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Late Term and Child Loss
Aademoas
member
New to the group
Aademoas
member
I am sharing our story to seek support and understanding from others who are going through this or have been through this as I am feeling numb and alone.
On 12/27/2016 I was at a routine Dr appt. for a 38 week check. I am a high risk pregnancy as I have a blood clotting disorder which we discover when I became pregnant with my son in 2013. He was born a health boy in March 2014. We took the same precautions with this pregnancy as we did with my son. Every appt was great no cause for concern as she passed every test they had for her. On 12/27/16 my blood pressure was a bit high, and I was swollen they took me to the hospital to evaluate me for pre-e, which I didn't have. They were planning to induce me on the 29th, but since I was ready and we were at the hospital we went forward with the induction. Everything was going great I was responding to the induction and dialating with no issues. I got an epidural and progressed to 10. She was monitored the entire time with no problems. I pushed and pushed and out she came, but immediately stopped breathing. And my world came crashing down. We went from excitement to sheer terror in seconds. The NICU team and everyone else in the hospital responded to the code called in our room. I watched as the staff worked to recesitate my little girl. They brought in blood transfusions, and worked on her for over 45 min while I watched helplessly paralyzed by my epidural. They came over and told me that they were sorry but my little girl didn't make it. All I remember screaming was no! This can't be we did everything right, saw all the specialists and did everything they said this isn't happening to us, but it did. We named her Kelsey Ann DeMoss and we spent as much time with her as was possible. We bathed her, dressed her, took pictures and imprints of her hands and feet. It was the most precious moment of my life.
Over the last few weeks we have endured and autopsy, cremation and memorial service for sweet Kelsey. But as her mom I feel extremely alone, and guilty. I know my husband, son and extended family are grieving too, but I feel like nobody understands.
On 12/27/2016 I was at a routine Dr appt. for a 38 week check. I am a high risk pregnancy as I have a blood clotting disorder which we discover when I became pregnant with my son in 2013. He was born a health boy in March 2014. We took the same precautions with this pregnancy as we did with my son. Every appt was great no cause for concern as she passed every test they had for her. On 12/27/16 my blood pressure was a bit high, and I was swollen they took me to the hospital to evaluate me for pre-e, which I didn't have. They were planning to induce me on the 29th, but since I was ready and we were at the hospital we went forward with the induction. Everything was going great I was responding to the induction and dialating with no issues. I got an epidural and progressed to 10. She was monitored the entire time with no problems. I pushed and pushed and out she came, but immediately stopped breathing. And my world came crashing down. We went from excitement to sheer terror in seconds. The NICU team and everyone else in the hospital responded to the code called in our room. I watched as the staff worked to recesitate my little girl. They brought in blood transfusions, and worked on her for over 45 min while I watched helplessly paralyzed by my epidural. They came over and told me that they were sorry but my little girl didn't make it. All I remember screaming was no! This can't be we did everything right, saw all the specialists and did everything they said this isn't happening to us, but it did. We named her Kelsey Ann DeMoss and we spent as much time with her as was possible. We bathed her, dressed her, took pictures and imprints of her hands and feet. It was the most precious moment of my life.
Over the last few weeks we have endured and autopsy, cremation and memorial service for sweet Kelsey. But as her mom I feel extremely alone, and guilty. I know my husband, son and extended family are grieving too, but I feel like nobody understands.
Re: New to the group
No one understands if they haven't been through it. It's the worst thing to have to go through and so very unfair. There is no way to make sense of it. It's just the way it is, I guess.
I share this quote with most of the loss moms I encounter because it helped me not feel so crazy. I looked at it every day.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I hope you are able to get some answers from your autopsy. It is normal to feel guilty but I am telling you that you did nothing wrong.
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015