Looking for support

joanne1230

Hello, I am writing this as I feel so alone and lost with how I'm feeling. I lost my gorgeous little girl, Florence Joan Ursula Ford, 24th of December after being induced on the 23rd at 38 weeks and 5 days. 
I was induced as I had gestational diabetes, i was on insulin and metformin tablets to try and control it but it wasn't controlled. So I went to the hospital on the 23rd and they started to induce me with the inserted gel. At 2am on 24th they had given me 3 lots of the gel. At 3:30 I started to have a hypo (when you're blood sugar gets to low) and my daughter's heart rate started to lower so doctors came rushing in to the room. They checked my cervix but I was only 1cm dilated but the doctor still tried to break my waters and managed to. Florence's heart rate went back to normal and they carried on to induce me by putting me on a hormone drip. I was also put on a drip to control my blood sugars, and I had an epidural put in as well. At 6pm on 24th I started to shake and felt cold but my temperature was 37.7 degrees so they thought I might have an infection and asked me if I would go through with an emergency c-section so I agreed and was rushed into theatre. They topped up my epidural to numb me but it didn't work so I was put under general anaesthetic to have the c-section. I was so excited to wake up and hold my baby. When Florence was born at 7:05pm she wasn't breathing and had a lowering heart rate, the doctors tried giving her adrenalin which didn't work so they were keeping her alive by pumping air into her lungs but she wouldn't breath by her self so after 48 minutes of this they said to Louis (my partner, Florence's father) that it would be best to stop forcing her body and to let her pass. They handed her to him and she passed away in his arms. The doctors told Louis not to tell me and that a doctor will tell me. When I woke up Louis was there, I said to him still half asleep "is she pretty?" And he said "she's gorgeous" and I fell back to sleep. When I woke up again there were doctors around me and louis and I remember them saying "Joanne... I'm so sorry... Florence didnt make it". I burst out crying and screaming asking why? But no one knew why this had happened. After a week in hospital we came home it was so hard to come back home without her. As we dont know why Florence passed away a coroner's inquest is being done to find out why. Tests are being done on my blood and placenta, and on Florence.
Since losing our gorgeous Florence I feel the need to get pregnant again and be a mother physically, Louis is on the same page as me and we want to get pregnant around April or May time to give me time to heal. We aren't doing it to replace Florence in anyway we just feel so lost with no baby to care for.
 I honestly don't know how to cope with all this, I know all mine and Louis' family have been there for us and still are there supporting us, I just need to speak to someone who has been though the same thing and can offer advised on how to cope.

Thank you,
Joanne xxx

MamaBish

Hi Joanne, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet little Florence

None of use really know how to cope, we just keep going as best we can. I found a number of things were/are helpful to me; gardening/houseplants gave me something to care for, grown up coloring books were relaxing, therapy was immensely helpful. I also spent a lot of time seeking out online support groups and grief programs. 

I know it feels so tremendously debilitating right now, but eventually, it starts to get a little less difficult. It's always hard, but you can learn to live with the way things are. For now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, it's really all we can do.

I found this quote helpful in my early days of grief, I hope it helps you:

joanne1230

Thank you so much for your reply. I realise its best to take each day as it comes and not to worry about what tomorrow will bring. Ive been keeping myself busy daily which has helped me and my partner a lot. Thank you for that quote I will keep it in mind xxx

fiorip

Hi @joanne1230 I wish I could tell you the worst is behind you but the truth is this is probably the hardest thing a human can ever go through, losing your child is something you will never forget, you learn to live through the pain and you have a new normal eventually.

Take it one day at a time, find things that bring you joy, therapy helped me, but it's not for everyone. Learn a new language, learn how to knit or maybe paint, once you feel better take a trip with your partner, lean on each other and be kind to yourself. It takes an incredible amount of effort and time just to feel close to normal. 

Hugs

Aademoas

Hi Joanne,

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Florence. I too am in a similar boat as I lost my daughter shortly after delivery on 12/28/16. There are no words to describe the feelings that a mother experiences through this, but we can do this if we take it one day at a time and honor them in everything we do and are. I feel similar in that I want to have another baby not to replace her but to share the love we have with other children.

SmashJam

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope that you can begin to find peace soon, and sending thoughts and prayers for your family. 

Something a bit cathartic for me is seeing you and @Aademoas both mention having kids again. I literally can't stop thinking about it...and everyone tells me to stop, to wait until I am emotionally healed. I keep looking for examples of stories where people have had more kids after a loss like this, trying to make it seem "normal," but in the end whatever I am comfortable with is my normal.  I obviously can't even get pregnant right now but its nice to see two people who understand the need to entertain the idea. Makes me feel normal.

Xath

***signature warning***

Joanne I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Florence.   I hope you get the answers you need from your testing.

I definitely understand the desire to get pregnant right away; as long as you are physically healed I encourage you to try.  Just don't get too wrapped up around the time frame, and don't punish yourself if you don't get pregnant exactly when you want to. I don't want to divert your thread with pregnancy talk, but I'm happy to talk to you about my subsequent experiences if you ever want to reach out.  (And whatever else you want to talk about). That goes for you too @SmashJam and @Aademoas