Not excited yet

MySallyGirl

Hey all - I just did my introduction in the thread above.  This will be baby #4 for us.  We had decided after 3 kids, we were done.  I was totally shocked by the BFP last week and haven't come to terms with it all yet.  I've cried a lot and been super scared how we are going to afford another one...etc.  We only were careless one time...but that's all it takes!  I'm having a really hard time accepting this is going to happen.  DH is being really supportive.  I could never have an abortion or anything.  I will be 38 when baby is born and DH will be 41.  We both dislike the infant stage.  It's been a rough week.  We both work full time, but I know my workplace will be super supportive.  It will just be a little crazy and stressful for awhile.  Anyone else having a hard time with the next that you're expecting?  Anyone else ever felt like this with past pregnancies? 

MySallyGirl

I should add we have DS 5, DS 3 and DD 16 months

Becky012016

This post might not be well-received here. Both of my pregnancies were wanted and planned for so I can't sympathize with your situation but i can emphathize with it. Just remember that the newborn stage is just that, a stage. It ends eventually and you'll sleep again. It's only months in an entire lifetime of experiences and memories you get to make with your new addition. 

sugarpixxie2

This baby was very planned but my 1st was not.  I have 2 kids ages 11 and 8.  My DS who is 11 I found out I was pregnant with him 3 weeks after separating from my ex husband.   It was a rough time.   I could not imagine my life without him now.   It will get better,  and you will get to a point where you would never want to be without this child.  And you have support so that is awesome!    One day at a time mama, it will work out. 

mrs_tacos

It might have been better to post this in the Second-Time (or more) Mom thread. I tried for four years to have one child, so I'm not a good audience for your "we were careless one time" thing. Not saying you shouldn't post it- I'm sure there are plenty of people here who can relate to you, just that there's a better place to put it.

As for disliking infanthood, try to remember that it's only one year out of an entire lifetime. You get to be this kid's mom waaaay past the infant stage, and that's pretty amazing.  

ashleyrexrode

Message me any time you want to talk. I'm a true judgement free zone. I mean that. Big, giant hugs.

lap018

I understand why you're concerned, but your life and this little ones life only happen once. I know there are very real and present concerns that you're facing but try to just enjoy the stage that you're in. I tried for my DS for 3 years (he's 16 months) and now this one happened accidentally on purpose (not trying not preventing) and sometimes even I feel a little overwhelmed that we are having another baby. But then I try to think about how blessed we are to have each other and a roof and food and clothes and love between us and how at the end of the day that's all you really need 

SuperKristy85

I've had a very hard and emotional year trying to have my first baby so I am also not your target audience. However, I think you will feel differently once the baby arrives. Given that your youngest is 16 months at least your still somewhat in that baby range where its not like starting all over again after 5 years. 

MySallyGirl

Thanks you all.  I know I"ll be happy about it all eventually.  I'm just struggling right now.  I feel guilty b/c I know we are lucky compared to so many who have struggled much much more.  I didn't notice the 2nd time mom thread...probably would've been a better spot to post.

MySallyGirl

Also @amandarene112 congrats.  That is fantastic news. 

MySallyGirl

@SuperKristy85 congrats on your first. 

mrs_tacos

Thanks, @MySallyGirl. I really hope you feel better about this pregnancy soon!

SuperKristy85

MySallyGirl said:

@SuperKristy85 congrats on your first. 

Thanks! And you should never feel guilty for  your feelings. Its not like we can really help them. 

Breath_Easy92

I don't know if I can relate completely as I very much wanted this baby but I do related to the how am I going to afford this feeling as I thought I would have more time to plan.  Also I am scared this being my first time so I'm sure that can translate in some way.  I just try to be grateful that I can have a baby and I am having a relatively easy pregnancy so far compared to some others. There are many people who can't have a baby at all so I feel blessed to be able to carry one. It probably helps that my grandma (who was catholic and didn't believe in birth control and had about 6 more babies than she ever would've chosen to) The existence of a person is always a good thing. I don't know if this helped and I don't mean to tell you that your feelings are wrong but I thought maybe a different perspective might help I wish you all the best and hope you adjust to your big news 

msashley2010-2

I can completely relate to how you feel! When I first got my BFP I was in shock. My jaw dropped and I did not know how to feel. I didn't know what my SO would think either so that added to my stress. We weren't trying (but not actively preventing other than the obviously ineffective PO method [sorry if tmi]) and I intended on getting back on BC in January. I was on the phone with my mom when a noticed the test being positive and I just blurted it out to her and she was crying tears of joy. (My dad passed away only a month ago and at least it was a little good news from her perspective) 

I'm so worried about finances and space because our house is so small and trying to prepare everything. I'm also a huge worrywart and have a way of convincing myself that something is going to go wrong. 

My boyfriend and work and family are so so supportive and I am extremely excited to meet my little one. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared. I think that everything will be okay! The baby stage doesn't last very long and even though I don't miss the sleepless night, I so often miss holding my little baby girl when she was younger. Now she is too big to carry and she is so independent! 

