Announcing to Friends Struggling with Infertility?

vannilly

Ladies, have you had to tell any of your friends who've been struggling with infertility that you're pregnant? If so, how did you do it? And how did they handle it?

I'm nearing the end of my first trimester and can't decide how to do this  Please share any advice you have!

imwithbaby

Yesssss I did. It took us a while to get pregnant, so I was used to being hurt/bummed by pregnancy announcements. I have a dear friend who has been trying for 3 years, and she was helping me through struggling to get pregnant so I DREADED telling her. I had to though once she sent me a sweet infertility article

imwithbaby

UGH I keep trying to edit my comment since TB ate half of it but it's not letting me. Sometimes this app drives me NUTS. Here's what my comment should say:

Yesssss I did. It took us a while to get pregnant, so I was used to being hurt/bummed by pregnancy announcements. I have a dear friend who has been trying for 3 years, and she was helping me through struggling to get pregnant so I DREADED telling her. I had to though once she sent me a sweet infertility article. I just told her straight up that we were pregnant and I was struggling with how to tell her because I was afraid it would hurt her heart. (It was longer and more heartfelt than that, but TL;DR). She was sooo gracious about it.

I would just be sensitive to her throughout your pregnancy, not just at the announcement. Sometimes she might be fine talking about your pregnancy, and other times those same conversations may cut like a knife. We had friends who got pregnant on the first try while we were struggling, and they couldn't understand why it hurt to hear all of their pregnancy milestones. It ultimately cost us our friendship since it wasn't fun for DH and I to be around them hearing all of the things we do desperately wanted, which stinks. 

Nxy

My very best friend can't have kids and she was the first person I told. I just told her I've got some news and I know you'll be excited but feel free to let me know if your having a hard time and I'll back off on the baby chitchat. Just be gentle and don't overwhelm them with baby talk. Be sensitive to their struggle but if you're friends it shouldn't be too hard. 

SarahBethBR

My brother and SIL are struggling with infertility.  We were too, so I was very wary of how to tell him.  What I decided was that I would tell him over the phone before telling the rest of the family at a big family gathering.  That way he could react however he wanted with me (he was obviously a little sad which I totally understand.  He is ecstatic about his new nieces or nephews now), and he could tell my SIL privately so she could react however she needed to.

I think if it's someone you're close to (and it probably is if you know about their IF struggle), just give them time and space to react however they need to.  A text or e-mail so they can take time before responding might be good.

LoweeeK

I'm so glad this question was raised. I have a friend at work who has been struggling with infertility like we were and she actually had her first attempt with IUI the same day we had our IVF transfer. Neither of us have spoken about it since and I'm nervous to tell her that we were successful when I know the chance of a positive IUI outcome is so low. Obviously she is going to find out about me eventually so I think she will be the first one at work who I tell in a few weeks. 

On the other hand, I had a good friend who was actively trying when we were in the thick of IF and I told her that if she got pregnant (ended up working the first month), I didn't want her to feel funny and be nervous about telling me! I knew that I would certainly be a little bummed, but my excitement and happiness would definitely outweigh that. I guess everyone is a little different. 

mokay19

I agree with @SarahBethBR  
My husband and I had a hard time conceiving and we have a few friends that are struggling. We told them each separately and in a quiet way so that they could let their own emotions run the show. You don't want to overwhelm them with your excitement because that can cause extra hard feelings since they may feel bad that they can't immediately share your joy. They will come around, but sometimes they'll need alone time and a few bottles of wine before they do. 

JWatt5

Being an IF patient and having quite a few friends that are as well - we want you all to be happy, healthy and pregnant too. We're just a little jealous. I was bummed with every announcement, even thought I might have trouble accepting my own nephew for a bit but the love for my friends and family came first, the tears second. Everyone is different though so I think if you are sensitive to them it'll work out. 
Good for you for asking, I think IF patients will really appreciate your consideration
 edit - cut off!

CanadianChris

As someone dealing with infertility for a few years, it was always a little sad to get a baby announcement but at the same time of course I was super happy and excited for my friends!

