The "congrats" makes me cry

FarmerO13

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I'm dreading telling people we are expecting because I literally tear up and start to cry every time I see the excitement on other people's faces and they say "Congrats!" I don't know why... might be because I feel that's an inappropriate way for some to respond to news that is not always good. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and decided to "not stop" pregnancy, but I didn't think it would happen right away. I can definitely say he's very excited and I'm 30 and not sure I'm ready for this (I think I'm still too young). 

Has as anyone else experienced this? How did you respond or handle it? How did you tell people so that their automatic response isn't so inappropriate? 

tripledaggerWed95976

FarmerO13 said:

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I'm dreading telling people we are expecting because I literally tear up and start to cry every time I see the excitement on other people's faces and they say "Congrats!" I don't know why... might be because I feel that's an inappropriate way for some to respond to news that is not always good. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and decided to "not stop" pregnancy, but I didn't think it would happen right away. I can definitely say he's very excited and I'm 30 and not sure I'm ready for this (I think I'm still too young). 

Has as anyone else experienced this? How did you respond or handle it? How did you tell people so that their automatic response isn't so inappropriate? 

I'm really having trouble figuring out how "congrats" is an inappropriate response.   Totally not saying that to be rude, it's just that  your explanation of it doesn't make a lot of sense....

also, you may have trouble finding many people on this board who relate to thinking 30 is too young to have a baby.   In fact, age 35 is considered to be an "advanced maternal age." So,  purely from a technical standpoint you definitely aren't too young.    

That said, if you more meant that you feel unprepared to have this baby, you're definitely not the first to feel that way.    I felt unprepared with my first, but as time went on everything started to feel more and more natural.  

As far as telling people they are being inappropriate, I have no advice because I really don't understand how congratulating you is inappropriate.   If you are not excited that you are pregnant and that's why you feel it's inappropriate then I guess that is something that you will just have to be straight forward with people about.  

mesamyt

Congrats on your pregnancy!  There are many, many women who would love to have that "burden".  If you weren't ready to be pregnant you should have talked about it with your partner before you decided to "not stop pregnancy". I hope that in time you will be able to come to enjoy this pregnancy and enjoy the joy it is to become a mother. 

meggyme

You don't have to tell anyone you're pregnant until you're ready. Take some time to wrap your head around it and try and get to a place where you can accept congratulations. Because if you can't handle being congratulated for being pregnant, you should not bring that child into the world where it's own parent can't be happy to have them. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I think that every child should be a loved, wanted child. I also think this is something you should have come to terms with before deciding not to prevent pregnancy.

kmwills

I can sympathize.  We are unexpectedly pregnant with #3.  Due to medical complications, this pregnancy is pretty much against all odds.  When I called my OB's office to make an appt, they congratulated me. Yeah, well, I'm freaking out here for a number of reasons.  So I just said, "uh, thanks." 

I just wouldn't tell people. You're not obligated to tell anyone about your pregnancy at this point, other than your doctors. Social media puts way too much pressure and expectations for how to handle everything these days.    Handle things at your own pace. 

I also think it's normal to feel the way you do with your first pregnancy.  Not every woman yearns for onesies and booties since their wedding day.  And you shouldn't feel guilty because some women struggle with infertility - you have every right to feel the way you do.  This can be scary.  It's a big change to your existing relationship with DH & to your current lifestyle.  Try to figure out why you feel too young - are there career goals you haven't met yet?  Travel you'd like to do?  What do you feel is missing?  Because like PP said, you're definitely not too young from a biological standpoint.  Maybe you can talk to DH about things you'd still like to accomplish and work together to achieve them.  Your life isn't ending - you're just starting a new chapter!  ::Hugs::

Minger86

I agree with PPs... Congratulating someone on their pregnancy announcement is not inappropriate. If you are set on having this baby, and are not happy about it or looking forward to it... Then you should tell people that, so maybe they won't congratulate you. But, you probably won't like some of the responses that you do get. That is a very awkward and uncommon conversation to have.

msashley2010-2

I am currently pregnant with my second child and while I do not feel this way now, I definitely felt similar to this with my first child. 

I became pregnant with my first child when I was 18 and still in high school. I definitely felt too young. Her biological father did not want her and wanted me to abort. I obviously refused because I knew I would love her so much. My mother, however, was extremely happy and was in a hurry to tell everyone about it. 

It was hard for me to accept congratulations when I was a stereotypical pregnant teen in school and I felt everyone was silently judging me with their congratulations. 

However, she is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to my life. I'm writing this with tears in my eyes at how much joy she has brought into my life and how much her presence has kept me grounded and inspired to be successful and make good decisions. 

Now that she is the age of 8 and I am 27, I do feel ready to be a new mother again. 

It will get better. i don't think anyone congratulating you would be inappropriate and I think that anyone who does congratulate you truly means well. I would just wait to tell anyone until you are in a better place and can accept the reactions from other people. 

NamelessAria

If you don't want to be congratulated just change how you're framing the news. So instead of saying something like "we're expecting our first child!" or "I just found out I'm pregnant!" try something like "I'm a giant idiot who stopped preventing pregnancy before I was ready to be pregnant. Now I'm pregnant and super not happy about it!" I promise no one will congratulate you then.

That being said I don't personally think it's inappropriate to congratulation a woman who is announcing her pregnancy. I would say congratulations unless the person made it clear that it isn't a happy thing. And I've never felt it was inappropriate for someone to congratulate me. I've always appreciated the congratulations. But I mean the difference is my husband and I were TTC for nearly 2 years with multiple losses and we're both totally over the moon about this pregnancy. I can see how it might be strange to get the excited "congratulations!" if I felt like I'd made a mistake getting pregnant.

kiki75

Here's the thing. Unless you're considering terminating, this really is happening and you need to work towards embracing it. Continuing to focus on the negative will not serve any purpose at all. If people were to say, "Oh, geez. I'm so sorry. That's the worst." That doesn't help at all. What does help is to have people who will tell you congratulations and support you in finding the joy. 

Frankly, I think you should talk to your doctor about your feelings and look into getting some advice from a counselor or someone such as your pastor. 

canonmom413

If you're for real unhappy about you're pregnancy , you need to suck it up buttercup. Buckle up. It's already done. And lets face it, 30 isn't 16 as much as some 30 year olds these days feel they are. A congratulations for a pregnancy to a 30 year old married woman is so far from inappropriate. My suggestion would be to read some books, seek some counseling and talk to your health care provider.