Shower guest lists

mamatowildones

Ok so this is baby 3. I told my mom and sister I didn't want a shower. They're insisting and today my aunt offered her home and a date was set. I'm conflicted with a few things. First of all I'm thrilled and excited. We didn't have a shower for baby 2 and this may be our last so I'm happy to celebrate him. I'm worried about the guest list. Everyone from my side is set and easy. But on DH side he has some stepsiblings. I plan to invite the stepsisters. They each have daughters. One I love. The other I have no interest in having at my shower. How the hell do I not piss people off here?
Also, my mom wants me to register and I am dead set against it but she thinks it's important. There isn't much that we need but she wants me to get the items we need. Since everything has been through two boys there are some things that are unusable. All opinions welcome!

emilyalso

I know there are varied opinions about showers for subsequent babies, but if someone is throwing it for you - that's different from tooting your own horn and begging for gifts. My worry if you don't register is... people will go rogue and you may end up with a whole crop of things you don't want/need. Maybe you could tell close family about any big ticket items you need and just register for smaller things (if your worry is seeming greedy). 

As far as the daughters - are they young enough where you could say it's adults only and that would exclude them? Either way, I think it's both or neither. Maybe you can hope it's a full moon that night and she will be busy with preparations. 

mamatowildones

@emilyalso hahaha awesome. They're both in their 20s so can't blame it on kid status. I'm going to talk to DH about it. But he's a people pleaser and I think he'll be upset if I don't invite them. Uuuggghhh

nda_roxybabe

My SIL with her last baby, just let people know she wasn't requesting gifts, but because people kept asking she had her own sort of list on Amazon of things to buy. I directed people to that list.

SKZW

Okay, first off, the elephant in the room: Is this witch like 14 years old or 26? If she's 26, you don't need to extend an invite. However, you can't slight a young woman in favor of inviting her other female cousins/relatives and not her. That's a no-no. If you invite one stepsister, then it's all stepsisters. If it's one of their daughters, then it's all of them. Chances are, she might not want to attend. And just to be clear, are we talking about a satanic cult member black-magic (maybe voodoo practicing?) type of witch? Or a rebellious-teen dabbling-exploring goth-dressing regular old everygirl? Or a hippie earth-loving, good magic, belongs to a white coven witch? There's a difference. (And yes, there's maybe some snark in there, but still honestly curious about your take on it.)

Registry: If you are "dead set against it," then good! Keep it that way. If anyone asks your mom or you what you need/like/want, you can give the very-high-road reply that gifts are appreciated but not necessary and there's no registry. If they push, you can certainly have a few ideas jotted down to pass along, whether verbally or in an email. There's no harm in being prepared for that question if it comes up. People often bring gifts of diapers, wipes, and onesies to showers, and often like to pick out things on their own; items you suggest can be more general (size 6 month clothes, board books, pacifiers) rather than specifically listed on a registry, if this makes sense.

SKZW

Okay, I just read that she's in her 20s. I still stand by my "if you invite one, you have to invite the rest" statement.

mamatowildones

ETA this didn't sound quite right and sounded super judgemental and pretentious. which isn't what I intended. She's free to do and believe what she wants as are all of the women I surround myself with. There's quite a range of people in the family and friends that will be there and all will be there based on the love they have for baby to be. 

achays11

@mamatowildones my aunt through a shower for my cousins third baby, it was a surprise but she just asked people to bring diapers. A couple of people bought gifts other than diapers, but not many. 

And I agree, if you invite one you need to invite them all. 

ETA: because my phone likes to add words. 

NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot

mamatowildones said:

Thank you ladies. She's a "witch" in her 20s. I'm not totally clear on the type of witchcraft she practices. I'm a fairly conservative faithfilled person and I want nothing to do with her quite frankly. I think I'll extend the invite to the stepsisters and no daughters. 

When I first read this I thought you meant she was a jerk. I don't think it's very Christian of you to exclude someone based on their beliefs. 

Also, I would side-eye an invite to a shower for a 3rd kid that included a registry. Maybe just say "no gifts please" and use the event as an opportunity to celebrate you & your son. 

mamatowildones

  

inomniaparatus2

achays11 said:

@mamatowildones my aunt through a shower for my cousins third baby, it was a surprise but she just asked people to bring diapers. A couple of people bought gifts other than diapers, but not many. 

And I agree, if you invite one you need to invite them all. 

ETA: because my phone likes to add words. 

I like the diaper idea. If you are dead set on not registering I would give your mom or whomever is throwing the shower a list of items you may need. Most won't have any idea and it's actually easier if they know what you need vs trying to figure it out. I was in a similar situation for a sprinkle and after so many people asked what she needed she gave a small list which was nice to have and way easier on the people invited.  

jayandaplus

Invite them all and just talk to the ones you want. If y'all don't get along, she likely won't go.

