1st loss - looking for support/advice

marisaloughney

I'm sad to be here as I know everyone reading this is. I miscarried on Sunday and I've been hesitant to write here but I need all the support I can get right now. 

I went to my regularly scheduled pregnancy confirmation appt on Friday with my gyno. They did a pap and ultra sound where all we could see was the gestational sac and yolk sac. Too early to see anything else. Later that day I started spotting very lightly. 

The spotting continued through Saturday and Sunday afternoon I wiped after going to the bathroom and it was a lot more than spotting. So my husband and I headed to the ER. 

At the ER, they did blood tests and an ultra sound and I got to hear my baby's heartbeat. I was measuring at 5 weeks and 5 days. They checked my cervix as well and everything we still closed. We were so relieved and left with more confirmation then we had when we got there. 

About 3 hours later, I woke up from a nap and the blood was that of a period. I knew something was not right and I'll spare the details but I ended up back at the ER that night where they confirmed my worst nightmare was a reality. 

Im still having a hard time wrapping my head around how everything took a turn for the worst in the matter of hours. This was my first pregnancy and I feel as though my experience has been tainted. It's hard to think positive that this won't happen again when I get pregnant for the second time. I'm open to any advice, experience and stories everyone has. I'm trying to stay positive but I know I also need to feel. 

justsuzie

So sorry you find yourself here. I had a loss my first time getting pg too. I felt a range of emotions. My advice is to feel whatever you feel when you feel it. Grieving is different for everyone. I'm not gonna lie, I was a crying mess for 1 entire month. The second month I was able to cope and now about 4 months later I'm back to my old self. I certainly think about the loss and end up falling into a rabbit hole of negative thoughts if I let myself.

What helped for me was setting milestones after the loss. Getting my HCG to zero, getting AF, ovulating...  I hope you are able to find support in this shitty time. 

*edit because apparently I can't spell on bump mobile 

NYTino24

I'm sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board. I find myself repeating a lot because we are all in similar, yet different situations in different parts of the journey. It sucks, but know that it gets better. I am 10 days post MC at 8 weeks and I am already doing somewhat better. Everyone does differently. Read some posts and chime in with whatever questions you have. Hugs!! 

Uhlease13

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending positive thoughts your way, and that each day gets just a little bit easier. 

You are right, unfortunately, pregnancy after loss is scary, and we are definitely not able to enjoy pregnancy like some others are. I wish I had some advice for you, but my first two pregnancies ended in mc, and what I've learned is there are good days and bad days, so try to enjoy the good days, and don't get down on yourself for the bad days, just let yourself feel how you feel. Hopefully you and YH can be there for each other. Hugs! 

jen83mn

*TW: LC Mentioned*

I'm so sorry for your loss I had my first loss a week and a half ago at 4 weeks 3 days. After a relatively uneventful pregnancy with my son less than 2 years ago, I was not prepared at all for this outcome and we were so thrilled to be pregnant. When I started spotting, I figured it was just like my other pregnancy (I spotted throughout my pregnancy). But when my pregnancy tests started getting lighter and I got my HCG tested and it was on the very low range of "normal," I knew something was up and prepared myself for the worst. After three days of spotting, I started heavy bleeding and bled for six days, no cramping, just a lower backache. My HCG was back to 0 within a week of the miscarriage. It was like a cruel joke ... pregnant one week, miscarried the next week, back to "non-pregnant" status the next.

What you are feeling is totally normal. This has hit me so hard emotionally and has been the toughest thing I've ever dealt with ... I went through so many emotions. First denial, then acceptance, then grief, sometimes anger ... the emotional pain has been so much worse than the physical. I can only imagine how much tougher it had to be for you after seeing the heartbeat and feeling hopeful again that everything would be ok.

I worked from home for a week because I was so emotional and would burst out crying at random times - I just couldn't control my emotions, and I know my hormones weren't helping either. But I will tell you, it does get easier. You won't forget, but you will find ways to make it through the day. Just take it day by day. The first week, I cried at least once every single day. The second week, I've only shed a few tears, but most days I make it through the day without crying. I've tried to stay busy, and as hard as it is sometimes, I try to think about the positive things in my life and everything I have to be grateful for. I actually bought a small daily journal with just a few lines for each day and plan on writing one thing I'm thankful for each day, or one happy thing that occurred that day. Even on my bad days, it's nice to realize that I still am very blessed.