I wouldn't do anything different in telling people really but I would be more sensitive about talking about the pregnancy with them afterwards, maybe let them dictate how much they want to talk about it or to bring up the topic/ask questions most of the time. But as an infertile person it was also annoying when I felt like friends were "tiptoeing" around the topic to spare my feelings - so I told them straight up not to worry about offending me and that I love hearing about their lives and experiences no matter what it's about! I think it's just about finding a balance - don't talk baby/pregnancy 100% of the time, but don't not talk about it at all for fear of hurting their feelings

kvh22

I read up on this once I became pregnant as we have close friends who are struggling. My biggest takeaways were that you shouldn't announce to them in front of a group (which seems obvious) and each situation is different. As many PPs have said, it's important that they can have their own reaction without having to feel guilty. Most likely, they will eventually be very happy for you. You know your friend(s) best so likely know the best way to tell them. I am planning on telling our friend via text or email as I know she'll need some time and will probably be quite upset. I'm also planning to tell her before many others so there's no chance she finds out from someone else. I've talked to other recent FTMs who struggled with IF who said it was hard but they were still very happy right away and glad their friend told them in person. It's not one size fits all.

lewliv

I'm also dreading telling my brother. He and his wife had a miscarriage last year and during our last phone call he mentioned that they were trying again and that hopefully this would not be one more thing that I would have first (although I'm younger I graduated from college first, got married first, bought a house first, etc.). I know he was joking but I feel really awful so I hope that if I wait for my 12-week scan, by then, they are also expecting. 

DoulaTog13

I told my friends who were struggling with loss and/or infertility via private message a few days before my official announcement.  I didn't want them to be blind-sided and I didn't want them to feel they should hide whatever immediate reaction they may have.  They seemed to appreciate having a chance to be upset/sad/etc and come to terms with their own emotions before responding and congratulating me. I knew their well wishes would come from a place of love and honesty and I wanted my announcement to them to come from the same place. 

AdvoCyndi30

My sister struggles with infertility. I made sure to just be considerate, and I told her first, and away from everyone else. I knew she would need to process it in her own way and in her own time. 

She was thrilled for us, but still sad for herself. inlet her know when we would be announcing to the rest of the family, so she could choose to be there or not. 

Best advice is to just be considerate of their struggle. Big, group announcements aren't easy for them. I suggest telling them individually. 

frizzell76

I asked my mom how should tell my friend who has been trying for a year or more to get pregnant. I was planning to announce it to a group of friends and she would be there. I didn't know if I should text her before hand so she could have a little warning. my mom, who struggled for 5 years to get pregnant with me said she had friends who would get pregnant, and we're afraid to tell her. she said it made her feel worse that her friends were afraid to tell her. she loved her friends and wanted to be happy for them. In her words "I'm a big girl. I can handle it." so that's  what i did and of  course she was so happy for me.

PinkPrincessPiper

I told both my sister & my cousin that have fertility problems before we made the announcement on social media. I didn't want to be insensitive to their struggle. 

persnickity

Most people have covered it with telling them separately from everyone else. I struggled with infertility and need to have IUIs to get pregnant. The thing that hurt the most was hearing people talk about how easy or simple it was. 

stellabella2015

My best friend (since the first day of 7th grade!) and I both struggled, at varying degrees, with infertility. I had secondary infertility and anovulation, whereas she had massive scar tissue on both fallopian tubes. She ended up having to have her tubes removed in order to continue with IVF. While she was doing that, I was on a slew of medications to try to ovulate, none of which were effective.

She had 1 failed IVF attempt, and then she was gearing up for the second transfer when I randomly POAS and it came up with a faint positive. We were already talking that day, as we do everyday, and I told her that I thought the test was wrong, because the monitoring my doctor did all pointed to the fact that I wasn't going to drop an egg. She was encouraging while I was down, as she always is. We take turns being each other's rock in moments of darkness.

We had all of these hopes and dreams of our babies growing up together and were so hopeful that THIS IVF was the one that was going to stick. It didn't. And it was devastating, for both of us, but obviously astronomically more so for her.

After that, she was really short with me. I knew better than to talk about the baby at all, so I kept all conversations far away from the topic of pregnancy or anything baby related. Even still, I knew that she needed space without her saying it, so I gave it to her.

