Late Term and Child Loss


Hey guys. I recently lost my little girl on 12/21, after her birth on 12/16. My birth was fabulous and uneventful, went exactly how it was planned, but upon birth her oxygen levels were low so they sent her to another hospital with a nicu, then after an echo it turned out she had a vein that grew on the wrong side of her heart and it was also blocked. She got airlifted to her third hospital, en route she coded twice, something I didn't even know til a few days later. originally they told us she would do surgery that night, but because of the coding she had to recover. Her body never did, her organs started shutting down instead, and we took her off the machines keeping her alive on 12/21.

Originally I blamed myself. I went crazy, thinking it was something God was trying to tell me for months that I was missing, and this was supposed to get my attention and show me what it was I wasn't doing. I came up with all these things I felt guilty for: being lazy and not keeping the house clean, giving up on things that had been hard (a small farm, my horrific job, relationships with coworkers that were too difficult), and also not living in the moment but constantly looking for the next goal. For several days every time I was presented with a decision I was like, oh shit, what should I do? What will make God happy? I kept thinking I had to make sure I got the lesson so it wouldn't happen again (we do plan on trying again). Now I just try and think about all those things that I clearly feel guilty about and reevaluate how I handled them. Especially living in the moment. Being better at that will make things better regardless. 

Monday it will be one month since birth and I go back and forth with how I am doing. I have days I cry constantly and days I am happy and cry only a little. I have stopped feeling guilty for the good days because sometimes the bad ones are bad, and I have to hold on to some happiness. 

I have heard two things that help me every single day since she died. One, from my aunt who lost a child  days after birth 30 years ago, said, "Don't let your tribute to her short life be the undoing of yours." I am not sure where I saw this other concept, but I read somewhere else that you shouldn't let grief turn you into someone that you aren't, or someone that the person you lost would be ashamed of. 

These things carry me through, along with a prompted grief journal and and a journal that I keep on my computer about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe we can all help each other with our "crazy" thoughts and feelings that family just doesn't get. 

Re: Intro

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not fair and I'm so sorry you are going through this, no one should ever have to go through this. I like the concept of what your aunt said. I try to think that I need to live the best life I can because my daughter didn't get to. I need to do it for her <3

    Your crazy thoughts are probably the same as mine (and most of ours). It's normal. hugs to you!
    🌈  Preemie 2016  🌈
    ♥ Stillborn 2015 
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    I'm so very sorry for your loss.  Journaling is a great way to help yourself cope; I write to my daughter every day.  I think the advice your aunt gave you is wonderful.  Life after the loss of a child is different and difficult, but you learn to rebuild yourself.  

    You did nothing wrong.  Your daughter was loved wholeheartedly for her entire life, and that is such a wonderful thing.  Don't worry about the good and bad days right now.  You'll eventually learn to adjust and control, but honestly it's been 4 years and I still have bad days and moments.  Grief is an expression of love.
    Lilypie - Personal picture Lilypie - Personal picture Lilypie - Personal picture 
     DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • I am so sorry for your loss. I like the words your Aunt spoke and I will remember them to help me as I work through a similar journey. I would love to help each other through this journey as family and friends do not fully understand the crazy thoughts and feelings. Please feel free to reach out any time.
  • I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Nothing you did caused this to happen. You would have done anything you could have to help or save her if you could. My son died 3 years ago at 39 weeks with my labor. My strength has been just trying my best - I'd like for him to be proud. Hugs to you. 
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