Oh oh my goodness I have written an essay lol. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'll be happy to listen! I definitely know how you feel ❤️

Sprite2012

I can sympathize.  Not with this pregnancy, but with my first.  He was a shocking surprise (I had been on BCP for 12 years).  DH and I were focused on travel and careers, not conceiving a child and growing a family.  It wasn't even in our 5 year plan.  When I got my BFP, I was calm on the outside but freaking out inside.  I'm sad to say (but being honest) I wished for AF for a couple weeks after we found out.  But that was a blink in time. I have never ever looked back.  DS is the best thing to happen to us.  He's my favorite person in the world. We would be missing so much life without him.  I'd take 5 of him, shocking surprise and all.  

It needs to sink in, become real.  You aren't the first to add a surprise child to your family, and you won't be the last. I also think it's important to acknowledge and accept how you feel now in order to move on.  You have the right to feel the way you feel.  Don't let TB make you feel guilty.

MplsKate

@MySallyGirl Thanks for being honest about the other emotions that come with this journey, especially early on. This is my first pregnancy and we were solidly on the NTNP train, and it was still a significant shock to us to get a BFP. One of us experienced childhood medical issues that we really thought would prevent us from conceiving naturally or really at all. Over the last 6 days we have had some major struggles, even though we've always said-- and believed-- we wanted to be parents. It's just... a little terrifying. 

GracefulStar

Hey mama! Cut yourself some slack! Did you read your post? You have a 5 and 3 year old and 16 months! No wonder you are stressed. You probably have no time for yourself as it is, let alone wonder how you will fit in another beautiful baby. I'd be surprised if you get any decent sleep, my 23 month old still gives me issues now and then. You must be an amazing mom, and your heart is in the right place. Just take a deep breath, you will be fine. Just focus on having a healthy pregnancy and loving your family as you do and things will fall in place. Maybe share your feelings with your husband? Just know that you are the perfect mom for your kids, you are all they need.

JessKo08

It's okay to have these feelings, just like you said, you'll come to terms with it eventually. I'm nervous too, with DS only being 18 months when this LO arrives. I'm constantly wondering how I'm going to handle 2 under 2, but I know it will work out and be wonderful. Someday, years down the road, you'll look around your full dinner table and be so glad this little baby joined your family when it did and you won't be able to imagine life without this LO. 

kell plus 3

I hear you! My hubby and I were done too after 2 girls 6 and 2.5. This BFP was a huge shock and has taken some getting used to. We are also worried about finances and childcare as we both work full time. I am getting more excited as each day passes but I cried and still can't believe I am having another child at 37. It will get better and this baby will be welcomed in to our tiny home. 
I am sure you and your family will also find a way to make it work. Not everyone has to be thrilled at first so don't feel down on yourself for that. 

sugarrush

amandarene112 said:

It might have been better to post this in the Second-Time (or more) Mom thread. I tried for four years to have one child, so I'm not a good audience for your "we were careless one time" thing. Not saying you shouldn't post it- I'm sure there are plenty of people here who can relate to you, just that there's a better place to put it.

Sorry but I disagree with you.  Her post is absolutely an appropriate topic to start her own thread.  And if plenty of people can relate (which it appears that there are several responses) then it was appropriate for her to start her own thread.  And instead of telling her your not the audience for her, why not just click out and move on, rather than say she should have posted this somewhere else? 

sugarrush

@MySallyGirl   DH is struggling with this idea that #2 is on the way, despite trying for a year and a half.  We decided that we weren't going to look into intervention and just take things as they were.  He got to the thinking (and I did too, at one point) that baby #2 wasn't going to happen for us.  So he is still in denial at this point.

MySallyGirl

Thanks for all the support ladies.  Glad to hear I'm not the only one struggling a little bit with it all.  It really does make me feel better to know others can relate.  I've never heard anyone say they wished they had less children, so I know in time I will see it as a blessing.  But OMG the shock! 

MyNamesTaken

A friend of mine is having #4. They were done after 3 and gave away all their stuff and moved to a place perfect for their family of 5. When she told me about her pregnancy she had so many mixed emotions which was totally understandable. And she felt guilty about not being 100% excited. She's over halfway now and they've made plans and have so many people excited for them that she is really happy and excited and hasn't looked back!

You shouldn't feel guilty for anything you're feeling. Having a baby is one of the most complex things a person can go through, so it makes sense that you're feeling how you are!

mrs_tacos

SugarRush said:

amandarene112 said:

It might have been better to post this in the Second-Time (or more) Mom thread. I tried for four years to have one child, so I'm not a good audience for your "we were careless one time" thing. Not saying you shouldn't post it- I'm sure there are plenty of people here who can relate to you, just that there's a better place to put it.

Sorry but I disagree with you.  Her post is absolutely an appropriate topic to start her own thread.  And if plenty of people can relate (which it appears that there are several responses) then it was appropriate for her to start her own thread.  And instead of telling her your not the audience for her, why not just click out and move on, rather than say she should have posted this somewhere else? 