Don't lose hope! Yes, pregnancy will never be the same again. When you get pregnant again, it will be nervewrecking and it will be hard not to assume the worst ... I know I have that same fear. But I also know how badly I want another baby, so I can't let the fear overcome me. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and when you feel ready, you can try again ... I have so many friends who have had miscarriages (it really is more common than you think), and all of my friends have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. That gives me hope, and talking to them about their experience has really helped me see that I can still have hope and that hopefully next time I'll get my rainbow baby. Thinking about you and sending you hugs!

merrypotter

So so sorry for you loss and that you've found yourself here   I'm 3 weeks post MC and I have moments of sadness, but the pain does get easier to deal with. There's also moments of extreme hopefullness; I try and hang onto these moments for as long as possible.
Warning: people may say some pretty insensitive thing (though I know their intentions aren't bad) such as "at least it was an early miscarriage." Early or not, it hurts. We understand and are here for you  let yourself be sad. That's how I've been coping. I just need to let myself feel it all so I'm not bottling it all up. I hope you get your rainbow baby

marisaloughney

@justsuzie thank you for your encouraging words. I definitely not holding back the tears. I cry when I need to and it helps talking to other women like yourself who know exactly how I feel. Best wishes to you

marisaloughney

@NYTino24 many hugs back to you. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope I can be as strong as you are at 10 days post  

marisaloughney

@Uhlease13 I'm so sorry your first two pregnancies ended in MC. That's my fear as we continue to move forward trying again but I know I can't let it consume me. My husband has been great the past couple of days. I hope I can continue to find peace in the good days and just feel on the bad ones like you have. Many hugs back to you

marisaloughney

@jen83mn wow, you wrote exactly how I feel- I was tearing up reading it. I'm trying so hard to let myself just feel when I need to. Today is my first day back at work and while I was getting ready this morning, I didn't feel like I could do it. I was going to tell my boss I needed another day but my husband encoraged me to try to go and see how the day goes. After a good cry, I was on my way. So far everything is good and it's helping occupy my mind. I'm already anticipating a good cry when I get home tonight.

I was able to talk to a friend last night who also miscarried her first pregnancy and it was oddly comforting hearing her story and telling her mine. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced but with women like yourself taking the time to tell me it sucks but everything is going to be ok really helps. Thank you so much telling me your story and responding to mine. It means the world. 

I didnt know the term "rainbow baby" until the day after it happened. One of my best friends told me about it and I found so much comfort in knowing. Later that night when she left my house, she texted me this picture shortly after and said "I have a feeling this is for you" 

I hope we all get our rainbow babies soon. Thank you again for being there for me. 

marisaloughney

@toniherdt thank you for your kind words and giving me hope that I'll be ok soon. Hugs to you as you continue to heal and I hope you'll get your rainbow baby soon

jen83mn

@marisaloughney

I hope your first day back at work goes well, and if you need a good cry in the bathroom stall, there is no shame in that (I've been there!). I don't know if you've told any of your close coworkers, but I let my close coworkers and boss know what was going on before I went back to work (via email because it was all I could handle). It has definitely helped now that I'm back at work so if I seem off or keep more to myself than usual, they know why and have been very supportive. I also let them know because I was supposed to co-host my good friend and coworker's baby shower 5 days after I miscarried. It was the toughest decision because she is an amazing friend who was there throughout my son's pregnancy, but I decided not to attend because I didn't think I could realistically handle it. She was very understanding, and to make myself feel better, I still helped out with decorating beforehand and with preparing the games, then just left for a doctor's appointment right before the shower. Not only did I not want to burst out crying during the shower, but I also didn't want anyone else to feel awkward about what they said or did at the shower, considering half of them knew my situation and the other half didn't. It's tough, because situations that normally would never bother you are triggers ... seeing pregnant people, newborns, baby announcements on Facebook, baby showers. It's really tough ... but each day does get easier.

I didn't know much about the term "rainbow baby" before my good friend miscarried a few years ago, but she had her rainbow baby 5 months ago and it has since taken on a whole new meaning for me and given me so much hope.

If you need to chat more, feel free to private message me ... I've found a lot of comfort in talking to the amazing ladies on this board and others who have gone or are going through the same situation right now. Hugs!

