How do you stray strong while TTC

Cinnamonn

 Hello everyone! Me and my husband have been trying to conceive for a year and a half now. I just found out that my first IUI failed and I cried all night. There is no one to talk to about it, I don't have parents and all of my girlfriends Have newborns or are pregnant. My best friend just had her baby and all she talks about is her little girl. And all her pregnancy she talked about pregnancy. She never worked Nor he has any interest so I can blame her that's all she talks about. It's very hurtful for me. I started avoiding her but I feel like it's not right. My husband is trying to be supportive but I feel like we don't  share the same emotions. How do you cope with this? How do you MoveOn? I feel so lonely

funkykey

Hi @Cinnamonn! Welcome! I hope you find these boards as helpful as I have. 

IF sucks a lot. A LOT. I don't know how people stay strong, because I certainly have had nights where I've cried the whole time - literally sobbed for hours! I've also had nights where I have drowned my sorrows in wine... 

For me, it helps to take it one day at a time. I don't have a huge support network - a lot of my friends, like yours, have babies or are pregnant (now with their second children). I don't talk to them mostly because I feel they, as kind and generous as they are, can't relate. But I do have one or two friends who I confide in and are supportive - even though they haven't been through this, they have been wonderful.

My husband hasn't always been super supportive - he and I have had differences of opinion about how aggressive to be with treatments, for example - but on his good days, he has been a rock to me, and I have to remember that he is going through this too - that it's our IF, not just mine. Obviously, this is emotional for him too. And the further we get into this, the more we come together. We are more on the same page now than we were at cycle 7.

Sometimes, I find it really helpful to remember that everyone - every single person - at one point will be let down by their bodies. I know that sounds dark, but it helps me when I remember that having medical problems is a normal part of life. I mentioned I don't feel many of my friends can relate - they can't. But that doesn't mean they won't be able to later. We're young, so not many of us have had medical problems yet (this is how I see IF, that some part of my body isn't working the way I need it to). But they will - everyone eventually has to come to terms with the limitations of control they have on their own bodies. It's awful and it's painful, but it's also part of being alive, I think. I don't know if that will provide comfort to you, but it does for me - this struggle is age-old!

Good luck to you! I'm sorry about your failed IUI, and I'm sorry you have to be here at all!

WildMagelet

Some days I do, some days I don't.

I'm sorry to hear about your failed IUI.  Like PP said, IF sucks.

My husband and I have been trying since we got married in June 2015.  None of my close friends are trying so they don't really "get it", but they do still try and be supportive.  Most of the time they don't know what to say, but I have one friend in particular who's a saint and willing to let me talk through my feelings and pick me up when I'm feeling down. 

Two of my siblings were also married shortly after us and TTC.  First grandchild for my parents.  I'll be ecstatic to find out I'm going to be an aunt, but I'm scared I won't be able to hide my disappointment if my brother & SIL or sister & BIL announce they're expecting first. 

For me, I just try and take it one day at a time.  I try and fill my spare time with distractions like working out, cooking, Netflix, and reading.   Sometimes keeping busy is exhausting, but then I'm too busy to focus on the fact that I'd prefer to have spent that time being a mom.

hoffmanr7

Hello, I am sorry you are having a rough time.  I have found that this board actually helps ALOT.....even more so than any comfort or support from my friends as the woman on here are all going through similar troubles.

One question, does your friend know you are having TTTC?  I have also found that by telling the people closest to me, including friends and a few close people I work with, that it also helped a lot.  Perhaps, if your friend knew what you were going through, she would have more of an opportunity to be more sensitive to your situation and decrease the baby talk.

Rosie2525

It is hard. We have been trying for about 6 months (which I understand isn't THAT long, but he has E.D. issues) and seeing pregnant women is just upsetting. I mean, good for them, but it hurts. And I know it must sound crazy to women who get pregnant easily, but it is true. And MY husband, while he wants a baby, just doesn't seem to understand the important few days we have to actually get pregnant. If it is hurtful for you to be around friends who just talk baby talk, I would suggest another topic. If they cannot understand that, they need to, because you are not being rude, you are hurting and they need to know that.

kd0202

@Cinnamonn  I'm so so sorry to hear about your IUIs. I know you posted a while ago but I resonate a lot with what you are saying. My husband and I have been trying for a year and we are starting IUI next cycle. I am already afraid of the torrent of emotions that I know will befall me if it fails. 

I totally understand how painful it is to see your pregnant or parenting friends. My friends all have more than one child and got pregnant very easily. I recently heard about two other couples that are friends of my husband that have just started. I asked him not to tell me if they got pregnant because I didn't think I could take the sting of knowing it was so easy for them, that they started trying way later than me but got pregnant before. 

I am lucky to have a friend at work that has PCOS that had trouble getting pregnant. She understands and we even go to the same RE now. I can't imagine how lonely I would be without her so my heart really breaks for you. As for me trying to stay sane, I do try to keep busy with work. These boards are really great but there have been times where I have to take a break because I can just obsess even more by constantly talking about TTTC and googling things. Taking a break from obsessing sometimes is what saves my sanity. Easier said than done.

I also try to make "grateful" lists in my head about the blessings of having this time for just me and my husband together. I know a lot of my friends with children really envy the days when it was just them and their spouse in terms of romance and time. So on the days when we sleep in together, or take spontaneous trips together I make sure to take a mental snapshot and thank God that even this phase of life has its blessings and perks. I do believe God has his timing for our family so I cling to that. My husband and I don't always agree on best approaches to take for TTC but he really is wonderful and I try to really spend time meditating and reflecting on that.

I have a friend that has two beautiful children but a tumultuous marriage and while I am jealous that she got pregnant so easily, I know she is also envious of my marriage because its so great and we are so kind and compatible with each other. I envy my other friend who gets to be a stay at home mom and dedicate her life to her kids. But I also know she sometimes finds its hard to not have the satisfaction of having a fulfilling career. In some ways no family is exactly the way they had hoped and we are all grieving the loss of that perfect family or life we had imagined. Remembering that seems to help me. 

PoeMasque

Hang in there. This is so much harder than any of us were prepared for.....especially because no one is prepared for it. I've been extremely open about our IF with friends, family, coworkers....pretty much everyone. What I've learned is that so many more people deal with this than you would have imagined. Women who I assumed got pregnant easily ended up telling me it took them years or it took meds/treatment, even suffering through multiple losses. 

I let myself have "tantrum days". I allow myself to think bad things about people, feel sorry for myself, cry, whatever I need to do to let these intense feelings out. I'm not allowed to wallow for more than one day, then I have to move on.

tops-2

I'm struggling with coping too. We've only been TTC for 8 months, but I have PCOS and am not ovulating (CD 74 today). It's hard because I feel like I have no one to talk to. My hubby is amazing, but I'd like a friend to chat with. My friends who have never TTC are quite dismissive (You'll get there/It'll happen when it's meant to happen/I had a friend with PCOS and she conceived with no problem etc). I also have friends who had TTTC too, but I hate unloading on them.
I'm glad I've found this forum because it feels good to know there are so many other women struggling with similar problems