Her and I have always been extremely honest with each other, and shared our jealousy over announcements. The thoughts that no one says aloud, and the ones that are behind the faked, "I'm so happy for you!" responses. With that in mind, there are a few things that I did, that I wish others that knew of our infertility struggles had done for me.

- I respected her space. I know that this is not only about me. I know that if I needed her to be there for me, she would. But right now, she's grieving the loss of a second IVF.
- I didn't talk about anything baby related unless she brought it up, and even then, didn't take it as a sign to go full on geek-style with it.
- I acknowledged her pain. I felt her pain many, many times both with her and separately 
- When I post on Facebook, if it's baby related, I restrict her. It's not purposefully leaving her out, it's that I know she doesn't have control over what pops up in her news feed, and she doesn't need to hear the heartbeat via doppler
- She knew before anyone else, including DH. As other posters have said, tell them separately, preferably over the phone so that when the conversation ends, they can handle it in the way that they need to cope. Don't be surprised if they get off of the phone relatively quickly.

Our relationship is strained. We both know that it is. It is the harsh reality and the ugliness of infertility. I don't blame her. She texted me and told me, very honestly, that she's happy for me but she can't talk to me without feeling jealous or that it's not fair that it's not her turn. She said that she hopes she can get through this and be on the other side, so we can share in this excitement together. She knows I worked hard for this, and she loves me, and we'll always be best friends.

In conclusion after this exceptionally long response... know that their response, if it's less than favorable or you find your relationship strained, is not your fault. But be mindful of what they're going through. As someone who has been on both sides, it's really all you can do.

AdvoCyndi30

@stellabella2015 You are a fantastic friend and she is blessed to have you. You are being so considerate of her feelings and that is so admirable. I know it might not be easy right now, but because of the respect you are showing her, I have no doubt your friendship will be stronger than ever soon. 

DoulaTog13

One other thing to note...  don't automatically assume that your IF friends want or need to be sheltered from your news.  My friend who is also my co-worker is suffering from secondary IF and recently found out that she is not even a candidate for IVF without using a donor egg.      I approached her and told her to please let me know if she needed a break from me to process her own situation and she very honestly told her that it would upset her more if I excluded her from conversations about my pregnancy and that she was very happy for me and wanted to be a part of everything.   So, it does vary from person to person. 

pbandjyummies

so I'm pregnant with baby #2 and I have a close friend from college that announced she was pregnant last January and about a couple weeks later had a miscarriage, she was about to enter her second trimester when it happened. I was also pregnant at the time and probably a good 8 weeks ahead of her. anyways, we haven't heard from her since, I have no idea of she's struggling with infertility or if she's even had subsequent miscarriages or maybe she decided to take a break, I literally have NO idea. I'm also afraid to ask.

well now it's a year later  and I have my beautiful 7 month old and now expecting my next one. I don't know how to approach this. I don't want to make any assumptions cause I honestly don't know what's her situation. I'm thinking of letting her know separately just in case, I have yet to announce to anyone.

ead1215

My best friend has been trying for several months now and nothing. She knows of my past and we've discussed it but I still dreaded telling her. I was getting anxiety over how to tell her bc I knew it'd crush it. I finally ripped the band-aid off and sent a text. She had a very gracious response and said she's excited for me and that it gives her hope. 

indulgentgypsy

I personally feel that a text or email is best, as the other person does not have to put on fake happy face or voice and can deal however they need to. 

What ever you do, don't announce to friends with IF or losses by sending them an invite to the baby shower. That is how a "friend" of mine handled it with me after 2 losses and the passing of my mom. Sent me a shower invite even though she had not talked to me in any other way since my mother had died 4 months earlier.

schmoopie1-2

Absolutely agree.  I've been that "time and a bottle of wine" recipient of news dozens of times over the past few years.  We were with friends this weekend who are so desperate for #2, I couldn't bare to tell them I was pregnant (though it's still early anyway).  She asked why I didn't want a drink and said, "Oh, are you in your TWW?" and I said, "Yes, yeah, that's it..."  Then she asked me about what my next steps were when our husbands went out to pick up food, I told her if this cycle didn't take I was going for an HSG blah blah blah.  A part of me feels badly about "lying" b/c when we do announce, they'll know I was pregnant when we saw them, but what can you do.