As for registry, are you against it because you feel bad or just don't want to do it? If it's because you feel guilty or something, just do it!! If it's because you don't want to (this idea boggles my mind), then dont-- but also don't be surprised when you get things you don't need or want or like.

I wasn't going to say anything, but I can't help myself. As a FTM, I think showers are awesome. I do not understand the concept of showers for first born only (maybe because I'm second born, ha). I think those who want to celebrate your baby want to celebrate! It's all about food, fun, babies, and maybe some gifts. Let celebrations happen!

kat81

Invite the witch. She won't come. If she does she probably won't do anything and you can ignore her. You said she is a nice enough person. The only people worth excluding are people who will definitely have a direct impact on your enjoyment and others' enjoyment, like someone who would show up massively intoxicated, etc. So invite them all or invite none of them.

As for gifts, I would put "no gifts" on the invite but then you can register on the side and have your mom have that info. That way people who come to celebrate can just do so, but perhaps a few insiders can get stuff that you actually need. I guess it depends on how much you need. For our third, we need a new carseat because ours are spaced out enough in age that our infant one is about to expire. I also need a pump and some pump supplies because that one pooped out at the very end with #2. Hopefully insurance is covering that, though. I think there are a few other things we need but not much. I'd be pretty horrified if I had a shower and had to come home with a carload of gifts. Our house just can't sustain more stuff and I'd probably give it all away!

n&a0630

I don't see a problem registering. Even though you have a lot, everyone needs diapers, wipes, other disposables, etc., & this gives you a chance to tell everyone the brands you prefer. Also, you may have other things you need that have become too worn out from your other kids and there are always new gadgets you might find interesting & helpful. You just don't need as large of a registry as a FTM would. 

Here's what I would do as far as the invites. I would invite everyone, even the witch. I am too concerned with hurting anyone's feelings. Not saying that's my advice to you, just what I would personally do. Chances are the witch may not even care about coming. Wish I could offer better advice there. 

vrj0522

Register for the basics like diapers, wipes, butt cream, baby wash, lotion, etc and have that ready but don't include registry info on the invite, simply have it available for when people ask. 

pshaortao

I agree with PPs. Just invite them all. It's just a 2-3 hour event I'm guessing and you don't have to socialize with certain people the whole time. And I'd at least have a registry of the things you prefer (diapers, wipes, bath, etc). I have a secret registry at target for this LO so I can at least get the completion coupon. 

mamatowildones

Thanks ladies. I've added everyone to the list. Also I think I'll have a registry off the invite then so if people ask my mom or sister or aunt can direct them there. 

luckywife10

Because I have a similar situation as OP I'm going to say if you don't feel comfortable inviting a certain person to your shower (which gives them the right to show up even if you don't think they will come) then don't invite them. Yes, it may make that person or other family members upset or feel slighted, but oh well. I don't get along with a certain family member who would normally be invited to my shower if she hadn't turned into an unpleasant person (we used to be very good friends). I would feel very uncomfortable, awkward, and not be able to enjoy myself if she came to my shower. If she asks me why she isn't invited to my shower I'll tell her I don't feel comfortable having her there because our relationship isn't the same as it once was. (There's a long story as to why this person and I had a falling out but I'm not going to go into it.) Many family events call for sucking it up and putting on a happy face when you have to deal with difficult family members. However, you can choose to not have to deal with certain people in certain situations.

BabyMC517

I don't have much to add other than I agree with PPs comments. I think adding the diapers, wipes, creams, etc. is a good idea, plus why not say gift cards would be appreciated? The gc doesn't necessarily have to be for baby, but maybe even to a restaurant or to the movies so you can get out of the house once you are comfortable to do so with your hubby. Just a thought  

clebl24

mamatowildones said:

Thanks ladies. I've added everyone to the list. Also I think I'll have a registry off the invite then so if people ask my mom or sister or aunt can direct them there. 

This would have been my suggestion re guest list and registry.  

LeilaD123

vrj0522 said:

Register for the basics like diapers, wipes, butt cream, baby wash, lotion, etc and have that ready but don't include registry info on the invite, simply have it available for when people ask. 

Great idea. I'm having the same dilemma. This is baby #2, and they'll only be 2 yrs apart. My friend really wants to have a shower, saying all babies deserve to be celebrated- and I agree! I don't want to register because I have the majority of items, but I think i'll do what you suggested.

I think it's unfair for ppl to judge having a shower for baby #2,3,etc. It's a celebration!

fbmandy55

mamatowildones said:

ETA this didn't sound quite right and sounded super judgemental and pretentious. which isn't what I intended. She's free to do and believe what she wants as are all of the women I surround myself with. There's quite a range of people in the family and friends that will be there and all will be there based on the love they have for baby to be. 

My SIL is a practicing pagan. I am Lutheran. Religious differences have never come up at any family event and she even attended our wedding in a church and didn't burn inside.