing to grocery store, but then someone gave me a good piece of advice (stolen from the show Lost)- you are your baby's "constant" and all they need to be happy is you and your arms (and maybe boob haha). Everything will make more sense once you see that little face. Hugs mama. Hang in there.

UnicornsPlease

@MMaru I feel you. My family is throwing me a baby shower, which is super lovely and generous....but they planned it for Feb. 12 in PA. I live in DC, and I'll be 36 weeks at that point. So I don't have a bassinet, or a rocking chair, or baby monitors, or any of the 192 other things Babies R Us was pretty sure I should be registered for. Meanwhile on the weekends, I've been laying on the couch elevating my massive ankles, watching every season of ER in chronological order. I'm up to season 9.

I think the expectation that massively pregnant women are going to keep working and acting normal and cleaning the bathroom and whatever is insane. Have you ever dealt with pregnant animals? We had a pregnant pet bunny named Rose back in the day, and let me tell you, Rose got WEIRD when she was pregnant/right after having her babies. She slept a lot and kept to herself and obsessively made a fur-nest and bit my dad for coming too close. Way I figure it, we're all in our Rose phase at this point. We should all try to cut ourselves some slack

RunBooRun

UnicornsPlease said:

 We had a pregnant pet bunny named Rose back in the day, and let me tell you, Rose got WEIRD when she was pregnant/right after having her babies. She slept a lot and kept to herself and obsessively made a fur-nest and bit my dad for coming too close. Way I figure it, we're all in our Rose phase at this point. We should all try to cut ourselves some slack

I think Rose is my spirit animal because this is me right now. The nesting is strong.

My shower isn't until Feb 4th and I can't wait. I'm feeling blessed by their generosity, but stressed because I feel like I can't prep anything until afterward.

thisisallyson

@UnicornsPlease totally hijacking this thread....but where are you watching all the episodes of ER? I love that show but last I looked they weren't on Prime/Netflix/Hulu. 

@MMaru I feel the same as you and I just keep telling myself that there is an end in sight and everything will be fine. And worth it. But if you need to break down on the phone with a close friend or family member like I did last night with my sister and just let it all out, do it. Get the support wherever you can because this is a huge life change and we deserve to be supported through it. Also, you aren't the only one who hasn't started on the nursery. Ours had turned into a storage room and we have yet to clean it out. Nevermind painting the pepto bismol pink walls and setting everything up. It is okay if it doesn't get done before the baby is here. Hang in there, mama! 

Cbeanz

It's only just begun mama. Once the baby was outside the anxiety multiplied for me. It's very different when it's your body, your baby, your family, and suddenly there's no mom in charge but you.

Find your mantra, "we are OK today" and go easy on yourself. 

MMaru

Thank you so much for all the support, ladies.  It's been bumping around in my brain for so long and I really needed to get it all out in the open - really appreciate your thoughtful responses!  And glad I'm not the only one!

UnicornsPlease

@thisisallyson  My husband somehow ripped all the DVDs for me. I'm...not sure it was an entirely legal process ;-)