NYTino24

@marisaloughney I think my rapid hormone drop made me as mess really fast, but I also started feeling better quickly too. I do get sad at times, but I haven't cried today. I have issues that always prepared me for the possibility of loss, so I wasn't blindsided. It still always comes as a shock, even to women who have experienced more than one, I'm sure. I agree with @jen83mn that my coworkers knowing before I came back helped. In fact, one person who didn't know was quickly filled in after saying something triggering. I literally excused myself quietly to go to the bathroom (unfortunately the only one available is the one where I started spotting) and they had let her know by the time I returned two minutes later. She apologized later. Sharing your story may help. Just remember that there is no grief timeline or specific process. I think we all mourn the loss of what could have been, including the thoughts of a worry-free pregnancy in the future. It's okay. We are here for you. 

liz4382

I am sorry for your loss.  I was also pregnant for the first time and I miscarried early Sunday morning, so we have some similarity in our experience. I found that the routine of work helped so much--I hope that was true for you as well and the rest of your workday was ok. The picture your friend sent of the rainbow made me tear up--what a beautiful sentiment!  I too hope we all get our rainbow babies soon!

marisaloughney

@NYTino24 I had my husband tell my boss early Monday morning so he knew why I wasn't coming in for the next couple days. My boss texted me and offered to tell my coworkers so I wouldn't have to. I had him tell the couple I am very close to and it definitely helped today when I went in. No one really asked me about it but acknowledged it to me in their own ways. I opened up to my closet friend about it and got through telling her everything without crying which was a big win in my book. Going to work today definitely helped keep my mind occupied so I'm glad my husband encourage me to go this morning when I thought I couldn't make it through the day. Thank you for being there for me ❤️

@liz4382 I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Sunday was definitely the worst day of my life as I'm sure you felt the same. That picture gave me so much hope and comfort and I'm glad you had similar feeling when seeing it. It was taken Monday evening so it's very sentimental. I looked up a quote that I found so fitting to our situation "The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow." I hope you get your rainbow baby soon. Please feel free to private message me if you want to talk more. Talking to all these women has helped me so much in the past couple of days. I'm so grateful for that.

amu1234

I'll be honest, once you experience a m/c you are forever changed! That being said, it does not define what other pregnancies will be like. I was fortunate enough to get pregnant immediately after my 1st m/c. While I was scared and anxious the entire first trimester I ended up with an amazing and healthy rainbow DD. 

As I sit here broken courtesy of m/c #3 all I can do is accept that I'm feeling what I'm feeling. We all have the right to cry, scream, punch, etc. in order to cope with the loss we feel. I assure you it does get better with time. I can also assure you that while the emotional scar of your experience will always be there you will find the strength to move forward, you will find joy again, you will be you again (maybe an even stronger you)!

rainbowwishes5

I am so sorry for your loss. Find comfort in the fact that the vast majority of those who lose only 1 child will never ever go on to having another loss. You're chances are so good that you will never suffer this again. Hugs.

schnitz9

Siggy Warning and living child mentioned

@marisaloughney I am so sorry for your loss.  I know all too well exactly what you are going through.  I've come here to give you some support and encouragement.  Before my son was born I suffered 2 early chemical pregnancies and was starting to loss hope.  I'm glad I didn't complely as he is the light of my life. We decided to try again this past spring when our little guy turned 1. We were so excited to find our we were pregnant in aug and everything for the 1st week or so seem good.  Numbers doubled and was scheduled for a dating US.  At about 6.5 weeks I started bleeding.  Found out through blood test that I was loosing the pregnancy.  I was devastated. I went back in for more blood work and we were able to follow my numbers down to below 5 which is consided not pg.  The good news my doc told me was since I was able to past the pregnancy on my own without a D&C we could try again once my cycle came back.  We intended to do just that.  Went on vacation to get away and really wasn't thinking about anything. Went in about a month or so after my MC because I thought I had a UTI and it turned out I was pregnant again.  We didn't even realize that I ovulated while on vacation and I apparently conceived about 2.5 weeks after my MC. I am a little over 22 weeks with our 2nd little boy and so far he is perfectly healthy.  Please do not loose hope and do not let this experience tarnish anything in the future.  I too took time to grieve and understand what was going on.  And of course for the 1st few weeks of this pregnancy I was terrified.  But like mentioned above most women do go on to have very successful pregnancies after a loss. Good Luck in the future and hope to see you a BMB very soon.....

Beebee12052011

I'm so sorry for your loss. My first miscarriage I carried for 12 weeks and it didn't grow past 5 weeks but I couldn't do it. Then I had to have a d&c. This one I found out a couple days ago and the lines started to fade went to the er and bam my levels dropped and ultrasound shows nothing. It's hard it really is I feel for you 

rainbowwishes5

So sorry @Beebee12052011