There are a lot of women on here who just got long waited for BFPs after battling through loss or infertility, or both. Even though OP's viewpoint is valid, it's still incredibly painful for a lot of women to hear someone say they aren't excited or didn't particularly want their baby, especially when conceiving was so easy for the OP. I said something because I'm sure there were many women who did just click out without commenting, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. I wouldn't make an "I'm Afraid Every Day That I'm Losing My Baby" post, even though it would probably get a lot of comments and have plenty of audience, because that's insensitive to the people here who haven't had loses and are really excited, as they should be. So I don't think it's unfair to ask that something like this be kept someplace where people who can relate will see it, but it's not glaringly out there for everyone. 

MyNamesTaken

amandarene112 said:

SugarRush said:

amandarene112 said:

It might have been better to post this in the Second-Time (or more) Mom thread. I tried for four years to have one child, so I'm not a good audience for your "we were careless one time" thing. Not saying you shouldn't post it- I'm sure there are plenty of people here who can relate to you, just that there's a better place to put it.

Sorry but I disagree with you.  Her post is absolutely an appropriate topic to start her own thread.  And if plenty of people can relate (which it appears that there are several responses) then it was appropriate for her to start her own thread.  And instead of telling her your not the audience for her, why not just click out and move on, rather than say she should have posted this somewhere else? 

There are a lot of women on here who just got long waited for BFPs after battling through loss or infertility, or both. Even though OP's viewpoint is valid, it's still incredibly painful for a lot of women to hear someone say they aren't excited or didn't particularly want their baby, especially when conceiving was so easy for the OP. I said something because I'm sure there were many women who did just click out without commenting, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. I wouldn't make an "I'm Afraid Every Day That I'm Losing My Baby" post, even though it would probably get a lot of comments and have plenty of audience, because that's insensitive to the people here who haven't had loses and are really excited, as they should be. So I don't think it's unfair to ask that something like this be kept someplace where people who can relate will see it, but it's not glaringly out there for everyone. 

But then we would need to have a "STM+ who have never had IF or a loss" thread. I think loss moms especially know how complicated feelings can be and often get much needed validation in the boards. I don't think OP should be denied that support because a group might not agree with her feelings.

sugarrush

@amandarene112   I still cannot agree with your reasoning.  There are going to be people on here from all walks of life, there's going to be things that are hard to read, there are going to be things that are easy to read.  Its not fair that you are trying to control what is posted new and what should be "categorized".  And your suggestion of STM wasn't exactly a good recommendation either, she's going to be a 4th tom mom.  Are you going to chastise every post you see that you are feeling sensitive to and tell them they should post somewhere else that is more relevant?  Everything should be relevant here, especially this early on in BMB board where there are going to be droves joining every day repeating the same thing. Telling people their post should go somewhere is just plain rude.

mrs_tacos

@SugarRush No, it's not rude. That's why these boards have a structure. And it's usually STM+, as in second time and more. I honestly don't care that much if you disagree with me. I expressed my opinion, and actually had a very nice interaction with the OP after. At this point, the only one chastising is you. 

sugarrush

@amandarene112  hugs

mrs_tacos

@SugarRush Back at you 

daisy62103

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said in terms of OP, you'll eventually come around and be thrilled. But I also wanted to add that I have had 3 m/cs and struggled for 17 months with secondary infertility and OP's post did not offend or hurt me at all. OP, don't feel bad for creating this thread or for your feelings! Nobody is forced to open a thread either. 

Sugargirl1019

If anyone would like a weekly checkin for moms who are in this situation, let me know and of course we can make a continuing outlet for these feelings! OP your feelings are real and I know there are others on this board feeling just like you.

trishkev07

I'm a little late to this discussion but just wanted to say that I do know what you mean. We wanted to have baby #2, but we were hoping to have a little extra time to save for a bigger car, I wanted to finish my program at college, and I wanted to lose a bit more of my baby weight from baby #1. I'm certainly happy and blessed that we are able to have another baby at all, but it's hard being as excited as I should be. I know for a fact that I will love this baby just as much as the first one and that everything will work itself out, but I was just so incredibly and overwhelmingly excited for my first that this time around I feel guilty that I don't mirror those feelings.

wellhithen

I understand. I tried for a while and decided I was set with my 2 and was making an appointment to get on birth control. I had been on the fence anyway about a third since I work and my girls are finally about school age. But then Of course I got pregnant. I'm mostly happy but have my moments of feeling very discouraged about it. I have to continue working and hate that I have to do 5 more years of child care when all I've wanted is to be home and it's never been an option. I know things will work out and when the baby comes things will fall into place but I still feel discouraged at times. Especially because I'm so sick and feel so terrible it is hard to be excited about being sick for 3 more months as I was with my other 2.

trishkev07

@wellhithen I had made an appointment to get on birth control too! I had to call them back and let them know the purpose of the visit had to change